I have
No one

I’m left hiding
From everyone

I’m clinging
To the past

With weight
On my back

Is there a point
To my screaming

With no one
To hear

It's been a while
Nothing new..maybe kinder smiles
Added a few bricks

Remembering how people have said they want me to feel free
I can't remember who said it
I still haven't felt it

Please, just..don't perceive me
I'm cowering in my corner of the world
Hiding from every piece of everything and everyone

How many more times do you think it will take
Before I learn
Before he introduces himself

I bruised my hand three times this week
And I don't think that holds any significance for anyone
Except for me.

Hazy reminiscing
We were kissing
Something missing
I can't remember
What it
Feels like

Any

More

It was just a dream
But here's the thing
I'm pretty sure
That I will die
Without a man
Calling me pretty

Late

At night

Am I really trying to see
The best that I can be
Or am I just restless
Waiting for the end of me

Wake me up before I die
What will happen to me if I sleep all my days
Change will never come without your touch
Your fingertips and your sweet embrace
Come to me darling
Let me feather my fingers in your hair

Paint the clouds red
I’ll enjoy the drive
Hair trapped in my glasses
Pretending you’re with me
Tendrils of thought
Escaping my grasp
I fixed my car
The music is blaring
Hold my hand
Nobody cares
Grinning ear to ear
Quietly existing

Why is it
That all feelings
Leave me feeling
Either
Attached
Or
Detached
And none leave me
Free

It's getting really hard to meditate
On what's good and holy
When all the songs I hear
Are filled with lyrics about doubts and fear
Like being down in the dumps
And people pleasers
I need a how to
On being meek and quiet
With a heart that identifies
With what isn't true
I wanna be loud
I want to scream
How else will I get it out of me

I desperately need to scream
Feel myself breathe again
Claw this parasite out of me
Tear what’s left to shreds

I want to say
That I’d give up my soul
Just to be needed
But that isn’t true


Is it

Saying things
Just for the sake of saying things
Writing down sentences I don’t understand
New scars marking up my hands
Femininity down the drain
Tired eyes screaming in the mirror
Boy is this silence loud
Depth is a progression
I keep wanting to float
Aging is a recipe for losing yourself
Attempting to glaze over it
Ideas on a towering pedestal
The spirit rooms away locked up tight
Knowing what is needed
With no power over myself
Put freckles on my face
Just to occupy space and time
To feel different
Cyclical and inevitable
Devoid of satisfaction
Restless

Two months left in 28
Who I am is not who I've been
Pieces of myself pooling at my feet
Drops falling like condensation
Is this what has awaited me?

Reflections I do not recognize
New lines drawn on her soul
Under her eyes
I don't know this girl
Do I want to?

Hello, my sweet.
If I may, please allow me to wax poetic to you.
I don't know your name, I don't know your face. 
What I do know is what awaits you within my little infinity.
I will give my heart, mind, body and soul to you. 
Without condition or retreat. 
I will hold you in the quiet, when your mind races.
I will kiss your eyes when what you have seen has hurt you.
I will do everything in my power to fulfill whatever promise has been empty.
To be present in the gaps
Mold to your form.
My whole will be your all. 
Your eyes are a river washing over me.
Your arms are my hiding place.
Your mind my adventure.
Your soul will be my home, I will settle in and stay 
right 
there
I'll be your bird
Singing my song of joy to you, for you, with you
Please still love me if I sing off-key.
Please kiss me when I am not perfect.
I am going to need you.

Dropping hints
Sickly soul
Burning up
Giving out
Frankly scared
Empty eyes
Shimmering hope
Greedy hands
Freely given
Happy dance

Give me one of those phone calls
Where you’re miles apart
But all you feel is comfort
Enough peace
Enough kind quietness
To fall asleep to his breathing
Soaking in the sound
Of his carbon dioxide
Tingling from the depth of it all
Swimming in it
Give me one of those please

To not be kissed
To not be held
To not be needed
To never be anyone’s everything
I am my own nothing and that’s all

That’s it

The end

Okay

One arm draped over his shoulders
Hair between my fingers
Another hand tugging his shirt lightly
Holding my breath
One hand running through my hair softly
The other pressing on my lower back pulling me closer
My cheek buried into the skin of his neck
My lips on his collarbone
His breath brushing against my ear

Keep me there
Let it last
I’m desperate
Please

If I asked you
In the right place
At the right time

Would you hold me again

I’m in love
With a fictional character
The depth he displays
The undying willingness to love despite flaws
The actions always backing up his desire to bring her happiness
The hidden things he did and the fulfilling of her wishes
It floors me, every time, without fail
I desperately want to be loved that way
And I would cheerfully reciprocate in full

I would do anything for someone to say
That they care what happens to me and that they’ll stay close beside me
I would do anything for someone to say to me
That they’ll love me despite my flaws and that they won’t leave, not ever

I love Cyrano, despite his love of his pride.
I would die happy if I had those precious few minutes of reciprocated love, just once in my life.

Change
Transitioning
Shifting
Metamorphosis
Morphing
Morphing
Mor­ph
Into something..else
To be different..to be better
To be something bigger than myself
It’s at my fingertips
On the tip of my tongue
The top of my priorities
It’s the often unspoken reality of humanity
To have this intense visceral desire
Placed there by God

I’m fully aware of my purpose now
To bring glory to God, to honor him, to love him, wholly and completely
And there’s an intense desire for it
And so many roadblocks
Often built by yours truly

The discouragement is so very real.
The fear is real.
The impossibility of it is real.

So if I cannot bring you glory through my choices in my helpless state
Please do it for me

Because I can’t do it
But I know you can

Being wanted
Desired without knowing it
The depth of emotion in it
I want a Cyrano..a Duckie.
The inner workings
Of a man crumbling to pieces
At the sight of a woman he loves

That’s that **** about which I am talking.

I want to be wanted. Including my flaws.
More than words can say.
I wish I could see it in his eyes.

Kiss his face like Amélie
Need him like Nia
Devote my heart and soul to him
…like Ranita


It never was

And it never will be

Enough

It's never going to happen for me
The brokeness runs too deep
The trauma is way too much to work through
These pieces are the foundations I built myself on
And I've crumbled and I can't rebuild
And I don't want to

Less love in my soul than ever before
I’ll be taking care of myself
From here on out
And God, I don’t want to

I can’t keep killing my soul
There will be none of me left
To love the little I have

Loveless, I’ll live, I guess
What an unhappy existence

Maybe I’ll give up one day

Maybe later

Belief but total disbelief at the same time
Am I still saved or am I too far gone

The sad is big today
Permeating
Think, tangible, and just big
Soaked all the way through
I can feel it in my feet and in my hands
But I haven’t cried
I don’t think I can

Flirting with every woman on the planet
I’m not attracted to you as a person
You’re killing me smalls
There’s nothing in your soul to entice me at all

I wish I was an alchemist
Then maybe I could make myself a silver lining

Or at the very least have a sweet *** intro

“Well adjusted”
“The relationship was unhealthy”
“You were not being entirely fair”
“No”

Episode 2 season 4
But the stranger thing here is that I’m drunk on my floor staring at my closet mirror.
You abandoned me
After I gave you my all
And you don’t give a ****
And I’m dead inside

I keep checking my drunk texts
But apparently even uninhibited me refuses to contact you
Out of fear
And sadness
And shame

My heart isn’t worth anything anymore
I wasn’t enough of a reason
And I’m just a side piece
I’ll settle for anything that makes me feel better
Alive

Is it worth it?

You’ve had the upper hand the whole time
I’m about to backhand your face
Reach out to me for goodness sake
Hands folded, begging for relief

Have I ****** this whole thing up by having feelings?
Are you done with me?
The complete role reversal here is painful
At least I communicated what was happening to you when I ran away
Am I that intimidating?
All I wanted was to be sweet
I miss your arms
I miss your head on my chest
I’m so lost and confused
You made me want that chance with you
You made me so happy
And now I’m at this low that I didn’t anticipate experiencing anytime soon
My heart is so tired of hurting
The quiet nights are eating me alive

Ripping soul from flesh
Throat through my neck
**** my voice and stop dreaming about control
Heart on my sleeve and on my shirt
Holding it in all day but it's a lie
Sleeping when I'm awake
Dreaming of a better time better place more rhymes
Songs stuck in my soul
Hurting me more and more

Who will I be when I wake myself up
Who can I be if anything at all
T-pose for the haters
**** I hate myself
Close my eyes in the wind and breathe

Crumbling like a cookie
Melted like chocolate
Honey dripping from your lips into mine
Biting into me like a crunch bar

You say I’m delicious
Tasty
Decadent

Get the hell over here and kiss me more

I’ve been sleeping for too long
At this point is it worth waking up again?
Bright soul melancholy nature
Baby crow and phoenix
Coexisting or uninhabitable?
Habits that destroy my heart and future peace
I can’t say no
It’s ripping me apart
Experimental or experience?
Appetitive lost the second I enjoy myself
If I try, can I own up to today?
Can I handle the choices I make when I turn myself off?
Or am I truly killing myself?
The second, the second I decide to wake up
I know what’s waiting for me and what it means
And I’m just not enough - too small to face it
What do I do when it’s impossible to please myself?
When I don’t meet my own desires or expectations?
What do I do when they’re so important, I can’t lower them?
I have no genuine purpose aside from waking up and staying
Awake Alive Sober, Somber, Discontent, Trying
I’m so strained and tired and sleeping is so nice…

Slow burn
Softly dying
Six years
Little by little
Chipping away
Degrading sanity
Take advantage of
Unrequited love
I just wish
You didn’t let me do this to you

Has writing become too dark a place for me?
I can’t stop

I just want to go through emotional trauma with someone
And share a lingering, sweet, gentle kiss at the end
Is that too much to ask for

Heart strings snapped
Cut ties
Cut hair
Even if I like it long
Amputate the memories
To keep the parts of me
That were mine to begin with
Two lives enmeshed together
Severed
It’s been a bad breakup
I’m having a breakdown

I…I can no longer remember what you feel like…
I can’t remember your hands..
I can’t remember your arms around me
I can’t remember your lips or your tongue…
And maybe that shouldn’t be as important to me as it is…
But god do I miss you

Get me out of this timeline
The trap I’m in
The back and forth and restlessness
I hate it here and I hate who it makes me into

I care so much about expressing myself
About being seen
Because I’m so desperate for someone to care
And if you aren’t open and honest
Who will?

Being an adult
******* *****

I’m not looking forward to anything anymore

Without you here to remind me
My own heart ruins the you I knew
Does it matter that I can’t establish in my own mind if you were real or not?

You decimated me and I don’t think you even know it

I’m sure you would say I’m thinking too poorly of you
But aren’t you doing the same?
Wasn’t that our shtick when we were fighting?
I keep trying to convince myself that you aren’t so cruel
And that you wouldn’t think so low of me
That somewhere inside of you you would remember how sweet I was
But then I have what I think of you since you left my heart
And it’s not a pretty picture

I don’t know if I would be able to make words come out of my mouth
You have been a rollercoaster from start to finish
Somewhere I had myself convinced you were a breeze
That you were like breathing
You weren’t
I don’t think I blame you for that
You just weren’t it for me, and I wasn’t it for you
We had it wrong babe, I don’t know how, but we had it so wrong

What does it feel like to not be sad?
All I’ve ever done is feel badly for existing.
How do you live in it
What is breathing
What does space even mean
What is freedom and where can I purchase it

I hate the color yellow
I hate the color pink
I hate blue and green together
Is there any piece left that’s me?

My clothes all feel tainted
They all remind me of you
It is so hard to feel myself
Stupid wardrobe I can’t afford to renew

Can I still like essential oils
Are these journals even me?
I don’t even like anything
It’s so hard to feel pretty

My plants are all dying
My family is scared
I can’t carry everyone’s bags
I’ve been losing so much hair

Everything I write is sad
I feel that if he knew he wouldn’t care
I loved him as hard as I could
He is the harshest tear

I was never enough
And it’s only after I can see
Hindsight is 20/20
My love…I was all I was able to be

“How’s the job search going?”
“John caught some lobsters this week.”
“How are you doing? You look tired.”
“Would you like some oranges?”
“That’s great! Sounds like things are going well for you.”
“What are you doing instead? You should just come and hang out.”
“Would you like to come to lunch with me and my family?”

The social pressures
Were so much easier
When he was next to me

Every moment I’m in a group
I’m crying inside
It only reminds me of you
And that you’re not mine anymore

Get it out of yourself
Or you’re going to die
From holding it in
From holding back

I am miserable

I’m not ready for what’s coming