If it feels like I’m a million miles away,
it is because I am.
I listen to the people around me
with wind tunnel ears
while clouds roll endlessly through my skull.
I have a throat filled with cotton fields,
my words always swallowed with the seeds.
My lips curve in ocean waves
endless, the same, on repeat,
a head bobbing in the water.
I try to see life with a sharper lens
but the fog never leaves my head.

I force open my crusted eyes
and wipe the blood from my face
while I wonder how long I was gone this time.
I shake the cobwebs from my knees
and straighten my broken spine.
My heart is laying on the floor in front of me,
the ***** meant to be keeping me alive
has only been the very cause of my demise.
I fix myself and allow myself to heal one last time,
I will never die for anyone else again.

when you hear the initial news
whether you throw your head back and wail to the heavens
or if you choose to mourn in silence
Please forgive me,
each time my thought brings tears
or ruins your mood for the day
Please forgive me,
when you question yourself over and over
wondering if you did enough
Please,
just be glad you got a chance to meet me
and if you cannot forgive me
I can forgive you for that

My life did not fall apart
all at once or so suddenly
small pieces and fragments
began to wear down and
be stripped away slowly
first the distance
between my family grew
I was alone before I knew it
no longer crossing their minds
my body became weary
and my thoughts ran slower
my love for reading and school faded
love for myself declined rapidly then
I shed weight and I shed tears
remaining tucked away in my home alone
locked away with this brain
unsure if I want to stay anymore
still my questions go unanswered
why did they leave
where did my mind go
where can I find myself again.

I’ve submerged myself into
something of an abyss
Most will say they’ve dug themselves a hole
they cannot get out of,
but that is not the case for me.
A hole indicates that there is a bottom
to reach and a way to move upward from there.
What I am part of does not reveal a way up,
Or a way down.
I am surrounded by a nothingness
that is endless in all directions.
Unsure of where to go,
I do not move forward or backwards
I simply stay where I am
and learn to live with nothing.

Being a dreamer
has ruined my reality
I’ve always spent quite a bit of time in my head
painting pictures of what life should be,
what life should feel like
Now as an adult I am constantly moving around to new homes in new places
forever unsatisfied by what I see and what I do not feel
I fear I will never find what I am searching for,
As I know my dreams cannot be reality

I’m in love with an angel
one who lit the entire night sky even when she couldn’t see the light herself
her heart held love
for every living thing except herself
I guess maybe she just ran out of space  
this angel would fight for you or for me
every opportunity she got
but she never stood a chance in saving herself

I think the saddest thing
is when someone stops longing to be understood
When you, a poet, lays down your pen
after too many unheard words
you stop going to therapy
because you have said all you can out loud
You stop faking your smile
and nobody notices,
maybe they knew it was fake all along
nobody reaches out once you stop asking about them first
In the end you’ll fade away just as you wished

I want to tear apart my skin to show you how ugly I am on the inside.
I want to show you the face behind this shell.
I want you to catch a glimpse of the voices and what they tell me
              Disgusting, shame, pig
I want to remove my eyeballs so you can see what I see.
I want to show you the teeth that eat away at my being.
I want to see you shudder as the demons seep from my pores.
             Can’t get away, poison

Love- the infamous cure-all, heal-all. The force meant to make life worth living and dreams worth dreaming.
But what happens when that force is only strong enough to allow someone to stay alive. Only enough to prevent someone from leaking every ounce of blood from their body, but not stop them from going deep enough to see a few drops. It cannot stop the creation of new scars and used bandages.
Love is enough to make the action of consuming food bearable, but never enough to prevent the flushing and acid baths that follow.
Love is here to remove your finger from the trigger and the barrel from your mouth. It will not hold back the tears and shut out the thoughts screaming to just ******* do it.
Love allows for a body to continue breathing and a heart to continue beating, but cannot stop the mind from wishing it wasn’t.
This force is slowly losing its strength and the power it holds.
It can and will not save you forever

I can’t seem to shake
This bleakness,
the fog that has inhabited my brain.
I like to think that sometimes for days,
even weeks at a time
clouds will cover the sun,
Yet it still shines brighter than anything else
I pray my clouds will part
and allow the sun to kiss my skin once again
I just need to keep in mind that
the sun can hurt people too

I’ve submerged myself into
something of an abyss.
Most will say they’ve dug themselves a hole
they cannot get out of,
but that is not the case for me.
A hole indicates that there is a bottom
to reach and a way to move upward from there.
What I am part of does not reveal a way up,
Or a way down.
I am surrounded by a nothingness
that is endless in all directions.
Unsure of where to go,
I do not move forward or backwards
I simply stay where I am
and learn to live with nothing.

I’m an ill girl with an ill mind,
grew up in an ill world and I fell behind.
They watched me grow, then watched me grow weak,
I’ve asked for help but can no longer reach.
The pain has made a home, the hatred settled in,
I’ve come to accept that I will not win.
So please don’t beg and don’t wipe my tears,
these things you’re trying to prevent I no longer fear.

I’m an ill boy with an ill life,
grew up in an ill home and I turned to the knife.
It helped me at night and it helped me to cope,
I’ve since searched to feel more and turned to dope.
This pain is far too familiar, it has become a part of me,
Ive made it clear I will not be here forever just wait and see.
So please don’t beg and don’t wipe my tears,
These things you’ve caused me to do silence my fears.

Why is it you who makes this suffering
taste that much sweeter?

Most days feel like bad days,
and the only days that feel good
are for all the wrong reasons

Each sip I take
only brings more shame
for me to gulp down my throat
I sit and wonder
If this is how my dad felt
when he chose liquid gold
over his wife and kids
Is this how my mom felt
when she chose poison in her veins
over making sure her children graduate
I finally understand
As I sit here choosing blurred visions
over every piece of myself
That when you are this numb
the disappointment doesn’t matter anymore

I have begun to see myself
as someone who is labeled a burden
but I do not think that is reality
it is only how those around me
have made me feel
all I am really asking is be cared about.
I know I cannot lift myself up
or convince my mind that today
will be a good day,
and if I can’t do that for me it will be
impossible to do it for another
so I have learned that sick people
cannot take care of sick people
because no matter how hard we try
we are all just a little too tired

I know everyone says that misery loves company
But so do I.
Misery gives me something to think about,
no matter how terrible it may make me feel.
She keeps my mind occupied
While Making sure I’m never alone.
Misery takes my hand and leads me away from here,  
Sometimes we get lost,
Sometimes on purpose,
I don’t always know the way through my head like she does.
I know befriending misery is what keeps me from moving forward,
But honestly, having someone that feels like a friend is
enough

I was born into a world that clipped wings and barred windows.
The people around me littered the air
with false hope and promises.
They told me they would be there no matter what,
help me no matter what I needed.
Little did I know it was all a fallacy.
They were not there to hold my hand
when I stepped on the scale for the first time,
then each day that followed.
They were not there to pluck the blade
from my fingers after I discovered its release.
They were not there to wipe my tears and hold my head up
each night when I collapsed.
I want to believe they tried to offer support
and be there when I needed them most,
but is that true?
I do not want them to be half in with their half hearts-
leave me to my vices and let me cope
in a way that I know I cant trust.

They ask me,
How do you live like this?
I live like this because I do not choose to,
Because I am a slave to my thoughts that are trying to **** me.
How can you destroy your body?
I can destroy myself because the hatred runs so deep it feels deserved.
I need to self destruct in order to feel okay.
How do you sleep at night?
I don’t sleep at night. I am haunted by my fears and the uncomfortableness in my own body.
How can you hurt those around you?
I do not choose to hurt those around me.
I love them but they no longer see me the same, bridges burned and trust broken.
I live in a prison and I am the creator.
Leave me to build my walls as I’m swallowed whole.

How could you,
Allow me to think I could trust you, listen to your words.
Make me promise to follow your rules and I would end up okay.
How could you,
Take the small things I looked forward to from me, deny me even an ounce of that happiness.
Slowly destroy my body and my mind all at once.
How could you,
Push my family away from me, take away their trust.
Make them think I am selfish and cruel.
How ******* dare you,
Do this to yourself and refuse to get help.
You’re the creator of this disease and you’ve let it go too far for too long.

Tired of always getting lost in my thoughts,
and always in thoughts that make me feel lost.