It's on nights like these that I remember every romantic gesture from people I loved
The smallest of things
The shortest of looks
The sweetest of kisses
It's on nights like these that I realize
How much it haunts me in the deep recesses of my mind
And in the deepest reaches of my heart
I can't take it back
But oh God, I wish I could

Come on Rain,
You know better.
You're being played,
Like a fiddle.
And it's
Your
Own
Fault.

I am broken
Unsure how to run correctly.
And in the words of Forrest Gump,
"That's all I have to say about that."

Heart strings snapped
Cut ties
Cut hair
Even if I like it long
Amputate the memories
To keep the parts of me
That were mine to begin with
Two lives enmeshed together
Severed
It’s been a bad breakup
I’m having a breakdown

How can you accept me
As I am..me..
Being the laziest person ever
Laziness produces anxiety
And then my lungs give out on me
Barely breathing the air you gave me
What kind of life is that?
So wrapped up in breathing
Can I just forget it please?
And just...
Live...

My sweetest brother.
You always took care of me.
You saw me struggle through my teenage years.
I fought so hard to be a part of the family.
And you reached out to me.
You loved me unconditionally.
You took me out to dinner and gave me gifts.
You always complimented me.
You always opened doors for me.
Nothing less than a gentleman.
You taught me what a man should be.
We laughed so much.
We cried so much.
And you always made everything better.
I miss your hugs.
I miss your eyes..
With the one brown spot in the middle of the green.
I miss how your voice sounded.
I miss you speaking Portuguese.
I miss your arm around me.
But I miss your laugh the most.
Especially when you would laugh at my jokes.
They deserved groans, but you rewarded me with joy.
I love you.

I am not perfect
I love, I hate
I help, I cry
And now
I
Feel
Nothing

You somehow had the strange ability to make me feel everything
While simultaneously making me feel like I was nothing

I'll say this, you sparked in me a love for music
Specifically Sufjan Stevens
No Shade in the Shadow of the Cross kills me
"**** me I'm falling apart"

"Here's a coin, call someone who cares"
If you ever called, I would have cared
I wouldn't have ever stooped that low

I don't miss you and some days I hate you
I hope your life is everything you wished
I know you've been searching for something more, same as me

-Ranita

My thoughts have nostalgia and fear of the future fused together
And I've found that the only way to get over both
Is to grow deep into God's word, falling in love with him
So I can grow up and be who he wants me to be
Free
In his beauty

Wake me up before I die
What will happen to me if I sleep all my days
Change will never come without your touch
Your fingertips and your sweet embrace
Come to me darling
Let me feather my fingers in your hair

Has writing become too dark a place for me?
I can’t stop

How does one escape the hell called love?
The sweet soft gentle movement of hands
The burning beating fast nervousness
The silent whispers of obvious affection
The realizations slammed in your face
The searing white hot streaming tears
The late night screaming heart pains
The endless questions of hopeless loss

It's been one of those days
Where I could know pretty things
But in the end it doesn't matter
Pretty things can't fix me
It's been one of those days
Where I need more
More than just a promise
He is light, goodness, love,
But it's been one of those days
I know those pretty things
But it's been one of those days
When it can't make me feel better
One of those days
When I need some proof
When I need some love
When I need for it all to be over
When I need to cry
When I want to die

I've never felt so blank in my life
I used to be a thousand colors - chaos
Now, I am an empty, white canvas
Waiting for God to paint something beautiful
Hoping for something more than me

I have
No one

I’m left hiding
From everyone

I’m clinging
To the past

With weight
On my back

Is there a point
To my screaming

With no one
To hear

I wish I was an alchemist
Then maybe I could make myself a silver lining

Or at the very least have a sweet *** intro

I’m not gonna make it

All these thoughts swirling in my head
About what to do, who to be
I've never experienced shutting down
Then waking up for the first time
The control that I had, totally gone
And now I'm completely free
Because the structure is missing
And the thoughts are the same
My mind's interpretations are new

Belief but total disbelief at the same time
Am I still saved or am I too far gone

I hate him so much
I miss the way he treated me
I miss his friendship and how he made me laugh
I miss him taking care of me in every aspect
I miss the car rides we took listening to amazing music

To not be kissed
To not be held
To not be needed
To never be anyone’s everything
I am my own nothing and that’s all

That’s it

The end

Okay

I…I can no longer remember what you feel like…
I can’t remember your hands..
I can’t remember your arms around me
I can’t remember your lips or your tongue…
And maybe that shouldn’t be as important to me as it is…
But god do I miss you

Dude, you gotta break up with her.
She's taken over your life and you're a free spirit.
You've gone through this before and I watched as it happened,
You let these crazy girls stifle you instead of just living.
I've seen you be so much more and I hope the best for you.
We haven't even talked for almost a year now because of her.

Remember those times that we played games together?
We sipped on some wine and hugged when we were done with a round of Mario party.
You seemed free, happy, just alive.

Remember when you took me to that gated community?
We laid on the dock, talked for hours.
I was mainly a big baby and you encouraged me.
You told me stories from your life.
But again, you were free, happy, and alive.

Remember how we talked about TDCC?
We went back to work and they came on over the store radio.
I laughed to myself about it,
Then you came running over from the meat department and we laughed about it together.
You were free, happy, ALIVE.

Yeah, you've worked some ****** jobs, you've dated ****** girls,
But you are so much more.
I know not a lot of people see, but I knew from the first time we took one of our 10 minute breaks at the same time.

It's written all over your body in the form of tattoos,
It's written all over the way you treat people,
It's written all over your house,
It's written in how you play guitar,
In how you smoke cigarettes.

I want you to know,
That one time,
You bought me flowers on a day I was depressed,
You made my week.

-Ranita

Hiding in my mind is the easiest
Reality hurts too much
Holding someone can help
But I'm not looking for temporary fixes
Love is the hardest thing to feel
I never know if I'm permitting it
Besides, nobody ever feels it with me
Being alone is all that makes sense
I doubt I'll ever fall in love
But either way, I'll be fine

Depression is such an ugly thing
I feel it oozing out my ears
Fleeing is nigh to impossible
But my only opportunity is here

Run run run run run
Towards the destiny I see for me
Run run run run run
Leave the place I've lived in for so long

Home is such a lovely word
But it isn't a singular place
It's where I feel that I'm in love
With the only embrace I'll ever need

Could I please forget about times past
I live there everyday
The sickness in my soul wells up
Until I cannot hold it anymore
I want to move to a better place
But I'm afraid of risking my heart
These things too valuable to give up
Yet much too difficult to give in
I'm a sensitive being
When I truly think it through
I just want to experience life
Sinking into someone's thoughts
Is it so hard to believe
That someone could love me
I swear (I swear)
I may bark but I will never bite

The only times I'm not alone are when my heart and mind are both dwelling on the things of the Lord
I've spent the large majority of my life shutting off my mind so my heart won't feel
To avoid fear and being overwhelmed by it emotionally
The hardest part is forcing myself to think through all of it
To turn on my mind so the emotion can wash over me
(All my flesh wants is to sleep and drink alcohol, to not think and to not feel)
The things that would help solve my problems are the stark opposite of my fleshly desires and habits
So...to address where my heart is..
The things I want, I want for the wrong reasons
My heart is too easily swayed by being denied those things
In the end, I don't know what it is that I truly want or really even need
I feel empty
I guess that's kinda the point though
Being brought to the end of myself so the Lord can fill me

All I can tell myself to stay sane,
Is that the moment will pass. It will end.
It will be okay.

I was very grateful for your friendship while I had it.
You took care of me, and I took care of you.
You left me hanging though.
I get it, you're busy.
But we all make time for what we believe is important.
So it's obvious where I am on your list of priorities.

I've realized that I think too much of certain people.
I raise them up higher than where they desire to be.
And thus I end up let down since they aren't interested in having that place in my life.

You were one of these such people.
I used to call it a heart connection, now I know it's foolishness.

I know you didn't mean to teach me that, but I'm grateful nonetheless.
I'm growing.
You were a part of that for a while, but now we're distant.
Thank you for that letter you wrote me, it's still encouraging to me.
Thank you for the words of affirmation you freely gave.

I miss you kid, I really hope school is going well for you and that you're growing in Christ.

-Ranita

The sad is big today
Permeating
Think, tangible, and just big
Soaked all the way through
I can feel it in my feet and in my hands
But I haven’t cried
I don’t think I can

Whatever has happened this year
It doesn’t feel different
I time travelled to 2014
My heart is the same

Everything that’s ever happened to me or that I’ve done wasn’t important
It was just something to live through

I just want to go through emotional trauma with someone
And share a lingering, sweet, gentle kiss at the end
Is that too much to ask for

Everything in me
Is angry at myself
I am totally stalled and frozen and broken
And it’s my fault

I wanted to write pretty things
I thought I would be inspired
But I'm broken instead

All that is left in me,
All I can ask,
Is, "Why?"

I am sick of feeling this
Helplessness
Loneliness
Utter unhappiness

No one could ever know me
God
Stop giving me hope
I don't want it anymore

It’s going to be a really hard year
Of trying to not blame myself
I’m afraid to take a win
I’m terrified of moving on

But there is nothing else
It’ll all be null and void
If I don’t dust myself off
And stop looking back

Is it really okay for me to have a good day?

Can I make a friend in the midst of this?

Am I worth it?

When I sit down to write
500285 thoughts roll through my head
The decision of what topic to write on
Is the most difficult to make
I find myself downsizing on each "poem"
Trying to get to the core of what I'm trying to say
But I find that I miss saying other things I want to say
So
A series
Called Specifics
I want to describe more things in greater detail
So as to get the emotions out as clean as possible
Thank you for your time

It's never going to happen for me
The brokeness runs too deep
The trauma is way too much to work through
These pieces are the foundations I built myself on
And I've crumbled and I can't rebuild
And I don't want to

I’m scared I like you too much





Do you like me?

Sin.
I will not be rid of it till I reach eternity.
The flesh sickens me,
But I cling to it, in hopes that it will satisfy.
Truth isn't fleeting,
It's a rock to hold on to.
So to be sober-minded...
It's not that easy.
One split second of my weakness,
My heart crumbles to the ground.
I feel as if I must build and build,
But I tear down every brick.

I don't understand
I don't understand
I don't understand
Am I loved?
Or am I alone?

You’ve had the upper hand the whole time
I’m about to backhand your face
Reach out to me for goodness sake
Hands folded, begging for relief

“What’d I do
To deserve this
Now
How did this happen?”

When did I drop
From the ecstasy of heaven
To the pits of hell
I fought so hard
You know that right?
I made my heart ice
I caged myself to stay safe
And I caved
Because I hated it
Being alone
Look where I am
It’s no field of wildflowers
It’s all a ruin
Of my own making
Me
I did this
Me
Little insignificant
Me
I wanted so much more
I sought it out
And I destroyed myself
And everyone I love too
The cage was better
So much better
So safe

Charmed into bad ideas
By a heart more lost than mine
Intrigued by the idea
That someone can want me that badly
Hey
I know where that leads
Don’t do this for me
You’ll never win like this

And trust me

I’m not worth that effort