I cannot wait

To uncollapse

To tear away

From all that

Breaks me.

Perhaps if the wreck i found myself in
were to dissolve away
under one breath
of divine intent
I could envision the ways
I should voyage on and beyond
sharpening my sense of sight—
direct this vessel
North—
because my ability to look back—
I’m lagging continuously
South—
and calculate, analyze, administer failure to the past
is rather quite
impeccable.

I tried to breathe in more air than my heart could take
and at once my veins and capillaries burst
I felt no more strength
to stop my bones from giving way, oh they parted ways
and a black realm
with faint fragments of light and of spectral array
swallowed me
up.

Like the trains by your house,
I waited
Anticipated the walk through that threshold of wood, and bloodlined adoration.

I never walked into a place that was ever quite the same.

There was no light in this room, aside from the old candle burning bravely away in the corner. Its flames were just enough to give light to her face. Shadows ran back and forth in a hide-and-seek across her soft yet pronounced cheekbones. I felt nothing for her but adrenaline-fueled contempt and a desperate longing for understanding.
  She seemed not to be phased as I clutched the back of my chair until my knuckles shone through the thin skin of my hand. I could have tried to choke out all of my emotion in under a minute effectively, efficiently, eloquently. But my heart shut out my skill in spoken expression. Therefore I spoke in spattered breaths.
“All I ever wanted,” I spat, “Was for you to realize what you had done to me, for so many months. But you can’t see even for a minute, a second, outside those scaled eyes of yours.”
She had a haze over her eyes that seemed to increase in their vague appearance with each syllable that left my dry mouth. If eyes were windows to the soul, it could be documented that she had no entrancement to anything concrete, anything right before her, any solid thing or word audible and visible— anything able to reach out and touch her sallow face. What an empty place her world must be. But that was all under an If.
Me on the other hand, I continued to slip into an uncontrolled state of verbal diarrhea. “I felt for you,” my hands trembled on the wooden frames they clutched, “more than I have almost been able to fathom. I have been stretched, flattened, torn to shreds and blown away in the very presence of you for so long. And I need to know, how I rank on your scale of human significance,” my knees trembled, “Please. Just this.” Voice touched down just above a decibel. “I really need my heart to feel…whole again.”
And I waited. For a smile. For a tear. For a scream. Any reaction. Any movement, I would welcome with open arms.
The creak of the bed startled me, and my mind was jarred to see her outline ascend from the sheets and head for the door. Her shadow following behind, I heard her utter, “This was worth nothing to you, or me. My heart has not changed with you, and I doubt it shall change without you. Goodbye.”  
And every colour that was connected to any last piece of her presence, her aura, her shadow, disappeared. The door clicked open and shut in under two seconds.
I sat, and absorbed. A thick cloud draped over my shoulders that reached down into my ribcage. I had gotten so far, and recieved so little. Should I have been more broken up than this? I made not a sound— a drifting wisp of smoke caused more of a racket than I.
Yet I felt that…
This was not the end, no. The thickness of the air seemed to tell me so.

You have never once failed
to inspire me.
My heart is shining bright in new colours from your influence.
Such strength resides in your every step, though your mirror is dark and broken.

I would never dream of a life without you in it.

I tried to do everything I could to get this storm to cease its thundering,
but the constant wind and rain is flooding my egocentric brain.

I can level off this pain if you could give me strength and time of day
but all I see is a sea sent gale and it’s coming to take you away
(From me, from me, from me)

Savour every moment of this thin night air.
You’ll need some motive to fall back on once we clear our heads of the smoke in this room.
Bring peace to your maker, you’re not letting him down.

Chew your tongue till the blood spouts like a river set loose on the ghost town.
Keep still, this night is young and black as my desire, I only dream of the forest’s musk on my neck.
Let’s run, we’re animals and this darkened earth is our backyard.

Reach your hands out to sea
I’ll take them willingly
If you would so benignly please
An unworthy host as me.

I could believe in hope elsewhere
To run a hand through other soft hair
But I am far too unaware
Of strength residing deep down there.

You meant too much
I felt too little
When I was with you
All along

Called out of border
To carry the fears away
Of the peoples’ dreams
Seaside homes, under a great
Dark
Cloud.

Unbeknownst to me, I left
With you behind, I hardly wept
You tried to hold me close
With eyes beseeching
Won’t you love me?
With me breathing,
Can’t I love her?

You tried, I failed
You believed that love would dwell in my heart for you
I had missed any intentions
Of a future
Bright
Between the spaces of our fingers
Holding on
To the other.

Dreams have soared through my nighttime mind
Your hands may still stretch out
And I could perhaps
Dream of a day where it would kick enough sense around
In this
****
Brain

That I should have loved you when I had the chance.

But for now across this sea
A life is lost
My only companion is this gray dog
He never leaves my side

I should have never left yours.