After all of my stressing,
It's really quite simple.
All of my time guessing,
And I know what I'm in for.

There are two circles
on one plane,
And where they intersect
Is for what I pray

In circle one are many souls
For whom I feel bad, for their pain I know.
I label them as people whose goals
Do not match mine, and so it goes.

They want from me what I do offer,
But not to them, for it is such
That qualities that fulfill my needs
Are lost in them; they're not enough.

It's so abrupt, I write them off!
And for this, I feel sort of bad.
However, I've been treated as such
By many people, it makes me sad.

But I don't hate! I'm not furious,
I forget people and they forget me.
There is one other circle, curious
How it is not one or three, but two!

Yes, it's two, and it's much smaller
Not in size, but in perspective.
I see people in circle one often,
But circle two people evade my presence!

Very often, they don't like me.
Very often, I'm treated with disdain.
I feel like they can set me free,
But they often cause me so much pain!

I see in them what I really want,
Their presence enlightens my life.
I often face them, fully front,
And their response causes me strife.

Oftentimes, they remain there,
Because to do so, they reject.
However, on special occasions,
One person meets the intersect!

There are people who like me,
And miraculously, I like them back!
It's really quiere a wonderful thing,
Two souls on an equal path.

Far and few between you are,
People who meet me in the center,
If you are in circle two,
The intersect, feel free to enter!

In return, I always try
To move people from one to mid,
I give chances and hope I change,
But I know what my feeling is.

Try and try to center folks,
I will keep going and not give up!
I'll keep manipulating variables,
And someday, there will be enough.

Laps around the track
Snap me back into reality
Will I wear a snapback
Or a button down t?

Will my poems turn to raps
Or is this just adolescent crap?
Is 20 adolescent
Or is that a dumb question.

If I'm an adult,
When will I start to grow up?
Do I start to grow numb
And confuse that for love?

And then when I die
And I'm having a big flashback
Then I'll remember that lie
And think ****, I almost had it.

I'm right on the edge,
Should I go ahead and do it?
My life's planned out, now,
Is it time to lose it?

Van to Los Angles
Twenty dollar fallback.
Abandoned the scholarship
Waiting for a callback

Record companies,
Tv show producers.
Do I have talent?
I can't see myself through her.

I've lost sight of my ways,
Distractions torture me daily
So I go find more distractions
To make the bad ones go away,

All the times I ****** up,
Like when I needed people so badly
That I drove them all away
So I could twist more, madly.

Tweaking, walking around
All alone at night.
The moonlight shows the way
To nowhere, so I'm running.

I'm going nowhere,
And I'm trying to go fast.
It's not about the destination,
I'm just escaping my past.

But I can dream, and
When all those dreams turn to nightmares
I wake up numb and think
About what's right there.

Blessings, I can walk
And by myself, use the toilet.
I've got so much to be grateful for,
You'd think that I'd enjoy it,

But it's really hard when
My mind gets off track daily
The grass is so green
In the lives of all those ladies

And gentlemen who have fun
On my snapchat stories.
What's different about me?
I'm so ******* boring.

Forget them, cool off,
Take some more laps.
If I find somewhere I'm welcome,
Then I'll stop writing these raps.

I'm tired of the same thing
Over and over again,
But as long as I'm inspired,
This flow won't end.

My skin reflects my insides
Because it is not quite perfect.
I've attempted cosmetic solutions,
But is it really worth it?

Would clearer skin help me
Sell myself and make me a better man?
Or are is my red acne
Just part of who I am?

The redness is a stop sign
That alerts to not come closer,
If you try to stick around,
You'll experience no hurt,

But you'll get bored and
I'll be confused about why you stayed,
So just stop, look, listen,
And go away.

My stop sign says stop and stare
And glance on over here,
My imperfections will satisfying
Stimulate your fear,

You'll think "what if I looked like that!
I need to take a shower,
Take some soap and wash my
Skin every third hour."

The stop sign is a warning
Of what happens when you're careless
If you don't give a ****,
Then you'll be really embarrassed

You'll be ugly just like me
And then you'll stop and wonder why
People speak, and acknowledge
But don't look in your eye.

People acknowledge
But won't look in your eye.

It's red and stuff and
Shameful because I am embarrassed
There are people who I want
And people who I cherish

And some of them see right past me
And look into my soul,
But many of them
Fail to relinquish control.

They are scared and they
Won't relinquish control.

Please see the warning signs
And respect my skin.
It's not just red but hairy,
And if you even begin

To touch me, or look at me
In a way that freaks me out,
I'll be unclear about
What life's all about.

Yeah, I'll be unclear
About what life's all about.

My head is filled with doubt
Although my heart is filled with love,
You can have some if you want,
But there's a condition I trust.

After a couple years of skating
All around this icy rink
I've found that love slips
And falls and craves another drink.

Love slips and falls
And craves another drink.

Some people I love
A lot, I don't love at all
Because they seem to think I'm ugly,
And they treat me like I'm small

And they put their hand on their neck
And turn the other way,
This sort of treatment
Really makes my skin quite great

This sort of treatment
Makes me feel really quite great!

Give up. Surrender.
Time to learn to hate.
While you're on a ******,
Make many mistakes.

What's love gotten you so far?
Who needs it?
You've got so much love in your heart,
Who feeds it?

Isolated loser,
Hated servant.
Take a chance, chooser,
Hate deserves it.

It works for many others,
Look at the president.
Hate as a platform,
That's magnificent.

Rather than calming,
Hate floods your system
All your love's forgotten
Nobody will miss 'em.

Do you want power,
Instead of powerless?
Is this the final hour
Of my cowardice?

Instead of shaking
And stuttering out of fear
Do you want to lash out
And make your love disappear?

Instead of being pushed,
Want to push people away?
Instead of tomorrow,
Want to start hating today?

Do you want revenge,
Is that what'll work?
Hating's easier when you
Let yourself be a ****.

Spiteful.
Unleash those thoughts, that's delightful.
Rightful,
Who's loved you back since high school?

It's futile, take an eight lap walk
Around a track, two miles.
And tell me you won't punch back
One of those dumb laughs
You hear when your dignity is zero
And you can't stop hearing laughter
At your existential fear

And know, hating is really hot
You'll get more girls that you had
Loving people who you got
To listen to you for a second
Even though it was pathetic
How you complimented them and
Let them drink all of your beverage.

Hate is leverage,
Hate wins you items.
Hate wins you respect,
You'll be set with the right ones.

Who loves you for love?
Aren't they all nieve?
Aren't you never enough
When you're clawing and piping
Up foolish words
Trying to buck the system
Get people to like you
Who never want to listen
But they're giving you a chance
Because you're innocent and charming
But they're just leading you on
And then it's you they'll be harming
When they don't ever reply
Even though they read your message
And you'll never be a guy
Who gets love and a wet kiss
Unless you hate the person you love
In order to complete the balance
So you better learn to hate
And start stacking up that allowance

Set aside the hate,
Remember every occurrence
Where you learn to feel the hate
As it slowly becomes worth it

Do a one-eighty
And switch up all your behavior
That your heart thought you wanted
Cuz now hate can be your savior

And all you have to do
Is make one promise, and be honest,
Can you really hurt someone?

I love you so so much
It's ok that you let me go
Regardless of my own true love,
I don't except yours to grow

Don't worry about me, I don't want
To be a burden any longer
This removal you desire
Will hurt a lot, but I'll grow stronger.

You have someone who will love you
For the rest of my own life
It's ok to go far away
And never have me in your sight.

Do whatever makes you happy
And I'll just keep on living on.
I love you a lot, not that it matters.
Keep being amazing and begone

I look like I'm sixteen but I am twenty
I'm really lustful, now that is funny.
Lonely loser with an appetite,
Doesn't matter, can't get it right

No social groups to fit in
No little angels here to console
I feel emptiness from within
All I feel I have is control

Control over nothing that matters
I can't control my love for other people
I can't control who loves me
I can't control my thoughts, they're evil

I think I have it so ******* bad
My life so far's been a piece of cake
I've got a loving Mom and Dad
I feel like I am barely awake

I wish I could see my blessings,
But I'm blind to them deep inside
All I want is love where it's not
And a dark quiet place to hide

Loneliness needs a brand new name
There's a ton of people around
But people who make me feel like I'm seen
Are still rare and here, yet to be found

I take steps towards a great life
Where I'd have a career and goals
Where do I step to make my heart right?
What can I do to console?

How can I make myself feel loved?
Can I love myself any more?
Don't I love myself way too much?
Does that not even affect the score?

Do I need to put on this mask,
And bend over every single day
Open my heart, look into their eyes
And cry every time they look away?

Is my empty heart repulsive?
Is that what all these people see?
I wish I knew what drove them away
Because it ***** and it's beyond me.

I've been talking, looking for answers
Writing poems and going to counseling.
I think about this every day
And I haven't found a single thing.

Isn't it insane to keep trying?
Do the same and want different results?
Do I have to change who I am?
Wouldn't that just be really false?

Can I be true and also be happy?
Is that the cake and eating it too?
Do I have to say goodbye
To myself just to get closer to you?

Will that look in your eyes ever change?
Can someone see me and not feel bad?
Is there any hope for a change
Or am I really deep down that sad?

Am I a pity case in a box
Full of love and amazement for
People, life, music, and what's good?
Do I seem like a worthless chore?

Is that why people seem so dismayed?
Should I just not talk and not try?
"Keep trying to talk to people, Nick."
I can't look in their eyes and lie.

I can't sell a busted up product
Talk about being high maintenance
I am alone and you'd be one
You'd be my savior from isolation

I can't put that burden on someone
and I don't belong to any groups.
Will I find love in this lonely life?
I keep craving nothing but the truth

When I was younger and more desperate,
I hung on every word I heard
From those who I admired most
And those who thought I was absurd

Every new message was a blessing,
Every acknowledgement was a gift,
I'd instantly reply and then sit waiting
For another other-worldly gift

It was quite often I'd be dismayed
When someone wouldn't text me back
I'd pretend I wasn't thinking about it
And proceed with my normal life, sad.

It was just one wish I had back then
To be placed upon someone's list
To receive the love that I would give
And learn what an equal relationship is!

Often times I hear, "text slower!
Don't make yourself seem desperate!
If you reply right away,
You'll send the wrong kind of message!

You need to wait at least 5 minutes
Or if you want to win, 5 days.
Only if you really back off
Will you stand a chance of getting paid

In the attention and love of others.
You think you love, but love is this;
Abide by society's expectations
And fit real love into the slits

That society leaves for what love's worth
It's not a lot, so don't be greedy.
These expectations are absolute
And not made for the needy."

I'm soaking in these messages
And thinking how wrongly I've been being
There's so much that I do not do
Because I don't see what they're seeing.

So if I choose to wait 2 hours
Instead of texting in 2 minutes
Aren't I just wasting 1 hour
And 58 of my life's minutes?

Would it not be more foolish
To pretend I don't care at all
And text you two weeks later
And never hear from you at all?

Could I ever be so arrogant
As to assume my attention's a gift?
Would somebody desperately await my text?
Is that what love really is?

People play these faithless games
And I do not get it at all.
If you like someone, you like someone
If you don't, well, it's your call.

But in this dance, there's no romance.
You're just wasting your precious time.
How can people ignore opportunities
And dangle other people's lives?

You want to seem really important
You want to seem really busy
You want to seem like you don't care.
Is apathy really living?

Is apathy your best bet
To win over another's heart?
Is romance dead and love foolish
And honesty falling apart?

Use your hours and minutes wisely
Being genuine and direct is nice.
Although I started a desperate loser,
I still never have to think twice.

What was once a flailing grasp
Is now a calculated decision
I want the love I have to last
And pardon my derision

But I don't have the time, respect
Or patience for any of these games.
If I like you, I'll text you back
And I hope you do the same.

I have a love of directness
That is one of my favorite blessings.
I talk to people candidly
And never leave them guessing!

It's a lost art, I'm an old soul
It's really fun, despite these facts
I hope directness will live on
And our society texts it back!

If I could, I'd love to help.
But you say no, with such disdain.
You reject my hands and open arms
And your eyes say go away!

I never want to do you harm,
I always want to keep you safe,
But my slimy worthless protection
Is of no use, so go away!

With simple words, you say so much
Your tone and expression pave the way
For my shameful, pathetic rebuttal
And all I heard then was go away!

It's not about the words you choose
It's not about the things you say
It's not about the way you say it
All I hear is go away!

If I'm not helping you at all,
If I'm just breathing, wasting space,
Will you give me an urgent call,
And request that I go away?

Will you do work and make things right,
Prepare your future, play your games,
And not allow me to interfere?
You have your own, so go away!

Your stupid emotions weigh so much
They are so depressing, I'm dismayed
I've heard enough pathetic mumbles,
Stand up, and go away!

I keep my head down, do my duties,
So let's now just make a trade,
You act like me and I'll throw you out!
There, it's done! Now go away!

Your stupid self-love comes in handy,
I know you won't resort to blades
You'll get sad, sleep, and wake up normal!
That's good enough! So go away!

Your place in my life is not a long one,
Every day, you fade away,
But then is not quite soon enough,
I've seen you here, now go away!

What are you doing with open arms?
You want to hug me like we're mates?
We're not, and your request disgusts me,
Hang your head and go away!

Did you think that I liked you?
And would benefit from your embrace?
I need that even less than I need burdens
Like your misery, now go away!

If you want me to love you back,
Give that up, that's a mistake.
There's nothing that I love about you,
Sorry! Yeah, so, go away!

I know your needy heart shaped eyed
Are looking towards me like a plate,
I don't have any food to offer,
Starve or die, just go away!

Your poems are all the same fears!
"I'm all alone, there's no escape."
You ungrateful loving worthless fool!
Lose this facade and go away!

I'm tormented by this one voice,
Night after night, day after day,
How dare I ask for more than this?
Act like it's gone and go away

I want to give it all
I want to volunteer.
But what good is my gall
If I'm not even here?

I want to love you more,
I want to help you out
I want to shed some light
I want to strip your doubt

Stand upon my shoulders
Use me as a step ladder
If I couldn't support you, though,
Wouldn't I just not matter?

Take what's mine and make it yours
Use me the best way you can
Dock your boat upon my shore
Explore and prosper from my land

Take my crops, read my books,
Heed my wisdom, see my example!
Just don't misuse what you took,
From my supply, just take a sample

It's not much that I have for you,
But that is really all there is.
A grain of sand for your grand castle
Might not be much, but take my drips.

When you take, you give me more
Without having to give at all!
When I try to take and fail,
I feel pathetic and so small

Would anyone benefit from me
With my grandeur and my twists?
Is this mess behind a mask forlorn?
Might it just as well not even exist?

Take taxi cabs, use tennis shoes,
Move forward with life itself
And if you feel a calling to help me,
Leave that burden on the shelf.

My perspective's gone and twisted
I don't really know about my place
My nightmares calm me after my dreams
Shove what I want in my face!

And oh, if I could just change that!
How much I want what I truly don't!
How badly I long to be accepted,
How badly I long to be left alone!

Pain in my heart, pure straight jacket!
Confine my moves to make me seem
Like I could ever be someone's hero!
Like I could ever fulfill someone's dream!

It's all a ruse! I'm such a mess,
I write this poem out of rejection.
You miss the shots you never take,
But taken shots can be deadly weapons!

I see shots that I could take,
And I refuse and it ***** for days,
But I take shots and my heart breaks
And I can't make this go away!

Where's the exit to this maze,
Is it the real Suburban Dream?
Do I need psychoactive drugs
To **** the part of me that bleeds?

Where's the napkins? Where's the gauze?
This bleeding really needs to stop!
I can't just ask for a transfusion,
And if it dies, then I'll be lost!

I'm guided by my bleeding heart,
One failure after the next,
I beat myself down night after night,
And now, all I can say is, what's left?

What is there left in my hollow shell
Besides my love and my caring nature?
There's also tons of ways to waste time,
Will artwork be my savior?

Is numbing the pain until it's gone
The right answer, my best bet?
I need to find some way to be strong
And try to save what I have left.

Let me help you, give me meaning,
Give my ungrateful self some worth!
There's only so much time I'll have
To love people here on this earth.

I try to cry when I'm alone
But usually, it doesn't come
I could try and pick up the phone
But where would my message come from?

I can't believe I'm so elated
I can't believe I love my life
When all of my poems are twisted messes
And all of my feelings are full of strife

I can only cry when I'm with you
Or anyone who cares to listen
I'm numb to my own miseries
But when I share them, my heart glistens

It reflects the light that you give off
And it's not used to being lit
You hear my words and pull my heart
From the dark self-inflicted pit

I might have too much pride
That might be why my tears like you
What's there to be ashamed of when I'm alone?
When it's just me, there's nothing new.

I want to be open, I want to share
I want you to sit and watch my cry
I know it's stupid, and it's a dare
Because afterwords, you might fly.

Venture back into my pit,
Carefully deposit my heart.
Your wings of belonging help you escape
And now you're gone to play your part.

I look so happy, I feel so happy,
I can't believe it's circumstantial
I want to feel that way inside
Flickering flame of a candle

I'm a man made of infinite newspaper
And people all just have the spark
Their presence lights my short-lived feelings
And masks my emotions and my heart

However, beneath all of this paper
There's a candle with a wick
It's ever burning and unwavering
But nobody knows what it is!

Not even me? What will it take
To really go and light my fire?
Listen to me cry, it's part of the process
To help me find out what I desire

I'm feeling so empty
Hollowed out pumpkin with a nice expression
My thoughts are not lengthy
I can't think a thought for ten seconds

Everything is so black and white.
Nothing shines like it sometimes does.
Mood swings occupy my life.
Give me back my endorphin buzz.

The only vast array I can see
Out of the thousands to choose from
Is the memories I have of times I chose to be
Selfish, hurtful, jealous, and dumb.

The prospects don't look good,
All of my successes don't really matter.
I've either helped random people once
Or given everything to people who's love I've shattered

Whoever wants me won't for long,
And whoever I want has to have too much
But I can't stop imagining things that
I'd want if I ever really find love.

People feel bad for me,
They make those puffy lip frowning faces,
People pretend to like me and play
That awkward fake love game
Then forget they played it.

If it's all just pity love,
Or comic relief, or obligation,
Would it not make sense to find enough to keep hanging on within isolation?

Am I a burden to you?
Or did we not get there yet?
Every time you waste your life paying attention to me, does it then feel like regret?

Can you stop feeling bad for me?
Or am I just too pathetic?
Is all this poetry a cry for help,
stress relief, or a special weapon

Made to keep you away from me?
I don't care, you decide.
I'm done acting like I know what I don't
And masking my emotions with what's left of my pride.

Should I even build a career?
Or will that be another mess?
Should I keep grasping for more from life
Or just go on in sorrow and try protect all that I have left?

I can't control my moods at all,
I can't control my feelings for women.
If I could stop hurting people and wasting their time for the cost of my happiness, it'd be a quick decision.

I love people so much,
I hope they're all better of then me.
I want to go drown in love,
But I don't find it easily.

My love for people is a poison,
Other people's love is the antidote.
And every one of my poems says I'm poisonous
Because that's one of the bad thoughts I can't let go.

In my dreams, the people I've hurt forgive me,
They talk to me and care about me.
Those are all of my wildest dreams
Because nobody's come back because I'm incredibly lousy.

When it's dark I hide away,
There's never been enough to make me quit, yet.
But if I ever do get to that point,
I'll be glad I saved more people from getting wet.

I love crowded beaches,
I love concerts and video games
I hope people are always united on a micro scale,
And everyone loves with no shame.

After many lost and half-won battles,
I never thought it would come to this.
I know your bliss and know your burdens,
Do not put me on your list!

I'm not giving up, I'm rearranging.
Towards you, I'd never be remiss.
I love you so much, I let you go,
And off I will ride, blowing a kiss!

I've fought so hard to climb your rankings,
I've cried many tears and slammed my fists.
When you run away, I will be thanking
That you gathered enough sense to abandon ship!

I love people who've moved me down
Or even crossed me off completely.
If I don't provide you with any fulfillment,
Why on earth would you not delete me?

Where you're on my list is a secret,
Do not take that into account.
Consider only how you're treated
And let your list battle it out!

I never want to outrank you,
Your academics, or your friends.
And if you're lustful, as I imagine,
I could never quite outrank ***!

Sometimes for you, they come in twos,
A two for one deal, so to speak.
You identify a perfect specimen,
Disclaimer; it is not me.

Anyway, this beautiful human,
Might have some *** appeal and more!
I realize you'll see them as having everything,
And rework your list in an attempt to score

I've seen such changes, such drastic switches,
When physical connection's on the line!
You cling to dreams, you make many wishes,
But this? Oh, well, never mind.

Regardless, don't make your list shared,
Like a group project google doc.
Only you can make the edits!
And make edits, don't ever stop!

Follow your ambitions, do what you want,
Travel, love, sing, and dance!
Study hard, go to the gym,
And give your wildest dreams a chance!

I was once a list climber,
I'd walk right up and say add me!
I'd walk right up and say higher!
I'd walk right up, but now I'm free!

Your list is on you! Take responsibility!
Don't let any list climbers climb!
Move them around like little cherries,
But don't you think of touching mine!

Some list cherries will be quite ripe,
And some rare ones stay ripe forever,
Some are rotten through the spine,
But they might hide it to be clever!

The scariest of all the cherries
Are those who look good, but contain
Poinsonous juices and false fairies,
To choose to be one is insane!

But rotten cherries need not worry,
For these cherrries can learn self control.
Once they realize their toxic nature,
They can completely reverse their goal!

Move up a list? They instead attempt
To hide away and be avoided.
I, my friend, am one of those cherries!
Do not drink my poison!

It's said that there are some brave souls,
Who would sip poison every day
Just to get closer with these cherries
And immunize themselves day by day!

And then, once their immunity stabilizes,
They'd move these cherries up the list!
This challenge is not to be taken lightly,
And it goes awry whenever it is!
Trust me, for some have drank my poison,
And they never want to see me again!

Be patient Nick, my therapists say,
Brave souls will wow you off your feet,
They'll drink your poison easily
And ask you when you're free to eat!

It's not easy to let me fool you,
It's not easy to try to not hide,
But don't be worried! I won't trick you!
I'll just show you what's inside.

And add me to your list? You'll know,
This would clearly be a gainless act
I love to love you so much and want what's best,
Thank goodness for my caring tact!

I can't believe I was a climber!
I'm so sorry world, never again!
And this poem is just a reminder
About how your wishes to list me should end.

The pity add is quite common,
Let climbers climb, they'll never know
That their addition to the list is false!
You take these climbers and their hopes

And raise them up and slam them down
Once they get too close to you!
How do I know this viscious pattern?
I have been pity added too!

Desperate times, desperate measures,
You hope to placate a climber's drive,
You think your attention is their treasure,
And will them to plainly survive!

It's a long way up and a long way down
When you are upon someone's list.
When you think upon your items,
Think long and use a steady wrist!

After many lost and half-won battles,
I never thought it would come to this.
I know your bliss and know your burdens,
Do not put me on your list!

I can't just pretend to be cool and put together, when I'm needy and I need you

If I were really cool, a perfect case of what people want,
I'd act like a fool to draw people in
I'd use my mannerisms as a clever fetching tool,
And reap the rewards of my good intent.

When I realize how I'm evil inside,
The greatest sin would be to mask that.
If I drew you in under a set of lies,
Would you be water, and I'd be a hand-woven basket?

An amateur trapeze artist,
You might take a leap of faith onto me
I'm a safety net with a huge gaping hole
And if the light is right, you might not see

The big gaping hole you're about to fall through
Quick! Someone turn on the lights
Illuminate with truth and love
And turn away those wrong or right

It matters not how adaptable you may believe yourself to be,
If there's a big hole you fall through,
You better look for a tree!

Or a close friend to cushion the fall,
My gaping hole knows no repair
You can run away and think of me not at all,
I wouldn't even care.

I might long to be with you,
That longing might be months or years,
But what if you stayed and let me hurt you more?
That's really my greatest fear.

I always say let there be light!
Embrace my whole, don't look away.
See me for what I am inside
And consider what might be at stake.

Is there enough of me in you
That you know how it is to need?
Is there enough of you in me
That I can conform easily

And take what I have, and **** it out,
Give a sales pitch every word I speak?
And then the truest inner self
Would just be who I want to be?

I'm not like that, the me I aspire for
Is within me, but that's my appearance.
The me I fear and hide you from
Is over there on clearance.

Ask what I can do right,
And get charged an enormous amount
Ask me what I can do wrong
The price, in cents, on your fingers, you can count.

It's all for sale! It's all for the better,
Me showing you what's what in here.
If you don't drown, you'll be much wetter
When you experience what I fear

There's no masking it! I won't fool you!
I would never commit such an injustice
I love you so much, I want for you,
To be spared of life's offers roughest

I save such time! Yet waste so much,
On fools who don't know my bad side.
If all is well that ends swiftly,
Let me bring us to demise.

I'm so happy I saw my darkness
And learned the importance of shedding light.
Don't ever only see my goodness,
and don't ever let me waste your life.

I.
I don't idolize famous people
I like some of them, I even love some of them,
But I don't really get it.

Here's someone who I am allowed to know,
If I have the right sources.
And if I have a lot of the right sources,
for one shining moment that I will never forget,
They will know me, and forget me.

It's none of my business, whether they want it or not.
But a famous person doesn't love me or need me.

I know people love famous people, and that's good.
I like that, I like unconditional positive regard based
on a display of talent, artwork, or whatever it is.

I know they change lives.

I know my life has been changed by many people, famous or not.

People I love, especially.

And I am haunted by how much my life has been changed by girls who I have been attracted to. Who I have been in love with.
Some of them thought they were in love with me, but my conclusion is that that was an incorrect assessment.

Feelings change, but mine haven't. I wish they would, yeah, love is not equal in that way.

I would do anything for either of my ex-girlfriends and I still love them so much and I am so proud of them, because they're amazing!

It's over and that's good. Since it's good, why do I still need to love them? Is there a function for that?

Should I idolize celebrities instead?
Do you?
Do you hate all of your ex's for breaking your hearts, or cheating on you, or mistreating you, or dumping you?
Or do you love them? Do you really love them and hope they are one hundred times happier now than they ever were with you?
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

II.
I remember walking into Hollister.
I wanted the brightest t-shirts with the biggest letters across them.
I wanted to be "cool".

I was shy, I was reserved.
I was fitting in, while cracking out of a shell.

Everyone learns to poke holes in the shell that are big enough so that people can identify you, so that you can express yourself within the confines of what is socially acceptable.

Then you have the big hole in your shell, in the back, where nobody sees. Late at night, sometimes, around people you love, you crawl out of the shell and say "This is me! This is my religion, politics, desires, semblance of hope, semblance of confidence."

If you fully emerge from the shell and shed your shame,
and fight to hold yourself back, who are you?
Who do you think you are?
Do I know you?
Are you telling me all of this because you're some kind of desperate freak?

I love myself and it's just that I can't be ashamed anymore.
It's full throttle, it's heart on the sleeve, it's love!
It's I love you! And I love this life! And I need that.
I need that.

I don't want a shell. I want wings and a tidal wave.
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

III.
I sometimes look up when I walk around.
I don't put headphones in, I like to hear what's happening,
And I secretly hope someone will say my name to get my attention and I will hear them.

But! I love music so much, especially rap music.
It's so emotional that is has shaped who I am and my views and understandings of life.

When I walk around, I play the music in my head, silently.

It says things like,
"I've seen it happen, I see it happen, I see it always.
I still be screaming, I see his demons in empty hallways."

"Keep all your dreams, keep standing tall.
If you are strong, you cannot fall.
There is a voice inside I saw,
So smile, when you can."

"When the four corners of this cocoon collide,
You'll slip through the cracks hoping that you'll survive.
Gather your wit, take a deep look inside,
Are you really who they idolize? To **** a Butterfly."

Instead of, "I want you. I need you. Please love me. Am I ugly?
Do I look horrible today? Am I being judged? Am I developing a negative reputation and becoming a social pariah? Is that good?
Are you all better off without me?"

I love music, but in censors my thoughts by haunting me every day.
Should I stop it and let the fear sink in and steer into the skid and embrace what my mind has for me, behind the musical curtain?
Is that why everyone wears headphones in public?
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

IV.
I love people so much, I want to love people for my whole life.
I hope I can help someone, somewhere, someday.
That's all I want.
I don't want to expect anything, or ask for anything, because I've been down that road and it made me annoy people I love until they turned on me.
I want a family, and to be in love, not in that order.
But how?
Are you like me?
Or am I different?

Would you save me?
Could you be so kind as
To berate me?
Can you put me in my place
And wash me of my feelings daily?

Is there a way you can come inside me
And remove what's rotten?
Take away all of what I love,
Yet should undoubtedly be forgotten?

Do you hurt?
Do you possess too much risk?
Could I put you down
Without insatiable itch?

Can you use me once
And then throw me away?
Would you need to stay?
Would you make my mind do stunts?

Are you crazy?
Are you the enzyme that would complete me?
Could you delete the weak me,
And bring me suavity?

Can you take my life quality
And overall boost it?
Would I reap your benefit,
Grow numb, and lose it?

Do you take losers like me
And turn them into winners?
Would you make me thinner?
Would you take me away
From too many family dinners?

Will somebody find out?
Will they judge me? Or worse,
Would they care about me
out of pity, out of concern?

Would they heal me up,
Just enough so I'll stick around?
Will you make sound?
Will you call someone who figures out where I'm bound?

Would you get me locked up?
Would you isolate me?
Would you hate me?
Would I court you and dance with you and then you date me?

Would it be me and you in the end?
Are you a friend?
Can you be just a trend?
Can you make a swift visit?

Can you come inside me and leave,
And make me grow stronger,
And give me a good story and experience
To give to others out of caution?

Would I be cautious enough?
Would I be too cautious?
Would you make me nauseous?
Would you make me have fits?

Are you too strong?
Do your effects last too long?
Can you help me function?
Can you help me hold my head up?

Are you enough?
Will I have you and want more?
Will it be like everything else,
Where you won't even the score?

Will you not give me as much as I give you?
What will you then do,
Make me find a stronger you?

Are you the start of a path?
Are you a grand finale?
Are you stigmatized so much
That they won't hold rallies?

Would you make me stupid?
Would it be the good kind?
Will you take me from a pathetic nerd
To a lowdown town king?

Are you hopeless?
Do you make me go with the flow?
Do you make me know what to do
When I'm feeling really low?

Are you the updraft?
Are you the placation?
Are you the one who'll fill the hole
So I can just go on and live?

Would you change me?
Would you exchange me for the better model?
Are you tolerable,
Or are you too much to handle?

Do you have a message for me
That I am too weak for you?
Will you shut me up?
Will you make me complacent for life?

Will you give me better rhymes?
Will you be my latest muse for poems?
Is all of the interest I've shown
Seducing you to want me?

Can you want me back?
Can you give me warmth?
Can you hold me close
And make everything alright like some did?

Is this part of being a kid?
Are you a right of passage?
Will you make me a savage?
Will you make me a lady killer?
Will you make me say phrases like "lady killer"?

Will you delete my filter
So I can overshare even more?
Will you help me score?
Will you give me lustful motivations?

Are you patient?
Or do you come into me all at once?
Are you a cooling ice water,
Or a thousand hot suns?

Will I ever know?
Will you ever pull the trigger?
Will you make me not miss her,
Or her, or her?

Will I forget my past?
Will I remember my future?
Are you a suture
For all of the pain I've endured?

Will I be yours?
Or would it just be that you'd be mine?
Would you be fine?
Or would you walk up to the fine line?

Do you have remorse?
Are you the best course?
Is there something I could do better?
Are you offering an adventure?

Are you timing me?
Are you working your way to find me?
Do you have lust, too?
Do you have trust issues?

Do you also not want to be abandoned?
Are you stranded and you need me?
Would you free me?
Or are you some kind of jail?

Do you ever fail?
Or do you always get the job done?
Are you fun?
Or are you more a means to an end?

Are you a black hole?
Do you have a soul?
Would you make me lose mine?
Will you teach me about control,

About how to lose it,
About how to choose to use it well?
Will you send me to hell?
Or will you punch my shoulder and laugh?

Do you live up to the facts?
Are you not worth it?
Are you sometimes perfect, though?
Or is that just hearsay?

Will you make me fade away?
Will you drag me down?
Could you and I drown?
Could you and I be partners?

Could you stop rhyming?
Could you stop seducing me?
Could you end me?
Could you really end me?
Would you end me?

All of life's seen through a lens
Provided by neurons and light beams
Upon my mental state, it depends,
And sometimes in my most radical dreams,

I control the lens and set it up
To permanently be able to embrace
All of the beauty, all of the love,
But this is tragically not the case

The lens is often out of focus
Obscured by forces mostly unknown
Beauty is gone, external locus.
My control is loosened, tables thrown.

On my best days, I see every leaf
And every drop, and every tone
I want this more, so can you please,
Negative perceptions, leave me alone.

It's like a storm, it's like roulette,
Who knows how my lens will work.
Whatever control I seem to get
Eventually fades and obscurity lurks.

Focus the lens when capable,
Fight obscurity often.
Beauty surrounds me every day,
There's so much to get lost in

Come to me! Twirl around
Without a sound, with infinite grace.
Lean into me, shatter my bounds,
And swallow up my love-starved face.

Take me in your arms so cool,
Let me unwind in our dance.
Give me that hollow tender feel
Take from me the thought of chance.

We will alternate the lead,
I know how you love control.
Whisk me away! Let me be free!
Free of all my other goals.

Sometimes, we just dance forever,
Nothing matters when we're dancing
Any day and any weather,
You have such a skill for romancing!

And bear witness! You have my heart!
Inside your hands, inside your blender
Perhaps inside your shopping cart.
Buy me whole! Return to sender.

Take all of me then give me back,
Right now you have me in little pieces.
A little this, a little sad,
And here I am, full of caprices.

Rumbling across the floor,
You and I make quite a pair
We move in a big empty room,
And nobody seems to care.

Others just don't understand
This private **** dancing affair
It's gone on for longer than I planned,
But leave? You wouldn't dare!

You lurk, seducing me with thoughts
And fantasies born anew
Would we be happy or distraught?
Calm times abundant or good times few?

When you look me in the eyes,
My mind freezes, you're all I see.
How are you so beautiful
When you're inside of ugly me?

The problem is I'm all you know,
And all I know, I come to love.
I enjoy your stimulating show,
And wait around for your rough shoves.

Shake me up and make me feel
So that my heart rate escalates
My feeling can be measured in numbers,
Give me sorrow, make me irate.

It's such a rush! We move in sync,
You make me want to dance all night.
Our dance is over in one blink,
You steal the hours from my life.

It's either you or nothing at all,
And frankly, I'm afraid to leave.
When returning, I always crawl
And bow down and beg at your feet.

"You give me treasure, you give me dance,
You are my poetic inspiration.
Although I let you wear my pants,
You're all I see in isolation!

I love you, I love you, Don't ever leave me,
Dance me wildly like you mean it,
You're a hurricane, I'm a tree,
Take me dancing with a twist

The dance will be a lifelong one,
Sometimes a prominent promenade,
But since we're dancing all life long,
Face my wrath and deescalate!

I'll drive you wild when we tango,
We can have fun for years to come,
But if you thought my endurance was infinite,
Engrossed you have become!

I might need you, but I'm all you've got
But despite that, leave me be.
You occupy my attention fully,
But close my eyes, and I must see!

I must move forward, and dancing with you
Depletes me of my loving hours
You might think you're all I have too,
But not when I have power!

Power gives me push and hunger
to fight and give my mind candy
You'll taunt me now and for much longer,
And that's all fine and dandy,

But respect my need to escape sometimes.
My need to have more than just you.
You make my life sometimes sublime,
But I don't really like you!

Compared to my other main drags
That manipulate my body as well.
You might be a main force in my life,
But usually nobody can tell.

Torture me more, be my partner,
Give me the fuel for these stupid rants,
I'm docking safely in your harbor
Dance! Dance! Dance!

I. Entrance
Rough and soft
I clear a space
Foot by foot
Your soft embrace

Quickly pulling
Yet gently easing
Giving me strength
Willingly teasing

I look around
And see a mess
But closing my eyes
Relieves this stress

Being adaptable
Disables structure
Being passive
Encourages lovers

To embrace this gentle layer
And children too, without a care
But beware! This passive part
Can become sharp when sunshine starts

It's so simple, yet so advanced
Far from the surface, without big plans
This is the entrance, this is the mask
To penetrate is often a simple task

They're here then gone when it is sunny,
Sand ridden showers or merchants and money,
There's some green life, some little creatures,
But beyond these, there are not many features.

People naturally want much more
People dig into the core
And so it goes! Goodbye, layer 1,
You weigh us down, but we must run.

II. Treasures
Course and dark,
Here lies the treasure!
Here are the products
Of life's endeavors.

The wrath of under
Crushes prizes
That sharpen up
And feed us dryness

This part by far is most extensive
And also, naturally, most defensive.
All our life's work, and it's for this
But there are more than a few twists.

When three and four are full of hearty
Lucky people who reside, hardly
The leftovers are in this lot
And deduce gain from this, we do not.

We truly don't want all these treasures
Fine expenses who're torn and weathered
A mix of one and three and rocks,
There's no substance but legs of docks.

More often piers, that need foundation.
Much like layer one, this is a station
When all folks must pass through
Before truly entering you.

We detect your gritty sincerity
And thank you for your biological charity
Creatures live here, but not us!
We long for the danger of trust.

III. Wetness
So calming
So very cool.
In this zone,
Smoothness rules.

It looks so flat,
It looks at ease.
Not adaptable,
But not quite free.

Some stop in two,
They are so patient.
They long for peace and isolation
From what lies beneath the layers.
The life of four does not live there.

But now in three! We start to wet.
The closeness reveals the danger.
We sink our heels and scan around.
Ocean, you're no longer a stranger.

At your crest is so much fun!
This is where we play some games.
From here, we may be rarely stricken.
But from this far, we know you're tame.

From this far, we get what we need.
We get a drop of what we live for.
We might love you, we might keep you.
Or we might begin to need more.

Setting up camp here is easy to do.
Some do it for all their lives.
If we never dive deep, however,
What lies beneath is left to derive.

Sometimes, when you're feeling most high,
You push yourself and greet us nicely.
But hidden away, when low and wise,
You make layer 3 more empty.

Either way, with some pushing,
We know we may come forth.
Here's where adventure lives,
And where journies may start their course.

IV. Drown
One was gentle,
Two was borning,
Three was an
Excellent warm up.

Show me power.
Show me strength.
Give to us
All of your love.

I dive deep, a little submergence.
I feel lighter. I feel free.
There's a struggle,
I can't change you,
But it is just you and me.

Being inside you,
Feeling so locked up,
You're all I can think about.
The more I get to know and love you,
The harder it is to get out.

My eyes tell me you offer much.
Infinite substance to find.
I am overwhelmed by your touch.
Yet all is true and none are lies.

Sometimes your embrace is so gentle,
But you can take me off my feet!
I try to anticipate every movement,
But you're so brutal and so sweet.

Yet here I am! Yet I have entered,
And I could not be more pleased.
You off danger, offer stimulation,
Lifting me off my shaking knees

The young and restless, they might think
Themselves invincible and strike.
Love these fools and please protect them,
Allow them to escape your strife.

Your addiciting terrors!
Your auditory illusions!
Your shallow entrance
That turns so deep!

You've lived so long,
You know our movements,
Calm down
And let us sleep.

Although we think you of no mind,
Your variation and beauty overpower
Disillusions of any kind,
You're offering at every hour.

And hours fly by when tangled in you,
You offer frequent wild rides,
I'd say we trust you, I'd be your friend,
But both of those would be just lies.

Savage! Heathen! Brutal trickster!
We're tumbling when you can't rest.
Layers one through three come from you, four.
Your infinite lovable aquatic stress.

When we leave you, you stay with us.
In the forms of rock, water, then memory.
One of nature's most complex metaphors,
You have taught us how to be.


.

Soft, easy to walk on
Pleasant, comfortable
Familial, forgettable
That's carpet.

Hateful, vengeful
Frustrated, ill-intentioned
Always mentioned, enfuriating
That's toxic.

Please love me.
Will you listen to me?
How are you doing?
That's carpet.

Please love me.
I'm empty.
I need you.
That's toxic.

I love you,
I'll do anything for you!
Please command me.
That's carpet.

I deal with your idiocies
I deal with your standards
I conform to fit inside your image.
That's toxic.

Can you hug me in front of
All of these people?
So that they know I'm worth something?
That's carpet.

After you listen to me,
I'll say I'm useless.
I'll say it's not your fault.
That's toxic.

I don't want to ***,
I don't want to talk,
I want you to trust me and tell me everything.
That's carpet.

All I want is ***,
All I need is some warm body.
Give me the fuel I've run out of.
That's toxic.

I'll give you everything
And do whatever you want
For whatever feigned love you can muster.
That's carpet.

I'm ready to conform.
Give me drugs and let me tighten up
While you let loose and accidentally love me.
That's toxic.

I'll text you back immediately.
And patiently await your response.
Rejoice in this moment you did for me.
That's carpet.

Give me advice.
So I can shoot you down.
So I can let you down.
So I can let you drown.
In my toxic civil war
Where I knew no solution would come
From my internal struggle.
But you took a side
And felt the wrath of one of my forces.
I can't help you.
Leave me alone.
That's toxic.

I walk around
By myself late at night.
I text you and say I need you.
Don't worry about where I am.
I needed to be alone,
But now I don't.
I just escaped misery and wanted to
Find you.
Find me,
Or I'll run away.
Block me,
So I can fester.
That's carpet.

Let me give you a million compliments.
Easily.
While you find one for me
And slip a shark a steak
Even though he'll always be hungry.
Sharks barely ever **** humans,
But they're so scary.
It's the hunger, it's the image.
It's not the behavior.
It's not.
The image is hunger.
Always give me more.
That's toxic.

I serve.
I help.
I pleasure, assist, provide
I care, then I care more.
Then I go home and rub off
The disappointment and fear of alone.
Then I care more.
And I wait for the love I give
To come to me.
And I think it will.
That's carpet.

Leave me alone.
Be honest.
That's what I need.
Let your honesty drown you
Because I'm honest too.
And I'll open up the floodgates,
Without remorse.
Sorry if you drown.
I overthink, bottle up, and overshare.
That's toxic.

Please love me.
Please act with me,
Act out the fantasies I have planned.
And re-enact the ones I did.
I'm toxic.
I'm carpet.
That's me.

Spoiled
Can't take the recoil
Of the life with no difficulty

Overthinking
Can't stop rapidly blinking
When my dreams haunt me

Logical
But ambiguous obstacles
Make nothing concrete

Incomplete
But the missing pieces
Supposedly walk around outside

According to me,
What I need is free
But it's not really free.
I just don't know the price

Lifeless
Monotone
Texts from my telephone
Outnumber those received

It's hard to breathe
When I think about dying.
When I think about flying
I can almost cry

But not quite.
Crying requires life
And I don't feel really alive
Unless I'm with people I love

Who love me back.

Should I retract?
Am I an addict?
Who wants to be loved this bad,
and how do they not show it,
or sometimes not even know it?

Forgo it
Let go of it
Let go of that dream
Take one for the team
And walk the line
Don't wine
Don't pine

It'll be alright.
But it won't be better than your dreams.
Life's a goddess on a cloud
And you can't get to her

But you can let her guide you
And let her ride you
Because you're in control

Just control your goals,
Or if you don't,
Try harder and fight barters
About what it's worth

It's worth a lot
Take a shot or rot

I don't know what this means
I think a lot and write sometimes
I'm frustrated.
I'm done.

I'm sorry family that I ran away from home,
Came to college, got stressed, and didn't make it my own.
I want to be successful, it'd be great to feel accomplished.
But I'm always disappointed and running out of options.

I want to sit in a quiet room and study for hours.
But my emotions storm around and deplete my cognitive power.
If I had some hormone pills, if i had a magic wand,
I could make my heart stop and make my mind be strong.

But I don't, and it's not, and I can't, and I won't,
And I love myself too much to hate my emotional storm,
But I disappoint myself whenever I take a test
And I can't think clearly and I make a huge mess.

It's sometimes hard to choose whether I should try to relax
In my isolated state with video games and rap tracks,
Or if I should submerge myself in my studies and eventually,
Let myself down once again and be isolated and empty.

Therein lies the rub, for when I'm just isolated
Coping with my emotions that are never evaded,
I look inside myself and see that there's love,
And I feel whole and at once. I feel control over one

Aspect of my life. They say control matters.
But when I perform my exams and achieve grades below average,
And it's all because I can't stop my emotions from turning,
Is this the hard work it takes? Is this the fire that's burning?

When I fail time after time, tumbling through emotional wreckage
Just to know these ideas on this study guide checklist,
Just to sit for an exam and forget what I processed
Did I fail this exam? Is this all a big test?

Is college meant to make me feel like I shouldn't be here at all
Until 10 years later when I'm a grown up adult,
And I don't have as many hormones affecting my motivation?
Or is this conditioning me to reach a new elevation

In my mind where I choose facts and logic over what I feel?
Study for tests, get good grades, and forget what's real.
When I sit down for a test, it doesn't matter what's happening
In my mind or my heart. It matters what's lacking.

"Do you lack the emotions that would make you burn out?
Well good! Study hard, graduate, get out.
Are you emotions making you feel like you're out of control?
Sit down. Let's talk about reaching your goals.

Life's all about balance. Study some each day,
Take time to relax too. Bad thoughts then go away.
Then wake up and study more, or if you had a bad dream,
Try to calm down. Study once you can see

More clearly. Yeah, just mix things up,
Focus on your classes. Focus on your love.
Don't fall behind too much or you might not pass.
Be happy, responsible, and smart; that's all I really ask."

That was a polite request that I'd be glad to consider,
If it wasn't for the fact that my mind is a twister
And running around trying to escape feels futile
And I run for miles and it feels so wild.

That's just a metaphor, but I want to be happy.
It's at the top of my priorities and I can't change that, see.
So once I'm ready to work hard, I'll let you know.
Please let me go. Please let me go.

I ran away from my home when I came to college,
And independence is great, I love gaining knowledge!
I love all the people! I love this new place
I love having my own space to let my thoughts erase.

That comes up a lot; chasing my feelings with an eraser,
To clear up my mind so I can earn the favor
Of all of my potential friends and all of my professors,
The difference is I always have class, but so many people left me here

To do all of this alone, I don't suffer for no reason,
The only things that I want are out of my grasp every season
And if I could want to do well and not want social tidings,
You wouldn't have to hear all of this stupid whining.

I'm not socially successful. I'm not a winner.
I can't live with that, I can't stretch myself thinner.
Until further notice, my emotions are wild
And my attempts to add more priorities to the mix are mild.

That includes grades. That includes calling you!
When I come home I'll try to love and be true to you.
When I'm at school, I'm out of balance and seeking patience
And it's harder in isolation and I can't even wait then.

I can't wait for life to come to me, gotta grab it.
I can't write poems and complain and not work, gotta stop it.
I'm sorry that I'm confused, I'm sorry I'm so lazy,
I'm sorry if this poem makes you think I'm going crazy,

Because I'm not. I love myself and that's it.
I'd like some connections in life and working is not it.
It's love, it's connection, it's people, it's music.
I'm not sure if i can do this.

I'm sorry family if that's hard to hear.
I'd say it's ok, but the past two years
Haven't stopped increasing in how much I'm being challenged
So I might not have the right allowance.

Of patience and energy to really get by.
I really wish I could cry more.
But I can't when I'm alone.
I'm not giving up.

I love you guys.

My brain is short circuiting
My sanity's in danger
I'm a plague on most people
I'm an ugly stranger

After 10 hours of sleep
Bad thoughts really won't stop
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to drop

Can't stop loving people
Can't stop wanting girls
Can't stop resisting texting
People who ignore my whirls

I message people when I
Spiral into depression
And people then ignore me
And they teach me a lesson

I'm tired of people
Bout to move far away
Bout to wake up where I may
Eventually see brighter days

I don't know what's wrong
But I can't function right here
All I feel is rejected
Then stuffed with horrid fears

I want what I have wanted
Since I was like, fifteen
Someone to tell all my fears to
Someone to tell all my dreams to

Someone who'd stay up all night
With me just to hear what I'm saying
And I'd listen to every word
And for this girl, i been preying

And it'd be easier to say,
Who cares? Shut up!
If it wasn't the case
That other people in love

And I see them all the time
It's a **** college campus
And they ain't doing no crimes
I'm just so jealous, can't stand this!

Like I wanted a part
In a wonderful play
And then I have to see it
Performed on stage every day

And every person on stage
Is elated to be acting
But I'm in the audience
Only perceiving and reacting

And once the play is all over
The cast members take a bow
Go out and have a cast party
And look at me now!

I'm off alone in my bedroom
With bad thoughts plaguing my conscious
And I'll try to go asleep
But all those efforts are nonsense

You hear these words I'm saying
Think I can lay down in bed
Without distraction and just let
These thoughts calm down in my head?

Well no! I can't! So I load
Up on distractions
And then by 3, 4, or 5,
I finally rest and get lax, then

I have bad dreams
Wake up feeling melancholy
Do it all again
Take all the gifts life bought me

And I hate that I take
All of these gifts for granted
So many reactions in life
So much love on this planet

But my hormones, my mentality,
My maleness, or my wishes
Won't let me stop wanting love
From fully capable women

But love can't be forced!
Love can't be inspired
Love comes naturally
Love ain't women for hire

Love isn't around the corner
Love isn't begging to chill
Love isn't please spend time with me
Love isn't one awkward meal

Love isn't pity, love isn't
Ignoring my texts
Love isn't checking in on me
Since I'm a lustful wreck

Love isn't writing a poem
Love isn't kissing or hugging
Love isn't buying a gift
Love isn't loving or lusting

Nobody knows what love is
Until it falls in their lap
And right now my lap is empty
And I wish! I didn't give a crap,

But I do! And I can't stop!
I'm in a fast car
And all the doors are locked
And I'm looking afar

At all the love I think I see
I want it to happen to me
And this car ride is free
But in my society,

In my nice fast car
I have some wonderful blessings
But all the mountains and rivers
Of company give me wet dreams

And dry dreams and thoughts
About who's gonna read to me
Who's gonna ask what I'm thinking
When all my thoughts are spiraling

It's nobody! Shut up!
Just forget about it
Loves for people who're happy
And obviously you're not! Don't doubt it.

You might love yourself
You might love this life
But love where you're at too
Or love might elude you for life

Because you can't be desperate
You can't need women
Obviously, that's a deterrent
Obviously, that's worse then

Being happy and confident
And calm and complacent
So sit down! Shut up!
Until you feel that way. Then

And only then! May you hop
Out the car
And go and walk through nature
And maybe find some love

There's no guarantees!
It's all out of your control!
Just control what you can
And wait for people to know

Why they should love you
Why they should listen
Why they should see you
Why you exist, then

Once you're judged
By one outlying acceptor
You can give it a shot
But don't give them a lecture

Don't talk too much
Don't bore them to tears
Don't show your emotions
Don't show them your fears

Act like you're normal
Act like you're happy
Welcome conformity
Lest you be written off as sappy

I can tell it's not a game
I'm ready to play
I'm stumbling through life
I hate wishing time away

But I do when I'm lonely
I do when I'm sad
I really wish I had more
But I still love what I have

Emptiness fills my attitude
Passiveness consumes my mind
It's not hatred, it's not rude
My behavior just is not aligned

Standards say I shouldn't care
And shouldn't have any respect
And if I were more an *******
I'd be less dry, and much more wet

I might be thirsty, but exchanging fluids
Takes a pretty strong connection
I stare down a mellow cup of tea
And for tonight, this is affection

The weather's nice, so I survive
When the sun is shining bright
Then, when I am so alone,
The vitamins and sights feel alright

It's only when behind closed doors
And out in streets or eateries
The moon comes out, the groups come out
And I'm alone, respectively

From my perspective, there are two.
The pursuers and the pursued
I beg for love, beg for time,
But who even are you?

Who are you to control me?
Why is there no other choice?
What events led you to have
Complete power over my rejoice?

I wasn't taught that I am nothing
And that no one would seek me out
But yet, from one night to the other
I have my time, and then my doubts

It's clearly all my own **** fault
This isolation, my one undoing
Should I disrespect women more?
For men who do seem never pursuing

But yes, it's true, I must confess
There is a wall that cuts me out
I must love all and give respect
And that, I could really do without

For if this wall would tumble down,
Oh, how much more I could relate!
What if I was much more like you?
What if I finally learned to hate?

And just add in conformity
And then castrate my eager parts
I'd become a social butterfly
And master this illusive art.

But ****! I love myself so much.
I should have put that off, and asked,
"Yeah, sure Nick, you're pretty cool,
But do you want to face the task

Of being alone for being too eager
And being too prideful to change?
Do you want some lonely nights?
Do you want to come off as strange?

Do you want to come off as deranged?
A fool who loves people he just met?
Can you bear the isolation,
Can you bear the empty bed?"

...must be that I took this deal
Without reading all the fine print
Must be great to be repealed
But I am not, so I lament

And yes, I'm blessed, and I hate myself
For wanting what I do not have
And taking what I have for granted
And granting myself the right to be sad

Because I'm so lucky to be here
I'm so lucky to have this life
But there's connections all around me
And my lack causes only strife

Sorry me, I can't just change
I can't devolve to fit the role
I wish I could, I'd love to do it
To accomplish this social goal

But shut up!
You have yourself.
People die before 20 a lot.
Please shut up, please go to bed
And just forget and be forgotten.

Walked alone outside in the Spring evening
Came back warm but my heart was confused and freezing
I took a shower and contained my inner being
Took a drink of water and looked up at the ceiling

When I couldn't sleep, time for walk round two
Me versus the world is what I was driven to do
I needed to escape from my tiny college room
And find some stimulation to help me

All of my friends couldn't text me back or call
But the ones I didn't call would have helped me out regardless
The only people I pursue will just let me fall
And I can't bring love into this darkness

I often wondered why respect and love didn't cut it
I knew I got obsessed with girls, but even when I laid back
There'd always come a time where the girl would look at me with disdain
And I couldn't back up this pattern with fact

But it's quite simple, You all want this,
Being treated like you ain't worth love
A little hamper at the spicket wants a few drips
But he or she ain't want a waterfall

I've got drips, but I'm still really thirsty
Accelerated heart rate got me sweating like a sprinter
But therein lies the rub, if I flock to dry supplies weakly,
I feel the coldness and my life is hindered

Priorities were never my biggest strength
You could say I was one of the boys who only wants one thing
It'd be a great relief to abolish my length
But I might someday want to have a family

Disgusted, disapproving, or maybe just disinterested,
Nobody I met has ever shared my strong feelings
If nobody wants me dead and nobody wants my love,
What plans for me are you revealing?

I want something real, I choke on fake friendships
They suffocate me and I can't dislodge the debris
stressing makes my mind feel stormative and my brain splits
Am I thirsty or just lonely?

Do I just want to have *** or do I need a kind word?
Would a girl read to me if I did one hundred favors?
I want to have it all, but I hate saying I have nothing
When I'm not even putting in the labor

I don't have to fight to get myself out of bed
I don't pretend to love myself and love life
But how come when it comes to feeling lonely in the dead of night,
I beat myself inside my head?

I'd cut the extras off and remove half my brain
So then, in place of annoyance, I'll just be submissive,
But when the daylight comes around, will I still be a beggar,
Or will I learn to love the way I live?

I don't know what I want, but biology makes me anxious
Is there more to it then ***, or is that all I'm chasing?
Using big words and being nice stunts my progress,
So maybe I should switch to erasing

I love who I am, but what's the price of being it?
What good is self-love if I'm stuck on an island?
But I'm not! Cause some people are really sometimes there for me!
I hate my ungrateful silence.

This is the cycle of abuse a thirsty demon faces
I can't escape the fact I want some affection
At least I also want to be read to, and share music,
But I need to find out how to show my dark intentions.

Dressing like a square sure won't get me much further,
You think I study hard instead of harbor foolish wishes??
I'd wear a shirt that says I'm dying for attention,
But I can't not eat and ***** up my dishes

Being desperate is easy until the night comes
I'm placated by any form of contact
But when I'm all alone, my inner self comes out
And I can't turn my back on that.

I'm thirsty, desperate, I want romantic attention
Girls laughing at my jokes and saying that I'm cool,
I'm done with being smart, I'm done with being called smart,
Let me become your favor-fulfilling fool

I wanted to play spin the bottle, I wanted to make out on the lockers,
Instead I was hidden away by my two lovers, not a shocker.
I started being smart to be less embarrassing,
But now I can't get a date or much at all

Being thirsty is a harder path to be on,
But I ain't chose it, it chose me.

I'm done with being smart; socially, I hate it.
I can't express how much big words make me degraded
I want to be a cool guy, not a smart one
I want more girl attention, not to do well in life

I don't belong here; these are my priorities
Somebody love me then tell me to drop out
Then I'll get what I want and be where I'm supposed to be
****, I don't have anything figured out

Thanks for ignoring me so I don't make your life worse
I hope you ended up having a really good night
I can't stop my *** drive from constantly giving birth
Sorry nothing about me is right

Instead of blood and genuine feeling
My core processes other stuff
It grows within and takes me over
And never does it have enough

Although it's really in my brain
I feel it elsewhere every day
Although it causes strain and pain
I cannot ever get away

There's one discharge that can fight it
And it is truly most related
But this act taunts me and I spite it
For true relief, I have long waited

As said before, it's in my mind
But it feels like it spreads all over
I've fought and pined to no avail
I can't even make it slower

I'll call it Ivy, as it grows
And as it takes a female name
For women are its main focus
Much to my own ambivalent shame

They say we're born to reproduce
Deduce value from this, I cannot
This long term goal is why I'm here
But also why my pride is not

This Ivy acts on my behalf
Desperately seeking what I shouldn't get
It's so disgustingly eager for
Approval, praise, eye contact, and ***

Try as I might, when fed small doses
The Ivy strongly grows inside me
I act a fool, ask for too much
And then hide away from society

And then it dies, receding in failure
The adrenaline it pumps is no longer
But only for now, for next time it's fed
There's no doubt that it will grow stronger

And have the wars between Ivy and I
Ever caused me so much shame!
I really can't combat the ****
That plays this eternal awful game

My perceptions also are warped
To be quite tragic and quite strange
When beauty's pain, and kindness poison,
Is my behavior not essentially deranged?

Much like a war, in the past,
Ivy has sent a final strike
The devil on my shoulder wins
And takes one more girl from my life

Just play it cool, I'd tell myself
And have restraint and just be patient
But stronger feelings are then felt
And they then lead to isolation

The medium through which this comes
Is often an inappropriate sharing
"I'm not in love, but you mean a lot to me,
Sorry if I'm too overbearing.

If I am, please cut me off
And don't ever talk to me again.
I want whatever's best for you.
Forever yours, I mean, your friend,

Nick.
So what's restraint, or fighting Ivy,
If not a temporary solution?
My feelings must eventually come out
And shake away the restrictive illusion.

The illusion that Ivy is not me
Is one I try to encompass
But what if I let myself be free
And play my heart's tune like a trumpet.

I already basically do
As it's clear I reek of desperation
But to make their discomfort even less
Perhaps I'll offer this salutation

"Hello! I'm Nick! Good to meet you.
Wait, don't look me in the eye.
I'm full of love and will act as such,
But in return, please don't be kind.

For if you do, I'll become too happy.
And after that, much too excited.
And then I'll be nearly obsessed.
And I won't be able to fight it.

I'll annoy you. Message you all the time!
And act as an annoyance.
So how about we just skip all of that,
And you treat me like I'm pointless?

If there is one thing you must know,
I am the dog that's at your feet
Endlessly happy when I have your attention
And always eager for a treat

And always eager to serve you too!
I'll do whatever I can
You have my undying loyalty
So give me some commands.

I'm begging you, I want to help.
Just give me any minuscule task
I'll try my best, and do it well,
And all you have to do is ask!

You don't owe me anything in return!
Your attention to me is more than enough
From this experience, you will learn
That I am full of some sort of love.

But how about we just skip all that?
And I'll make this really nice and painless
I'm a desperate, toxic, list-filled mess
Our relationship, for you, would be gainless!

So therefore, don't keep me around,
Just to make me feel alright
I'll tell you now, my love won't stop
And it will just be endless strife."

Once I say all that, I'll wait for a response
If the girl I love hasn't walked away.
Ivy will make me do this again tomorrow.
But tomorrow is another day.

When I bought food today, the guy behind the counter said,
"How's your weekend?" and "Have a good day, Nick."
My response was, "You as well." And I really meant it. I couldn't believe he read Nickolas on my I-card, assumed people call me Nick, (which they do), and called me Nick.
I left and I thought to myself, "I'm like him."
I love connecting with people. I want to not be afraid to talk personally with people who I don't know personally. I just want to dive in.
I want to read nametags and after the wonderful young lady at Starbucks gives me my change for my Grande Caramel Machiato, I'd say, "Thanks Sara. Have a great day". She might look at me and say "Thanks! You as well! :)" Or she might say, "Thanks...you too o_O"
Does it matter?
When you give someone your love, even if it's just a milliliter, especially if it's just a milliliter, do they have to like it? Do they have to reciprocate it?
Do those people who always smile and are full of love prefer their lovees to be put off by their kindness, making the lover superior because they have more love than the lovee could ever imagine?

It's just that love has to be selfish. There must be something to gain.
I love people and I never got out of that phase of when you're a child and you think everyone is perfect and they know what they're doing.

See, I cognitively now realize that people are just as lost as me, but emotionally, I feel that everyone else is on a level above me and I am a few levels down. In terms of how much love I deserve, how much attention I deserve.

I love seeing other people happy. But me? I could do without it. It's immaterial.

So when other people love, it's lovey love, it's happiness love, it's the love that's in the air, the love that makes you hold open doors, the love that makes you human.

When I love, it's the love that makes you write letters, the love that's begging for attention, looking for approval, trying to dominate others, trying to be human.

I want to be just like you. If I could treat myself how I treat you, I might be happier.

You can love something and not care about taking care of it. You can love something and let it go. You can love yourself and let yourself go.

It's really bad but I want to share this with others because my artwork might help someone someday and it helps me and that's cool, but knowing that everything I produce might someday make someone's life better even if it's just for one second, then it's worth it. It's extremely worth it.

So I want to be like that guy who works at that place. Someone who cares. And underneath all of that "I deserve way less than other people" emotional nonsense that plagues my neurons, I am.

I.
We all are cars bound to many appendages
Grasping with our minds for beginnings and ends of testaments
Always searching for new things and waiting for old to be over
Wheels repeating the motions but passing by four leaf clovers

It's over and then it's new when a period repeats itself
As my sneakers are on my feet and my flip-flops are on the shelf
When I'm driving to the beach, I don't take what I really need
My car is eagerly speeding and waiting for steel to bleed

The emotions of us are empty when sensations are rushing through us
But while the car is started, not driving is something useless
But driving can't be the key when complacence is what the ancients
Prescribe for me to survive, but then am I really alive?

II.
The engine sputters when journeys become impatient
When I'm vibing and also thriving, my shyness is somehow vacant
A wait list, a shaking matrix of info, but my lymph nodes
Are bored so am I just freezing or will these lists give me meaning?

Defined by numbers and letters is permanent, therefore better
Than fluids inside my tubing moving and assigning titles
I might pull off this whole trip but my travels would be wetter
If my fluids started leaking, so numbers are my revival

My I.D. is nothing like me, my fluids are how I can be.
So driving is what provides me with motion and stimulation
There's nobody who can stop me unless my motives become empty
So what is really plenty? Transit is the vacation

Derision about precision
Makes my poetry a mockery
My words fit somewhat nicely
But my meanings are lost like me

I can't tell where this is going
But I'll know where it is soon
It is long and it is hard
But I'm composing a new tune

A linear progression
Would warrant fewer questions
And it'd be like all my heroes
Instead of like all my best friend's

Favorite musical artists
And those are generally rappers
And I have rap in my heart
And that is what really matters

So my words have to fit nicely
But meanings are not as vital
People who get it might like me
And if not, there's always "life goals"

And other universal
Generic humor that pleases
But artwork takes something moral
And breaks it down into pieces

And sometimes it's like a sculpture
Or maybe more of a collage
Sometimes meaning's apparent
Other times it's a barrage

And it's hitting you all over
And you don't quite see the picture
But sometimes that brings us closer
Because life too is a mixture

Of things that don't fit nicely
And things that can hit you strongly
This poem's ordered but it might be
Something that you'll think of fondly

Sometimes I'm good
But now I'm even better
I can't control my feelings
When I break out into sweaters

And colors stand out so much
And then also I wear some collars
People think I have it made
But I feel jealous of ballers

And people who live with others
And people who live with brothers
And sisters and then their covers
Hide all of their different lovers

But hiding is not one way
They take them and then here's what hurts
There's one thing and then another
And I might just be a pervert

But I can't avert my thoughts
I would love to be in a circle
Spinning a bottle hotly
And making my face turn purple

It turns red! And white
But I want more social pressure
Not the keep-me-up-at-night one
But the one that seems much better

But it can't be fabricated
And it can't quite be sought out
And it won't happen to me
Because I have too many doubts

And shrouded beneath my mouth
Is a superego completely
Controlling my every move
So how could someone ever read me

And be comfortable or open
When my mind is like the ocean?
I go with the flow but know this
I can take you on a gross trip

And by that I mean a lame one
Where your boat is somewhat closed in
And you're trapped with me and feel some
Unappetizing emotions

That's the mood that people's faces
Take on when my mouth is open
And then I go out and chase them
But my heart just feels quite broken

And I used to think it was them
which is odd since I often blame me
But then my new realization
Made me wake up to the new key

See part of me loves all people
And part of me holds myself back
So if I could just now solve that
Could I live how I want real bad?

Walking alone through the rain
My feel were calm, my heart strained
It never comes a day too late
My endless healer, loving faith

Faith keeps me grounded when my heart flies
Faith gives me life when my spirit dies
Faith narrows my sights when they're too broad
Faith makes me want to beat the odds

But actually, the odds are my faith
Odds are I'll do well and graduate
And get a job, and have some kids
And try to teach them how to live

Faith feels so deep, spiritual, and real
From where it's derived, here's the deal
It feels the deepest part of me
It feels like what only my heart sees

It feels like faith is the love in my mind
It feels like faith helps me unwind
Faith makes me want another day
Faith drives all of the fear away

But faith stems from logic and reason
Math and odds about my life
Every season, I move forward
But faith keeps me away from the knife

It's origins make it contradict
And they are all that makes me sick
So thank you faith, you ever patient
Love-flight-dream simulation

Short circuits in my brain strain my mind to keep me alive
Music that flows through daily skipping, less meaning is derived
Less meaning derived, anxiety comes alive
Face to face with reality with no place to hide

No place to hide since music is the shelter
I want to hide away but my community swelters
If you're integrated, then you soon become needed
So that you can have an excuse to keep out of the deep end

The barrier that separates the best from the sad
Is a melody driven by emotion and cultural fads
It's a fine line with a really strong cadence
That I march to, resulting in a semblance of patience

I wade through the water, and it's crystal clear
As I go in deeper, less people are near
When it's up to my neck, that's when I hear my songs
Lovers of music would even say I'm using it wrong

When I hear the songs, they make me turn around
No, you're not alone, yeah, we're all that down
Hypnotizing music forces me out of the deep end
Heading back to community, trying to make amends

In the water, expectations regulate what you see
Like it says on the schedule, this is where I should be
When I look in your eyes, you look at me the same
We both signed up, but are we pawns of the game?

Either way it's secure, swimming with all the fish
But opening up my mind causes aquatic drift
So how can I feel while staying on the inside?
Is it easier to just be blind?

Where this all leads to is hard to say
So I survive by sensations I enjoy day to day
It's fairly methodical and it feels so clean
Which is logical for musical media machine

Like me

Hold on to the mixing bowl
Let the spoon change your place
Forfeit all control
Before you're stuck in place

Exist here and there
Let your guard down
Exist everywhere
Go another round

When you're with the A's
Don't forget the Q's
Learn from everyone
Let them affect you

There's a whole world out there for you
you've gotta unfurl before you're blue

Following the lines
Living the lies
Doing what you're told
Makes the mold

Dip your body in
Different swimming pools
Keep one social group
Is an awful rule

Moldy barriers
Oppress vividness
All these different folks
Combat my emptiness

I don't really care
About how it sounds
I love everyone
Never lets me down

There's a whole world out there for you
you've gotta unfurl before you're blue

Following the lines
Living the lies
Doing what you're told
Makes the mold

I ran up on a trash can
Deposited my best clothes
Withdrew my new wardrobe
Interesting info
Generic attire
That's my heart's desire
Nobody to hide from
Indicates my income
Walk up to my best friend
Laying back in class
With these special provisions
I can access the masses
Appearance is my key card
Greeting is the scanner
Response gives me feedback
Green light for the answer
Different people different things
That's what I want to do
Mindset differences
Make my dreams come true
I love to be around
People who are not like me
then I live a different life
Vicariously
Not through the tv
Interactivity
I might ask how do you be
Now I'm free to see the keys
Every one is unique
Musically
And the unique keys I see
Are all music to me

Following the lines
Living the lies
Doing what your told
Makes the mold

What does it mean?

Here it is, after the tumble
Where the cycles stopped spinning
It's held tightly to avoid fumble
But who is really winning?

Lies placate the biggest drives
And then there's sort of ease
Try to restart by complaining
Though this used to be release

This used to be the real place
The end goal that was shining brightly
Was it the thrill of the race?
That stimulated nightly

Mattresses are on my face
Weighing into my throat like some cake
Though my sadness is erased
Why do I want what's fake?

The real things I have make me smile
But then they just upset me
I've come so far, mile after mile
But I really wasn't ready

It's too soon to feel ok
Because I need some just turmoil
I'm acting well inside this play
But I want the snake to coil

Come attack me if you please
To save me from this heaven
Take my love and make it freeze
And make me how I had been

Why'd I crawl out from the dark
To be blinded by the light?
I want to run into the dark
And just say goodnight

If I fell and couldn't move
I would stay and get attention
Then I'd make you happy too
And resume the low suspension

The feeling is already gone
And I've created a plateau
Nobody ever told me
That I'd want to go back down below

Feelings drive me fast at night
Crashing more, now than ever
When I wake up and lose sight
I'll roll back and say whatever

Everything is the opposite
I want to go back down to feeling badly
I am not a hypocrite
But a master of duality

It means I don't know how to accept

I woke rattling and rocking
Gentle but still alarming
Curtains to my left and right
And black was the starry night

But within the place where I was born
Light shines about so be forewarned
Within my mind, the light did shine
But all around, no light was found

The light was in my private room
A carriage steadily rolling through
A starlit night, without any haste
Going at a perfect pace

A perfect pace that did not change
Such consistency felt awfully strange
Would that I'd stop and step outside
But I could not, I was made to hide

The driver, yes, she may be there
But truthfully, I do not care
My horses draw me forth and I
Don't know why, but they're my guide

Every inch I move forth
Is in the context of my horse
So is that all that my life is about?
Or might I take an alternate route?

Might I drift off to sleep once more
Or should I lie on the carriage floor?
And wait for death, for I know this ride
Is just my life, and it's about time

Stains on my face let you know what I mean
Warding off friends and foes since I was fifteen
When you hit the wall, take your walk away from me
Saying it's nothing, it's social biology

Really look at me and you'll see my doubts
Let it freak you out then seek the higher route
See what I'm about, but once your insides shout
You'll break out before you break through, no doubt

Break down the wall and when you break through
I'll express my passion by questioning you
Everything you want to be, everything you do
I'm really into spirits, thought you already knew

Question me back, now that's a conversation
Question me back, there's full explanations
Hold yourself back, I'll feel the sensation
All your judgments will stunt the degradation

Degrade these walls to climb on in
It's not so bad once you look past my skin
100 thoughts a day make me want to fade away
And you'll be another one if you can't look my way

Because of the stains on my face

A lot of planes took off

There's no place where I can be
There's no voice I can ever see
There's only a voice I can hear
There's only conditioning with fear

If I took a small amount
Of ideas that hardly ever count
And put them down for the world to see
Would my exterior cease to be?

What is it called if one cares
To love themselves beyond repair
Beyond the point of going back
Beyond being free from attack

Freedom comes from being the same
Being in groups, being not tame,
But just enough to hold your tongue.
And it will be held after you're young

And there will be some safety too
Beyond the red, into the blue
Into the group, out of the pod
Into the collection that's not pretty odd

But it is pretty! But it is nice
To not have to ask, or be told twice
And here's what lies beyond the line
There are no lies, there is only fine

There are some places you can go
To see stars or to see art shows
But how many will you miss?
What's the price of lengthy lists?

Is there no beauty in the one?
Are the stars attractive, not the sun?
It's not right, for you will know
The sun's a star, but only up close

Beauty can be found in large collections
And only some will win affections
Of those who come to pass them by
And yeah, they will, on tones so high

I'd only trust my heart to love
Perceived matter or fleeting doves
But knowing there is so much more
Is knowing only what's in store

There are many reasons to believe
Hot spots of love have been achieved
Blankets of stars spread across the earth
Friendship and love, death and birth

And like the stars spread out to dine
There is but one that really shines
This is the one your field permits
This is a simple verb: exist

And when you accept this tragic fact
That light's around, and further black
Will encompass your distant sights
Will be so wrong, and here so right

Take chance, they say, stray from the sun
And go along, become a one!
The two align, and now we see
Distance is pain, distance is free

Emotions are blind, numbness is raw
People are left, people are called
People are loved, people are hated
Don't let them become sedated

And only one crashed

1.
I'm sorry for your Pain
Surely it has made your scared
And surely not all of it is fair
But know it's only in your mind
And it makes you one of our kind
I'm sorry for your Pain

I'm sorry for your Allergies
or any other problems
Disease is unjust as this life
And those that aren't undone
Can take life as quick as it comes
Or faster, it some cases
I only hope that my disease
That unto yours, erases
I'm sorry for your Allergies

I'm sorry for your Inequality
If I had one and you had two
I'd walk right up and say thank you
If you had two and I had one
It would not be, I would just run
But, Oh! I lament that it is so
For I have all, and I do know
People in our world fight to live
People in our world fail to live
Simple differences account for some
Tell me how you have come undone
Into a world in which our fear
Makes people want to not be here
I love you more, but that's not now
I cannot express, infinitely how
I'm sorry for your Inequality

I'm sorry for the Night
If ever it is dark outside
And you feel under pressure
Believe that darkness is alright
Believe that there is love in the absence of the light
You cannot see, but I love it
Darkness is who I am
Darkness is why we have some light
Darkness is what I am
And you are light, well, it is so
Always in my own eyes
Without darkness, if only light
There would be no surprise
I'm sorry for the Night

I'm sorry for your Misconceptions
Gradual pain lacking detection
Though you can't feel it, it isn't right
Behold what keeps me up at night
Money, fear, and imitation
All electronic stimulation
It's all vanity for let me say
It shouldn't really be that way
Arrows point you along the lines
To blind you from what you can find
I won't change you, you're independent
I'm sorry for your Misconception

I'm sorry for your Orders
I'm sorry since they make
You do for others, but listen now
It's surely a mistake
Collaboration makes us whole
Orders tear us apart
Doing for them will make your life
Begin to fail to start
Only do for others if they would do for you!
And if you do for others, do it also for you
For those who blindly follow feel so found, but are so lost
And acting for others all your life has an infinite cost
I'm sorry for your Orders

I'm sorry for your Violence
It's not right for us to fight
To use anger to express spite
People who hit surely don't know
What you would say, though it is so
I've heard you say it's not deserved
I've seen you ignore what you've heard
When you are hurt is my worst fear
I hope in your heart, I am near
For this message will take you through
And make a free person of you
I'm sorry for your Violence

I'm sorry for your Ego
Now, I'm glad you have some pride
We are all the same and you will know
This, if you look inside
There's no reason to feel as though
You're above or below
We are all made of dust of stars
And if you look, it shows
However, if you stand above
And you do so not out of love
I suspect that you may not see
That I am you, and you are me
I hope we come together so
We can all love and hear,
If we compromise our egos,
We shall be free of fear
I'm sorry for your Ego

I'm sorry for your Sadness
Though it does have a function
It may halt you from progressing
At an emotion junction
Oh, how I feel! How I struggle
To see you being sad
But I move on, for I do know
This sadness should be had
Sadness can never be deserved!
And at times, it's not right
But as sadness is like the dark,
Our love can be the light
So when you fall remember this,
From the bottom of the cup
As love fills up your spirit now
The water goes right up!
In this moment, please have no fear
Please fight to carry on
The sadness will be what saves you
Unless you're already gone
I'm sorry for your Sadness

Though I want you to have no pain,
Sorry, it isn't right
You now have oh, so much to gain
For let me shed some light:

2.
I'm not sorry for your Understanding
For since you clearly see
You understand our culture, here,
and you understand me
Oh, how I fight! Oh, how I seek!
I live to understand
Understanding does bring
And as it enhances my mind
It does a greater thing
It gives me my most sacred power
Which is to empathize with you
It makes it so I know what's false
And what I love, that is what's true
Understanding is all I need
To make this life complete
I look at you and understand
What it's like to walk in your feet
And what a majestic time it is!
To see someone and know
That all I've done and all they've done
Have led us here, to where we go
To meet and see each other's love
And burn each other's fear
When you help me understand you
Is truly only when I hear
I'm not sorry for your Understanding

I'm not sorry for your Sorrow
Even if regret can harm
Regret can consume your entire life
Or compromise your charm
Yet here, know this! You open up
When you apologize
And if you knew what it really was
It would be a surprise
Your sorrow is so humble
Your sorrow shapes your life
So long as sorrow teaches you
And please, without a knife
The function is for you to learn
To correct a bad fate
And now, all you need to do
Is not repeat mistakes
And please be free! For beyond that
Sorrow is but a waste
Take what the sorrow teaches you
And then, before it's too late,
Forget the pain, and do move on
It can be hard, I know
But once you love with what you've learned
The efforts of your sorrow show
I'm not sorry for your Sorrow

3.
Laterally and downward
Crazily like a pup
This is only what you expect
But it is only up

Like a madman scribbling
Or a child bored in class
Pain drags us along for a crazy ride
As if we have no mass

But listen here! Because I love
I can tell you why
Your pain just makes you beautiful!
Your pain just makes me cry

All of my new found perceptions
Enhance my life tenfold
But what you hear is born of pain!
I'm so warmed by the cold

And judge me not, but understand
I love the pained, the hurt
I love them more for their presence
Is such a wonderful work

I will plainly continue and say that your pain makes you beautiful. When I speak to my brothers and sisters who are mentally challenged, homosexual, or any other type of minority, I feel so loved and lucky to be in their presence because I know they had to fight harder to get to a point that they could look into my eyes and smile through their adversity. Pain has brought me gratitude!! Because since my pain made me isolated, so much as an acknowledgement makes me feel so loved. Pain has brought me perception!! Because I see the same gratefulness in others and it makes me understand that we all love those who share our pain. And along those lines, most importantly, pain brings us together. You should embrace your pain and wear in on your shoulder since you fought through it, you earned it, and by sharing it with others, we find what we truly have in common. Every person who shares their pain let's the struggling brothers and sisters know they are not alone! Pain is darkness, but by letting people know their pain is not abstract, we shed light unto their pain and we all love each other better and more productively.

I lost control, but just know this
Beauty is only pain
And from sharing the pain you have
Such love you have to gain!

All I see are painters
Every person there
Painters with intentions
Consequential but fair

1.
When I see you paint
It's beautiful, but yet
Your path oriented format
I fear you may regret

You paint it like Picasso
You effort surely shows
But strikingly, of painting
You really do not know

Thought wonderful and unique
And more positive words
The paintings true potential
Is quite often obscured

You paint not from the heart
But solely from the mind
You paint based on the model
Of those who you do find

Every word is merely advice
Add some more red, more blue
Before you know what's going on,
Your friends have painted you

So even if you hold the brush
When you follow advice
You might become one of them
And then you won't think twice

And if you do, you'll come to find
Female name and male name
Just modeled for you, all the while
You traced them, such a shame

For it was you who was the painter
And you were also the model!
At least you have a bunch of friends
For whom you did not coddle

All is not lost, for in the end
You do look just like one of them!
And by surrendering to their fear
They are never far, and you're not weird

2.
When I try to paint myself today
I can see the results are true
But when you see me paint myself
I've made a giant out of you

I paint not for myself, but yes
It is just what I seek
I paint so I can become strong
And your advice will never tweak

Fancy myself a model too
For those who can to glance
But what's the point if beyond a moment
I don't have a second chance?

Should I have painted you instead?
Well it wouldn't have worked
The only doubt I have right now
Is do I fit, or do I irk?

I love to follow my heart instead
Of modeling after you
But what's the point if I am one
And you often have two or more?

For acting so independently
I'm reaping what I sow
If I painted myself away
How would anyone know?

Well it's not that I can really stop
I can only lament
It's great, sure, but in the end
I am here, and I vent

The road to peace is narrow
But still, it must be wide
My efforts are not private
But even still I hide

So though I love to continue
Sometimes I feel to stop
Would allow me to find others
And then I'd be on top

Your painting was obscured but now
You have a lot of friends
My painting is so clear and here
I am at my wits end

I will not stop, I love myself
I'll paint until I die
And though I feel alone today
We might eventually know why

What am I for?

I put on the right attire
To explore muddy waters
Expectation, heart on fire
Reality, quite a bother

Nothing greater than muddy waters
What I saw was what I got
No feelings that took me farther
No feeling, I am not

Tried to look down to the bottom
Only for a glance
Couldn't look beyond the surface
Couldn't give it one more chance

Peering into muddy waters
They flow, but passively
If I were lost in muddy waters
My worst would get the best of me

Walking through, enduring
My shoes still weigh me down
This excursion couldn't cure me
In fact, I could have drowned

One foot up, one takes the pain
Of withstanding my weight
My one journey through muddy waters
Was just part of my fate

They left a bad taste in my mouth
No toothbrush can address
Strength of spirit went low, south
Was meant to ease the stress

No time to think, for muddy waters
Constantly seek your gaze
If ever there was a lost soul
Muddy waters, he gave praise

******* me down, I lose control
Where would you think I am?
All of this pressure, total toll
I feel I must say, ****

Left you behind to go explore
Thankfully there is so much more
To life than what you offer me
Try as you might, but I am free

I won't look back, sorry to you
That, I can do without
I'm something pure, through and through
And now I have no doubt

Carry empathy
Cure empathy

Face to face, looking at me
Face to face with my enemy
Face to face with my best friend
Face to face won't you set me free?

Looking at you, no distractions
Evaluating my actions
Face to face with a liar
Face to face pure fire

Summer come ups are the worst
I still remember my first
All of the darkness inside
Summer cracks me open wide

Look at you, no regrets
Look at you, empty threats
Look, you can't even address
Look, this is internal stress

Tell me to keep that smile on
Tell me keep that heart strong
Ignore the past and pretend
Now you can't even pretend

Standing here face to face
Look at me, pure disgrace
Look at me, no fear
I don't know how I got here

What's up with being admired?
Is it me or are you tired
Pretending like they all know
How you could never say no

Lookin at me and my speech
Thinking I'm going to teach
Running away from my past
Slowing down, summer's my mass

Summer is still my confession
Time to address my obsession
Time to address my mistakes
Time to obsess my mistakes

Tired of being alone
I love myself, hold the phone
Where did myself even go?
I'm nowhere near this flow

I see myself through my people
I see myself through the reader
I see myself through expression
Mirror just causes depression

Thinking about those times
Thinking about those tries
Attempts at being fulfilled

Thought about running away
Thought about leaving someday
You told me you had nothing

You don't know what you've got
You haven't suffered a lot
You've suffered a little bit
You haven't gone through it

What's up, can't you hear it
What's up, broken spirit
Noises of promising future
It's just become unclear

I've got several promises
That I'll have a great life
I just hope these witnesses
Will help me learn to fight

I don't know what I can do
But try to come fight you
Mirror shards breaking apart
Broken mirror, reflective heart

Heart, time to just shut up
You've got love but no luck
Your choices were all wrong
Express yourself through song

That's about all you can do
Other than try to be true
And then fall into a trap
And then excessively snap

You snap in the wrong direction
What do you call perfection?
Will you leave me alone?
I know you've heard that tone

Now it's coming from me
Your leader is not free
Because you set me up
Because you messed me up

Mirror set me on fire
Mirror calls me a liar
Back to day one
Back under the gun

Hope we make it back
Who really built that track
I loved myself before
But it's becoming a chore

Hello, York Suburban! It’s great to be here today, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be...speaking...than right here...with all of my awesome classmates. I can’t believe we made it here, you know, this was a really great experience, going through school and everything. Back in the day, before our generation became obsessed with social media and electronic stimulation, I used to have a past-time that I greatly enjoyed. I don’t practice this...practice, much anymore, but back when I was young, I used to watch cable tv a lot. I know, I’m really dating myself here. When I say dating myself, I mean, we’ve been dating for a little over 18 years, myself and I, that is. Anyway, watching tv, yes, and when I used to watch tv, I saw what our media portrays as a usual high school life. And much like everything the media portrays, I later found out that high school is nothing like how it is portrayed. I used to think it would be a bunch of young adults standing around, talking about each other, with each other, waiting a few tenths of a second for the studio audience to start laughing, that part was definitely only on tv. (If no laughs, move on. If laughs, say, maybe it wasn’t only on tv). Anyway, yeah, they were all standing around talking on tv, so young, gullible me, I thought  I would just stand around and talk for four years. In order to prepare for this activity known as high school, I proceeded to wear what I thought everyone wanted me to wear, I only expressed myself when I thought I should, not when I wanted to. And for my first year, that was about all I did, more or less. I was scared at first, I was defensive and I loved my life back then, but my life was motivated by fear way too much. My whole life changed after that like the sun changes the sky when it rises. There was a light that came into my life, or should I say, the light came from within myself. I had revelations about my motivations, my beliefs, and how I wanted to live my life. Once I started being who I wanted to be and making choices that were good for me and were the choices I wanted, I started to love myself. During my time at York Suburban, thanks to all of the amazing people I interacted with, I learned to love my life more and more every day. I learned that if I continued to express myself, I would increasingly love myself as well. Expressing yourself is so important because it doesn’t just build your confidence, it builds you! When you express yourself, you learn what you like and don’t like about yourself, and that’s what happened to me. Even though a lot of my high school career was unfortunately spent alone, or feeling isolated in some way or another, I really loved watching other people express themselves and have fun. I always wanted everyone to express themselves more because I learned that I love watching people express themselves, it’s the most beautiful behavior I’ve ever seen and that will never change. I learned so much from every person I had the privilege of interacting with, so thanks everyone, you know, that was really great. I love you all! And that won’t ever change. But I can’t promise I’ll remember all of your names, and I don’t expect you to remember many either. Kids these days, you know, always overstimulated by media and smart phones haha. But when you leave, really take yourself with you! Take yourself and hold on to what you love within yourself. That’s enough, you don’t have to hold on to any memories here. Siddhartha Gautama (also known as Buddha) once said, “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” It’s sad to leave this all behind, but leave it all behind. It’s ok to be happy and remember the good times, but I love you all, I want you to succeed! Don’t just remember memories, create memories! Keep changing yourself, changing people around you, and changing the world until your body runs out of energy! That’s all I ask. I’d like to thank all of the employees here at York Suburban High School for giving our class a healthy and constructive environment, full of excellent role models, and good life lessons. And thanks to my family too, especially my brother Max, he’s really cool. Also, check out my Hello Poetry account, Nick Gati ;) haha. I had to plug at least one electronic media account, this is our generation! And before I leave, I would like to recite a rap that I wrote.

Class of 2015
Let me say what I mean
I’ve been inside this machine
For four years and I’ve seen
People loving and hating
People giving and taking
People in boots shaking
People with hearts breaking
I’m like Kendrick Lamar without the beats or the fame
I’ve got rhyme and time, I’ve got pride and shame
It took me too long to make my life mine
It took me too long, but I’m right on time
I love being weird here before you all
I love it so much, but let me take this call
“Hello? I am currently giving a speech
Before I go to IUP to learn how to teach.
I’ve gotta speak these bars to try to communicate
How all we need is love, we don’t need any hate
So let me hang up, I’ll call you tomorrow.”
MY WHOLE LIFE has been consumed by too much sorrow
It was hard, at times, to navigate my way
I had times where I’d go days not knowing what to say
Until I found all the answers written in my mind
Until I changed myself and became one of a kind
Thank you all for letting me express myself
And express yourself too, leave your pride on the shelf
Love people, love life, and remember these words,
Life is about listening and letting others know that they’re heard

How can it be
that you're talking to me
but we're so far apart?

What do you see
when you have to look at me?
Does it ever break your heart?

What is this?
Who am I?
And what do you need?

Just decide it all
Everything is your call
And my loyalty is free

I don't know how
To separate what you want
From what I need

I'm just a flail
Controlled by your scale
Of emotions granted to me

What is wrong?
Are you gone?
Forever here am I

Don't try to help
Just let me wish you well
Leave me here to cry

I'm so tired
Of having to admire
Every heart-arrow fire victim

Spirit, set me free
Loving everyone and me
Is a blessing and a curse

Just give me some time
Stop making love a crime
It's hurting me so much

Every fun time
Every experience that was mine
Doesn't belong to me

They're all yours
I'm down on all fours
Searching for what you need

What's my foe?
Do you know?
Or is it just me?

Why are you running away?
Is it so hard to be kind?
Why can't you, I always stay.
Whatever, never mind

I can't ever ask for this
But where can I find pants?
I'm always without power
Giving you a hundredth chance

And more, well, who cares
You take just what you need
It matters not what's just or fair
Please hurt me without heed

Priority minority
Without my approach, you're blind
My love for you, it's always free
For me, the requested is fine

Now here you are, here's someone new
What will you want from me?
I can do anything at all
But simply let you be

I have to say, you'd like to know
Lifelong friends only for me
You can be mean, you can just go
A deadbolt bond without a key

And don't forget my loneliness
Don't think I'm just some guy
Don't think it's you that I won't miss
Don't think I ever say bye

Never had a single pair of pants
Never got to be annoyed
Never felt that I was being missed
And still I can't employ

Any method of anger, of judging you
For doing other things
For never even coming back
You don't really bring

Take it all away from me
It seems to work alright
Your box is full, but then there's mine
It's really rather light

And what is it, with this new one?
No, no, it isn't so
How can I not be the only one
Who's asking about woes?

I wonder and I wonder more
How can it be this way?
I wonder if I do deserve this
Why aren't you running away?

Living and dying, I am
Giving and loving are you
Can't feel my arms or my hands
My heart is paralyzed too

Walked the walk, I know I ran
Hopelessly helpful are you
I'd like to say, if I even can,
Without you, I'll be blue

Typical to make a joke
You laugh without suspense
What have I done to be treated so?
Long series of events

Take me with you in your heart
Take me or I'll cry
I'll take you, you can't change that part
You need not wonder why

Please believe me, please believe me
I love you, it can't hide
A road without a single tree
Is embraced by the sky

Make some noise, don't hesitate
You can't go on like this
Whatever you do, whatever your fate
Ignorance of hate can be your bliss

Love yourself for what you are
Not for what you say
If you are wrong, you'll still go far
If you make it wrong in the right way

I'm just so lost, you must now see
Oxygen in my veins
I feel this love, it's meant to be
It's loosened its restrain

I was touched when I loved to hear
Some Enchanted Evening
It gave me patience, took my fear
And brought me back my feeling

If you suppress this love of yours
You've succumbed to this life
Look not to mirrors, not to drawers
Look at what's pointed to by the knife

Within yourself, I hope you'll find
This love, this hard edged thing
It can't be helped, but to be kind
Your true self you must bring

If ever I experienced
Love at first sight
It happened here, it happens now
When I imagine you tonight

Sight isn't only optical
Sight isn't what I see
My sight looks beyond you facade
My sight sees you through me

I'm sorry if at any time
I left your path astray
I'm sorry if it was a crime
To know I could, but turn away

From loving and taking I can't part
It's more than ever true
I found you all within my heart
I have some words for you. Don't wait

Took my time as I woke myself
Made it my prime, simultaneously fell
Now I'm here, looking back
I built myself along this track

Every day, another piece
Black paint for the formerly white sheep
Learn and learn, watch and imitate
Slowly conforming to the idea of wait

Here I am, I love myself
But nothing to show for it lies on my shelf
Materialism isn't what I desire
What I desire is cognitive fire

Fire that will make me help others
Fire that takes me out from my cover
Still I want more, I can't even reflect
This is me looking back, so I'm not done yet

Every single movement that I made
Every memory I decided to save
Every person I was pleased to have known
Every person who knows I have grown

They made me love all, they set me free
As is they were, so that I could be
Rungs on a ladder, steps up the stairs
Every single one, it is not even fair

It isn't fair that they loved me back
It isn't fair that I was rarely attacked
Why did you let me walk with you always?
Why the kindness, the unconditional praise?

Don't ever change, don't stop moving on
Don't stop moving until your energy is gone
Thank you for taking time to give me your eyes
Thanks for myself, my real grand prize

Thanks if you ever looked in my direction
Thanks for your constantly veiled affection
Thanks if you even gave me any of your words
Thanks for making my voice feel it was heard

I love myself more and more every day
It really helped to be discouraged to dismay
All that I do that I can't really face
You helped me to stop trying to erase

Well now, I have felt love, every day more
And all who I met, hopefully they do too
I hope that I reached you through my actions
I hope I gave anyone some satisfaction

Don't take me back! It's time to move on
All of these memories are already gone
I must move forward, search for better days.
Loved you even more, now a fadeaway

I love people who I don't know so much that it makes me cry...
That is how I know I am selfish.
I love media, that's where I've meet many of my heroes...but I haven't met them, I've just seen them
It's a love unlike any other, but it's tragic
Their ways enchant me
But at the end of the day, it's always something along the lines of:
Ok, but, where are you now?
Who are you?
What is your life really like?
And why aren't you in my life?
How did this happen?
Well, that one I sort of know...thanks internet. It wasn't enough to make me awkward and socially deprived, but now this constant teasing as well?
No, it's ok, I love it, but I have to say...I'm not sure if it was meant to be this way.
Can you really love someone without knowing them at all?
Of course you can
And I do
And sometimes it makes me cry
And that is how I know I am selfish

I love music
Music is magical, shared, heard, experienced, but best of all is the creation of music
Love too is magical whether it is created, experienced, heard, but best of all is when it is shared
I love you

I love York
My hometown is often criticized, but there's no place I'd have rather grown up because I have seen more love in York through others than I ever thought I could through teachers, parents, and strangers
You are criticized, but don't worry about what they say. I have seen you and through the good and the bad, no one can deny it,
I love you

I love air
As I breath the air that keeps me alive, every breath controls me in the way that it distributes it's fruits of nature to my lungs
As I perceive your radiant essence, it is only then that I truly live as your ways move me in ways that keep me alive
I love you

I love media
It is the constant distraction in my life that helps me cope through hard times and though it is time wasted, it is nothing more than a waiting room for good things to come
And the good things are seeing you and watching you learn and grow and develop, for loving you is the best way I have ever spent my time and that will never change
I love you

I love parents
Parents are brave, there is nothing more that needs to be said
You are brave, for being yourself and though you may not sense it, waking up and being you for the whole day and learning what you may or may not and expressing yourself in my presence, that is what I love about you
I love you

I love laughter
They say it is the best medicine, but I don't know that for sure. It is great how it is universal and it brings us happiness and it is brilliant in many ways for reasons unknown,
But my love for you is my best medicine. It doesn't matter what it is, seeing you and being with you makes me feel better anytime
I love you

I love exercise
Sure it's hard, sure it ***** sometimes! But it's rewarding every time, that I can say with the utmost confidence
And life! Sure it's hard, sure it ***** sometimes! But I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for living it because since you're here it is possible for me to tell you that
I love you

I love laziness
I have it! I have enough to go around and sometimes I wish I didn't but at the end of the day, it is part of who I am and I fight it happily every day
Sometimes you wish you didn't have a lot of things, but all of those things that you wish you didn't have, are just more reasons that
I love you

I love omniscience
Knowing everything that there is to know, is there a greater fantasy? It is unfathomable and frightening
And I am equally frightened by how much I love you, because sometimes I feel like it is too much because I cannot control the feeling that
I love you

I love vegetarians
I love you for being brave enough to fight the good fight and save some lives in an important and practical way by sacrificing the consumption of meat to save animals
And I've seen you make sacrifices too, don't think I haven't. Well at this point, it's not really a secret that
I love you

I love equality
There's no other way I'd rather see
There's no other way I'd rather see
I love you

I love poetry
Putting nothing more than feelings into text as I am right now is not only relieving, but it is when I feel almost completely alive, but not fully, because poetry is second to
The love I feel for you. Seeing you move and watching you be is when I feel most alive, for the fire that burns inside me for you is when I feel completely alive definitely.
I love you

I love olives
Though they are disliked by many, a select few in our world have the taste to appreciate the brilliant taste they possess
There are few in this world who love you absolutely too, but be sure that I am one of them
I love you

I love egos
Egos, superegos, the arrogant and the entitled, they may be self-centered but **** it! No matter how condescending they are, I can't help but admire their confidence
You deserve to be that confident because in my eyes you're just as good as they think they are
I love you

I love teachers
Teachers are givers and they have the most courage out of any of us because it takes guts to deem yourself worthy to be a role model in front of impressionable students and then proceed to educate them which is the greatest gift you can give
And the greatest gift that you give is sometimes what you teach, but more what you contribute through your presence, your words, your actions, your effect on everything
I love you

I love repetition
Change is the only constant in the universe, but repetition? Well, it's nice to have some consistency too, something that I can really grab on to
The things that you do consistently are great, but the way you strive to make change and change yourself is the greatest reason that
I love you

I love you
Could you have guessed? You're the light of my life, my reason for living, and travelling through time with you is my greatest privilege or blessing or gift or whatever you want to call it but you keep me going.
I have felt this way about everyone I've met and I have no reason to believe that I love everyone this way.
I hope you enjoyed my love poem to you, who experienced my poem, and until I meet someone who this poem doesn't apply to, this poem will live on
I am nothing more than a poet and a lover. My love is so strong and unconditional that there is no doubt in my mind that you, the one who is experiencing this poem, are loved by me, no matter what you've done, I forgive you and I love you. So thank you and never forget, you who is loving me by hearing my words, don't forget this:
I will love you forever

After all that has been done
The skills that were crafted
The person that you crafted
Was it all done
Just to hide away?

When melancholy takes over
and opportunity is within sight, but not within reach
It is formidable, tempting, optimistic and pessimistic, all at the same time!
Where else but within a hideaway

When shame and self doubt simultaneously break you
Or rather corner you as two walls closing in
Along with shelter and independence
They form the hideaway

Outside voices dip into your consciousness
Like a ping pong ball trying to penetrate a brick wall
Offering simple advice and above all else begging you
Not to hide away

But before and after the beginning of the hideaway
The social clock summons you
And you must follow and in this moment
You couldn't hideaway

The power within controls us
The power that that we have
The power that we made
The power that you have honed since you were born, and the power that you have built around, and made yourself around
And you made choices that built you
And did you really become who you are
Just to hide away?

"Better men have realized alone is not a venture
A decent man would realize alone is not a venture
Just to hide away, hide away"

Once you realize that alone is no where to live but perhaps to unwind
You will be at peace in body and in mind
And once you remember yourself and your journey that you've been on since birth to build yourself into who you want to be...
Once I wrote this poem...
I couldn't hide away

I am everything definitely

Around the world, my brothers and sisters move through time with me

Around me, the matter compliments me by absorbing my spirit, reflecting my light and containing my minerals

Within me, pure wholehearted emotions wrestle, while my essence contains them and burns consistently and ferociously

Without me, the elements move and shine in their own ways, and I am but another collection

I have always been
I am
I will always be

Everything

More or less, I am nothing

From dusk till dawn, hope of fulfillment desperately disappears and only distraction or unconsciousness can carry me through the night

If I start with nothing and fill myself with regret, then what will become of me if my only goal is to correct my past?

Only distraction and chase can fuel me. But then I can only aspire to be nothing