Am I morphing or am I pretending?

I have no friends and no patience to make it happen when there is no progress so far. Plus what’s the use if they ditch me from lack of caring about me.

If this doesn’t work, I’ll be as hopeless as Jeff. With no options left but to live with myself the way I am for the rest of my life.

I am. Crazy. And there is no end. It lasts forever. Trapped in my internal mindscape.

If you loved me like you said you do, then why do you make me do all of the work you lazy *** ****. You don’t love me. You’re saying whatever you can to get what you want. I just wish it hadn’t worked. And ******* for telling me to shut up. You put me in this position.

Everything that has ever happened to me is my fault.

Dad, I love you but if you don’t stop talking to me like I’m 16 I’m going to burst into flames from how infuriated I am. I’ve asked you so many times now to take me seriously. Ps. Saying I love you in such cheap ways doesn’t make me feel loved. You’re saying it like it’s your job and not like it’s real. I’d honestly rather you left me alone.

If I am, I’ll do it, and I will never tell anyone ever. I would live with it alone. I would hide it for the rest of my life.

It’s as if misery is a drug to me.
It’s like I need it to exist.
One outlet leaves me,
And I fill it with another.
Anything to keep me in this state.

I'm learning to move on
past myself in my idiocy.
I'm learning to let go
of all I once loved.
I truly want to see who I really am,
but in the mirror there is no one staring back at me.
The emptiness, it drives me to fill it,
keeps me moving, breathing, thinking, believing.
There must be purpose for my soul
"There must be one to love me"
Maybe that's what it's been,
maybe its been me.
Must I learn to love myself how I am?
Empty, intelligent, depressed, blessed, terrified, self-aware.
Realizing that there is no one to prove myself to,
but me.
Maybe this, maybe this is my field of wildflowers.

Everyone grows up at some point.
Every journey is different.
Mine was discovering the difference between living black and white
and living grey.
I used to believe everything had a clear answer, a straightforward method of communicating
but in reality, it’s not so transparent.
In my desire for simplicity I created a much more complicated world.
Now I desire to accept life in its complexities so I can move forward with no pressure to know the answers.
To be at peace with everyone..
To be at peace with myself,
by saying hey,
maybe I dont know,
but maybe thats okay.

I’m floating
Drifting
Losing my way
Again
Help

Heal my faithlessness
O God, my rock and my salvation
Keep my heart tethered to your word
Stay my mind on thoughts of you

Your mercies are new every morning.
Your spirit drawing me toward you always.
It’s always new. Changing my heart.
Sanctification is a process.
It is such a joy to have your glorious grace transform me.
I know who I truly am, I truly do have a chance.
And it’s all for the benefit of the gospel.
So yes, everything is new.

Whatever has happened this year
It doesn’t feel different
I time travelled to 2014
My heart is the same