Father, please, rescue me
My heart cries out for respite
I’m so tired, so lonely
So empty
So tempted and weak
I don’t know what’s coming next
But I am at my lowest
I can barely stand
Abba, loving father,
Please save me
From myself
You’re the only one who can

Sin.
I will not be rid of it till I reach eternity.
The flesh sickens me,
But I cling to it, in hopes that it will satisfy.
Truth isn't fleeting,
It's a rock to hold on to.
So to be sober-minded...
It's not that easy.
One split second of my weakness,
My heart crumbles to the ground.
I feel as if I must build and build,
But I tear down every brick.

“What’d I do
To deserve this
Now
How did this happen?”

When did I drop
From the ecstasy of heaven
To the pits of hell
I fought so hard
You know that right?
I made my heart ice
I caged myself to stay safe
And I caved
Because I hated it
Being alone
Look where I am
It’s no field of wildflowers
It’s all a ruin
Of my own making
Me
I did this
Me
Little insignificant
Me
I wanted so much more
I sought it out
And I destroyed myself
And everyone I love too
The cage was better
So much better
So safe

My heart was tethered to the idea
Of following my brother's footsteps
Learning about his life
By experiencing what he did

The Lord made it painfully clear
I was to go to Brazil
I wanted to go to Brazil
I wanted to serve

My brother had a heart for the lost
He had a heart for the broken
He wanted to do everything he could
To care for others

He was the most selfless person I knew
And I am the most selfish
Fearful of myself
Fearful of extending

So..why am I not in Brazil right now?

Because my father said not yet
Because my heart said not yet
Because my circumstances said not yet
Because God said not yet

And every single solitary day that goes by
It's made more and more evident
So outrageously and abundantly clear
Why not yet

Throughout my life
I've been able to get over people
To get over things
But I can't get over myself

Who am I
To be in the way of the Lord's plan
But who am I
That he would use me

The darkness has made its home
In all of the innermost crevasses of my heart
And I know so resolutely
That I cannot serve like this

I've made the changes before
But it feels so different this time
Like there's superglue
Keeping these ***** clothes on me

I think I've conditioned myself
To believe that I will never change again
And I can't tell you how terrifying it is
To be the cage and the prisoner

When I sit down to write
500285 thoughts roll through my head
The decision of what topic to write on
Is the most difficult to make
I find myself downsizing on each "poem"
Trying to get to the core of what I'm trying to say
But I find that I miss saying other things I want to say
So
A series
Called Specifics
I want to describe more things in greater detail
So as to get the emotions out as clean as possible
Thank you for your time

Why is it that I feel this way?
Daydreaming isn't enough now.
I want to purge myself of this,
But I can't determine if it's possible.
My beliefs are what keep me fighting,
But whatever happened to my dreams?
I find myself afraid of me,
Who can help this weary soul?
I desire to escape this hell.
So fight I shall, to whatever end.
I'll rest my eyes for now,
Just to shut them from the blur.
Don't worry, I haven't lost hope,
I just want to sleep is all.

It's on nights like these that I remember every romantic gesture from people I loved
The smallest of things
The shortest of looks
The sweetest of kisses
It's on nights like these that I realize
How much it haunts me in the deep recesses of my mind
And in the deepest reaches of my heart
I can't take it back
But oh God, I wish I could