There’s a lot of fear in me.
There are anxieties and worries so great,
it feels like they’re running through my blood.
I cannot afford to live like this but I am so afraid of saying and DOING all that I’m feeling,
that I do quite the opposite--
mostly due to my fear of messing things up for others.
I’ve been putting myself last in almost every situation I can
for a long time now.

I hate the backseat, that’s no word of a lie, but I won’t sell out.

Just once though, I’d like for things to go smoothly,
without these struggles I have to suppress daily.
I think I’d be far less liked if I did and said what I felt all the time,
but is that such a bad thing? shouldn’t people like me anyways?

Neverending chains of dread and uneasiness.

oh how

I consist

of this.

Reach your hands out to sea
I’ll take them willingly
If you would so benignly please
An unworthy host as me.

I could believe in hope elsewhere
To run a hand through other soft hair
But I am far too unaware
Of strength residing deep down there.

You meant too much
I felt too little
When I was with you
All along

Called out of border
To carry the fears away
Of the peoples’ dreams
Seaside homes, under a great
Dark
Cloud.

Unbeknownst to me, I left
With you behind, I hardly wept
You tried to hold me close
With eyes beseeching
Won’t you love me?
With me breathing,
Can’t I love her?

You tried, I failed
You believed that love would dwell in my heart for you
I had missed any intentions
Of a future
Bright
Between the spaces of our fingers
Holding on
To the other.

Dreams have soared through my nighttime mind
Your hands may still stretch out
And I could perhaps
Dream of a day where it would kick enough sense around
In this
****
Brain

That I should have loved you when I had the chance.

But for now across this sea
A life is lost
My only companion is this gray dog
He never leaves my side

I should have never left yours.

I was once alone in triumph
An emotion unwavered by my poise
Balance was never something
We adhered to

If I could reach into your calloused heart
I think there’d be no disconnect
To why we felt so tied
to the same bloodline.

And I’ve been unwell
For too long now.

"I'd become what I've always hated, when I was with you then."

You can’t pretend to care
You can only try
To suppress
How much caring
There really is
Inside..

The kids don’t cry anymore.

when you can barely
put these thoughts
into words?

I am intrigued.
In the daytime I’m happy and nothing seems to bother me too much.
I go about my day good naturedly and laugh and smile a lot.
When night comes all the things my thoughts come back and I become sad.
Everything that makes me upset jumps around and shuts out my joy and it’s really overwhelming.. No matter how happy my day was.
This happens all the time now.

I do love my life.. It’s the foul black night that tempts me.
Yet I still somehow love the night..

Still i must strain to see through blurred eyes, my Creator is cradling me under moon and sun.

good night earth

Everyone I know holds love in their hands
They have the feeling all around them
They are swept up in a world of affection
And I take it all in
Happy and lonely
Lost in my realm of solitude
It's not that I don't like it here
But I could sometimes use
Just a double more
Company.

Love, where shall I find you?

No one wants
to read somethin
Happy.

We're lookin for negative, mournful words
from the livin,
breathin,
emotion-reelin
Heart.

Writing bout a bad day
or a crazy situation or two,
that you can't make sense of.

Being sad or upset about anything
is what attracts people
To people.

It's the only way to learn something
About somebody.