I’m not gonna make it

Or I’ll be crushed

Please stop

I’ve only ever wanted a husband to love me, and that’s all.
Baseline singular deepest dream
I’ve had it my whole life.

But what I have is shame, sitting on my back, shoved down my throat, piercing through my heart, freezing me up

I’ve let them all down
Everyone I love
Everyone who loves me
Everyone who loved me

To my mom:
I’m sorry I don’t get out of bed everyday.
I’ve been really sad, I just need some time.
I’m so ashamed I can’t do what you want for me

To my sisters:
You guys are the best, you’ve been my support
I’m ashamed because I’m scared to call you

To my friends:
I want to be there for you, I want to be good to you, I’m scared I’ll fail you
I’m ashamed that I can’t even text back when you’re all so kind to me

To my church:
I want to be a better sister, a better servant, I’m terrified of being a burden
I’m ashamed that I’m scared of you and I’m ashamed of how much I cry when I’m with you

To everyone I met:
I’m sorry I unfollowed you, I’m sorry I hurt him, I’m sorry I disappeared, I’m sorry there’s no good answers, I’m sorry I couldn’t live up to what I tried to be.
I’m so ashamed that I can’t be her, that I’m not there, that I didn’t become your friend and family. That it’s my fault.

To Joann:
I’m so very sorry that I couldn’t be your daughter and that I couldn’t take care of your son.
I’m very ashamed I can’t bring myself to write to you and try to explain or even just apologize.

To you:
I’m ashamed because I think you’ve read the things I wrote. I’m ashamed that I’ve been so depressed and hurting over a lot of things, some concerning you and some of them not. I’m ashamed that it’s me you were with. I’m ashamed that I have hurt you, to any extent. I’m ashamed that I exist being the person I am and I’m ashamed that I was so wrong. I’m ashamed that I know that we can’t, won’t, aren’t capable of talking for a really really long time because I know I can’t handle it.

I am ashamed because I am so locked up and frozen in place because of shame and because all I’ve been able to do is cry.

Does he think about the what if’s
Does he understand how I feel about him
What does he think of me
Does he look at our pictures as much as I do
Does he feed off of any moment of happiness we had
Or does he only think about the final days
And am I only a painful memory
Someone who didn’t hold up when the going got rough
Am I only a tear in his heart

Did he really believe that I tried

Does he know how let down I am by him?

It’s so impossible
How we both felt so right and held so firm
We were so immovable
And if we tried we still would be

There would be no coming together
Because I know I can’t shift, there’s no room
God literally won’t let me, he never lets me
And I don’t think he could or would change his mind
Everything and everyone he grew up knowing
Everything he read and established in his heart

Is it a matter of right or wrong? Maturity? Blindness? Willful blindness? Genuine belief? Or is it me is it me is it me

It’s over

There’s nothing I could have said to change his mind, I tried

There’s nothing I could have done to stay, I tried

I was immature, I was blind, I was willfully blind, I genuinely believed I was in the right

I was wrong

Quietly
I’ve lost all that I thought I had
I know the truth..but..
I think I’m still dealing with the same questions internally that never went away
And I don’t think he’s enough to fulfill me
So fear is all I have and all I am
And it’s never stopped locking me up
And I don’t think it will today

I desperately want to be more
More than the fear
But I’ve never been anything else but that
So I don’t know how
And I have no hope that I can

I am the cage, I am the prisoner

The end

This is all that I am
There’s nothing else there
****

Everything that’s ever happened to me or that I’ve done wasn’t important
It was just something to live through