I've been terrified of the crash before I've ever felt the high
When you say hello I immediately  find ten reasons to say goodbye
I give nothing a chance because im scared of attachment
You told me u loved me and i pulled off the bandage
I didnt want to i swear
but it was easier for me to make you leave
Industrial doors went up
but you stayed there till the evening
you banged on the doors and begged for me to open
but night fall came and i was still scared of being broken
you had no chance of getting in
i hoped you wouldnt stay
eventually you left
i watched from afar as you drifted away
the dis-attachment saved me my vulnerability
because you know what they say
they cant leave you-- if you push them away
....first right?

He has broken written all over him
It twinkles in the soft sad glitter of his eyes
Like the most miserable stars at midnight
Its shown in the restless bags laying beneath them
Painted in black resembling the empty void in his mind
Its seen in the vigorous shaking of his hands
Ready to self destruct like an earthquake
Its written the subtle curve of his lips
Positioned in permanent discontent
Its felt in his cold harsh exterior
Rigid and unapproachable
Its portrayed in his  bitter treatment of this callous world
Its written in his hatred  
He has broken written all over him and the pen him is smeared in discontent
Its seen in his undeviated response to a world that has shattered him more than once
It is heard in the broken exterior of his voice
Stuttered in anxiety and hopelessness
It is seen in the raggedness of his clothes
Hanging off his helpless limbs
It shines in the grease of his long uncombed hair
He is unkempt but does not care
He cannot care
Each detail adding on to his broken image

you will get bored of me

but ill get bored of myself first

shes his favorite type of chaos

I wish I could understand myself
How do I expect anyone to read my emotions
When I can't even understand my own, let alone feel them
I've been in situations where I know my heart is supposed to race or my eyes are supposed to glimmer
But there always seems to be some type of malfunction
Like I lack these human necessities
Like my emotions decided to go on break
I'm not talking lunch but more like a 52 week vacation

where can i find maturity in a place where everyone is afraid of change

Everything fades away
There is an end to everything
There is an end to misery
There is an end to happiness
There is an end to pain
All you have to do is wait
The inevitable never disappoints

maybe it is a blessing to be unable to capture the essence of the stars and moon in a photograph
to never have its value be lost through the lights of a phone screen
walking home alone with the illuminated sky to keep me company
that
that is a prominent thing keeping me alive

Manuscript of an unbeating heart

I walk the same path everyday and pass an abandoned lot filled with dirt

I watch the yellow flowers grow each spring in the rubble of what once was a home to somebody

And i wonder how they continue to grow, how the petals continue to grow,  through the neglect

Untaken care of and beaten down, by earth itself, but fed by a soil that keeps its heart beating

Continuing to paint beautiful bright colors of yellow and green in a field of black. Surrounded by life unbeating, but pulsating louder than a battlefield of drums.

When it's easier to fall out of love than in
How am I supposed to believe this is a forever thing
When you claim you've been in love before
How do I know I'm just not another
When my words mean more to you than my actions
How can I guarantee the same conversation won't have you falling for another
Lust before love
One is expected not to last
The other
A forever thing
One that never makes it to forever
Not now not never not in the past

My new years resolution was to be more vulnerable
But nobody told me how weak weakness makes you feel
Roads so shut off I don’t even know where this avenue belongs
I wanna get back on the sidewalk where things are easier
Where  the echoes of my footsteps feel safe
Where my shadow doesn’t chase me with regret

But I think about the sun on my back in that unfamiliar place,where i once strayed
The way the black asphalt made me feel in the heat
The excitement I felt passing signs that warn don’t enter
The burning, in my toes, the warmth, that made me feel alive
Even if it was just for the moment
On this black pavement I can run
Places that the sidewalks never took me
A life that I’ve never been able to experience
All roads aren’t dead
But most don’t deserve a home to be built on them
It was fun while it lasted, a confession I must admit

This aching feeling will subside
Vulnerability heals,
The sidewalk is always there for safety
Sometimes the pain of barefoot heels on unknown roads is how we grow
A resolution worth its pain

I regurgitate my thoughts  and
Immediately reprimand my mouth
For letting the word ***** escape
So badly wishing I could stuff it back in
The words flow out faster than I can stop them
My brain urges me to stop but the word ***** becomes autonomic it switches to autopilot
It self destructs me and continues to speak without my say
The words flow, thick in regret, recklessness and resent
My mind is a garbage site
One that wishes to be cleared
Call that the three r's

In the middle of my book, compressed is a portrait of you
My book shielding me from the image of you
Your notorious eyes, sinful lips, blowing a blunt to slow down the madness brewing in your eyes
Those same eyes that were my muse
They hold the same glimmer and sadness but have been replaced by the warmth of the sun
But It's October 7th and the sun is down
Im standing in the beach with the Waves drifting from my toes
Back in your room with yellow cigarette butts cluttering your floor
October night giving me chills to my bones
Warming myself up with a beer
The smell of whiskey weighing the air, masking the stench of the carcass laying on the bed
her perfume lingering on your sheets, keeping you company
And once again you're stuck in the cycle of lonely nights
with her perfume covering your decaying youth
And me reminiscing the color yellow