don't blame love for your heartache
don't give up on love for hurting you
because love doesn't do that
love wouldn't do that
even if given the chance
even if nobody was watching

"Love is patient, love is kind,
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
& it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails."

i remember hearing that poem and those words
and the undeniable truth within them
people say that love can make someone crazy
but i don't believe it
anything that would make you hurt or crazy
isn't actually love
you just want to believe that it is
and that is okay
we all do
but it's the lust that makes you crazy
it's the need
the jealousy
the dependency
the addiction
that makes you crazy
not love
love will never hurt you
or change you
or work you
love will be the thing
that picks you up off the ground
that lights the way through your darkness
that eases all your worry and sadness
love is just lovely
and it is everything good and pure
in and about this world.

"Love never fails."

i search for a love that looks like a crusade of fireworks
staged in a sky that is blanketed by stars
i search for a love that smells like the spring rain
after it collides with flower petals & window panes
i search for a love that feels like a warm cup of tea after a long day
that warms your skin & bones, to soothe your tired soul
i search for a love that has your rugged hands
and your alluring eyes
and your endearing lips
that are stained with wine
i search for you
because i want you
all of the time
i want you
but who knows
if i'll ever really find you..

I want to burn my feelings alive
They are turning me
Into who I never we wanted to be
I hate that I love you
That I lust you
At all times
In every way
And there's nothing I can do or say
To erase or change
The things that happened between us
It's torture
Pure torture
Worse then
The agony
In your plea
When you begged me
To stay
For just one more day
And take away the pain
Of knowing we will never be the way
We thought we'd be
And that eventually we'd have to let go
We'd have to say no
And turn away
Forever changed by each others ways

The different
The judged
The lost
& The weird
Hear the call of my heart
And follow me here
I'm in love with the strange
I am queen of the freaks
Surrender yourself
And you can finally speak
Relinquish your fears
Succumb to the sining
I'll take you in
& Soothe you with singing
My voice can heal souls
& My heart's made of crystal
It can't be broken or beaten
By man, arrow, or pistol
I'm impervious to others
With their whispers & their stares
They will judge us regardless
So I've learned not too care
I just live for the odd ones
And take care of the stangelings
Cause Ive found they're the ones
That make this world amazing
And I've come to believe
They're hidden gems of this earth
They give life new meaning
& They give life it's worth
If you are a weird one
Then please come to me
I'll hear all your stories
& Give you warm company
Your sadness I'll chase
Your knots I will kneed
Your heart I will take
Your mind I will read
I will take in your soul
And treat you like gold
And you'll never again
Have no one to hold
Or feel rejection stab
Or loneliness sting
Cause I'm here to make you,
To give you,
My everything

Lately I've felt like I've been watching my life unfold from outside of myself...
I'm trying to stay focused
But underneath I am so lost
My palms are clenched
My gut is wrenched
I am so pained
I am so scared
I am so angry
But I would never admit it
& I wouldn't let a single drop of it touch anyone els but me
*******
Why must I feel so deeply
Why can't I just let go more easily
Why must I crave the tender touch of another so bad it defeats me...
I can't go on like thing for long..
But I know moments like these for me
Are usually just temporary in the grander scheme
But when they come, oh they come
Like the roar of thunder and vicious waves in my heart
And tears the size of saucers
And all I can do is take it in & not let it take me in with it
I hold on to a song or a poem or a friend
Something i know won't let me forget who I am or where I'm going
And eventually I make it through
I find my way back into my body
I can feel myself again
& I hope that time comes soon...

all i can do
is do my best
and try my hardest
through all these tests

my head
my heart
my head
my heart
I just don't know
where to start
or which is which
or what is what
all I know is
I've had enough
which is louder
which hurts more
where's the order
I feel absurd
where do I start
where do I end
what do I save
and what do I send
these feelings
these thoughts
are all that I got
and the love that I have
can't be stolen or bought
I don't know down from up
but make living look good
and I don't always say
the things that I should
but if you were to get
under my skin
you would see every scar
you would hear every sin
and now you might be confused
at what this poem is about
I don't think there's a subject
and a meaning, I doubt
cause my mind is in warfare
And it's fighting itself
my words are all tangled
and my heart hurts like hell
I'm trying to make sense
but is quite hard to tell
I feel so mixed up
I need some direction
I'm trying to figure out
all of my lessons
in all of this drama
and all of this sadness
before I give up
and am swallowed by madness