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sophie mechaune Nov 2020
Picking at my own skin
But of course I can't win
I can't peel away the parts of me
When it's not a reality I’m seeing.
My own deception
The rules that fabricate
Personal rejection
Like I don’t want to love this face.
In my imagination
Joy can exist
Until the outside looks in
Like an evaporating mist
My peace begins to twist
And suddenly I’m judging
Every inch around my wrist.
I could break my own rules
I could force myself in tense recovery
But I fear that healing
Won't feel as good as peeling
Away at what could be okay.
I'm in love with the grip
I romanticize my crypt
Even while I’m wasting away
There's no more blood left to lay
At my own altar
I pray
But I’m wasting away
an ed is lonely business
May 2020 · 108
human zoo
sophie mechaune May 2020
sometimes it's good to rattle our own cages
and sometimes our cages get rattled
either way
we won't be tamed,
we refuse to be mundane,
idleness is not our game, for
we have fire in our veins

& we don't have to be the same
sophie mechaune Jan 2020
I feel like
I'm stuck
right behind my eyes
maybe I just need caffeine
or maybe it's
restlessness
in disguise
Jan 2020 · 86
noted.
sophie mechaune Jan 2020
if a boy
writes a love song
about you,
will his lyrics
exist outside of
their melody
& resolve
in reality
too?
Dec 2019 · 90
implode me
sophie mechaune Dec 2019
how can i feel
every painful feeling
at one single second
and fail to implode?
please make me a star
that can cave in
on itself and take
all that once was matter
-all that once mattered-
and fade it within
to only nothing.
please make me a black hole
of everything i used to be
because the absence
of my light,
a lifetime of night,
sounds better than
to keep shining.
f*cking ouch
Oct 2019 · 120
flare up
sophie mechaune Oct 2019
the sun
is flaring up again
stretching her rays in
solar storms
along her skin
I hope she knows
how bright she shines
but I see the explosions
in her eyes
she's afraid to be another star
in one of countless galaxies
so she makes herself bright
to stand out in the night
a twinkling anxiety

dear sun
be careful with your fire
and remember you're desired
your light gleams in the blackout
your warmth is felt throughout
you don't have to sparkle harder
you don't have to
burn yourself out
dear sun, you are enough
Sep 2019 · 163
universal art
sophie mechaune Sep 2019
I feel my mediums
are more numbered than the stars
poetry is my venus
and performing is my mars
in the same solar system,
arts suspended in space
they glow, luminesce,
their light illuminates my face,
my soul, my heart, my words
in motion
like orbiting planets
in an empty, endless ocean

but I am like a passing comet
souring in the universe's pocket
I do not spend eternity
in any single gravity,
instead I shine by
many lights:
every art along my flight
inspired by the play "shining" by aidaa peerzada
Jul 2019 · 307
topography
sophie mechaune Jul 2019
well, I'm back here again
doubting the very map of my skin
searching for the broken terrain
that you see so clearly within

i know i have valleys and mountains
the same as other lovers
but my heart quakes and tears
when you hate what you discover

i can feel the splitting of the fault
as rejection grinds my love to halt
ripping through my muscled earth
to leave a gaping chasm of hurt

the darkness consumes
where once sunshine flushed
my map transformed
the landscape torn
by my own fixation
on human touch

i try to redesign
to alter my flawed countryside
to mend the gap
that utterly attacked
the regions
of my heart and mind

but my map cannot be
defined by your words
your approval or attention
my topography must be my own
from every land to every ocean

for the sun does not truly fade
when scratches appear on my surface
and i will bear my design with
pride
because every detail,
every river,
every stone,
every piece that makes this
heart my home,
has a beautiful
and unbreakable  
purpose
the heartbreaking obsession with approval & the peace that comes from loving your brokenness despite -- a love letter to the type 3 enneagram
May 2019 · 156
flagship
sophie mechaune May 2019
fear tells me to
grip
to hold the rope
until my skin
rips,
even through the
burning
in my fists

too many words
escape my
lips
I won't allow
stillness
I can't let myself sit
no period:
just an ellipse

honestly
i'm truly afraid
to let this rope slip
through my
fingertips
I fear I'll be
caught in the
tide's rips
I am
eclipsed
by the insecurity
that started this

but the truth is
flipped
I can trust
that I am equipped
to let go
to survive the waves
and dips
I am whole,
not chipped

and
loosening my
grip
will be my
flagship.
flagship (n): the ship that leads a fleet
May 2019 · 417
reckless
sophie mechaune May 2019
your lips on mine
I lose my mind
lose track of time
it's not a sign
you're not really
mine
but it feels
sublime
so I say it's fine
leave logic behind
hoping to find
truth inside this
reckless bind
for cpl
Apr 2019 · 184
a trance of sorts
sophie mechaune Apr 2019
sometimes
my sight shifts
similar to a haze,
seeing through a mist

eyes clear as glass,
& body still in space,
among the ones close by,
yet the mind has left its
place

floating
it feels
but with a sort of
whirling wheels
flitting & flying
without truly trying

yet I'm still, still
amidst the mist
inspired by the season of flora
Oct 2018 · 2.9k
rhythmic
sophie mechaune Oct 2018
rhythm is
comfort
and predictability
stitching my days together
through the notion
of repeating the motions
an illusion of stability,
but no matter the way I
structured my day
no matter the perfection
I strived to attain
no matter how many
unkempt strings I cut away
I think deep down I knew
that life
should be a little frayed

as counterintuitive as it seems
the unexpected becomes
the rhythm of dreams
ripping through the routine
changing the patterns
of what I planned to be
into new designs entirely

so I embrace this chaotic beauty
with its endearing knots and
erratic threading, ready for
living imperfectly
balanced in the uncertainty
is rhythm
Oct 2018 · 263
we built
sophie mechaune Oct 2018
you told me you loved me
and I still believe you told the truth
but when I couldn't stand under
what had used to be our solid roof
you retreated from our bond
like what we had built was
simply and solely
meant for our youth

now I know your love was one kind
when mine was faintly another
in essence they did appear alike
only one pulled back and the other
clenched harder

but never will I devalue
the very fabric of your being
nor your heart, nor your experience
nor the most dizzying of your feelings

you made the choice to push me away
so your mind could have enough
time to relay
healing over heartbreak,
leaving me awake
to blindly find how to be okay
when I expected to see you today
in a different way, but I hoped
it would somehow be the same

eventually okay is what I became
and our mismatched loves
breathe on anyway
and I will continue to say
I am thankful for our story
with all its dips and sways
it is our intricate, impassioned play
and I promise, I pray
your place,
your space
in my heart will
stay

maybe we'll build again one day
for jnd
Oct 2018 · 404
soul searching
sophie mechaune Oct 2018
Sweet
Ever so to speak
When the warmth
Fills your cheeks
Honey I want to meet
Where you promised me
Soft
You are, I think
Your morning soul
Soothes imagining
Simultaneous inspiring
Gently tugging
At me
To come forth and be
To voice willingly
In the comfort of this
Safety
I see me
inspired by the morning soul tea at mishka's cafe (davis, ca)
Sep 2018 · 359
seams to be
sophie mechaune Sep 2018
The seams of my soul yearn for
forever
Yet the stitches tire as they hold together
through the cuts of inconsistency
as love changes form and passes repeatedly

I guess I sew myself too tightly
to hearts that view
forever
more lightly
Sep 2018 · 133
caught
sophie mechaune Sep 2018
me
I'm caught between
hope and regret.
I'm caught between
knowing change is here,
it's happening,
it's real,
and hating that I was
where I so desperately
needed it.
I'm caught between
loving the present
and remembering
what has been.
I'm caught between
forgiveness and pain.

in You
I'm caught in love,
in patience,
in certainty.
I'm caught in
from march 2018
Jul 2018 · 175
dream streams
sophie mechaune Jul 2018
If you knew
I cried myself to sleep
Would that possibly
Change the way you think?
for jnd
Apr 2018 · 138
drifting
sophie mechaune Apr 2018
to know what I believe
about the universe around me
is to be driftwood
in the midst of a roaring sea
tumbling head over heels
endlessly and
relentlessly dreaming
of solidity
the dream is not lost. hold on to hope.
Mar 2018 · 186
words
sophie mechaune Mar 2018
I hate when I run out of words.

I love that easy interplay of syllables with you,
the sounds that fold our faces into laughter
& keep out eyes focused on each other.
Our minds are as deep as the waters
and our thoughts as numbered as the stars.
We are creatures of consciousness.
We link our imaginations with each conversation
to paint an artpiece that can be only ours.
Your mind and mine are connected.
We say what we do to explore who we are
who we have been
who we will be

I hate when I run out of words,

but at least it won't be for long.
for jnd
Jan 2018 · 3.2k
the practice of freedom
sophie mechaune Jan 2018
practicing freedom is allowing yourself to notice the beauty in each and every day
practicing freedom is knowing that saying nothing or everything is perfectly okay
practicing freedom is loving your skin in whatever color it comes in
practicing freedom is wholeheartedly empowering both women and men
practicing freedom is fighting for those who are oppressed
practicing freedom is knowing even boys can wear a dress
practicing freedom is breaking free of societal expectation
practicing freedom is respecting those who live outside of normal presentations
practicing freedom is declaring truth over lies
practicing freedom is learning to leave fear behind
practicing freedom is prioritizing people over money
practicing freedom is realizing that human life is endlessly more valuable than the ******* economy
practicing freedom is believing you are enough
every background, ethnicity, and gender is deserving of love
practicing freedom is striving for unity
practicing freedom is recognizing the division that's destroying you and me
practicing freedom is acknowledging your dreams
practicing freedom is keeping hope alive despite all things
the practice of freedom.
Nov 2017 · 605
the gardener
sophie mechaune Nov 2017
The constant conundrum of growth
of learning to question everything you know,
of sifting through your mind and wandering your eyes
to budding ideas that were once below
the surface of your mental garden,
only seeds that had yet to sprout
ideas that were silently planted
until the waters of conversation eased them out.
Yet do not fear your newborn buds
as they reach taller than your familiar stems.
Your garden is free of weeds,
and the new will never choke out
who you've always been.
Nurture your mind with sunlight,
and watch your flowers thrive.
Explore every idea, for
your garden is alive.
inspired by the courtyard of haring hall (ucd)
Nov 2017 · 173
analysis to adoration
sophie mechaune Nov 2017
You're taught to analyze, right?
You're taught to look closely,
to mentally shed light
on the hidden truths
inside.

This lesson in its essence,
when applied to your own presence
in this life, traps your heart
in endless scrutinization of
who you are.

From the way you speak your words
to your crinkled, smiling eyes,
simply studying your being
can transform it into
what you despise.

But you are the obvious beauty
and you don't have to search for more.
How intricately you examine
will not change how
you're adored.
Oct 2017 · 176
my wish for you
sophie mechaune Oct 2017
I wish that I could take away
the lies that pulse through your veins.
I wish there was a way to say
that your identity remains the same
even though you feel this way
and somehow make the truth stay
for more than just a day.
I wish for you always.
for jnd
Oct 2017 · 311
i am
sophie mechaune Oct 2017
i am
who i am
and i want to stop trying to be
the am that i am not
because the am who i am
is unique from every other am
and there is beauty in
my am just because my am is
mine
Sep 2017 · 370
ask.
sophie mechaune Sep 2017
I find myself
afraid to ask for relationship
afraid to muster any sense of
reluctance or hesitancy
in the ones I love
to become another chore on a list
a responsibility
instead of a desire
but yet I'm
afraid to not ask
afraid that if I don't say a word
I will be forgotten
because I question if I was really
wanted by those loved ones
in the first place
or if I was a burden
from the first time I let myself
ask
The title is written in command as a reminder that you and I should always ask even when the lie that we are a burden comes against us.
Sep 2017 · 305
broken/whole
sophie mechaune Sep 2017
broken.

that's what it feels like at first
when the shock and the change intertwine
in bursts

you don't know how to fix
what shouldn't be fixed
but you want so badly to fix

because they meant so much
they have a hold on your heart
and when you truly understand the loss
it hurts too deep to even keep
in touch

stop pushing so hard
when they don't push for you
it may feel wrong, but
there's only so much you can do

step back for a while
and let the ouch start to fade
rest in the fact that you were
fearfully and wonderfully made

it's gonna take some time
but this will pass like the weather
our God always provides
and loves us back together

whole.
for cjs & jeh
Sep 2017 · 235
in His love
sophie mechaune Sep 2017
Rest
NO TIME
Breathe
NO SPACE
Trust
NO GRIP
Love
NO ENERGY
Commune
NO BELONGING

But He says,

I am your
Time
Space
Grip
Energy
Belonging

You will find your lack of
in my love
Sep 2017 · 202
Rather than Dying.
sophie mechaune Sep 2017
What if the world told our stories
exactly as they are
Rather than
what we wished they would be.
What if we didn't romanticize.
Would we feel more free?

What if contentment was valued like gold
and our minds and our bodies ceased to be sold
to the expectations of what is not and what will never be.
Would then we feel more free?

We say we don't want to keep lying,
but we're striving and trying and crying and
Dying.
We tell ourselves that we can't just be
because we constantly search for a fantasy.

Your value is not determined
by what you've done or what you will.
Your reality matters,
both the loud and the still.

So maybe for a moment
you can let yourself breathe.
Just for a moment.
Get swept up in your story.

— The End —