Being wanted
Desired without knowing it
The depth of emotion in it
I want a Cyrano..a Duckie.
The inner workings
Of a man crumbling to pieces
At the sight of a woman he loves

That’s that **** about which I am talking.

I want to be wanted. Including my flaws.
More than words can say.
I wish I could see it in his eyes.

Kiss his face like Amélie
Need him like Nia
Devote my heart and soul to him
…like Ranita


It never was

And it never will be

Enough

One arm draped over his shoulders
Hair between my fingers
Another hand tugging his shirt lightly
Holding my breath
One hand running through my hair softly
The other pressing on my lower back pulling me closer
My cheek buried into the skin of his neck
My lips on his collarbone
His breath brushing against my ear

Keep me there
Let it last
I’m desperate
Please

Tick tock
Grandfather clock
Swinging in time
With
The beat of my heart
Time flies
When I feel loved
Wishing for
The swinging to stop
To match- oh..
The skips
Of my heart
Tick-...
Ugh
Why won’t it swing?
Waiting for
The hand to bring
The end
Of my madness
Waiting for
My heart
To stop
Beating

Hazy reminiscing
We were kissing
Something missing
I can't remember
What it
Feels like

Any

More

It was just a dream
But here's the thing
I'm pretty sure
That I will die
Without a man
Calling me pretty

Late

At night

I care so much about expressing myself
About being seen
Because I’m so desperate for someone to care
And if you aren’t open and honest
Who will?

My heart isn’t worth anything anymore
I wasn’t enough of a reason
And I’m just a side piece
I’ll settle for anything that makes me feel better
Alive

Is it worth it?

I think now I understand what this is
What I was to you
I was an ego boost, something soft to touch
Maybe it was my laugh, maybe it was my smile
But I can tell you for sure
It wasn’t my commitment to Christ
That kept you coming back to me
You wanted my attention
Just as much as I wanted yours
But we're both fools here
Our time is wasted on games

I love the Lord
I want him more than I ever wanted you
And honestly, seeing you
For what you are
Helps me to do the right thing
You are a sinner in need of the gospel
Same as me
But I have a responsibility
I am called to be holy

I’m done playing games

Heb 12:1-2 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and run with endurance the race that is set before us. Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfect of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

Without you here to remind me
My own heart ruins the you I knew
Does it matter that I can’t establish in my own mind if you were real or not?

You decimated me and I don’t think you even know it

“How’s the job search going?”
“John caught some lobsters this week.”
“How are you doing? You look tired.”
“Would you like some oranges?”
“That’s great! Sounds like things are going well for you.”
“What are you doing instead? You should just come and hang out.”
“Would you like to come to lunch with me and my family?”

The social pressures
Were so much easier
When he was next to me

Every moment I’m in a group
I’m crying inside
It only reminds me of you
And that you’re not mine anymore

Give me one of those phone calls
Where you’re miles apart
But all you feel is comfort
Enough peace
Enough kind quietness
To fall asleep to his breathing
Soaking in the sound
Of his carbon dioxide
Tingling from the depth of it all
Swimming in it
Give me one of those please

If I asked you
In the right place
At the right time

Would you hold me again

I desperately need to scream
Feel myself breathe again
Claw this parasite out of me
Tear what’s left to shreds

I want to say
That I’d give up my soul
Just to be needed
But that isn’t true


Is it

I’ve been sleeping for too long
At this point is it worth waking up again?
Bright soul melancholy nature
Baby crow and phoenix
Coexisting or uninhabitable?
Habits that destroy my heart and future peace
I can’t say no
It’s ripping me apart
Experimental or experience?
Appetitive lost the second I enjoy myself
If I try, can I own up to today?
Can I handle the choices I make when I turn myself off?
Or am I truly killing myself?
The second, the second I decide to wake up
I know what’s waiting for me and what it means
And I’m just not enough - too small to face it
What do I do when it’s impossible to please myself?
When I don’t meet my own desires or expectations?
What do I do when they’re so important, I can’t lower them?
I have no genuine purpose aside from waking up and staying
Awake Alive Sober, Somber, Discontent, Trying
I’m so strained and tired and sleeping is so nice…

It’s so dangerous
I’m having to check my thoughts more often now

But I’m really hurt by you
For how totally terrified you are of people abandoning you
You abandoned me so quickly

And I gave it all that I had, as much as I could, till it tore me up inside
And if you can’t see that, if you can’t understand what that did to me, what I did for you

Then was it ever unconditional?

Conditional kindness is just…worthless

I did everything I could to stay, to be what you wanted, and you couldn’t even defend me, be in it with me

You abandoned me from the beginning

I was alone and I didn’t even know it

It never mattered, what I did, who I was, how much I wanted to fit
I couldn’t and you blame me for it

You made me feel like **** and it’s never going to not hurt

I’m not looking forward to anything anymore

Why is it
That all feelings
Leave me feeling
Either
Attached
Or
Detached
And none leave me
Free

It’s really easy to romanticize the small memories
Reminiscing
Imagining that they were so sweet
But looking at the messages, the voicemails, the myriad of pictures and videos

There’s the taste of something missing

I watch myself and I see it

Maybe it does all make sense

I don’t know if I would be able to make words come out of my mouth
You have been a rollercoaster from start to finish
Somewhere I had myself convinced you were a breeze
That you were like breathing
You weren’t
I don’t think I blame you for that
You just weren’t it for me, and I wasn’t it for you
We had it wrong babe, I don’t know how, but we had it so wrong

Oh no
This is a…never ending flow
From my heart into words
I think I’m going to die

I know I’m only doing this to myself
Wait is that true?
How much of this
Is what you’ve done to me

I don’t know why I want to blame someone
I’ve tried blaming you
But it’s not fair
You don’t and won’t speak to me

I’ve tried blaming God
But nobody wins at that game
I land on whoever I can take it out on
And it’s always going to be me

I’m alone, afraid, and dead inside
I haven’t been awake for weeks
I just want to see you
Or I want it all to end

I’m not worth loving anymore
I’m an empty shell
Sick in the head
Gone

Gaping holes in my heart
Will you hold what's left
Even on days when you don't want to

Crumbling like a cookie
Melted like chocolate
Honey dripping from your lips into mine
Biting into me like a crunch bar

You say I’m delicious
Tasty
Decadent

Get the hell over here and kiss me more

Two sides, one coin
Lightswitch, on again, off again
Surrounded by decisions my own soul cannot face
Desperate to never be alone
So desperate I hate myself for it
Yearning to be okay,
Never okay
Sick to my stomach imagining myself trying to be something
Hoping there’s someone I’m allowed to follow
So little to offer because I’m too broken to love right
Terrified of being too small, while being too small to try to be bigger
I. Cannot. Do. It.

What kind of life can someone like me live?

Why force me to be alone

What are you doing to me

“Well adjusted”
“The relationship was unhealthy”
“You were not being entirely fair”
“No”

I’m in love
With a fictional character
The depth he displays
The undying willingness to love despite flaws
The actions always backing up his desire to bring her happiness
The hidden things he did and the fulfilling of her wishes
It floors me, every time, without fail
I desperately want to be loved that way
And I would cheerfully reciprocate in full

I would do anything for someone to say
That they care what happens to me and that they’ll stay close beside me
I would do anything for someone to say to me
That they’ll love me despite my flaws and that they won’t leave, not ever

I love Cyrano, despite his love of his pride.
I would die happy if I had those precious few minutes of reciprocated love, just once in my life.

Dropping hints
Sickly soul
Burning up
Giving out
Frankly scared
Empty eyes
Shimmering hope
Greedy hands
Freely given
Happy dance

What does it feel like to not be sad?
All I’ve ever done is feel badly for existing.
How do you live in it
What is breathing
What does space even mean
What is freedom and where can I purchase it

Two months left in 28
Who I am is not who I've been
Pieces of myself pooling at my feet
Drops falling like condensation
Is this what has awaited me?

Reflections I do not recognize
New lines drawn on her soul
Under her eyes
I don't know this girl
Do I want to?

I want to rip my soul out my chest
Or at least my throat through my neck
Maybe if I **** my voice
I’ll stop feeling like I could control
I want to **** off all my dreams
Or at least watch my blood seep through my skin
Maybe if I could just pay my dues
I wouldn’t feel like a worthless *****

Save me, save me from myself
Before I hurt more than me
Before he leaves

Have I ****** this whole thing up by having feelings?
Are you done with me?
The complete role reversal here is painful
At least I communicated what was happening to you when I ran away
Am I that intimidating?
All I wanted was to be sweet
I miss your arms
I miss your head on my chest
I’m so lost and confused
You made me want that chance with you
You made me so happy
And now I’m at this low that I didn’t anticipate experiencing anytime soon
My heart is so tired of hurting
The quiet nights are eating me alive

I was only privy to his kindness while he believed I could fit into the mold.
Once I revealed I couldn’t fit, his kindness left with that dream.
It evaporated in front of me and I watched him shift completely.

Grace that he claimed was there for me at any time.
Grace that I’m too terrified to take for myself.
Grace that would make being me a little easier.
Where is it, what is it, how do I just exist in it?

God, you don’t make any sense
Because it doesn’t make any sense
Because my inner self doesn’t make sense
But grace is so absent in my life
That I’m absolutely ravenous for any sign of someone being kind to me.

Any fleeting moment where it feels okay

Any small taste of being allowed to exist

All I want when I feel like this
Is for him to look at me like that again
So I can fall asleep on his chest
At ease that it’s not all my fault

I’m sure you would say I’m thinking too poorly of you
But aren’t you doing the same?
Wasn’t that our shtick when we were fighting?
I keep trying to convince myself that you aren’t so cruel
And that you wouldn’t think so low of me
That somewhere inside of you you would remember how sweet I was
But then I have what I think of you since you left my heart
And it’s not a pretty picture

Being an adult
******* *****

26- My golden year

******* what a huge lie
Why is my only dream to be loved why is this all you gave to me?
Why am I more lonely every time
WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY

Why do you never give me what I beg and plead for
You say you give good gifts to your children
How the hell am I supposed to know when you're giving me something and when you're not?
How am I to tell the difference
Why did you let me live in a relationship that was so good, so kind, so loving, and RIP MY HEART OUT because YOU WON'T LET ME HAVE HIM

Why God
Why is this where I am
Nothing in the depths of my soul has changed, I still want the same things, I'm still broken and unable to function
Why does it feel like I keep coming back to the same things over and over and over

I'm suspended in time and space
Stuck in a never ending loop
Nothing changes
Nothing is new
I'm Ranita and I'm ******

I hate me so much why why why why why
****

In the quiet moments
When I’m alone
And I’m hurting
Wanting comfort
Only your name
Your name
Is what my mind says to me
I hear it
And it hurts even more

It's getting really hard to meditate
On what's good and holy
When all the songs I hear
Are filled with lyrics about doubts and fear
Like being down in the dumps
And people pleasers
I need a how to
On being meek and quiet
With a heart that identifies
With what isn't true
I wanna be loud
I want to scream
How else will I get it out of me

Am I really trying to see
The best that I can be
Or am I just restless
Waiting for the end of me

How many times will I have to ask of you
To save me from myself
Before you actually grant my request

Paint the clouds red
I’ll enjoy the drive
Hair trapped in my glasses
Pretending you’re with me
Tendrils of thought
Escaping my grasp
I fixed my car
The music is blaring
Hold my hand
Nobody cares
Grinning ear to ear
Quietly existing

This is all that I am
There’s nothing else there
****

Get it out of yourself
Or you’re going to die
From holding it in
From holding back

I am miserable

I’m not ready for what’s coming

No one will ever want me now
Who would want to put up with me
It was a miracle to me to have him
I can’t imagine anything working
Not ever again
Give me something else
Or give me death

Is the pain manageable for you?
I’ve ignored it the last few weeks.
I don’t want to remember your name.
Don’t worry, it’s been hell for me.
I’m sure that’s fine with you…

How many jumbled thoughts does one gal have in a day?
Whew buddy, lemme tell ya
I got the mistakes of yesterday
The joys of today
The new mercies in the morning
The repetitive repentance
Giggly laughing smiles remembering something he said
And the serious undertones of fear that I could lose him
Active motions towards trust
And mindless failures where I don’t
I swing like a pendulum every moment
Not really changing my mind
But feeling two ways about one thing
I can go from tsunami to serenity in a heartbeat
Anxiety coursing through my body
(like the coffee I drank this morning)
Meanwhile praising God for silly things I know he did
What even am I
Shut me off
Wake me up
Let me rest
Let me run
Let me
Me
Hey Hi Hello I'm Ranita
Welcome back to my youtube channel

Episode 2 season 4
But the stranger thing here is that I’m drunk on my floor staring at my closet mirror.
You abandoned me
After I gave you my all
And you don’t give a ****
And I’m dead inside

I keep checking my drunk texts
But apparently even uninhibited me refuses to contact you
Out of fear
And sadness
And shame

Change
Transitioning
Shifting
Metamorphosis
Morphing
Morphing
Mor­ph
Into something..else
To be different..to be better
To be something bigger than myself
It’s at my fingertips
On the tip of my tongue
The top of my priorities
It’s the often unspoken reality of humanity
To have this intense visceral desire
Placed there by God

I’m fully aware of my purpose now
To bring glory to God, to honor him, to love him, wholly and completely
And there’s an intense desire for it
And so many roadblocks
Often built by yours truly

The discouragement is so very real.
The fear is real.
The impossibility of it is real.

So if I cannot bring you glory through my choices in my helpless state
Please do it for me

Because I can’t do it
But I know you can

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, the most pain, the most shame, the most fear.
I’ve lost any identity that I had built up inside myself and projected outwardly
I know it’s time to rebuild myself, to change it all and to be new
I can’t be what I was, there’s no going back or trying it again.
I never anticipated things being what they are, I never understood the gravity of what I was doing and how little I understood what leaving everything behind meant.

I never thought, that I would hear the bitterness in his voice, aimed at me.
I could picture his face, I know how he looks when he talks about people like that.

His kind eyes evaporated

But it doesn’t change my future, he doesn’t have to be kind to me ever again, that’s his right.
I still have to morph to my new reality, I still have to be something more, with him, or without him.
And not for him.
And not because he is bitter towards me.

For God I guess.
Because it’s all him anyway, it’s nothing that is good in me, it’s only the good in him that can drive me

I just can’t lose it this time…not again

I probably don’t make any sense

Does he think about the what if’s
Does he understand how I feel about him
What does he think of me
Does he look at our pictures as much as I do
Does he feed off of any moment of happiness we had
Or does he only think about the final days
And am I only a painful memory
Someone who didn’t hold up when the going got rough
Am I only a tear in his heart

Did he really believe that I tried

Does he know how let down I am by him?

It’s so impossible
How we both felt so right and held so firm
We were so immovable
And if we tried we still would be

There would be no coming together
Because I know I can’t shift, there’s no room
God literally won’t let me, he never lets me
And I don’t think he could or would change his mind
Everything and everyone he grew up knowing
Everything he read and established in his heart

Is it a matter of right or wrong? Maturity? Blindness? Willful blindness? Genuine belief? Or is it me is it me is it me

It’s over

There’s nothing I could have said to change his mind, I tried

There’s nothing I could have done to stay, I tried

I was immature, I was blind, I was willfully blind, I genuinely believed I was in the right

I was wrong

I'm learning to move on
past myself in my idiocy.
I'm learning to let go
of all I once loved.
I truly want to see who I really am,
but in the mirror there is no one staring back at me.
The emptiness, it drives me to fill it,
keeps me moving, breathing, thinking, believing.
There must be purpose for my soul
"There must be one to love me"
Maybe that's what it's been,
maybe its been me.
Must I learn to love myself how I am?
Empty, intelligent, depressed, blessed, terrified, self-aware.
Realizing that there is no one to prove myself to,
but me.
Maybe this, maybe this is my field of wildflowers.

Or I’ll be crushed

Please stop

I am standing firm;
Because of Christ, I will not be moved.
My God is better,
He is greater,
He is satisfying.
Nothing and no one else,
Will ever bring peace.
The way,
The truth,
The life.
No one gets to the Father
Except through him.
Cursed is the man
Who trusts in man?
Heck that's all I've ever done.
Who makes flesh his strength?
Yikes, I trust myself too much.
I am a shrub in the desert.
Lord, make me a tree by water,
Make my feet like the deer.
O God, who can stand the weight
But your Son?
It crushes me wholly.
I cry out to you and only you.
Where else will I turn
And be heard?
I've been caught in a snare
My entire life,
Blind to the resentment,
But dealing with the consequences.
Only you can bring peace.
Hey soul,
Chill out man~
Seek first the kingdom of God
And all these things will be added.
If he gave me his Son,
How will he not also
Graciously give
All things.
Soul, drink up the word.
Body, be a holy, set apart, temple.
Mind, take every thought captive.
All of me,
Live, breathe, enjoy
The gospel.

There is nothing and no one else worthy of worship.

Gal 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me.
And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God,
who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Ps 116:1-7 “I love the Lord, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.
Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live.
The snares of death encompassed me, the pangs of sheol laid hold on me. I suffered distress and anguish.
Then I called on the name of the Lord, "O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!"
Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful.
The Lord preserves the simple, when I was brought low he saved me.
Return O my soul to your rest, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you”