I really really love people I don’t know
When I feel tired and confused,
The feeling of love grows

I'm a ****** now and
Imma be one for a long time
If somebody wants my ***,
They'll need to stay online

And visit my website
And check out my mind-state
This is a deterrent,
But I will certainly wait

Because I'm vulnerable
And eye contact shatters me
So if someone ***** and dumps me,
I'd be overreacting

Laughing now, I used to hope
I'd match those numbers.
I wonder, can I try to
Match those hundreds

Of thousands of people
Who act so promiscuous
Because deep down,
They just want to be kissed?

Needless to say,
I'm unable to react as such
I can't get away
From my double-edged self love

If I compromise it,
Then I'll compromise my principles
And now I'm on the other edge
Where I'm loving self like an imbecile

My tastes are uncommon
And my shape is unnatural.
I'm the main sculptor,
But every looks down

On my work, they don't
Understand the meaning.
I'm just a low-brow joke
And underneath, I'm just seething

And hoping my life
Might someday have more meaning
To all of these other people
Who get off on watching tv

More than they do watching me
Make a fool of myself daily,
Maybe, I'll be a ******
Till I'm at the age of eighty

And then I'd say ok,
Time to hit vegas
Time to try this thing out,
Time to betray this

Classical morality
That makes my life better,
Not in terms of practicality,
But at least it makes my head work

There's a big network
Of rules I try to live by,
But they've made me miserable,
But I'll continue with them lest I

Become too far gone,
Too ***** to manage,
And then, I'll behave like
I was brought up managed.

But today, I've lost my mind
And I'm picking up the pieces.
Am I doing this to change them
Or are they all that's left to be with?

Can’t see
Not clear
Music and thoughts,
I can’t hear

For example, I’m lost
And full of fear.
I’m unsure of the plan
Yet it is so near

The vortex twirls me
Around with ideas
All the while,
Possessing the key of

The “right thing”
It’s hard to find
Because I’m stuck
Spinning in time

Thoughts cycling
The endless grind
Of finding what I want
And making it mine

Neither task
Is simple, sometimes
So I spin with the vortex
And we just say that it’s fine

A lot of planes took off

There's no place where I can be
There's no voice I can ever see
There's only a voice I can hear
There's only conditioning with fear

If I took a small amount
Of ideas that hardly ever count
And put them down for the world to see
Would my exterior cease to be?

What is it called if one cares
To love themselves beyond repair
Beyond the point of going back
Beyond being free from attack

Freedom comes from being the same
Being in groups, being not tame,
But just enough to hold your tongue.
And it will be held after you're young

And there will be some safety too
Beyond the red, into the blue
Into the group, out of the pod
Into the collection that's not pretty odd

But it is pretty! But it is nice
To not have to ask, or be told twice
And here's what lies beyond the line
There are no lies, there is only fine

There are some places you can go
To see stars or to see art shows
But how many will you miss?
What's the price of lengthy lists?

Is there no beauty in the one?
Are the stars attractive, not the sun?
It's not right, for you will know
The sun's a star, but only up close

Beauty can be found in large collections
And only some will win affections
Of those who come to pass them by
And yeah, they will, on tones so high

I'd only trust my heart to love
Perceived matter or fleeting doves
But knowing there is so much more
Is knowing only what's in store

There are many reasons to believe
Hot spots of love have been achieved
Blankets of stars spread across the earth
Friendship and love, death and birth

And like the stars spread out to dine
There is but one that really shines
This is the one your field permits
This is a simple verb: exist

And when you accept this tragic fact
That light's around, and further black
Will encompass your distant sights
Will be so wrong, and here so right

Take chance, they say, stray from the sun
And go along, become a one!
The two align, and now we see
Distance is pain, distance is free

Emotions are blind, numbness is raw
People are left, people are called
People are loved, people are hated
Don't let them become sedated

And only one crashed

I'm sorry family that I ran away from home,
Came to college, got stressed, and didn't make it my own.
I want to be successful, it'd be great to feel accomplished.
But I'm always disappointed and running out of options.

I want to sit in a quiet room and study for hours.
But my emotions storm around and deplete my cognitive power.
If I had some hormone pills, if i had a magic wand,
I could make my heart stop and make my mind be strong.

But I don't, and it's not, and I can't, and I won't,
And I love myself too much to hate my emotional storm,
But I disappoint myself whenever I take a test
And I can't think clearly and I make a huge mess.

It's sometimes hard to choose whether I should try to relax
In my isolated state with video games and rap tracks,
Or if I should submerge myself in my studies and eventually,
Let myself down once again and be isolated and empty.

Therein lies the rub, for when I'm just isolated
Coping with my emotions that are never evaded,
I look inside myself and see that there's love,
And I feel whole and at once. I feel control over one

Aspect of my life. They say control matters.
But when I perform my exams and achieve grades below average,
And it's all because I can't stop my emotions from turning,
Is this the hard work it takes? Is this the fire that's burning?

When I fail time after time, tumbling through emotional wreckage
Just to know these ideas on this study guide checklist,
Just to sit for an exam and forget what I processed
Did I fail this exam? Is this all a big test?

Is college meant to make me feel like I shouldn't be here at all
Until 10 years later when I'm a grown up adult,
And I don't have as many hormones affecting my motivation?
Or is this conditioning me to reach a new elevation

In my mind where I choose facts and logic over what I feel?
Study for tests, get good grades, and forget what's real.
When I sit down for a test, it doesn't matter what's happening
In my mind or my heart. It matters what's lacking.

"Do you lack the emotions that would make you burn out?
Well good! Study hard, graduate, get out.
Are you emotions making you feel like you're out of control?
Sit down. Let's talk about reaching your goals.

Life's all about balance. Study some each day,
Take time to relax too. Bad thoughts then go away.
Then wake up and study more, or if you had a bad dream,
Try to calm down. Study once you can see

More clearly. Yeah, just mix things up,
Focus on your classes. Focus on your love.
Don't fall behind too much or you might not pass.
Be happy, responsible, and smart; that's all I really ask."

That was a polite request that I'd be glad to consider,
If it wasn't for the fact that my mind is a twister
And running around trying to escape feels futile
And I run for miles and it feels so wild.

That's just a metaphor, but I want to be happy.
It's at the top of my priorities and I can't change that, see.
So once I'm ready to work hard, I'll let you know.
Please let me go. Please let me go.

I ran away from my home when I came to college,
And independence is great, I love gaining knowledge!
I love all the people! I love this new place
I love having my own space to let my thoughts erase.

That comes up a lot; chasing my feelings with an eraser,
To clear up my mind so I can earn the favor
Of all of my potential friends and all of my professors,
The difference is I always have class, but so many people left me here

To do all of this alone, I don't suffer for no reason,
The only things that I want are out of my grasp every season
And if I could want to do well and not want social tidings,
You wouldn't have to hear all of this stupid whining.

I'm not socially successful. I'm not a winner.
I can't live with that, I can't stretch myself thinner.
Until further notice, my emotions are wild
And my attempts to add more priorities to the mix are mild.

That includes grades. That includes calling you!
When I come home I'll try to love and be true to you.
When I'm at school, I'm out of balance and seeking patience
And it's harder in isolation and I can't even wait then.

I can't wait for life to come to me, gotta grab it.
I can't write poems and complain and not work, gotta stop it.
I'm sorry that I'm confused, I'm sorry I'm so lazy,
I'm sorry if this poem makes you think I'm going crazy,

Because I'm not. I love myself and that's it.
I'd like some connections in life and working is not it.
It's love, it's connection, it's people, it's music.
I'm not sure if i can do this.

I'm sorry family if that's hard to hear.
I'd say it's ok, but the past two years
Haven't stopped increasing in how much I'm being challenged
So I might not have the right allowance.

Of patience and energy to really get by.
I really wish I could cry more.
But I can't when I'm alone.
I'm not giving up.

I love you guys.

Look how they fight
Look how they search
Look how they bite
Look how they work

See how they’re just
See how they’re bold
See how they lust
See how they’re told

Always, what to do
Always what to think
Always what to love
Always what to drink.

Cry for their pain
Cry for their resistance
Cry for their strain
Cry when they listen

To all of the prophets
Who, while self-elected,
Have totally lost it
And ought to be rejected.

Forgive their mistakes
Forgive their desires
Forgive their brisk fates
Forgive their bright fires

Love them with pride
Love them with understanding
Love with no guide
Love with no planning

See how they cower
See how they soar
Hour by hour,
They always want more

Look how they fly
Look how they run
Look how they try
Look at everyone

After many lost and half-won battles,
I never thought it would come to this.
I know your bliss and know your burdens,
Do not put me on your list!

I'm not giving up, I'm rearranging.
Towards you, I'd never be remiss.
I love you so much, I let you go,
And off I will ride, blowing a kiss!

I've fought so hard to climb your rankings,
I've cried many tears and slammed my fists.
When you run away, I will be thanking
That you gathered enough sense to abandon ship!

I love people who've moved me down
Or even crossed me off completely.
If I don't provide you with any fulfillment,
Why on earth would you not delete me?

Where you're on my list is a secret,
Do not take that into account.
Consider only how you're treated
And let your list battle it out!

I never want to outrank you,
Your academics, or your friends.
And if you're lustful, as I imagine,
I could never quite outrank ***!

Sometimes for you, they come in twos,
A two for one deal, so to speak.
You identify a perfect specimen,
Disclaimer; it is not me.

Anyway, this beautiful human,
Might have some *** appeal and more!
I realize you'll see them as having everything,
And rework your list in an attempt to score

I've seen such changes, such drastic switches,
When physical connection's on the line!
You cling to dreams, you make many wishes,
But this? Oh, well, never mind.

Regardless, don't make your list shared,
Like a group project google doc.
Only you can make the edits!
And make edits, don't ever stop!

Follow your ambitions, do what you want,
Travel, love, sing, and dance!
Study hard, go to the gym,
And give your wildest dreams a chance!

I was once a list climber,
I'd walk right up and say add me!
I'd walk right up and say higher!
I'd walk right up, but now I'm free!

Your list is on you! Take responsibility!
Don't let any list climbers climb!
Move them around like little cherries,
But don't you think of touching mine!

Some list cherries will be quite ripe,
And some rare ones stay ripe forever,
Some are rotten through the spine,
But they might hide it to be clever!

The scariest of all the cherries
Are those who look good, but contain
Poinsonous juices and false fairies,
To choose to be one is insane!

But rotten cherries need not worry,
For these cherrries can learn self control.
Once they realize their toxic nature,
They can completely reverse their goal!

Move up a list? They instead attempt
To hide away and be avoided.
I, my friend, am one of those cherries!
Do not drink my poison!

It's said that there are some brave souls,
Who would sip poison every day
Just to get closer with these cherries
And immunize themselves day by day!

And then, once their immunity stabilizes,
They'd move these cherries up the list!
This challenge is not to be taken lightly,
And it goes awry whenever it is!
Trust me, for some have drank my poison,
And they never want to see me again!

Be patient Nick, my therapists say,
Brave souls will wow you off your feet,
They'll drink your poison easily
And ask you when you're free to eat!

It's not easy to let me fool you,
It's not easy to try to not hide,
But don't be worried! I won't trick you!
I'll just show you what's inside.

And add me to your list? You'll know,
This would clearly be a gainless act
I love to love you so much and want what's best,
Thank goodness for my caring tact!

I can't believe I was a climber!
I'm so sorry world, never again!
And this poem is just a reminder
About how your wishes to list me should end.

The pity add is quite common,
Let climbers climb, they'll never know
That their addition to the list is false!
You take these climbers and their hopes

And raise them up and slam them down
Once they get too close to you!
How do I know this viscious pattern?
I have been pity added too!

Desperate times, desperate measures,
You hope to placate a climber's drive,
You think your attention is their treasure,
And will them to plainly survive!

It's a long way up and a long way down
When you are upon someone's list.
When you think upon your items,
Think long and use a steady wrist!

After many lost and half-won battles,
I never thought it would come to this.
I know your bliss and know your burdens,
Do not put me on your list!