I don't want to talk to anyone if it feels like an obligation
And everything seems like an obligation

I wish I could understand myself
How do I expect anyone to read my emotions
When I can't even understand my own, let alone feel them
I've been in situations where I know my heart is supposed to race or my eyes are supposed to glimmer
But there always seems to be some type of malfunction
Like I lack these human necessities
Like my emotions decided to go on break
I'm not talking lunch but more like a 52 week vacation

I've learned to never rely on anybody
Never for happiness
Never for help never for stability

I preach safety
But I no longer lock the door
I don't put on my seatbelt
Or look both ways
I don't double check things
Or worry about the dark
I walk the streets at midnight
With no sense of paranoia
Lacking the urge to look back
I don't mind if someone is following me


Because I have nothing to fear
These are all things I used to preach about
But no longer practice
Fear does not appeal to my senses
Nothing seems to anymore
I am numb like the tips of my thumbs upon return

Has a memory ever sent  chills of anxiousness down your spine
after your mind so considerately forced it  to replay a cringing vivid encounter of a horrific experience
The high definition play back never fails to send me shivering in my seat
I feel like my friends are always asking me if I'm cold

Have you ever been in love with the thought of someone
I just recently figured out that I was
if these signs flash red in your head  save yourself some time and break up with your mind
Here are some warnings that you are falling in love with a preconceived idea instead of the physical real deal
I can daydream for hours about what we can be together
Conversations come easy in my mind
he always seems to know what im thinking and i always laugh at his jokes
He's all i can think about and i wish for every second to be spent by his side
I wonder what he's doing at the moment and can't help but wonder if he's thinking about me too
We playfight and laugh for hours he tackles me onto the bed
We fall asleep watching our favorite movies and wake up to bagels and coffee
We talk about our favorite books and roam the streets of New York
We're the happiest couple in the city and it radiates for miles

My daydream is cut short by my doorbell
It's him at the door
I open it excited to feel again
I am greeted by your face but your smile doesn't make my heart race
You come in for a hug but it's nothing but an empty embrace
We grab snacks turn on a movie but it's not how I pictured it
Our conversations seem to be scripted
Every touch feels like an obligation
We fall asleep to avoid each others distance
We wake up to bagels and coffee
But my favorite book isn't the same as yours
Your favorite song comes on but it makes me cringe
The distance between us feels larger
And it projects through the busy streets of the city life
I realize that I'm not in love with you
I never have been
It's really not you
It's me
Really and my crazy distorted mind
The one that is too imaginative and wishful for me to tame
I need to cut this off
Us
Me
Most importantly
My exaggetory hopeless romantic mind

He has broken written all over him
It twinkles in the soft sad glitter of his eyes
Like the most miserable stars at midnight
Its shown in the restless bags laying beneath them
Painted in black resembling the empty void in his mind
Its seen in the vigorous shaking of his hands
Ready to self destruct like an earthquake
Its written the subtle curve of his lips
Positioned in permanent discontent
Its felt in his cold harsh exterior
Rigid and unapproachable
Its portrayed in his  bitter treatment of this callous world
Its written in his hatred  
He has broken written all over him and the pen him is smeared in discontent
Its seen in his undeviated response to a world that has shattered him more than once
It is heard in the broken exterior of his voice
Stuttered in anxiety and hopelessness
It is seen in the raggedness of his clothes
Hanging off his helpless limbs
It shines in the grease of his long uncombed hair
He is unkempt but does not care
He cannot care
Each detail adding on to his broken image