Everything in me
Is angry at myself
I am totally stalled and frozen and broken
And it’s my fault

No one will ever want me now
Who would want to put up with me
It was a miracle to me to have him
I can’t imagine anything working
Not ever again
Give me something else
Or give me death

How many times will I have to ask of you
To save me from myself
Before you actually grant my request

I can finally be true to myself again
There are things I value so much
Things I really wanted for myself
That I wouldn't have had

There is some relief, some respite
Some amount of joy..
I can breathe some..
I didn't make a bigger mistake

And I know I have you to thank
I was severely clouded
Wrote about it for months
But couldn't see till you showed me

Thank you for the evidence needed
Thank you for the clarity of thought
Thank you for saving me
From myself

Here is what I know to be true
You have been faithful and kind to me
I know you're to be my deepest desire
I know you are good and full of tender mercies
I know if I just turn away that your arms are open and ready for me
I can trust you with everything because everything is yours already

I know any strength I have comes from your spirit within me
I haven't leaned into that
Which is probably why I haven't moved from this bed in two weeks
I'm too small and too afraid to face what this life holds for me
But I know you overcame the world on my behalf

God, I'm just so tired of waiting and trying
I'm tired of hurting other people and hurting myself
I just need you to do something with me, anything please
I'm begging you
Don't leave me here stranded
I know that you haven't

I just don't know what you're doing
Why you made me like this
I just don't feel allowed to want anything or hope for anything
It just becomes a huge risk for anyone involved
I ruin lives including my own
And I feel like you let me

I don't know how to give it all up and leave it behind me
But I feel like that's what you're asking of me
So if it is, please
GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE

26- My golden year

******* what a huge lie
Why is my only dream to be loved why is this all you gave to me?
Why am I more lonely every time
WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY

Why do you never give me what I beg and plead for
You say you give good gifts to your children
How the hell am I supposed to know when you're giving me something and when you're not?
How am I to tell the difference
Why did you let me live in a relationship that was so good, so kind, so loving, and RIP MY HEART OUT because YOU WON'T LET ME HAVE HIM

Why God
Why is this where I am
Nothing in the depths of my soul has changed, I still want the same things, I'm still broken and unable to function
Why does it feel like I keep coming back to the same things over and over and over

I'm suspended in time and space
Stuck in a never ending loop
Nothing changes
Nothing is new
I'm Ranita and I'm ******

I hate me so much why why why why why
****