Hi I'm going crazy here
My heart feels and feels and for the ever living ****-
ing feels like it never ends
I've been continually coming back to the same place
YEAR after YEA-
Rear ended by my hopelessness catching up with me
I wish this wasn't the narrative of my soul
My internal mindscape screaming at me to SHUT THE HE-
Help me here, Lord, please
You know it all, you made me this way
Return O my soul to your rest for the Lord has dealt bountifully with yo-
You're a mess he won't hear you you're all alone in this
Yikes me, do us a favor and be still my soul

Ripping soul from flesh
Throat through my neck
**** my voice and stop dreaming about control
Heart on my sleeve and on my shirt
Holding it in all day but it's a lie
Sleeping when I'm awake
Dreaming of a better time better place more rhymes
Songs stuck in my soul
Hurting me more and more

Who will I be when I wake myself up
Who can I be if anything at all
T-pose for the haters
**** I hate myself
Close my eyes in the wind and breathe

Why would I ever think or act like asking is so hard
When in reality the hardest part is not asking
At all

_
I’m so pleased that you avoided me like the plague.
I probably just scared you by telling you I broke down.
Either way, still pleased.
_
You broke me so hard and I’ve never recovered.
You never looked back.
I would have done anything for you.
I still love you, I would still forgive you, but I know you’ll never come back.
_
You gave me a picture of New York.
What did you want me to do with it?
What you wrote, tore me up.
I don’t want you.
_
All of the things I’ve said.
Let me go, let me grow, let me be. Don’t come back. I can’t breathe. I’m too scared. I’m not good. I’m not enough. I’m not fighting for you, don’t fight for me.
It’s so painfully evident to me,
That you need this even more than I do.

Everyone grows up at some point.
Every journey is different.
Mine was discovering the difference between living black and white
and living grey.
I used to believe everything had a clear answer, a straightforward method of communicating
but in reality, it’s not so transparent.
In my desire for simplicity I created a much more complicated world.
Now I desire to accept life in its complexities so I can move forward with no pressure to know the answers.
To be at peace with everyone..
To be at peace with myself,
by saying hey,
maybe I dont know,
but maybe thats okay.

You used to be about my ****
But recently you’ve been a ****
I don’t know what I’ve done wrong in this
Somewhere along the lines I missed

Out on what you offered me
And now it’s just too late for me
To give you my love oh please
Oh please
Don’t let this end

I don’t know how to pretend
When we can’t even be friends
I know it’s what you want but I
Only want to see your face at night

(Oh why did I let go of)
What you offered me
And now it’s just too late for me
To give you my love oh please
Oh please
Don’t let this end

Too far in to take it back now
I wanted to make this work out
But your heart’s so far away
How can you just give

Up on what you offered me
And now it’s just too late for me
To give you my love oh please
Oh please
Don’t let this end

How do I let this all slide
I just want you by my side
And now I know you want to leave
I really can’t believe

(You gave)
Up on what I offered you
Is my love not enough for you
I know I’m a jealous *****
But I just can’t see past your ****
Oh what am I supposed to do
When all I want is all of you

And it freaking *****
I want something cathartic to do
Because sitting in bed isn’t cutting it
I’m addicted to the thought of ripping my soul from my body

I miss him

I can finally be true to myself again
There are things I value so much
Things I really wanted for myself
That I wouldn't have had

There is some relief, some respite
Some amount of joy..
I can breathe some..
I didn't make a bigger mistake

And I know I have you to thank
I was severely clouded
Wrote about it for months
But couldn't see till you showed me

Thank you for the evidence needed
Thank you for the clarity of thought
Thank you for saving me
From myself

Quietly
I’ve lost all that I thought I had
I know the truth..but..
I think I’m still dealing with the same questions internally that never went away
And I don’t think he’s enough to fulfill me
So fear is all I have and all I am
And it’s never stopped locking me up
And I don’t think it will today

I desperately want to be more
More than the fear
But I’ve never been anything else but that
So I don’t know how
And I have no hope that I can

I am the cage, I am the prisoner

The end

Here is what I know to be true
You have been faithful and kind to me
I know you're to be my deepest desire
I know you are good and full of tender mercies
I know if I just turn away that your arms are open and ready for me
I can trust you with everything because everything is yours already

I know any strength I have comes from your spirit within me
I haven't leaned into that
Which is probably why I haven't moved from this bed in two weeks
I'm too small and too afraid to face what this life holds for me
But I know you overcame the world on my behalf

God, I'm just so tired of waiting and trying
I'm tired of hurting other people and hurting myself
I just need you to do something with me, anything please
I'm begging you
Don't leave me here stranded
I know that you haven't

I just don't know what you're doing
Why you made me like this
I just don't feel allowed to want anything or hope for anything
It just becomes a huge risk for anyone involved
I ruin lives including my own
And I feel like you let me

I don't know how to give it all up and leave it behind me
But I feel like that's what you're asking of me
So if it is, please
GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE

I’m so happy
I’m so scared
You are the best thing
That has ever happened
To me
How do I manage keeping you

I wish I didn't take everything so seriously
Maybe it's a good thing?
But it feels like hell

What is it like to fully and truly relax?
To let go of the fear
Would it feel like water?

People have told me my whole life
They want me to feel free
All I want is what is good

Is it considered good to feel free
If it risks someone elses heart
And my own?

Am I the phoenix or the crow?

I was doomed from the beginning
Living by my examples
Of misplaced trust and expectations
Leading to massive let down
Time and time again
It’s like I don’t know what happiness is without someone telling me everything’s alright
I can’t even begin to describe what it’s like being my own cage inside of my mind
Codependency is my thorn in my side
May my weakness show the power of Christ

I didn’t realize how many empty moments I have in my day
How often I sought to fill it
And how much harder the nights would be
Without seeing your face when I wanted

I don't feel enough anymore
That's rich coming from me
I feel too much but it's the wrong things
I don't feel what's important
Instead I forget so quickly
I choose to forget instead of deal with what's in front of me
I'm miserable because of things I do to myself
And because of things I choose not to do
This isn't even satisfying, I'm restless

What do I do when I believe I’m too broken for your world

My insides are ripping me to shreds
Starting with my mind ending with my hunger
I so very deeply want more that I can’t stop
I’m not like you Jeff
I may feel just as hopeless but I think because you followed through I can’t follow you

What do I do on the days that I believe I can’t be your girlfriend?
On the days when I want to ask, “Can you dream a little smaller?”
What do I do when I believe I’ll only hold you back from what is good?
All I want is good
How can I ever ask someone to shoot for less
How can I ever dream that it’s okay to be with me
Because
It’s not
So what do I do

What do I do on the day when you confirm all of this
When you see it and agree

Your mercies are new every morning.
Your spirit drawing me toward you always.
It’s always new. Changing my heart.
Sanctification is a process.
It is such a joy to have your glorious grace transform me.
I know who I truly am, I truly do have a chance.
And it’s all for the benefit of the gospel.
So yes, everything is new.

Lord the posture of my heart
It swung, always before your eyes
You know me fully wholly without fault
Never missing a single beat
You see me

Be still
Be strong
Let your heart take courage
Wait for the Lord

Abba, only you can draw me to a place of rest and patience.
I am a mess father
Forgive me
Prone to wander
Lord I feel it

Return o my soul to your rest
The Lord has dealt bountifully with you
Lord guide, lead, pour out your mercy
Douse me with wisdom
Let my lips speak with justice

Jesus my ruler, rescuer, my brother
Thank you, lead me to faithful worship

Spirit, pray when I don’t know how
When I don’t know what to do
When I am faithless
Guide the posture of my heart
Humble me father please. I need it
I need you above all, help me to receive

Help my unbelief
Help me to desire, commit, trust
Thank you for never forsaking your saints

The righteous are ever in your care
You are faithful
When I am faithless

Make my feet as the deer
Establish my steps
As I delight in your way
Uphold my hand lord
Even as I fall
Cause my steps not to slip

I’m floating
Drifting
Losing my way
Again
Help

Heal my faithlessness
O God, my rock and my salvation
Keep my heart tethered to your word
Stay my mind on thoughts of you

Hello, my sweet.
If I may, please allow me to wax poetic to you.
I don't know your name, I don't know your face. 
What I do know is what awaits you within my little infinity.
I will give my heart, mind, body and soul to you. 
Without condition or retreat. 
I will hold you in the quiet, when your mind races.
I will kiss your eyes when what you have seen has hurt you.
I will do everything in my power to fulfill whatever promise has been empty.
To be present in the gaps
Mold to your form.
My whole will be your all. 
Your eyes are a river washing over me.
Your arms are my hiding place.
Your mind my adventure.
Your soul will be my home, I will settle in and stay 
right 
there
I'll be your bird
Singing my song of joy to you, for you, with you
Please still love me if I sing off-key.
Please kiss me when I am not perfect.
I am going to need you.

Will I ever find rest
Will my heart find respite
Can I go to sleep without stress in my head
Will I find joy soon
Will I ever find peace
Will I find comfort in another’s arms or confidence at least
Will I ever be fine
Will I ever be truly happy
Will I get married and have children who are proud to call me mom

It doesn’t matter if I’m right
My emotions will take over
I’ll seem crazy
It doesn’t matter if I’m right
He’ll only see the world through
His rosy lenses
It doesn’t matter if he’s wrong
I feel the way I feel
And it’s too late for me to heal
It doesn’t matter if he’s wrong
He’ll never change
Even though he claims to care
It doesn’t matter if we try
We just won’t work out
Our hearts are too far away
It doesn’t matter if we try
I don’t want him
Even though I like to pretend

It’s as if misery is a drug to me.
It’s like I need it to exist.
One outlet leaves me,
And I fill it with another.
Anything to keep me in this state.

It's been a while
Nothing new..maybe kinder smiles
Added a few bricks

Remembering how people have said they want me to feel free
I can't remember who said it
I still haven't felt it

Please, just..don't perceive me
I'm cowering in my corner of the world
Hiding from every piece of everything and everyone

How many more times do you think it will take
Before I learn
Before he introduces himself

I bruised my hand three times this week
And I don't think that holds any significance for anyone
Except for me.

Somehow I'm not surprised
He takes it all in stride
Finding safety, I turn to
His patience; a virtue
Enveloped in a feeling of grace
Holding back, giving me space
Waiting - saying it's no harm
Comfortable enough
Almost sleeping on his arm
-Or on the phone-
"Hey cutie"
Why does he say that
Making me melt
At the drop of a hat

I forgot that it's okay
He already knows anyway
That I'm a human; a mess
And so is he
Like a Charlie Brown
Christmas tree

Bruh, you're hella cute
I'm super into you
Did you know that?
Hope you're ready for this trainwreck
Because shoot boy,
I'm hoping I don't destroy you
I'm just waiting for the day
When I do phase you

I'd write you a cute little note but today most likely isn't that day.
I feel smaller than a grain of grass that I pick at while we talk on the phone.
My heart is like an eggshell, squeeze because you love me and I may even crack from that.
I'm lonelier than I thought and I know not even a commitment would "fix" it.
(not saying it wouldn't help)
My mind isn't sharp, it's clouded with the many toxic thoughts it has moment by moment.
There are no breaks
There are no bonuses
Do not pass go
Do not collect 200 dollars.

I'm scared
I'll rush myself
I'm happy
You enjoy yourself
I'm terrified
I'll ruin us
You're laughing
When I cuss
So embarassed
I'll hide my face
We're refreshed
It's a decent pace

You showed up out of nowhere
I hope I don't hope too much
My heart a fragile vase
Your patience the flowers

I'll wait on the sidelines
Watching you shoot- score!
Points for your side
Honestly, you're winning

My fight or flight responds
But why would I run from you
Your heart tender and sweet
All you do is draw me in

Whatever this is
Whoever you are
To me, this feels like grace
It's scary
But when
Am I ever
Not scared
And when
Will
Hypotheticals
Become
Reality

Am I morphing or am I pretending?

I have no friends and no patience to make it happen when there is no progress so far. Plus what’s the use if they ditch me from lack of caring about me.

If this doesn’t work, I’ll be as hopeless as Jeff. With no options left but to live with myself the way I am for the rest of my life.

I am. Crazy. And there is no end. It lasts forever. Trapped in my internal mindscape.

If you loved me like you said you do, then why do you make me do all of the work you lazy *** ****. You don’t love me. You’re saying whatever you can to get what you want. I just wish it hadn’t worked. And ******* for telling me to shut up. You put me in this position.

Everything that has ever happened to me is my fault.

Dad, I love you but if you don’t stop talking to me like I’m 16 I’m going to burst into flames from how infuriated I am. I’ve asked you so many times now to take me seriously. Ps. Saying I love you in such cheap ways doesn’t make me feel loved. You’re saying it like it’s your job and not like it’s real. I’d honestly rather you left me alone.

If I am, I’ll do it, and I will never tell anyone ever. I would live with it alone. I would hide it for the rest of my life.

You are so good to me
You handle all my ebbs and flows
Vibes and lows

All I hear
Is, “It’s okay”
“Hey”

I wish I didn't take everything so seriously
Maybe it's a good thing?
But it feels like hell

What is it like to fully and truly relax?
To let go of the fear
Would it feel like water?

People have told me my whole life
They want me to feel free
All I want is what is good

Is it considered good to feel free
If it risks someone else’s heart
And my own?

Am I the phoenix or the crow?