Get it out of yourself
Or you’re going to die
From holding it in
From holding back

I am miserable

I’m not ready for what’s coming

Two sides, one coin
Lightswitch, on again, off again
Surrounded by decisions my own soul cannot face
Desperate to never be alone
So desperate I hate myself for it
Yearning to be okay,
Never okay
Sick to my stomach imagining myself trying to be something
Hoping there’s someone I’m allowed to follow
So little to offer because I’m too broken to love right
Terrified of being too small, while being too small to try to be bigger
I. Cannot. Do. It.

What kind of life can someone like me live?

Why force me to be alone

What are you doing to me

Oh no
This is a…never ending flow
From my heart into words
I think I’m going to die

I know I’m only doing this to myself
Wait is that true?
How much of this
Is what you’ve done to me

I don’t know why I want to blame someone
I’ve tried blaming you
But it’s not fair
You don’t and won’t speak to me

I’ve tried blaming God
But nobody wins at that game
I land on whoever I can take it out on
And it’s always going to be me

I’m alone, afraid, and dead inside
I haven’t been awake for weeks
I just want to see you
Or I want it all to end

I’m not worth loving anymore
I’m an empty shell
Sick in the head
Gone

I still love you
But I don’t think I really knew you
Can my heart stop this please

In the quiet moments
When I’m alone
And I’m hurting
Wanting comfort
Only your name
Your name
Is what my mind says to me
I hear it
And it hurts even more

Is the pain manageable for you?
I’ve ignored it the last few weeks.
I don’t want to remember your name.
Don’t worry, it’s been hell for me.
I’m sure that’s fine with you…

It’s so dangerous
I’m having to check my thoughts more often now

But I’m really hurt by you
For how totally terrified you are of people abandoning you
You abandoned me so quickly

And I gave it all that I had, as much as I could, till it tore me up inside
And if you can’t see that, if you can’t understand what that did to me, what I did for you

Then was it ever unconditional?

Conditional kindness is just…worthless

I did everything I could to stay, to be what you wanted, and you couldn’t even defend me, be in it with me

You abandoned me from the beginning

I was alone and I didn’t even know it

It never mattered, what I did, who I was, how much I wanted to fit
I couldn’t and you blame me for it

You made me feel like **** and it’s never going to not hurt