I’m not looking forward to anything anymore

I am standing firm;
Because of Christ, I will not be moved.
My God is better,
He is greater,
He is satisfying.
Nothing and no one else,
Will ever bring peace.
The way,
The truth,
The life.
No one gets to the Father
Except through him.
Cursed is the man
Who trusts in man?
Heck that's all I've ever done.
Who makes flesh his strength?
Yikes, I trust myself too much.
I am a shrub in the desert.
Lord, make me a tree by water,
Make my feet like the deer.
O God, who can stand the weight
But your Son?
It crushes me wholly.
I cry out to you and only you.
Where else will I turn
And be heard?
I've been caught in a snare
My entire life,
Blind to the resentment,
But dealing with the consequences.
Only you can bring peace.
Hey soul,
Chill out man~
Seek first the kingdom of God
And all these things will be added.
If he gave me his Son,
How will he not also
Graciously give
All things.
Soul, drink up the word.
Body, be a holy, set apart, temple.
Mind, take every thought captive.
All of me,
Live, breathe, enjoy
The gospel.

There is nothing and no one else worthy of worship.

Gal 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me.
And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God,
who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Ps 116:1-7 “I love the Lord, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.
Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live.
The snares of death encompassed me, the pangs of sheol laid hold on me. I suffered distress and anguish.
Then I called on the name of the Lord, "O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!"
Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful.
The Lord preserves the simple, when I was brought low he saved me.
Return O my soul to your rest, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you”

I desperately need to scream
Feel myself breathe again
Claw this parasite out of me
Tear what’s left to shreds

I want to say
That I’d give up my soul
Just to be needed
But that isn’t true


Is it

I'm learning to move on
past myself in my idiocy.
I'm learning to let go
of all I once loved.
I truly want to see who I really am,
but in the mirror there is no one staring back at me.
The emptiness, it drives me to fill it,
keeps me moving, breathing, thinking, believing.
There must be purpose for my soul
"There must be one to love me"
Maybe that's what it's been,
maybe its been me.
Must I learn to love myself how I am?
Empty, intelligent, depressed, blessed, terrified, self-aware.
Realizing that there is no one to prove myself to,
but me.
Maybe this, maybe this is my field of wildflowers.

To not be kissed
To not be held
To not be needed
To never be anyone’s everything
I am my own nothing and that’s all

That’s it

The end

Okay

If I asked you
In the right place
At the right time

Would you hold me again

I’m scared I like you too much





Do you like me?

When I sit down to write
500285 thoughts roll through my head
The decision of what topic to write on
Is the most difficult to make
I find myself downsizing on each "poem"
Trying to get to the core of what I'm trying to say
But I find that I miss saying other things I want to say
So
A series
Called Specifics
I want to describe more things in greater detail
So as to get the emotions out as clean as possible
Thank you for your time

Jumbled mess
Greatly depressed
Shaky hands
Can barely stand
Empty inhaler
I am a failure
Need to pack
Panic attack
CAN YOU JUST CALM DOWN PLEASE?

You used to be about my ****
But recently you’ve been a ****
I don’t know what I’ve done wrong in this
Somewhere along the lines I missed

Out on what you offered me
And now it’s just too late for me
To give you my love oh please
Oh please
Don’t let this end

I don’t know how to pretend
When we can’t even be friends
I know it’s what you want but I
Only want to see your face at night

(Oh why did I let go of)
What you offered me
And now it’s just too late for me
To give you my love oh please
Oh please
Don’t let this end

Too far in to take it back now
I wanted to make this work out
But your heart’s so far away
How can you just give

Up on what you offered me
And now it’s just too late for me
To give you my love oh please
Oh please
Don’t let this end

How do I let this all slide
I just want you by my side
And now I know you want to leave
I really can’t believe

(You gave)
Up on what I offered you
Is my love not enough for you
I know I’m a jealous *****
But I just can’t see past your ****
Oh what am I supposed to do
When all I want is all of you

The sad is big today
Permeating
Think, tangible, and just big
Soaked all the way through
I can feel it in my feet and in my hands
But I haven’t cried
I don’t think I can

Crumbling like a cookie
Melted like chocolate
Honey dripping from your lips into mine
Biting into me like a crunch bar

You say I’m delicious
Tasty
Decadent

Get the hell over here and kiss me more

How many times will I have to ask of you
To save me from myself
Before you actually grant my request

It’s so dangerous
I’m having to check my thoughts more often now

But I’m really hurt by you
For how totally terrified you are of people abandoning you
You abandoned me so quickly

And I gave it all that I had, as much as I could, till it tore me up inside
And if you can’t see that, if you can’t understand what that did to me, what I did for you

Then was it ever unconditional?

Conditional kindness is just…worthless

I did everything I could to stay, to be what you wanted, and you couldn’t even defend me, be in it with me

You abandoned me from the beginning

I was alone and I didn’t even know it

It never mattered, what I did, who I was, how much I wanted to fit
I couldn’t and you blame me for it

You made me feel like **** and it’s never going to not hurt

I care so much about expressing myself
About being seen
Because I’m so desperate for someone to care
And if you aren’t open and honest
Who will?

How many jumbled thoughts does one gal have in a day?
Whew buddy, lemme tell ya
I got the mistakes of yesterday
The joys of today
The new mercies in the morning
The repetitive repentance
Giggly laughing smiles remembering something he said
And the serious undertones of fear that I could lose him
Active motions towards trust
And mindless failures where I don’t
I swing like a pendulum every moment
Not really changing my mind
But feeling two ways about one thing
I can go from tsunami to serenity in a heartbeat
Anxiety coursing through my body
(like the coffee I drank this morning)
Meanwhile praising God for silly things I know he did
What even am I
Shut me off
Wake me up
Let me rest
Let me run
Let me
Me
Hey Hi Hello I'm Ranita
Welcome back to my youtube channel

Charmed into bad ideas
By a heart more lost than mine
Intrigued by the idea
That someone can want me that badly
Hey
I know where that leads
Don’t do this for me
You’ll never win like this

And trust me

I’m not worth that effort

Why is it
That all feelings
Leave me feeling
Either
Attached
Or
Detached
And none leave me
Free

Depression is such an ugly thing
I feel it oozing out my ears
Fleeing is nigh to impossible
But my only opportunity is here

Run run run run run
Towards the destiny I see for me
Run run run run run
Leave the place I've lived in for so long

Home is such a lovely word
But it isn't a singular place
It's where I feel that I'm in love
With the only embrace I'll ever need

I’m in love
With a fictional character
The depth he displays
The undying willingness to love despite flaws
The actions always backing up his desire to bring her happiness
The hidden things he did and the fulfilling of her wishes
It floors me, every time, without fail
I desperately want to be loved that way
And I would cheerfully reciprocate in full

I would do anything for someone to say
That they care what happens to me and that they’ll stay close beside me
I would do anything for someone to say to me
That they’ll love me despite my flaws and that they won’t leave, not ever

I love Cyrano, despite his love of his pride.
I would die happy if I had those precious few minutes of reciprocated love, just once in my life.

No one will ever want me now
Who would want to put up with me
It was a miracle to me to have him
I can’t imagine anything working
Not ever again
Give me something else
Or give me death

I'm being tortured. Being pulled apart slowly, painfully, and in all of the places that make me scream the loudest.
Satan has given me my own personal demons. My torturers.
They have ripped my skull in half.
They are experimenting on different parts of my mind. Finding where it causes me to writhe in pain.
They have started to rip the skin over my chest.
They have found my heart. They are cutting it to pieces.
They have taken my lungs. They are squeezing them..making it impossible to breathe..
yet God is barely keeping me alive. Why? Why do I feel like Job? I'm not strong. I don't have the strength to keep my blood flowing.
I feel it. They are going to snap my spine in half. Soon. So very soon.

I’ve only ever wanted a husband to love me, and that’s all.
Baseline singular deepest dream
I’ve had it my whole life.

But what I have is shame, sitting on my back, shoved down my throat, piercing through my heart, freezing me up

I’ve let them all down
Everyone I love
Everyone who loves me
Everyone who loved me

To my mom:
I’m sorry I don’t get out of bed everyday.
I’ve been really sad, I just need some time.
I’m so ashamed I can’t do what you want for me

To my sisters:
You guys are the best, you’ve been my support
I’m ashamed because I’m scared to call you

To my friends:
I want to be there for you, I want to be good to you, I’m scared I’ll fail you
I’m ashamed that I can’t even text back when you’re all so kind to me

To my church:
I want to be a better sister, a better servant, I’m terrified of being a burden
I’m ashamed that I’m scared of you and I’m ashamed of how much I cry when I’m with you

To everyone I met:
I’m sorry I unfollowed you, I’m sorry I hurt him, I’m sorry I disappeared, I’m sorry there’s no good answers, I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to what I tried to be.
I’m so ashamed that I can’t be her, that I’m not there, that I didn’t become your friend and family. That it’s my fault.

To Joann:
I’m so very sorry that I couldn’t be your daughter and that I couldn’t take care of your son.
I’m very ashamed I can’t bring myself to write to you and try to explain or even just apologize.

To you:
I’m ashamed because I think you’ve read the things I wrote. I’m ashamed that I’ve been so depressed and hurting over a lot of things, some concerning you and some of them not. I’m ashamed that it’s me you were with. I’m ashamed that I have hurt you, to any extent. I’m ashamed that I exist being the person I am and I’m ashamed that I was so wrong. I’m ashamed that I know that we can’t, won’t, aren’t capable of talking for a really really long time because I know I can’t handle it.

I am ashamed because I am so locked up and frozen in place because of shame and because all I’ve been able to do is cry.

I want to rip my soul out my chest
Or at least my throat through my neck
Maybe if I **** my voice
I’ll stop feeling like I could control
I want to **** off all my dreams
Or at least watch my blood seep through my skin
Maybe if I could just pay my dues
I wouldn’t feel like a worthless *****

Save me, save me from myself
Before I hurt more than me
Before he leaves

“What’d I do
To deserve this
Now
How did this happen?”

When did I drop
From the ecstasy of heaven
To the pits of hell
I fought so hard
You know that right?
I made my heart ice
I caged myself to stay safe
And I caved
Because I hated it
Being alone
Look where I am
It’s no field of wildflowers
It’s all a ruin
Of my own making
Me
I did this
Me
Little insignificant
Me
I wanted so much more
I sought it out
And I destroyed myself
And everyone I love too
The cage was better
So much better
So safe

I keep telling people,
"Art is my enemy."
"I haven't drawn in months."
"I don't like this piece."
"I'm close to giving up."
And then my mind...
It decides not to care.
I can draw without restraint.
And I do.
And I like it.
But then I am sent into self doubt,
All over again.
So when I draw something good,
Don't worry, I'm surprised too.

I just want to go through emotional trauma with someone
And share a lingering, sweet, gentle kiss at the end
Is that too much to ask for

I was only privy to his kindness while he believed I could fit into the mold.
Once I revealed I couldn’t fit, his kindness left with that dream.
It evaporated in front of me and I watched him shift completely.

Grace that he claimed was there for me at any time.
Grace that I’m too terrified to take for myself.
Grace that would make being me a little easier.
Where is it, what is it, how do I just exist in it?

God, you don’t make any sense
Because it doesn’t make any sense
Because my inner self doesn’t make sense
But grace is so absent in my life
That I’m absolutely ravenous for any sign of someone being kind to me.

Any fleeting moment where it feels okay

Any small taste of being allowed to exist

All I want when I feel like this
Is for him to look at me like that again
So I can fall asleep on his chest
At ease that it’s not all my fault

Slow burn
Softly dying
Six years
Little by little
Chipping away
Degrading sanity
Take advantage of
Unrequited love
I just wish
You didn’t let me do this to you

Flirting with every woman on the planet
I’m not attracted to you as a person
You’re killing me smalls
There’s nothing in your soul to entice me at all

I still have too long a life ahead
To get rid of these feelings, right?
I want to try doing over
The things I've left undone.
I thought I was running after
Something carried over from my dreams.
Yet I'm stumbling into people
On this narrow, winding road.
It's not like I want to go back
To the way things were back then.
I'm just searching for the sky
I've been losing.
Here's hoping you'll understand.
Stop making that sad face
As though you were a victim.
Sins don't end with tears
You have to carry the pain forever.
Who am I waiting for, in this maze of emotions
With no way out in sight?
I want to purge myself more simply
As if writing in a blank notebook.
What is it I want to escape from..
...Is it reality?
It makes me want to scream that we're alive
For things to come true.
Can you hear me?
I can't put up with playing it safe.
I've got nowhere to go home to.
I'm always grateful for kindness
That's why I want to grow stronger.
(I'm on my way)
I even welcome this pain
For the things I miss.

Dropping hints
Sickly soul
Burning up
Giving out
Frankly scared
Empty eyes
Shimmering hope
Greedy hands
Freely given
Happy dance

Fingers run through my hair
Air whips my skirt
Invisible force pushes me back
Gentle hands brush my arm
My eyes flinch with the stronger gusts
The cool brings chills to my skin
My mind feels relaxed and free

Belief but total disbelief at the same time
Am I still saved or am I too far gone

I wish I didn't take everything so seriously
Maybe it's a good thing?
But it feels like hell

What is it like to fully and truly relax?
To let go of the fear
Would it feel like water?

People have told me my whole life
They want me to feel free
All I want is what is good

Is it considered good to feel free
If it risks someone else’s heart
And my own?

Am I the phoenix or the crow?

I wish I didn't take everything so seriously
Maybe it's a good thing?
But it feels like hell

What is it like to fully and truly relax?
To let go of the fear
Would it feel like water?

People have told me my whole life
They want me to feel free
All I want is what is good

Is it considered good to feel free
If it risks someone elses heart
And my own?

Am I the phoenix or the crow?

I have
No one

I’m left hiding
From everyone

I’m clinging
To the past

With weight
On my back

Is there a point
To my screaming

With no one
To hear

Gaping holes in my heart
Will you hold what's left
Even on days when you don't want to

Give me one of those phone calls
Where you’re miles apart
But all you feel is comfort
Enough peace
Enough kind quietness
To fall asleep to his breathing
Soaking in the sound
Of his carbon dioxide
Tingling from the depth of it all
Swimming in it
Give me one of those please

Get me out of this timeline
The trap I’m in
The back and forth and restlessness
I hate it here and I hate who it makes me into

I think now I understand what this is
What I was to you
I was an ego boost, something soft to touch
Maybe it was my laugh, maybe it was my smile
But I can tell you for sure
It wasn’t my commitment to Christ
That kept you coming back to me
You wanted my attention
Just as much as I wanted yours
But we're both fools here
Our time is wasted on games

I love the Lord
I want him more than I ever wanted you
And honestly, seeing you
For what you are
Helps me to do the right thing
You are a sinner in need of the gospel
Same as me
But I have a responsibility
I am called to be holy

I’m done playing games

Heb 12:1-2 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and run with endurance the race that is set before us. Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfect of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Could I please forget about times past
I live there everyday
The sickness in my soul wells up
Until I cannot hold it anymore
I want to move to a better place
But I'm afraid of risking my heart
These things too valuable to give up
Yet much too difficult to give in
I'm a sensitive being
When I truly think it through
I just want to experience life
Sinking into someone's thoughts
Is it so hard to believe
That someone could love me
I swear (I swear)
I may bark but I will never bite

It doesn’t matter if I’m right
My emotions will take over
I’ll seem crazy
It doesn’t matter if I’m right
He’ll only see the world through
His rosy lenses
It doesn’t matter if he’s wrong
I feel the way I feel
And it’s too late for me to heal
It doesn’t matter if he’s wrong
He’ll never change
Even though he claims to care
It doesn’t matter if we try
We just won’t work out
Our hearts are too far away
It doesn’t matter if we try
I don’t want him
Even though I like to pretend

“How’s the job search going?”
“John caught some lobsters this week.”
“How are you doing? You look tired.”
“Would you like some oranges?”
“That’s great! Sounds like things are going well for you.”
“What are you doing instead? You should just come and hang out.”
“Would you like to come to lunch with me and my family?”

The social pressures
Were so much easier
When he was next to me

Every moment I’m in a group
I’m crying inside
It only reminds me of you
And that you’re not mine anymore

My thoughts have nostalgia and fear of the future fused together
And I've found that the only way to get over both
Is to grow deep into God's word, falling in love with him
So I can grow up and be who he wants me to be
Free
In his beauty

Being an adult
******* *****