It’s really easy to romanticize the small memories
Reminiscing
Imagining that they were so sweet
But looking at the messages, the voicemails, the myriad of pictures and videos

There’s the taste of something missing

I watch myself and I see it

Maybe it does all make sense

I was only privy to his kindness while he believed I could fit into the mold.
Once I revealed I couldn’t fit, his kindness left with that dream.
It evaporated in front of me and I watched him shift completely.

Grace that he claimed was there for me at any time.
Grace that I’m too terrified to take for myself.
Grace that would make being me a little easier.
Where is it, what is it, how do I just exist in it?

God, you don’t make any sense
Because it doesn’t make any sense
Because my inner self doesn’t make sense
But grace is so absent in my life
That I’m absolutely ravenous for any sign of someone being kind to me.

Any fleeting moment where it feels okay

Any small taste of being allowed to exist

All I want when I feel like this
Is for him to look at me like that again
So I can fall asleep on his chest
At ease that it’s not all my fault

And it freaking *****
I want something cathartic to do
Because sitting in bed isn’t cutting it
I’m addicted to the thought of ripping my soul from my body

I miss him

I didn’t realize how many empty moments I have in my day
How often I sought to fill it
And how much harder the nights would be
Without seeing your face when I wanted

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, the most pain, the most shame, the most fear.
I’ve lost any identity that I had built up inside myself and projected outwardly
I know it’s time to rebuild myself, to change it all and to be new
I can’t be what I was, there’s no going back or trying it again.
I never anticipated things being what they are, I never understood the gravity of what I was doing and how little I understood what leaving everything behind meant.

I never thought, that I would hear the bitterness in his voice, aimed at me.
I could picture his face, I know how he looks when he talks about people like that.

His kind eyes evaporated

But it doesn’t change my future, he doesn’t have to be kind to me ever again, that’s his right.
I still have to morph to my new reality, I still have to be something more, with him, or without him.
And not for him.
And not because he is bitter towards me.

For God I guess.
Because it’s all him anyway, it’s nothing that is good in me, it’s only the good in him that can drive me

I just can’t lose it this time…not again

I probably don’t make any sense

It’s going to be a really hard year
Of trying to not blame myself
I’m afraid to take a win
I’m terrified of moving on

But there is nothing else
It’ll all be null and void
If I don’t dust myself off
And stop looking back

Is it really okay for me to have a good day?

Can I make a friend in the midst of this?

Am I worth it?

I played with that ring every day since it was given to me
Since I accepted it

It never felt right

It didn’t make sense that I didn’t keep it glued to my skin
It felt like a lie