well, I'm back here again
doubting the very map of my skin
searching for the broken terrain
that you see so clearly within

i know i have valleys and mountains
the same as other lovers
but my heart quakes and tears
when you hate what you discover

i can feel the splitting of the fault
as rejection grinds my love to halt
ripping through my muscled earth
to leave a gaping chasm of hurt

the darkness consumes
where once sunshine flushed
my map transformed
the landscape torn
by my own fixation
on human touch

i try to redesign
to alter my flawed countryside
to mend the gap
that utterly attacked
the regions
of my heart and mind

but my map cannot be
defined by your words
your approval or attention
my topography must be my own
from every land to every ocean

for the sun does not truly fade
when scratches appear on my surface
and i will bear my design with
pride
because every detail,
every river,
every stone,
every piece that makes this
heart my home,
has a beautiful
and unbreakable  
purpose

fear tells me to
grip
to hold the rope
until my skin
rips,
even through the
burning
in my fists

too many words
escape my
lips
I won't allow
stillness
I can't let myself sit
no period:
just an ellipse

honestly
i'm truly afraid
to let this rope slip
through my
fingertips
I fear I'll be
caught in the
tide's rips
I am
eclipsed
by the insecurity
that started this

but the truth is
flipped
I can trust
that I am equipped
to let go
to survive the waves
and dips
I am whole,
not chipped

and
loosening my
grip
will be my
flagship.

your lips on mine
I lose my mind
lose track of time
it's not a sign
you're not really
mine
but it feels
sublime
so I say it's fine
leave logic behind
hoping to find
truth inside this
reckless bind

sometimes
my sight shifts
similar to a haze,
seeing through a mist

eyes clear as glass,
& body still in space,
among the ones close by,
yet the mind has left its
place

floating
it feels
but with a sort of
whirling wheels
flitting & flying
without truly trying

yet I'm still, still
amidst the mist

rhythm is
comfort
and predictability
stitching my days together
through the notion
of repeating the motions
an illusion of stability,
but no matter the way I
structured my day
no matter the perfection
I strived to attain
no matter how many
unkempt strings I cut away
I think deep down I knew
that life
should be a little frayed

as counterintuitive as it seems
the unexpected becomes
the rhythm of dreams
ripping through the routine
changing the patterns
of what I planned to be
into new designs entirely

so I embrace this chaotic beauty
with its endearing knots and
erratic threading, ready for
living imperfectly
balanced in the uncertainty
is rhythm

you told me you loved me
and I still believe you told the truth
but when I couldn't stand under
what had used to be our solid roof
you retreated from our bond
like what we had built was
simply and solely
meant for our youth

now I know your love was one kind
when mine was faintly another
in essence they did appear alike
only one pulled back and the other
clenched harder

but never will I devalue
the very fabric of your being
nor your heart, nor your experience
nor the most dizzying of your feelings

you made the choice to push me away
so your mind could have enough
time to relay
healing over heartbreak,
leaving me awake
to blindly find how to be okay
when I expected to see you today
in a different way, but I hoped
it would somehow be the same

eventually okay is what I became
and our mismatched loves
breathe on anyway
and I will continue to say
I am thankful for our story
with all its dips and sways
it is our intricate, impassioned play
and I promise, I pray
your place,
your space
in my heart will
stay

maybe we'll build again one day

Sweet
Ever so to speak
When the warmth
Fills your cheeks
Honey I want to meet
Where you promised me
Soft
You are, I think
Your morning soul
Soothes imagining
Simultaneous inspiring
Gently tugging
At me
To come forth and be
To voice willingly
In the comfort of this
Safety
I see me