“Well adjusted”
“The relationship was unhealthy”
“You were not being entirely fair”
“No”

Quietly
I’ve lost all that I thought I had
I know the truth..but..
I think I’m still dealing with the same questions internally that never went away
And I don’t think he’s enough to fulfill me
So fear is all I have and all I am
And it’s never stopped locking me up
And I don’t think it will today

I desperately want to be more
More than the fear
But I’ve never been anything else but that
So I don’t know how
And I have no hope that I can

I am the cage, I am the prisoner

The end

It’s going to be a really hard year
Of trying to not blame myself
I’m afraid to take a win
I’m terrified of moving on

But there is nothing else
It’ll all be null and void
If I don’t dust myself off
And stop looking back

Is it really okay for me to have a good day?

Can I make a friend in the midst of this?

Am I worth it?

I’m so happy
I’m so scared
You are the best thing
That has ever happened
To me
How do I manage keeping you

Can we just discuss how unattractive I am?
Insecurities **** my good qualities.
I have a lot of love in me.
But that doesn't matter if I get scared.
And I am scared.
Constantly.
That everyone will leave.
And I'm so so sorry.
Everyone, I'm just sorry...

All that is left in me,
All I can ask,
Is, "Why?"

I hate the color yellow
I hate the color pink
I hate blue and green together
Is there any piece left that’s me?

My clothes all feel tainted
They all remind me of you
It is so hard to feel myself
Stupid wardrobe I can’t afford to renew

Can I still like essential oils
Are these journals even me?
I don’t even like anything
It’s so hard to feel pretty

My plants are all dying
My family is scared
I can’t carry everyone’s bags
I’ve been losing so much hair

Everything I write is sad
I feel that if he knew he wouldn’t care
I loved him as hard as I could
He is the harshest tear

I was never enough
And it’s only after I can see
Hindsight is 20/20
My love…I was all I was able to be

I didn’t realize how many empty moments I have in my day
How often I sought to fill it
And how much harder the nights would be
Without seeing your face when I wanted

Hello, my sweet.
If I may, please allow me to wax poetic to you.
I don't know your name, I don't know your face. 
What I do know is what awaits you within my little infinity.
I will give my heart, mind, body and soul to you. 
Without condition or retreat. 
I will hold you in the quiet, when your mind races.
I will kiss your eyes when what you have seen has hurt you.
I will do everything in my power to fulfill whatever promise has been empty.
To be present in the gaps
Mold to your form.
My whole will be your all. 
Your eyes are a river washing over me.
Your arms are my hiding place.
Your mind my adventure.
Your soul will be my home, I will settle in and stay 
right 
there
I'll be your bird
Singing my song of joy to you, for you, with you
Please still love me if I sing off-key.
Please kiss me when I am not perfect.
I am going to need you.

And it freaking *****
I want something cathartic to do
Because sitting in bed isn’t cutting it
I’m addicted to the thought of ripping my soul from my body

I miss him

Does he think about the what if’s
Does he understand how I feel about him
What does he think of me
Does he look at our pictures as much as I do
Does he feed off of any moment of happiness we had
Or does he only think about the final days
And am I only a painful memory
Someone who didn’t hold up when the going got rough
Am I only a tear in his heart

Did he really believe that I tried

Does he know how let down I am by him?

It’s so impossible
How we both felt so right and held so firm
We were so immovable
And if we tried we still would be

There would be no coming together
Because I know I can’t shift, there’s no room
God literally won’t let me, he never lets me
And I don’t think he could or would change his mind
Everything and everyone he grew up knowing
Everything he read and established in his heart

Is it a matter of right or wrong? Maturity? Blindness? Willful blindness? Genuine belief? Or is it me is it me is it me

It’s over

There’s nothing I could have said to change his mind, I tried

There’s nothing I could have done to stay, I tried

I was immature, I was blind, I was willfully blind, I genuinely believed I was in the right

I was wrong

What do I do when I believe I’m too broken for your world

Here is what I know to be true
You have been faithful and kind to me
I know you're to be my deepest desire
I know you are good and full of tender mercies
I know if I just turn away that your arms are open and ready for me
I can trust you with everything because everything is yours already

I know any strength I have comes from your spirit within me
I haven't leaned into that
Which is probably why I haven't moved from this bed in two weeks
I'm too small and too afraid to face what this life holds for me
But I know you overcame the world on my behalf

God, I'm just so tired of waiting and trying
I'm tired of hurting other people and hurting myself
I just need you to do something with me, anything please
I'm begging you
Don't leave me here stranded
I know that you haven't

I just don't know what you're doing
Why you made me like this
I just don't feel allowed to want anything or hope for anything
It just becomes a huge risk for anyone involved
I ruin lives including my own
And I feel like you let me

I don't know how to give it all up and leave it behind me
But I feel like that's what you're asking of me
So if it is, please
GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE

Ice skates and two bite brownies
I don't know what innocence is
Walls, I need walls.
Darkest rooms and beige hallways
In an instant, stolen.
Run, run away.
Leather sofas and pure accidents.
What is happening to me?
Stop this, stop it now.
Tinted windows and background music
What have I done?
Walls, run, stop.

Please, just stop.

Why do you even exist?
You make yourself look so pretty.
You put on your makeup of convenience.
Your gown of simplicity.
But in reality, you are a thief.
You are stealing from me.
You steal the value of personal contact.
You steal the value of a kindly written letter.
You steal the value of words.
I feel so betrayed.
I believed your pretty little lies.
But you tricked me.
You were not real.
You are no longer my friend.
Internet Communication.

Hi I'm going crazy here
My heart feels and feels and for the ever living ****-
ing feels like it never ends
I've been continually coming back to the same place
YEAR after YEA-
Rear ended by my hopelessness catching up with me
I wish this wasn't the narrative of my soul
My internal mindscape screaming at me to SHUT THE HE-
Help me here, Lord, please
You know it all, you made me this way
Return O my soul to your rest for the Lord has dealt bountifully with yo-
You're a mess he won't hear you you're all alone in this
Yikes me, do us a favor and be still my soul

In your mind, you believe you are like artists you listen to.
Like their deep, meaningful lyrics relate to you.
In your mind, you think yourself to be clever.
Your little sayings and sarcasms so devious.
In your mind, you believe that you are a hipster.
Ironically saying yolo and swag.
In your mind, you think that you have inside jokes.
I tend to think that they are just with yourself.
Maybe that's just it.
It's all in your mind.

Whatever has happened this year
It doesn’t feel different
I time travelled to 2014
My heart is the same

How does one escape the hell called love?
The sweet soft gentle movement of hands
The burning beating fast nervousness
The silent whispers of obvious affection
The realizations slammed in your face
The searing white hot streaming tears
The late night screaming heart pains
The endless questions of hopeless loss

I…I can no longer remember what you feel like…
I can’t remember your hands..
I can’t remember your arms around me
I can’t remember your lips or your tongue…
And maybe that shouldn’t be as important to me as it is…
But god do I miss you

26- My golden year

******* what a huge lie
Why is my only dream to be loved why is this all you gave to me?
Why am I more lonely every time
WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY

Why do you never give me what I beg and plead for
You say you give good gifts to your children
How the hell am I supposed to know when you're giving me something and when you're not?
How am I to tell the difference
Why did you let me live in a relationship that was so good, so kind, so loving, and RIP MY HEART OUT because YOU WON'T LET ME HAVE HIM

Why God
Why is this where I am
Nothing in the depths of my soul has changed, I still want the same things, I'm still broken and unable to function
Why does it feel like I keep coming back to the same things over and over and over

I'm suspended in time and space
Stuck in a never ending loop
Nothing changes
Nothing is new
I'm Ranita and I'm ******

I hate me so much why why why why why
****

I wanted to write pretty things
I thought I would be inspired
But I'm broken instead

Come on Rain,
You know better.
You're being played,
Like a fiddle.
And it's
Your
Own
Fault.

I am here to describe something.
I know jealousy.
I feel it in my heart.
When I see a painting,
When I see a sketch,
When I see a pattern,
When I hear a song.
Others have found their medium.
I am still searching.
And wanting...
Wanting and wanting and wanting.
I know jealousy.
I look at my art...
And it isn't good enough for me.

No amount of words can describe what I feel.
I loved him so much and now he's gone.
He took his life and left us all confused.
We are all depressed and broken now.
Struggling to pick up the pieces of his life.
He wrote everything down, in journals, notepads.
He once wrote that he wanted to give me his bible.
So it's mine now..and I haven't touched it.
I was stronger when it first happened.
I was the one who cried the least out of everyone.
I was the one who listened to his recorder.
5 hours of slurred speech and pain.
Now I can't even touch the recorder out of fear.
Fear that hearing his voice will break me again.
I just wish that he laughed more.
Or rather, I just wish I listened....

All I can tell myself to stay sane,
Is that the moment will pass. It will end.
It will be okay.

I cry because I'm lonely, I cry because I'm scared.

I cry because I can't move out, I cry because I cared.

I can only tell a story, and I can because it's mine.

Although it's still a secret, and I tell you that I'm fine.

I lie because I love you, and I don't want you to know.

I bottle up my feelings, and hardly ever let them go.

I'm sorry I'm so lonely, I'm sorry I'm so scared.

I'm sorry that I can't move out,

But mostly,

I'm sorry that I cared.

Am I really trying to see
The best that I can be
Or am I just restless
Waiting for the end of me

I’ve been sleeping for too long
At this point is it worth waking up again?
Bright soul melancholy nature
Baby crow and phoenix
Coexisting or uninhabitable?
Habits that destroy my heart and future peace
I can’t say no
It’s ripping me apart
Experimental or experience?
Appetitive lost the second I enjoy myself
If I try, can I own up to today?
Can I handle the choices I make when I turn myself off?
Or am I truly killing myself?
The second, the second I decide to wake up
I know what’s waiting for me and what it means
And I’m just not enough - too small to face it
What do I do when it’s impossible to please myself?
When I don’t meet my own desires or expectations?
What do I do when they’re so important, I can’t lower them?
I have no genuine purpose aside from waking up and staying
Awake Alive Sober, Somber, Discontent, Trying
I’m so strained and tired and sleeping is so nice…

I am caged in.
But I guess that's my fault.
I guess I put myself there.
I'm stuck now.
I'm caged in.
Nothing makes me feel.
My eyes are lifeless.
The fire in me has burned out.
Stifled by lack of oxygen.
So what to do now?
Live on caged in?

Everyone grows up at some point.
Every journey is different.
Mine was discovering the difference between living black and white
and living grey.
I used to believe everything had a clear answer, a straightforward method of communicating
but in reality, it’s not so transparent.
In my desire for simplicity I created a much more complicated world.
Now I desire to accept life in its complexities so I can move forward with no pressure to know the answers.
To be at peace with everyone..
To be at peace with myself,
by saying hey,
maybe I dont know,
but maybe thats okay.

Has writing become too dark a place for me?
I can’t stop

Less love in my soul than ever before
I’ll be taking care of myself
From here on out
And God, I don’t want to

I can’t keep killing my soul
There will be none of me left
To love the little I have

Loveless, I’ll live, I guess
What an unhappy existence

Maybe I’ll give up one day

Maybe later

It just really ***** dude
How all I want
Is a brother
A guy to listen to me
I had the perfect brother
He's been gone
Only a year
And it gets worse
Every single day

Hiding in my mind is the easiest
Reality hurts too much
Holding someone can help
But I'm not looking for temporary fixes
Love is the hardest thing to feel
I never know if I'm permitting it
Besides, nobody ever feels it with me
Being alone is all that makes sense
I doubt I'll ever fall in love
But either way, I'll be fine

My sweetest brother.
You always took care of me.
You saw me struggle through my teenage years.
I fought so hard to be a part of the family.
And you reached out to me.
You loved me unconditionally.
You took me out to dinner and gave me gifts.
You always complimented me.
You always opened doors for me.
Nothing less than a gentleman.
You taught me what a man should be.
We laughed so much.
We cried so much.
And you always made everything better.
I miss your hugs.
I miss your eyes..
With the one brown spot in the middle of the green.
I miss how your voice sounded.
I miss you speaking Portuguese.
I miss your arm around me.
But I miss your laugh the most.
Especially when you would laugh at my jokes.
They deserved groans, but you rewarded me with joy.
I love you.

Please I want to sleep.
I don't want to leave you, bed.
You look so pretty.

I just want you to kiss my cheek and hug me one more time when you're wearing my favorite cologne of yours.

Why are the memories of that day and week etched into my brain?

Your house was colder than ever and you always had the AC on high.

I try to only think about orchids, Star Wars, and fish, but I mainly remember drugs, alcohol, and guns.

Change
Transitioning
Shifting
Metamorphosis
Morphing
Morphing
Mor­ph
Into something..else
To be different..to be better
To be something bigger than myself
It’s at my fingertips
On the tip of my tongue
The top of my priorities
It’s the often unspoken reality of humanity
To have this intense visceral desire
Placed there by God

I’m fully aware of my purpose now
To bring glory to God, to honor him, to love him, wholly and completely
And there’s an intense desire for it
And so many roadblocks
Often built by yours truly

The discouragement is so very real.
The fear is real.
The impossibility of it is real.

So if I cannot bring you glory through my choices in my helpless state
Please do it for me

Because I can’t do it
But I know you can

Maybe I'm just missing my home..
But I really feel like I'm searching,
For something I once knew well.
I hide my face in my hands too often,
Hoping for someone to tear me out
Of this hell I put myself in.
I would cry again, but whats the use?
Puffy eyes make me uglier.
Opinions of what to do with myself
Come out of everyone's mouth,
Screaming loudly for all to hear.
My thoughts are silent
Wishing for some life to spark in me.
Artistically speaking, my life is dull.
It used to flourish like the wilderness.
You haven't disappointed me.
I have disappointed myself deeply
Simply because I wait and wait.
I would run but where would I go?
Does it really matter what I think?
Sitting in one spot doesn't help.
So I'll sit in a field of wildflowers
Taking a simple step for myself
Where maybe I'll start to see.

What does it feel like to not be sad?
All I’ve ever done is feel badly for existing.
How do you live in it
What is breathing
What does space even mean
What is freedom and where can I purchase it

I have a jar of dried roses,
Sitting on my dresser.
Collecting dust,
Decaying petals,
Falling leaves,
They all remind me,
That beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
I look at the jar,
I see the dreary colors of death.
The colors long ago faded to lifelessness.
I love the beauty,
Of my lovely roses.

Lost in a sea of factors.
The lists have been erased by atomic bombs.
A girl swims through,
Her breathing jagged from exhaustion.
Her legs leaking blood.
She holds a book above the water.
She will swim forever.
"Whatever it takes" she says.
"Whatever what takes?" asked the wind.
The sea answered for her:
"Can't you see? There are two."
The wind was silenced.
The sea spoke,
"A shark. God no."
The other, a mermaid, spoke,
"Deeper waters look pretty.
I wish to venture further."
The girl still swims.
Barely able to keep herself afloat.
Swimming alone.
The factors dragging her under.
She clutches the book in one hand,
Paddles with the other.
She stays like this.
The mermaid visits her sometimes.
"Why have you left me?
Have you forgotten?"
The lone girl answers,
As best as she can,
"I still swim because of you.
I never forget. I never will forget.
I'm sorry, I love you.
Do what you will."

One arm draped over his shoulders
Hair between my fingers
Another hand tugging his shirt lightly
Holding my breath
One hand running through my hair softly
The other pressing on my lower back pulling me closer
My cheek buried into the skin of his neck
My lips on his collarbone
His breath brushing against my ear

Keep me there
Let it last
I’m desperate
Please

Without you here to remind me
My own heart ruins the you I knew
Does it matter that I can’t establish in my own mind if you were real or not?

You decimated me and I don’t think you even know it

Two months left in 28
Who I am is not who I've been
Pieces of myself pooling at my feet
Drops falling like condensation
Is this what has awaited me?

Reflections I do not recognize
New lines drawn on her soul
Under her eyes
I don't know this girl
Do I want to?

It's been one of those days
Where I could know pretty things
But in the end it doesn't matter
Pretty things can't fix me
It's been one of those days
Where I need more
More than just a promise
He is light, goodness, love,
But it's been one of those days
I know those pretty things
But it's been one of those days
When it can't make me feel better
One of those days
When I need some proof
When I need some love
When I need for it all to be over
When I need to cry
When I want to die