Five months is a lot when you count how long ago you dragged a blade across your skin.  I have not felt that release I used to feel for a while now. I have relapsed a few times, but not enough for enough pain to cover up my pain.

I hide myself from everyone, including myself. I do not open up to anyone anymore. I pretend to be fine, when in reality I just want a hug. I got help, but I'm just getting worse. They all say that I'm finally getting better, but little do they know I'm just getting better at hiding my pain.

I want someone to see that I'm not ok.  I want someone to tell me it is going to be ok. I want that person. Please come quickly... My time is running out.

Am I okay?

Why laugh when i cry?
Why smile when im in pain?
Why love it when im being tortured?
Why say sorry when i hurt myself?

Why keep pushing me over the edge?
Why do you like to see my tears?
Why do you want to see me in pain?
But when i try to **** myself you say sorry again?

Today it has come to an end.
I cannot take all the pain you put me through.
Im writing a letter to you.
And when you read it i hope you feel happy about me not being there to make you smile by paining me endlessly.

I had enough!