I’m not looking forward to anything anymore

Without you here to remind me
My own heart ruins the you I knew
Does it matter that I can’t establish in my own mind if you were real or not?

You decimated me and I don’t think you even know it

I’m sure you would say I’m thinking too poorly of you
But aren’t you doing the same?
Wasn’t that our shtick when we were fighting?
I keep trying to convince myself that you aren’t so cruel
And that you wouldn’t think so low of me
That somewhere inside of you you would remember how sweet I was
But then I have what I think of you since you left my heart
And it’s not a pretty picture

I don’t know if I would be able to make words come out of my mouth
You have been a rollercoaster from start to finish
Somewhere I had myself convinced you were a breeze
That you were like breathing
You weren’t
I don’t think I blame you for that
You just weren’t it for me, and I wasn’t it for you
We had it wrong babe, I don’t know how, but we had it so wrong

What does it feel like to not be sad?
All I’ve ever done is feel badly for existing.
How do you live in it
What is breathing
What does space even mean
What is freedom and where can I purchase it

I hate the color yellow
I hate the color pink
I hate blue and green together
Is there any piece left that’s me?

My clothes all feel tainted
They all remind me of you
It is so hard to feel myself
Stupid wardrobe I can’t afford to renew

Can I still like essential oils
Are these journals even me?
I don’t even like anything
It’s so hard to feel pretty

My plants are all dying
My family is scared
I can’t carry everyone’s bags
I’ve been losing so much hair

Everything I write is sad
I feel that if he knew he wouldn’t care
I loved him as hard as I could
He is the harshest tear

I was never enough
And it’s only after I can see
Hindsight is 20/20
My love…I was all I was able to be

“How’s the job search going?”
“John caught some lobsters this week.”
“How are you doing? You look tired.”
“Would you like some oranges?”
“That’s great! Sounds like things are going well for you.”
“What are you doing instead? You should just come and hang out.”
“Would you like to come to lunch with me and my family?”

The social pressures
Were so much easier
When he was next to me

Every moment I’m in a group
I’m crying inside
It only reminds me of you
And that you’re not mine anymore