Two sides, one coin
Lightswitch, on again, off again
Surrounded by decisions my own soul cannot face
Desperate to never be alone
So desperate I hate myself for it
Yearning to be okay,
Never okay
Sick to my stomach imagining myself trying to be something
Hoping there’s someone I’m allowed to follow
So little to offer because I’m too broken to love right
Terrified of being too small, while being too small to try to be bigger
I. Cannot. Do. It.

What kind of life can someone like me live?

Why force me to be alone

What are you doing to me

Oh no
This is a…never ending flow
From my heart into words
I think I’m going to die

I know I’m only doing this to myself
Wait is that true?
How much of this
Is what you’ve done to me

I don’t know why I want to blame someone
I’ve tried blaming you
But it’s not fair
You don’t and won’t speak to me

I’ve tried blaming God
But nobody wins at that game
I land on whoever I can take it out on
And it’s always going to be me

I’m alone, afraid, and dead inside
I haven’t been awake for weeks
I just want to see you
Or I want it all to end

I’m not worth loving anymore
I’m an empty shell
Sick in the head
Gone

I still love you
But I don’t think I really knew you
Can my heart stop this please

In the quiet moments
When I’m alone
And I’m hurting
Wanting comfort
Only your name
Your name
Is what my mind says to me
I hear it
And it hurts even more

Is the pain manageable for you?
I’ve ignored it the last few weeks.
I don’t want to remember your name.
Don’t worry, it’s been hell for me.
I’m sure that’s fine with you…

It’s so dangerous
I’m having to check my thoughts more often now

But I’m really hurt by you
For how totally terrified you are of people abandoning you
You abandoned me so quickly

And I gave it all that I had, as much as I could, till it tore me up inside
And if you can’t see that, if you can’t understand what that did to me, what I did for you

Then was it ever unconditional?

Conditional kindness is just…worthless

I did everything I could to stay, to be what you wanted, and you couldn’t even defend me, be in it with me

You abandoned me from the beginning

I was alone and I didn’t even know it

It never mattered, what I did, who I was, how much I wanted to fit
I couldn’t and you blame me for it

You made me feel like **** and it’s never going to not hurt

It’s really easy to romanticize the small memories
Reminiscing
Imagining that they were so sweet
But looking at the messages, the voicemails, the myriad of pictures and videos

There’s the taste of something missing

I watch myself and I see it

Maybe it does all make sense

I was only privy to his kindness while he believed I could fit into the mold.
Once I revealed I couldn’t fit, his kindness left with that dream.
It evaporated in front of me and I watched him shift completely.

Grace that he claimed was there for me at any time.
Grace that I’m too terrified to take for myself.
Grace that would make being me a little easier.
Where is it, what is it, how do I just exist in it?

God, you don’t make any sense
Because it doesn’t make any sense
Because my inner self doesn’t make sense
But grace is so absent in my life
That I’m absolutely ravenous for any sign of someone being kind to me.

Any fleeting moment where it feels okay

Any small taste of being allowed to exist

All I want when I feel like this
Is for him to look at me like that again
So I can fall asleep on his chest
At ease that it’s not all my fault

And it freaking *****
I want something cathartic to do
Because sitting in bed isn’t cutting it
I’m addicted to the thought of ripping my soul from my body

I miss him

I didn’t realize how many empty moments I have in my day
How often I sought to fill it
And how much harder the nights would be
Without seeing your face when I wanted

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, the most pain, the most shame, the most fear.
I’ve lost any identity that I had built up inside myself and projected outwardly
I know it’s time to rebuild myself, to change it all and to be new
I can’t be what I was, there’s no going back or trying it again.
I never anticipated things being what they are, I never understood the gravity of what I was doing and how little I understood what leaving everything behind meant.

I never thought, that I would hear the bitterness in his voice, aimed at me.
I could picture his face, I know how he looks when he talks about people like that.

His kind eyes evaporated

But it doesn’t change my future, he doesn’t have to be kind to me ever again, that’s his right.
I still have to morph to my new reality, I still have to be something more, with him, or without him.
And not for him.
And not because he is bitter towards me.

For God I guess.
Because it’s all him anyway, it’s nothing that is good in me, it’s only the good in him that can drive me

I just can’t lose it this time…not again

I probably don’t make any sense

It’s going to be a really hard year
Of trying to not blame myself
I’m afraid to take a win
I’m terrified of moving on

But there is nothing else
It’ll all be null and void
If I don’t dust myself off
And stop looking back

Is it really okay for me to have a good day?

Can I make a friend in the midst of this?

Am I worth it?

I played with that ring every day since it was given to me
Since I accepted it

It never felt right

It didn’t make sense that I didn’t keep it glued to my skin
It felt like a lie

I’m not gonna make it

Or I’ll be crushed

Please stop

I’ve only ever wanted a husband to love me, and that’s all.
Baseline singular deepest dream
I’ve had it my whole life.

But what I have is shame, sitting on my back, shoved down my throat, piercing through my heart, freezing me up

I’ve let them all down
Everyone I love
Everyone who loves me
Everyone who loved me

To my mom:
I’m sorry I don’t get out of bed everyday.
I’ve been really sad, I just need some time.
I’m so ashamed I can’t do what you want for me

To my sisters:
You guys are the best, you’ve been my support
I’m ashamed because I’m scared to call you

To my friends:
I want to be there for you, I want to be good to you, I’m scared I’ll fail you
I’m ashamed that I can’t even text back when you’re all so kind to me

To my church:
I want to be a better sister, a better servant, I’m terrified of being a burden
I’m ashamed that I’m scared of you and I’m ashamed of how much I cry when I’m with you

To everyone I met:
I’m sorry I unfollowed you, I’m sorry I hurt him, I’m sorry I disappeared, I’m sorry there’s no good answers, I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to what I tried to be.
I’m so ashamed that I can’t be her, that I’m not there, that I didn’t become your friend and family. That it’s my fault.

To Joann:
I’m so very sorry that I couldn’t be your daughter and that I couldn’t take care of your son.
I’m very ashamed I can’t bring myself to write to you and try to explain or even just apologize.

To you:
I’m ashamed because I think you’ve read the things I wrote. I’m ashamed that I’ve been so depressed and hurting over a lot of things, some concerning you and some of them not. I’m ashamed that it’s me you were with. I’m ashamed that I have hurt you, to any extent. I’m ashamed that I exist being the person I am and I’m ashamed that I was so wrong. I’m ashamed that I know that we can’t, won’t, aren’t capable of talking for a really really long time because I know I can’t handle it.

I am ashamed because I am so locked up and frozen in place because of shame and because all I’ve been able to do is cry.

Does he think about the what if’s
Does he understand how I feel about him
What does he think of me
Does he look at our pictures as much as I do
Does he feed off of any moment of happiness we had
Or does he only think about the final days
And am I only a painful memory
Someone who didn’t hold up when the going got rough
Am I only a tear in his heart

Did he really believe that I tried

Does he know how let down I am by him?

It’s so impossible
How we both felt so right and held so firm
We were so immovable
And if we tried we still would be

There would be no coming together
Because I know I can’t shift, there’s no room
God literally won’t let me, he never lets me
And I don’t think he could or would change his mind
Everything and everyone he grew up knowing
Everything he read and established in his heart

Is it a matter of right or wrong? Maturity? Blindness? Willful blindness? Genuine belief? Or is it me is it me is it me

It’s over

There’s nothing I could have said to change his mind, I tried

There’s nothing I could have done to stay, I tried

I was immature, I was blind, I was willfully blind, I genuinely believed I was in the right

I was wrong

Quietly
I’ve lost all that I thought I had
I know the truth..but..
I think I’m still dealing with the same questions internally that never went away
And I don’t think he’s enough to fulfill me
So fear is all I have and all I am
And it’s never stopped locking me up
And I don’t think it will today

I desperately want to be more
More than the fear
But I’ve never been anything else but that
So I don’t know how
And I have no hope that I can

I am the cage, I am the prisoner

The end

This is all that I am
There’s nothing else there
****

Everything that’s ever happened to me or that I’ve done wasn’t important
It was just something to live through

Everything in me
Is angry at myself
I am totally stalled and frozen and broken
And it’s my fault

No one will ever want me now
Who would want to put up with me
It was a miracle to me to have him
I can’t imagine anything working
Not ever again
Give me something else
Or give me death

How many times will I have to ask of you
To save me from myself
Before you actually grant my request

I can finally be true to myself again
There are things I value so much
Things I really wanted for myself
That I wouldn't have had

There is some relief, some respite
Some amount of joy..
I can breathe some..
I didn't make a bigger mistake

And I know I have you to thank
I was severely clouded
Wrote about it for months
But couldn't see till you showed me

Thank you for the evidence needed
Thank you for the clarity of thought
Thank you for saving me
From myself

Here is what I know to be true
You have been faithful and kind to me
I know you're to be my deepest desire
I know you are good and full of tender mercies
I know if I just turn away that your arms are open and ready for me
I can trust you with everything because everything is yours already

I know any strength I have comes from your spirit within me
I haven't leaned into that
Which is probably why I haven't moved from this bed in two weeks
I'm too small and too afraid to face what this life holds for me
But I know you overcame the world on my behalf

God, I'm just so tired of waiting and trying
I'm tired of hurting other people and hurting myself
I just need you to do something with me, anything please
I'm begging you
Don't leave me here stranded
I know that you haven't

I just don't know what you're doing
Why you made me like this
I just don't feel allowed to want anything or hope for anything
It just becomes a huge risk for anyone involved
I ruin lives including my own
And I feel like you let me

I don't know how to give it all up and leave it behind me
But I feel like that's what you're asking of me
So if it is, please
GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE

26- My golden year

******* what a huge lie
Why is my only dream to be loved why is this all you gave to me?
Why am I more lonely every time
WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY

Why do you never give me what I beg and plead for
You say you give good gifts to your children
How the hell am I supposed to know when you're giving me something and when you're not?
How am I to tell the difference
Why did you let me live in a relationship that was so good, so kind, so loving, and RIP MY HEART OUT because YOU WON'T LET ME HAVE HIM

Why God
Why is this where I am
Nothing in the depths of my soul has changed, I still want the same things, I'm still broken and unable to function
Why does it feel like I keep coming back to the same things over and over and over

I'm suspended in time and space
Stuck in a never ending loop
Nothing changes
Nothing is new
I'm Ranita and I'm ******

I hate me so much why why why why why
****

Gaping holes in my heart
Will you hold what's left
Even on days when you don't want to

Why would I ever think or act like asking is so hard
When in reality the hardest part is not asking
At all

My insides are ripping me to shreds
Starting with my mind ending with my hunger
I so very deeply want more that I can’t stop
I’m not like you Jeff
I may feel just as hopeless but I think because you followed through I can’t follow you

What do I do on the days that I believe I can’t be your girlfriend?
On the days when I want to ask, “Can you dream a little smaller?”
What do I do when I believe I’ll only hold you back from what is good?
All I want is good
How can I ever ask someone to shoot for less
How can I ever dream that it’s okay to be with me
Because
It’s not
So what do I do

What do I do on the day when you confirm all of this
When you see it and agree

I'd write you a cute little note but today most likely isn't that day.
I feel smaller than a grain of grass that I pick at while we talk on the phone.
My heart is like an eggshell, squeeze because you love me and I may even crack from that.
I'm lonelier than I thought and I know not even a commitment would "fix" it.
(not saying it wouldn't help)
My mind isn't sharp, it's clouded with the many toxic thoughts it has moment by moment.
There are no breaks
There are no bonuses
Do not pass go
Do not collect 200 dollars.

Hi I'm going crazy here
My heart feels and feels and for the ever living ****-
ing feels like it never ends
I've been continually coming back to the same place
YEAR after YEA-
Rear ended by my hopelessness catching up with me
I wish this wasn't the narrative of my soul
My internal mindscape screaming at me to SHUT THE HE-
Help me here, Lord, please
You know it all, you made me this way
Return O my soul to your rest for the Lord has dealt bountifully with yo-
You're a mess he won't hear you you're all alone in this
Yikes me, do us a favor and be still my soul

I want to rip my soul out my chest
Or at least my throat through my neck
Maybe if I **** my voice
I’ll stop feeling like I could control
I want to **** off all my dreams
Or at least watch my blood seep through my skin
Maybe if I could just pay my dues
I wouldn’t feel like a worthless *****

Save me, save me from myself
Before I hurt more than me
Before he leaves

What do I do when I believe I’m too broken for your world

You are so good to me
You handle all my ebbs and flows
Vibes and lows

All I hear
Is, “It’s okay”
“Hey”

I’m so happy
I’m so scared
You are the best thing
That has ever happened
To me
How do I manage keeping you

Bruh, you're hella cute
I'm super into you
Did you know that?
Hope you're ready for this trainwreck
Because shoot boy,
I'm hoping I don't destroy you
I'm just waiting for the day
When I do phase you

How many jumbled thoughts does one gal have in a day?
Whew buddy, lemme tell ya
I got the mistakes of yesterday
The joys of today
The new mercies in the morning
The repetitive repentance
Giggly laughing smiles remembering something he said
And the serious undertones of fear that I could lose him
Active motions towards trust
And mindless failures where I don’t
I swing like a pendulum every moment
Not really changing my mind
But feeling two ways about one thing
I can go from tsunami to serenity in a heartbeat
Anxiety coursing through my body
(like the coffee I drank this morning)
Meanwhile praising God for silly things I know he did
What even am I
Shut me off
Wake me up
Let me rest
Let me run
Let me
Me
Hey Hi Hello I'm Ranita
Welcome back to my youtube channel

Somehow I'm not surprised
He takes it all in stride
Finding safety, I turn to
His patience; a virtue
Enveloped in a feeling of grace
Holding back, giving me space
Waiting - saying it's no harm
Comfortable enough
Almost sleeping on his arm
-Or on the phone-
"Hey cutie"
Why does he say that
Making me melt
At the drop of a hat

I forgot that it's okay
He already knows anyway
That I'm a human; a mess
And so is he
Like a Charlie Brown
Christmas tree

I wish I didn't take everything so seriously
Maybe it's a good thing?
But it feels like hell

What is it like to fully and truly relax?
To let go of the fear
Would it feel like water?

People have told me my whole life
They want me to feel free
All I want is what is good

Is it considered good to feel free
If it risks someone elses heart
And my own?

Am I the phoenix or the crow?

I wish I didn't take everything so seriously
Maybe it's a good thing?
But it feels like hell

What is it like to fully and truly relax?
To let go of the fear
Would it feel like water?

People have told me my whole life
They want me to feel free
All I want is what is good

Is it considered good to feel free
If it risks someone else’s heart
And my own?

Am I the phoenix or the crow?

I'm scared
I'll rush myself
I'm happy
You enjoy yourself
I'm terrified
I'll ruin us
You're laughing
When I cuss
So embarassed
I'll hide my face
We're refreshed
It's a decent pace

You showed up out of nowhere
I hope I don't hope too much
My heart a fragile vase
Your patience the flowers

I'll wait on the sidelines
Watching you shoot- score!
Points for your side
Honestly, you're winning

My fight or flight responds
But why would I run from you
Your heart tender and sweet
All you do is draw me in

Whatever this is
Whoever you are
To me, this feels like grace
It's scary
But when
Am I ever
Not scared
And when
Will
Hypotheticals
Become
Reality

I’m scared I like you too much





Do you like me?

Lord the posture of my heart
It swung, always before your eyes
You know me fully wholly without fault
Never missing a single beat
You see me

Be still
Be strong
Let your heart take courage
Wait for the Lord

Abba, only you can draw me to a place of rest and patience.
I am a mess father
Forgive me
Prone to wander
Lord I feel it

Return o my soul to your rest
The Lord has dealt bountifully with you
Lord guide, lead, pour out your mercy
Douse me with wisdom
Let my lips speak with justice

Jesus my ruler, rescuer, my brother
Thank you, lead me to faithful worship

Spirit, pray when I don’t know how
When I don’t know what to do
When I am faithless
Guide the posture of my heart
Humble me father please. I need it
I need you above all, help me to receive

Help my unbelief
Help me to desire, commit, trust
Thank you for never forsaking your saints

The righteous are ever in your care
You are faithful
When I am faithless

Make my feet as the deer
Establish my steps
As I delight in your way
Uphold my hand lord
Even as I fall
Cause my steps not to slip

Tick tock
Grandfather clock
Swinging in time
With
The beat of my heart
Time flies
When I feel loved
Wishing for
The swinging to stop
To match- oh..
The skips
Of my heart
Tick-...
Ugh
Why won’t it swing?
Waiting for
The hand to bring
The end
Of my madness
Waiting for
My heart
To stop
Beating

I hate him so much
I miss the way he treated me
I miss his friendship and how he made me laugh
I miss him taking care of me in every aspect
I miss the car rides we took listening to amazing music

I think now I understand what this is
What I was to you
I was an ego boost, something soft to touch
Maybe it was my laugh, maybe it was my smile
But I can tell you for sure
It wasn’t my commitment to Christ
That kept you coming back to me
You wanted my attention
Just as much as I wanted yours
But we're both fools here
Our time is wasted on games

I love the Lord
I want him more than I ever wanted you
And honestly, seeing you
For what you are
Helps me to do the right thing
You are a sinner in need of the gospel
Same as me
But I have a responsibility
I am called to be holy

I’m done playing games

Heb 12:1-2 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and run with endurance the race that is set before us. Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfect of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

I am standing firm;
Because of Christ, I will not be moved.
My God is better,
He is greater,
He is satisfying.
Nothing and no one else,
Will ever bring peace.
The way,
The truth,
The life.
No one gets to the Father
Except through him.
Cursed is the man
Who trusts in man?
Heck that's all I've ever done.
Who makes flesh his strength?
Yikes, I trust myself too much.
I am a shrub in the desert.
Lord, make me a tree by water,
Make my feet like the deer.
O God, who can stand the weight
But your Son?
It crushes me wholly.
I cry out to you and only you.
Where else will I turn
And be heard?
I've been caught in a snare
My entire life,
Blind to the resentment,
But dealing with the consequences.
Only you can bring peace.
Hey soul,
Chill out man~
Seek first the kingdom of God
And all these things will be added.
If he gave me his Son,
How will he not also
Graciously give
All things.
Soul, drink up the word.
Body, be a holy, set apart, temple.
Mind, take every thought captive.
All of me,
Live, breathe, enjoy
The gospel.

There is nothing and no one else worthy of worship.

Gal 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me.
And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God,
who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Ps 116:1-7 “I love the Lord, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.
Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live.
The snares of death encompassed me, the pangs of sheol laid hold on me. I suffered distress and anguish.
Then I called on the name of the Lord, "O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!"
Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful.
The Lord preserves the simple, when I was brought low he saved me.
Return O my soul to your rest, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you”

I was doomed from the beginning
Living by my examples
Of misplaced trust and expectations
Leading to massive let down
Time and time again
It’s like I don’t know what happiness is without someone telling me everything’s alright
I can’t even begin to describe what it’s like being my own cage inside of my mind
Codependency is my thorn in my side
May my weakness show the power of Christ

Charmed into bad ideas
By a heart more lost than mine
Intrigued by the idea
That someone can want me that badly
Hey
I know where that leads
Don’t do this for me
You’ll never win like this

And trust me

I’m not worth that effort