I've been terrified of the crash before I've ever felt the high
When you say hello I immediately  find ten reasons to say goodbye
I give nothing a chance because im scared of attachment
You told me u loved me and i pulled off the bandage
I didnt want to i swear
but it was easier for me to make you leave
Industrial doors went up
but you stayed there till the evening
you banged on the doors and begged for me to open
but night fall came and i was still scared of being broken
you had no chance of getting in
i hoped you wouldnt stay
eventually you left
i watched from afar as you drifted away
the dis-attachment saved me my vulnerability
because you know what they say
they cant leave you-- if you push them away
....first right?

maybe it is a blessing to be unable to capture the essence of the stars and moon in a photograph
to never have its value be lost through the lights of a phone screen
walking home alone with the illuminated sky to keep me company
that
that is a prominent thing keeping me alive

We're all just kids
Who grew up way too fast
Hoping to get to the good days
Wishing the good days would last

Oh she was a people pleaser
She always got attention
But trust me it was always the best kind
She was a firefly in the darkest of nights
She spun heads and opened minds
When she spoke the whole place lent ears to listen
It didn't matter what she was saying
Her presence was pure interest
She was magnificent
She was a mystery that couldn't be solved
She was the girl that everybody wanted to be

My new years resolution was to be more vulnerable
But nobody told me how weak weakness makes you feel
Roads so shut off I don’t even know where this avenue belongs
I wanna get back on the sidewalk where things are easier
Where  the echoes of my footsteps feel safe
Where my shadow doesn’t chase me with regret

But I think about the sun on my back in that unfamiliar place,where i once strayed
The way the black asphalt made me feel in the heat
The excitement I felt passing signs that warn don’t enter
The burning, in my toes, the warmth, that made me feel alive
Even if it was just for the moment
On this black pavement I can run
Places that the sidewalks never took me
A life that I’ve never been able to experience
All roads aren’t dead
But most don’t deserve a home to be built on them
It was fun while it lasted, a confession I must admit

This aching feeling will subside
Vulnerability heals,
The sidewalk is always there for safety
Sometimes the pain of barefoot heels on unknown roads is how we grow
A resolution worth its pain

I don't want to talk to anyone if it feels like an obligation
And everything seems like an obligation

where can i find maturity in a place where everyone is afraid of change

when the house stars to smell like stale beer and **** again
And I don't know who to call
I can't help but feel these walls cave in again
Back to feeling like I have no one at all

I wish I could understand myself
How do I expect anyone to read my emotions
When I can't even understand my own, let alone feel them
I've been in situations where I know my heart is supposed to race or my eyes are supposed to glimmer
But there always seems to be some type of malfunction
Like I lack these human necessities
Like my emotions decided to go on break
I'm not talking lunch but more like a 52 week vacation

Manuscript of an unbeating heart

I walk the same path everyday and pass an abandoned lot filled with dirt

I watch the yellow flowers grow each spring in the rubble of what once was a home to somebody

And i wonder how they continue to grow, how the petals continue to grow,  through the neglect

Untaken care of and beaten down, by earth itself, but fed by a soil that keeps its heart beating

Continuing to paint beautiful bright colors of yellow and green in a field of black. Surrounded by life unbeating, but pulsating louder than a battlefield of drums.

let me cry
Seriously I’m surprised it took me this long to explode, i know I’ve began to crack prior to this, but nothings ever shattered
For all the times ive had reasons to blame or an explanation to pin
But this one shackled me in my head and demanded isolation
-A friend I haven't seen in a while
Accompanied by a low frequency of feeling and high frequency of tears
Push away the people who love you in order to not feel like a burden
Make jokes about all the things that hurt you the most
Force yourself to be vulnerable so you can hate yourself in the morning
Cry until your eyes hurt
Avoid all human interaction until the last drum beats its quiet but powerful hum
Silence out the voices of reason
You're enveloped by whatever this is- the music will soon stop
I never liked this song anyway i want it to stop
I haven't written in a while and i wonder if this is because I'm becoming vulnerable again
Remember when i didnt rely on people and hated constant company
Remember when i didnt realize how much i needed it until i loved constant company
The thought of isolation surrounded by four walls and people i hate rooted from the only thing i am supposed to love-
Kills me
It silences me
And everything i know
Im buried in everything i hate
I become everything i despise
I see myself becoming everything i fear
I picture myself sinking into something i can never come back out of
I like to hope that there is a bigger picture
One that i cant see now
I like to hope that there is a bigger picture
That i am oblivious to its colors
I like to hope there is a bigger picture
Because i have no answer for these happenings
I have questions so many questions
But have always hated “why me”
I wonder until I bite my tongue so hard that it bleeds “why me”
I think about the amount of people who have seen me cry
And i wonder what they think
I think about how my feet become robots trained to run far from heart beats whenever i start to feel pain
these blocks of cement run fast-

I am not allowed to feel pain
Who is that and how do you comfort her
I am not allowed to feel pain
Who am i to talk about myself and expect anyone in the world to understand
I listen to the dials of my phone ring and think about what made up story i should tell you when you answer
i dont know about pain,
i can never introduce you to her

This is my call for help
The rings continue to echoe
This is my call for help
All i need is one word
This is my call for help
And i dont want concern
i just need your help
i dont want your pity
I dont need your help
And i dont expect understanding
I am asking you for
help.

Let the phone ring
pick it up on the last ring so my intrusive thoughts have enough time to throw a party
Answer
Please
all you need to say is hello

sometimes all i am asking for

is a voice to remind myself that i am alive
Let me cry

Everything fades away
There is an end to everything
There is an end to misery
There is an end to happiness
There is an end to pain
All you have to do is wait
The inevitable never disappoints

shes his favorite type of chaos

I'm not thinking about you on my vacation
And I thought I made that clear