There is a hook of another woman’s perfume
hanging from your neck, trailing behind you
like a carcass dragging. It smells of flood
and I am keeping myself from drowning
in her.

I have counted the chairs in your room,
the wrinkles in your sheets and there are extras
for every time she rolled over to ask you
who I was.

Did you tell her?

For anyone else, there would be chances
handed out for every second glance, every
dial tone. For you, there are only choices,
sour and tired from being given away.

Chances and I
have that in common.

I enjoy the smaller things that
No one ever does
Noticing the words and expressions
Just  because

The little, hidden dimples that
Show up when you smile
The way your shirt conceals your form
Yet reveals it all the while

the welt you left on my soul is worse than any you left on my body
tracing the marks on my forearm
i didn't realize dreams did so much harm

i didn’t deserve what you gave to me
maybe i did
you made me believe it
you told me so
you stole my innocence
cliche, i know
you took my time of childhood
  my youth
turned it into something to use and abuse
eight years later and i still can’t sleep right
terrified of the dark, scared to go out at night
i can’t be alone
i don’t even want to leave my own home
bruised flesh, ripping and tearing is something a twelve year old should never have known
three years later, how was i supposed to figure out something that i was never shown
i learned to use makeup before i hit puberty
to cover up the marks so my own parents couldn’t see
i never knew that it didn’t have to hurt
so what started out as a little quickly got worse
there was more after you
not one, but two
i finally lost my nerve to stand up and speak
after all the times you called me weak
i didn’t know what they wanted wasn’t me
just because i’m okay today doesn’t mean i’ll ever be free
what about the others? were there others? where are they today?
i’ll do anything just to know they’re okay
why was it me? by now i don’t even care
was it just because i was there?
where am i? i couldn’t remember over and over
for two years after i was hardly sober
i know i’m destroyed, damaged and lacking
one year more and i finally swore there would never be anymore attacking
when i get the feeling i’m inadequate
i still feel like i deserve to be hit
even now when the someone looks into my eyes
i move away and i try to hide
it wasn’t a learning experience
it didn’t teach me a lesson
these once bright eyes have lost all their brilliance
and this defective heart has started to deaden
by now i’ve come to realize there’s only today, there’s no going back
you’ve turned me into what i am, i won’t thank you for that
what you took from me i’ll never get back
you stole the only light this soul ever had

my insides are clawing, crawling, craving
quietly mesmerized, ravenously waiting
you chew your nails down to the quick
hungrily dazed, silently sick
ask me one time, just give me a moment
i'd rather sit here in my own torment
come once again, just don't block this view
i could never soak in enough of you
glancing around always wanting more
its not food i'm aching for

I want to thank you
because you were their for me
when the ***** hit,
the names were said,
the pain grew
you were their for me
and asked nothing in return
I want to thank you
because you were my support,
my friend,
the wind to my wings
I want to thank you
because you were being you,
and without you i wouldn't be me.