(march 2020)

..day 14..

took the longer route again and walked the verge
to distance from the boy and the dog. we shouted
across the main road punctuated by the dust of
essential lorries
and some domestics
flouting the rules

we must walk directly from home
not take the car to exercise
in a prettier place

i cannot get much prettier than here

james

supplies were delivered and each thing held
high for me to see at the upsairs window

too

many to explain
some things i never had before

yoghurt corners, softest bread bought especially
and chocolates so divine that i shall smooth the
wrappers to keep as memory

long life is rare now a luxury

he should not have come
he said he would use
the word vulnerable for me
if stopped

he wanted to share the food as he had plenty

later i cleared more leaves and had a bonfire

those in the van camping have been visited
told by the police to go home, they reply the
van
is home

i offered supplies
at a distance

they needed none
we waved goodbye

i walked round the studio and garden before bed
to notice and reflect on what i had done…..

(march)

day 13.

we are power walking each day
looking ridiculous with jeans rolled
up
stopping to look here and there
at all the new things
with spring

stopping while sweating to remove
some layers
chatting to myself

and so i answer while things fly
round my head in the sunlight

saw no one yesterday

yet know today that those out camping
in their vans will be sent
back to

stay at home

a nightly routine
is shopping
online

perhaps at 2am. it is quiet then the
website don’t stick with it all

day 13
i may have a visit at a distance

the postie says he will post urgent
letters and use his own stamps for
me
wearing his blue medical gloves

sometime i weep

..hello day 12..

reflecting on how the twigs were a worry

then i made them decorative



you see



there is a large tree in the garden

and during storms branches fall

so do do all the tiny twigs



lay underfoot

now in lockdown a while

started clearing them gathering into my apron

into the house and on the fire

with there being no garden waste collection at

my house no more



is a long story, a bit personal and got a refund

anyhow



so the fire burns up real lovely



returns to the garden to gather more

this time in a bag

therapeutic

ready for the kindling

will not be buying morning sticks no more

a while



2

( wriiten in march)

day 12.

to think of you up to your knees in snow

is preferable than imagining you swamped

in ***** laundry

saying that my laundry closed yesterday

i phoned and wished them all the best

the machines hard going making back ground noise

later my fuel arrived, logs, nuggets and sticks, delivery

man angry at others calling in the store for non essentials

and crowding together which is not done protocol

no more

for using cash and buttoning the payment machine

with fingers even though the swipe amount increased

like he said how come compost , wild bird food come

important when folk are dying

his wife works at the hopital in town

on my walk i meets the wooden dog, famed by me

on instagram and says hello.

his master stood a distance chatted a while until we

moved on both noting, commenting on the brighter

sky

both noting the quiet road

i saw violets james

on return had a bonfire

the garden waste which

made me really happy

james

later when weary i failed with all the news and worry

yet

on waking early and bright found that the asda site

gone quiet and booked my food delivery

so remain independant a while

longer

hoping your fuel came too

stay safe

( note…james is a ‘penpal’ lives on tug hill. we share experiences daily)

am supposed to write about my great escape

though is not really come about in good

circumstances at all



there has not been nothing like it since that

plague or the bad flu thing after the war

not

in my lifetime

note



slowly the world is closing down

we are staying at home

to

protect us all for all the reasons he said that night



i have been here now eleven days & thats ok with

me

i work

i walk

i read

i look

& play

i dress down and comfy, i chat a lot to no one

i live on my own nicely



and after all this time i have escaped the pressure

i felt before

from society

my escape came quietly

corona virus



my escape came when i found my tormentor is ill
no longer a terror, no need to be afraid no more



i hate that this is topical

full of cryptic clues

hints are undeniable



i hated that i did not write like others

that it is all

layered

mixed up

& personal

& now



know  that it does not matter at all

.day 11.

we have lockdown here as you may know
it came last evening at 8.30, his knuckles
white,

john phoned me then to say he cannot visit
as planned with me at the upstairs window
him in the garden below

so i ordered the things online
like the paint that arrived
yesterday

‘happy yellow’ i gasped on opening
at how a colour can affect mood

a good name & i felt it so
that the doors will approve

later on the walk they dawdled up in front
stopped at all the turnings studying their
phones

in my delay i saw the birds nesting
the river running clean before they

went
and i
did my one
daily walk
now

with power

good to get
out

there has been too much order in
those tidy drawings so i used the
carbon again with looking away

they came random
slightly wistful i feel

my neighbour knocked at the back
so i opened and reversed down the
long library hall to talk loud from afar

he talked sense
but wondered
if they were hyping
it all up

still waking early
with the day fully
ahead and clear

it may be best you do not watch the news

that you concentrate on fuel or ticks this

spring

mostly in the day i am fine

muddling about here day

ten

now

yesterday we ran out of knitting yarn

ordered more

mended the chair where he wore it

away

all those years back

drew my escape by boat with the

clockwork mouse while the neighbours

watched

i did not see watch andrew marr as expected

in the morning

i saw a dedicated programme late afternoon

when i was tiring

james

maybe you are best not watching the news

the skies are clear here again today

it is very quiet and the schools have

closed

hoping my fuel comes today

coal nuggets, dry logs and sticks

ordered remotely

i asks my google for a reminder at six fifteen



she say reminder set, at what time?



so i says quarter past six



she says ok it is set for six fifteen



i blink

..light aircraft..



did i tell you a small plane flies over each day?

sometimes higher that the day before

i watch it
we all used to watch it
now
i watch it

so i fixed the phone
and found the message

and the past caught up with me
the circle turned again

i should feel a thing within
i do not

i stand and watch the plane

(really, oh really)



1234

glad to hear the snow is melting there
and that you are getting out and about

all our resaurants and pubs have closed
and no more swimming for the family
a while
despite the chlorine

he will swim the rivers and the sea
he is bolder than me
it is colder for me

we moved forward yesterday
with a few steps backwards

things broke, things were mended
cleaned and tidied

we talked over the fence, the first
in reality this week

they looked older, both had sticks
and offered supplies if necessary

two dogs
grey whippet twelve years old
and a black mixed scruffy

i watched them walk on and went
back into the studio quietly
sat a while

the others went out in their cars
and i hope they had good reason

surprised at the number of days achieved
hope you will manage ok with things and stuff

i wondered, then you told me
now i wonder how you feel
about it

you will have time for your bike

i am on a break during this phenomena
as you know

day 7

wake to a spring day full of sunshine
out there, the cats on the door step
waiting

i have looked to my memories recently
while cleaning, a thing unexperienced
much before
except when
writing

yesterday small planes flew over
maybe it is safe up there, then
later a big old thing with propellers

it went down the valley

the other day while drawing and using
the carbon
paper i forgot

drew the lines twice
and everything went
double

i lost my email address too
a long story he says i can
tell it over coffee
when ever that may be
he is grounded too
his asthma a thing

don’t get much junk mail no more

a big whole day ahead

from the simple words read

different
than i wrote

or did i wrote wrong?

day six

all things have changed here

the birds sing, i move about
different chores through the
day

while music plays

i walk

there is no one else much

when there is we smile move around
each other like a distanced dance

arms wave from cars to message me
later to say ‘it was me’ smiley face

i smiley face in return

i watch the milk deplete, think of
rationing it

as i have done with the tissue

without thought

reverted back to childhood ways as
mother taught me

to save paper and her money

for she had little of the latter

i plan my meals each day
carefully

today it will be the sprouts frozen
after christmas to make a

bubble & squeak

dear friend

i justed received your very welcome letter

&

instead of buttons, i have a pencil note

note that i use a pen

&

like my drawings may make mistakes

with drawings that is my intention

to see where it takes me, where it

takes the viewer

&

if no one sees it anyway, never mind

i have never been to grimsby

&

should like to visit one day

when we are allowed out again

i planned to write this sitting at the table

by the window like a lady in a novel yet

find i am on the floor crouching at the

coffee table

plans fail

the meter man came

& he kept his distance on command beautifully

young lad with red hair

&

an angry boil on his neck

this morning i woke to birdsong

opened the window wide to listen

to them rather than the radio

pleasant days despite the underlying anxiety

over family health & wellbeing

most of my erasers are filthy as i use chunks

of charcoal

&

draw back in with the rubber

i do wash them in the machine sometimes you know

as i write i notice more dust over there to be swept

aside later

i glory in four first class stamps left so this will fly

quickly if i post it soon

yes, leaving things alone a while works for me

on my return i may see things more clearly

&

a way to proceed.

(written one day in march)

i feel this is day five
am now in complete
isolation

i am to stay home

from the mill now

early we heard the birds

opened the window wide
listened to them rather than
the radio

these words i write plus the
numbers, a new math

while my email failed
so letters of complaint
die, float away

he used to think i targeted
him, when the aim is no one
nowhere

and i guess it mainly misses
the mark
yet makes another

i have a quiet walk each day
avoiding others and noticed
the holes in the hedges
to peer through

another world

yes
talking to myself

77.

:: shout at the wind ::

can you clamber
through the rocks
slipping into water
oily boots leaking?

can you stride out
over dewy moors
peat bogged
with no direction?

will you come with me
to these places
my spaces
and make history?

will you sit a while
amid the berried hedges,
sheltering,
remembering?

will we shout at the wind,
running, laughing
knowing
that this is ours
for the taking

or

will you stay home,
stay safe

and bleed?

so yes, you are ok, i think so anyhow



i shall miss my visits up the hill

to your house

looking at the string by your front door



i shall miss your pretty living room

the folded paper by the fire all so tidy



so i shall knit you a cloth for your stove

handle

cos it is hot

to touch



when we toast the buns

and i burn them. i shall

miss the butter and your

tidy ways



maybe in the autumn i

will be allowed out to visit again

to sit by your fire

and feel safe



with you

we are urged to change our lives
and maybe just maybe it is about
time
for we have had it easy a while

i am refering to myself only
for speaking broadly find
i may upset some

am late here after writing
a tome of explaination
apology for verse
not aimed at anyone
just a pattern of words
and sounds

my life is simplified
with the new living
suggestions

spoken for our health &
safety overall

people have come kind
& supportive all round
mainly

while few remain
in anger

i just feel



resigned to what
comes as i have before though

scared for my family & those
around me

i say this to you who
have been to war
who rides your bike
down dangerous hills

who cares for kittens

(written mid march)

you ask about the distancing
at present it is our choice

there may be quarantine if we are sick
and rumours of isolation for the vulnerable

maybe lock down

yesterday i went to my employment
yet for my own work i stay at home
no travelling by bus to the
secondary studio

i have what i need here
so will stay on my own

people stand apart
sit at a distance
that made us laugh

a corona is a halo around the sun
and other stars

corona is a chidlhood drink

now it is something else
that affects us all
has already changed our lives

i am fortunate that i have
much that is needed here

i feel for those that don’t

he titled his drawing
corona
and i shared it

i had done some of my own
without a thought

stay well



in splendid isolation
the window wide
birds still sing

while i wash my hands

pleased to hear of the funds

for that bike

go get it soon





i was drawing yesterday

and if things continue

as they are

i shall be here drawing some time





while

that is a comfort

much else is cancelled





work today

then a week

of social distancing





as it is now known.

to walk across the shingle bank

at low tide is possible



watch them



the current is strong

screaming at the cold



#soverycold.

near the private bits



the young go first breaking the air with hints

and sharper cracks  urging  brothers         on



elders have sticks, hold hands, help

each other



cross safely



their dogs leap over with only the sound of water



at low tide only

newport sands

4

(written 2 months back)

just to say that i am making changes due to the current situation.



will be working from home, and avoiding social interactions to

help prevent spread





why behave as normal when things are not normal

hope to see you  all when we are out the other side

i searched for serviette here
with small success, some years
back i discovered it too
how the ink soaks backand made a thing of it
i like it when things happen

in my head i hold a list
of things to do that seem
like magic
to me

it was one from costa and i think
is in my other files
you know

now social distancing
more than usual

costa

with capitals and longer sentences
she said i was odd, so i took that ok.

yet when later i said she was odd, she
said it was an insult……………



i washed my hands until they came shiny & ever
so slightly sore

i often say that

i think my work, my soul is in my chest



he said  when you are dead your work

becomes your heart

your name a brand



i like that first bit

not the second bit



he is dead

karel lek

such a thing while some are older
and quite particular; find their own
ways around things

look back and see the pretty room
stove glowing where we toasted buns

folded paper

where the cow lives up the lane, where
we sit by the window to phone each
other

the rain came early
the rain came heavy
as forewarned

i wearied
so
today i stop
a while

to

remember the little image
in my mind

weather warning
again
yet no numbers
no more

seems there was a power cut
in the night
the microwave clock flashing

nought nought

a sure sign that something
has occured

i will know more when i investigate
the cat bowl left outdoors for darling

the feral

note the level of rain
water

before he comes for food

so i fixed it while the kettle
boiled guessing the exact time
so it will be wrong and shall

have to be adjusted later

:: this is a new story ::

where.

where does collaboration work? here.

with you, you, you and you, i have named you

before.

with tags and capitals, links and other stable

placings.

i was only stitching. a steady hand. it was an offer,

happily accepted.

i was only drawing. so we drew together. here

& another place.

i was only writing a, yet there are many of

us who came together.

we are alone, until we start working

together.

it comes a wider space, with mistakes and misgivings.

nothing in this world is perfect. it is raining today. the

washing is out.

neighbours help.

writers help, drawers

line our walls with

notes & labels. a few

of us

work together.

and do not fight.



11

things happen and it is mighty fine
to hear you talk about the woods
and the animals again

i guess i missed that
though laundry chat
was somehow satisfying

things moved on here workwise
and glad to see such a moment

we talked of spores quite briefly
while oak leaves came to mind

then enjoyed the shape of a poppy

seed head

i woke at five surprised to see it
had come bright, then leaning the
window find that the shepherd’s
outside light is on

i guess he is lambing

this time of year

6.19

numbers

the wind can cut deep
so wool additives will
protect

some here knit furiously
and while meant for charity
family
often desire
and keep
for their own attire

we read an article that spies
knitted codes into their patterns
in the war

no one suspected
a thing

you see two or three miles
sounds fun whizzing along

ears covered though woolly
hats make my forehead itch
a bit
never mind

nice, it is a nice morning.

i feel some times that

the word unreasonable

is mine

though i react through

my reason

which comes clear

with my muddled

thinking

dare i laugh here

who said that

&

what is it?

how will they know for thinking

comes silent inside our heads

unless we utter

which in my case is not often

who defines the different

level of thought

is there a manual

with charts and graphs

a litmus test to testify

that the thought got tangled

oh what is it like?

really

oh really

yes the mass cloud of folk
their traditions and rules
invented and not mine either

and i may suspect
not yours

i said yesterday that if some folk
went quiet and listened like you
do

they may learn the understanding

like you have

she said very forthright and challenging
things that
she believed

and my drawing changed
then as i moved forward

reverted back to type

what a phenomena

hoping that all is well with
you with signs of spring
showing

(before lockdown)

glad to hear you got out
yesterday in the air
as did i

a spring day here too
on the top deck all the
way back from aberystwyth

i felt odd after being home
so much this winter

seems most folk were
the same and came
all chatty and neighbourly

the scone was perfect and
the baker insisted i had
extra butter
and a chat about
local, seasonal foods
and i thought of you
as my teeth slid into
yellow saltiness

the gold shop done closed
guess folk haave less money
here
now

maybe you will find a better
job, more suited to your
sensiblities

with windows
to see outdoors

glad you out to ride
your bike

light already

yes we had marg or dripping
and when there was butter
for a treat there was no jam
on top, nor honeywe had to eat the bread bit before
we got cake
or tinned fruit with carnation
milk
in those days

i bought butter as a friend was visiting
with buns

he watched while i spread it and remarked
that then there were local shops
so i says yes
corner shops

he frowned
and i says
well where i lived
they were mostly
on corners

we ate the buns nicely
with just the right amount
of currants
or are they raisins
in buns?

later the sun was out
and i rakes up the fallen
twigs and stuff and noted
that the council had not
taken the ******* from
last week

anyhows sometimes
while writing like you
thoughts drift into mind

days in lampeter
where we feel secure

and other stuff

birds already singing
6.20 am

small

we do not have those
we have hardly had any
this year only up the passes
here really

oh really it is quite warm even
without a wool coat

we used to play blow football
came in a compendium of games
at christmas

with little wire goalposts. it was
funny yet one brother took it
serious and got annoyed
at me

as always

he went to live with granny
eventually

the blowers smelled of plastic
needed breath
no gas

like yours .

briefly now
need to buy butter.

then

i wished i did not have to go
or be the things, the way they wanted

at this age it is mostly fine, except when
my mouth blurts things i hoped i had
only thought

it is a state of affairs

i write about those days sometimes, the
better bits mostly. nowadays i can do
mostly as i please being an adult with

my own choices

and not mind too
much if they think
i am nuts

some days i do mind
and feel sad

i am booked on a trip and find
some from the village coming
too

that feels a bother
i am used to the
company of strangers

being strange myself

yes, we have been indoors a while now





it has happened before, do you remember

that year the snow came & i had to have a

taxi to get there





how all the guttering & aerials went with

the weight of it

suspension springs snapped





then after everything was repaired





some words we google then change

the letters about to confirm with

that which is deemed correct



granny had special knives too, fish

and butter and some others. on a

rainy day she would let us play with them



i still enjoy cutlery



i am not called that, mine is more

the usual without the d, however

now he texts me i am abbreviated

into gma



which is cool



i am enjoying being in so much

yesterday i was already and coated

then saw the snow warnings on the

pass



so made coffee and ate malt loaf



the only  other issue being some virus

out there



another reason, should i say excuse

for staying home

with my google assistant

i remember the fog horn

we could hear it from

the house in green road

though miles from the sea

it seemed to me



liked hearing it while all

safe in bed

or thought i was

seems a fallacy

when no one is

safe really



though some are more

than others



seems i use some words

more than others

some not at all



we talked about corner shops

where we did the lesser shop

walked up to winton for the

rest

mum said it would be cheaper



then

sometimes she sent me down

the corner for the gas mantle

with warning not to touch

with it being so fragile

we moved when i was five



with no corner shop

no fog horn



i will be drawing

today

i notice this morning that
the work list is lost. though
it remains that i work sundays
unless i go on thursday or some
other day

she invites me to walk as we
have done before. i opt for
having a coffee instead

i like to walk quiet, to look
at things and remember them
so shall go alone

in london the irish man asked
for my number.

he did not ring. i guess he lost
it too.

i have been drawing
again

we have localised in that i am near
the estuary and the water flows up
with the tide and down at otherness

floods with the rains
over the fields so geraint moves
the sheep accordingly. one year

it all came suddenly and no one
prepared and lots were lost down to
the sea, cattle too and some sheds
and garden ornaments

the bridge came loose from the next
village , broken came down to jam
on penmaenpool toll

presently the worst of it seems to
be south wales and shropshire with
homes all under

water gets everwhere

today snow is forecast and while
prepared we come unprepared
and the roads over the mountains
gets icy
so some of us stay home

i am undecided this morning

at this age i feel it is my choice
and am not bothered on appearing
flaky

joan often appears even in hair cuts
yet always alive and still hopeful

i already have the star for bravery

regarding  canoes

i saw a car coming in with them

on top, the days of the floods &

assumed they were well prepared



the bridge is back open again i see

yet the bus is still diverted around

the waters





so will wait to go some sunnier

day when things come settled again



it was not urgent so i look forward

to a day drawing things out. yester

day it was joan of arc



we used to hear the lorry coming down

long road hill twice a week, tuesdays &

thursdays.

we chose our corona drinks, my favourite

was orange

the boys liked dandelion and burdock

or american cream soda



only a few know the end date

yes and hope it will be honesty
a good flower then many seeds

for another year

we have thundering rain
i can hear it

i see the buses are all diverted
to avoid dyfi bridge which is
closed for flooding

there is a real pretty footbridge
just along and they say the back
road is a lovely path to walk

travel and work here are now
commanded by the weather

what have we done , oh really

we cry out when some one dies
as we should
&
i have tears for the creatures we
harm who die

i missed the pheasant on the
road last evening
then
it ran in front the oncoming
who avoided it too

yes really
walked off nonchalantly
avoiding the extra letter
which i have deleted

spring will come
and we shall have
more flowers

i can see the first
leaves pushing through

fritillary

and the primroses are
spreading
despite
to spite
the storms

we shall have more drawings
i can see the marks & lines
pushing through

despite the weather
to spite
the storms

here
am back to mill
today
the winter rest is over

we shall have customers
who worry about the storms

verbally

this is the first quick reply

for time is short at present

there is much to be done



then later when there is a space

will reply again

a double thing

today



for i am home again

like one day out

then one day here

and is working well

so far





though yesterday

changed tempo

slowly with a slide

downwards



so going with the flow

i went with the flow

that benefited





ann has a mouse

she leaves out crumbs

ants come in the kitchen usually in february
leave at easter. it has not happened this year
yet

they scurry

yesterday i looked out and thought how nice
i have always wanted to live near water.

there were floods as far as i could see, my
neighbour said we could have a boat.

wind skittered across the surface like it
did when he died

despite this beauty i feel for those damaged
with water this year

i live on the rise and look out across

some one wrote to enquire and we
agreed it seems this is all our own fault

i had cherries yesterday
real nice

i like ants



1

memory is thought to be gone,
remnants remain, hiding.
working faster with out all

those words,
those images

ideals

bare bones of the fact  replaced,
restarted, corrupted items place gently
in the box, tied.
turn with dust.

crosses.

i find that writing here

to you on tug hill is an

impetous if that is the

appropriate word for

the written work and

maybe drawings will

come later





i will look at images

of hemlock with that

idea

in mind





we use or did use

fir cones to start

the fire



we went with mum

up meyrick park to

the woods to collect

them, to see the trains

that slowed down there

before the central station





one of my brothers fell

in a big ants nest, they were

made of pine needles





clever is ants





nice day yesterday at the

secondary studio a hub

of folk, had two visitors

for me and done six drawings

properly





ants is clever

and small

corruption

again





it

blinded those that could not see

the love and idle artefacts, each one

a statement of nothing in particular.

phased those that drove the power

in site of home, that stopped, saw

nothing

water that seeps insidiously into mind

spoils all things

things that can be mended.

he said that most people throw broken plates away

thank you. well really

oh really



7

the dog barked mournfully

though

was it my imagination


maybe

it was just barking usually

as maybe it had no concept

of what mournful is


they say i have that ability

it comes at night he said

the bleakness, so i gave

him a little lamp, a night

light


later a small mirror of

the same design as i

do not like to think of folk

feeling so

in the dark


the dog barked in the distance

from pentre farm up the road

i walk up slowly and see that

it lives in the little enclosure

above the stream

it hears me and jumps about

yapping, looks happy so

i wonder why i ever pronounced

it mournful


i watch and remember the day

the farmer brought the cow down

from there with the calf and walked

them up the lane

to the next field


some times at home i think i hear

that cow low mournfully


if i stay quiet i can hear a lot of things

imagine a lot of things

did you spot the comma error
or were you busy yesterday with
work and snow?

our storm is passed, the house
stopped creaking, the curtains
still

a while

we are making changes, only
slight
yet each thing makes a difference

as you know

did my voice startle you as it does
me sometimes

the garden debris is cleared so

when it is warmer and now the
******* bags are empty i shall
continue
fiddling

i bought some yellow allium
yesterday

James

i like it when you talk of flowers
at the edge

there is no one about down the back road

just two squirrels.



i wander up the ***** to the studio

to see if she is in.



she had issued one invitation only.  a quaint
old fashioned idea,       that we may be friends

please come ,take a drink,              talk with me

maybe                                               walk with me

let us get to know each other                   gently

do not over stay the welcome   50 minutes will suffice

breaking cups    spilling tea will abuse the hospitality

please come. i have the kettle on.    this is not the time

for hostility



she knows this is a corpse road, an old             deathway

bridle path up to the church

where  the monks walked from the abbey where

dead were brought for burial, pagan before the now

where candles burned



an old place she thought





background noises interrupt the walking tread

she turns to look back at the outline of trees

the scene beyond



hengwrt. smoke rising

smells  of warm wax



by the door



she catches her reflection in the glass

wonders who it is.   lost in  mind

forgets that she exists

a sense of unreality





the door  slightly open

she pushes it and waits



does not call out or knock

it does not some as natural



enters



her host is not at home yet

she looks about

blinks noting all the objects

are hers



she is the visitor, she is the host

she is two

become one again





inside outside in





she thought

there was no one about down the back road

just two squirrels.



my sister