I know you’re angry at me
That you’re disappointed
I’m sorry
I can’t help it
It’s difficult to feel happy
I want to **** myself
But you only care that I don’t want to take a photo
I’m empty and hollow
But you yell that I should try to be part of the family
I’m suffering
But you don’t care

I get anxious
Ever since then
It’s been hard to forget
I might have ptsd
I don’t know
It was hard for me
I felt caged
Like an animal
I was stuck in a bad situation
I didn’t know how to get out
I still don’t
I’m trapped and I can’t get out

Hey
Hey
How are you?
Not so good
Do you want to talk about it?
No.

As I head towards the building,
I am turned around by a crowd of people
Running,
Screaming.
We all funnel into a building
And hide in our classrooms under desks,
As if those will protect us.
I head loud noises through the door,
A painful combination of screams and loud
I think to myself,
Is this it?
Is this how I die?
I get so caught up in my thought,
I didn’t even realize that the commotion outside has stopped,
It’s silent
Except for a few hushed cries
I see a soldier through the door window,
He opens the door and is greeted by screams of relief and terror
He tells us to come with him
That we can leave.
I stand up,
My legs shaking
My heart pounding.
I turn and look at the calamity all around me.
Broken windows,
Blood and bullets on the floor.
It only gets worse as I walk down the hallway.
As I step outside,
I’m greeted by warm sunshine
But it doesn’t feel the same as it did before,
I don’t feel the same as I did before.

I have never felt more alone
Then when surrounded by people
Everyone trying to be someone else
Trying to be someone they’re not
I get it though
It’s hard
To be yourself
To expose the real you
That’s why I don’t even try

What am I hoping for?
Nothing will ever come.
You will never come home,
I will never get better.
We drift further apart everyday.
I still remember the day you didn't come back.
You told me not to worry,
You told you would be okay,
You lied.

Is this really what I've become?
I am a pathetic,
Worthless,
human being.
I don't want to go out anymore,
I don't have the energy to do anything.
I just lay around,
Thinking about how much better it would be,
If I was gone.
I wouldn't upset anyone,
I wouldn't have to see how they look at me.
They think I don't know,
But I do.
It would be easier if I just do it already,
I don't know why I haven't.