They ask me,
How do you live like this?
I live like this because I do not choose to,
Because I am a slave to my thoughts that are trying to **** me.
How can you destroy your body?
I can destroy myself because the hatred runs so deep it feels deserved.
I need to self destruct in order to feel okay.
How do you sleep at night?
I don’t sleep at night. I am haunted by my fears and the uncomfortableness in my own body.
How can you hurt those around you?
I do not choose to hurt those around me.
I love them but they no longer see me the same, bridges burned and trust broken.
I live in a prison and I am the creator.
Leave me to build my walls as I’m swallowed whole.

I write for me and I write for her.
I do not write to you or to those whom judge others for their own feelings.
I write to express my heart and it’s sadness,
to expose my brain and it’s madness.
These are words my mouth cannot form,
And my being dare not externalize.
The ink on these pages may be looked upon with disgust and horror,
Or possibly understanding and appreciation.
Please, as you read my words do not ingest them so harshly,
Allow time to let them sink in,
And be taken in the smallest pieces.
These pieces are mine and are of me,
Handle them with the care I deserve.

I am a girl,
Living in a hollowed out shell.
My shell used to be full,
Of love for both myself and others.
I am a girl,
Controlled by a brain so cruel,
My mind used to find the beauty in things,
But now only finds the ugly in me.
I am a girl,
My life used to be worth living but I am no longer convinced,
Conflicted on staying alive while wanting to be dead.
I was a girl.

The words are seeping from my pores tonight,
Overflowing with sorrow, grief, too many things left unheard.

I know my arm is not outstretched and asking for help,
But please do not let me continue to sink until I am no longer visible.

They say the devil don’t judge but I’ve met him and have never felt harsher judgement.