What would you do if asked me why I was sad,
and I answered
"Because I am a woman."

Hundreds of "I love you"s later
I still feel
Just as alone
As day one.

The world twists beneath my feet
And to hell again,
Oh how I miss the sun.

The sky breaks and sun graces my skin
And to earth again,
Oh how the sun burns.

I have found,
Thats this world is no longer for me,
But I love the world too much
To let go.

I sewed myself a paradise today.
If only there was someone,
somewhere,
to take to it with me.

We clash like titans,
smashing vases and cracking drywall,
my fingers rake down your back and I scream
at the top of my lungs
with every molecule of my soul
but no one, not even you hears it.

We fade to static,
twin lies drifting in the ocean,
you are an angel fish and I'm an ocean star,
we were never meant to touch
but formed our perfect harmony.

I know,
all the things about you,
that you could never dare to think,
and you only touch the surface of me,
buried in your own lies,
and thinking this is love.

We sit and burn,
calmly
not speaking a single word;
and our candle is gone.


We are the calming smoke after your last cigarette for the night.
Darling, we have died.

I am in a constant state of discomfort.
I can't sleep,
Or be awake.
I can't go to school.
I can't be home.
I'm in pain.
And when I'm not,
It just makes the pain worse when it comes back.
I can't breathe.
I can't meet my friend's eyes.
I can't be alone,
But I can't see why friends.
I can't meet my parent's eyes.
I can't talk to anyone,
But I need to talk.
I can't work.
I can't rest.
I can't get dressed,
I can't cry.
I might be dying.

My chest aches,
and winter bites at my teeth,
sun stinging my eyes.

I lay in the dark again,
12 am.
Deadly still,
I have drained of my color,
emotion,
empty.
It's uncomfortable,
sitting wrong in the back of my throat.

Yet,
I'm so full,
free, easily floating.

But my breath burns,
eyes itch,
toes twitch.

I'm so thirsty,
but I have nothing in me to get it.

I need to breathe,
but I can't;
with or without you.

I am addicted.
The atoms of the universe drift apart and violins cease to sound,
the everything we believe we know floating away.

My breath catches in my throat,
choking me as if it was your own hands,
it doesn't burn.

All my color, my shapes,
drifting to nothing and dissipating into my skin.
Starvation gnaws at me,
But I can't eat,
can't sit,
or sleep,
see,
think,
Dying?

But I'm only starting,
preparing to exist as ink stains my hands.

I love you?

Whispers ring in my ears,
There is the faintest ghosting of claws along my back,
I shudder, gasping for a hope of self respect.

I watch them,
Perfect little pair.
Holding hands and sending covert smiles,
No lip touches and nuzzling,
Just being close.
They're absolutely flawless in how awful they are.

You know...
She drove four hours from maryland alone,
To see her...
And you won't even drive an hour to come see me...
Or return my messages...
Or tell me how you've honestly ever felt.
And yet?
You still tell our friends about how in love with me you are...

I listen
To your blood
Drip down the drain
Defussing into
Salty sorrow.

One more night like this,
Two more,
Three,
And I just pray
Someday that you'll be okay.

Years are revisited
As I bury myself in snow
And listen to the cries of the ******.

I watch the places
Where your funeral pyre lied,
And whimper, wishing I was superman.

There used to be a fear in me,
A fear to let people in, or love anyone,
Because as soon as I dared don a title, everyone ripped from my fingers.

But I'm older now,
I've truely fallen in love,
And been set ardently aflame,
Writhing in the agony that made me.

I have scorched away my mind's youth,
Trading it for browned flowers and hushed internet history,
I am so fervently alive it hurts.

But?
Winter came and
Stole everyone and everything,
Freezing your goregous minds and open hearts.
I watch you all fall like flies,
Just leaping for a chance to die.

I hold you hands close to my chest,
Wishing you all knew that you've made an athiest pray,
And how dearly my world, and the world, needs you.

And for now
Must we suffer
Another night?
Never so far have I
Denied that I am glad I made a choice,
Although I still think of you every day

We were hurricanes
Engraved in desert sand
Begging to be
Brought home.

I wish
To be close to you
Forever?

I wish
For gentle whispers
And touches
Forever.

I wish?
To be by
Your side?

I wish
I wish a simple wish
To die a dreamers death.

I want nothing more than to die by your side.

I wish?
To be reborn
By your side
Or as your heart
Twins?

You know whats funny?
In the middle of the night,
when everyone I love,
and the few I trust,
are far away,
sleeping sound;
I still think of you.

When I'm thinking of all those people,
while I shock myself through another panic attack,
or late night sadness,
I know there is no one to call to,
but still I think of you.

I think of the wishes and regrets,
secret pains,
things I wished I'd lied about so you could've spent the night;
I think of you.
I think of the comfort you offer,
or I should say,
offered.

And all the promised warmth makes the cold seem more chilling,
and I freeze.

I feel the race in my veins,
the pain in my skin,
I'm vibrating,
enlivating,
you're in my head,
under my fingers.
I'm sky high,
lips dry,
You're drug #2.

Sailing saints with bloodied hearts,
Starting strifes without good tide,
Kingdoms crumble,
Buildings fall,
Who will end up with it all?

The hearts so strong,
Sturn, quiet, hearts of gold.

The diamonds so open,
Bright eyes, flirting words and wondering hands.

The spades so wise,
Fighting, Fighting, buying time.

The clubs so blind,
Driven, Driven by blood and greed, but is that what you really need?

Kingdoms crumble,
Buildings fall,
Who will end up with it all?

The king was ill,
The Queen is strong,
Forced once to face her fall.

The Jack is wise,
The Joker mild,
Flags of war are not their style.

Peastant children taught to rule,
Mixed blood is strongest,
Spades is not the land of fools.

Four kindoms strong,
Balance long,
Will it ever be all gone?

The most heart wrenching
Soul shaking
Mind clenching
Fear...

You were born to be Artemis,
Brave, free,
Your heart broke your spirit,
Your hormones and adrenaline fighting for your body and your brain racing for a restart.
You?
You wish you were a computer, you wish to be free of a filleted heart and a poisoned mind.
But your chains will never break, and you know it.

You strive instead for chemical imbalance,
For your body's need and you're mind's release,
Homing for a delay, a way around your love.
You bite and nip and ride and kiss and claw and scream AND NOTHING IS LEFT.
You are, you have become need.

But under every need? Lies a parallel, a turning point, a breaking zone.
You have a void inside yourself, an abyss if fears, all of them.
And your fears,
Your human human fears?
They'll eat you alive,
You could never escape.

So face them!
Fight!
Untill every nerve is gone and the blood has left and the bones are broken!
Fight!

Fight yourself..
Fight to be human.
Fight and turn to water,
Rejuvenate yourself,
Let your voice be nothing but reverb...
But then be nothing but sound itself!
Be free little Artemis.
Be free with Persephone.

Its crochet dumb ****.

...
Though with mild guilt I must attempt to say, they are for a good friend,
A true one,
Who lets me treat her bad and calls me the best,
And I'd do so many things for,
To make up for all my messes

...
So I didn't buy seven dollar made by a broken sweatshop woman gloves,
I went out for yarn and made my own,
Cursing and spitting all the way,
Because hey, friendship is cool,
And I'll punch you if you look at her wrong.
The broken lady doesnt know enough about her to do that.

I woke fron the depths of army men and poisoned spiders,
Lakes and oceans, home and heavens,
I woke to the slow musicled motions of a sick man,
Achily bending my head to the side for a glance at te clock.

I woke to crying, sobbing, the tears of my brother,
Yelling, frustration of my mother and father,
I woke in tear break, shaky and stolen, somber.

I crawled slowly out of bed,
Wading through water that no one sees, or feels,
Lips paper dry and mouth gaping in drought.
I wake to thirst.

Tea is delivered with a good natured sigh,
A complaint about over work, and a need to return to it,
A slight slump to ever tired shoulders and a gentle push back into bed with words that would be, gentler if you weren't just as exghausted as me ,
but lacking the sleep.

I sigh and lay semi paralyzed , staring at the cieling unseeingly, eyes blinking, slow snow.
I attempt relief from this bed again, knowing returned sleep will grant me more nightmares,
And I sigh, slowly pulling myself to a standing,
My head pounds and my stomach aches.

I attempt to sip at tea,
And I burn my lips?
Startled by this reality I wobble, not managing my mundane task,
I whimper, tears of thin skinned surprise in my eyes,
And slowly, so slowly,
Return to bed.

Hey, Hey Pennsylvannia,
You're a pretty boy, with a 8bit gold heart,
You're a sweet word after cinide,
You're the kitchen knife, shoved in my side,
You're just every bit as dangerous.

Never, Never get your hopes up,
For a boy like Pennyslvannia,
He'll make you think you can love again,
And smash you down like a real kind gent,
Don't fall in love,
Don't fall in love, Virginia.

There are ghosts,
Ideas, inklings,
Of the touches you left,
On my hands, my neck, my hipbones

The places you said you'd kiss
The places you meant to touch
The things you wanted to claim.

I loved you,  
I loved you as much as a butterfly heart can,
Broken, sad and lonely
I know you were happy when I loved you,
But I only felt your absence,
How busy you were with the rest of the world,
All those prettier girls,
I wasn't mad when you kissed her.

I still feel you sometimes,
How safe I felt with you...
No one else has ever made me feel that way.
I feel your hands on top of mine,
The nights when I was big spoon,
And the nights when you were.

I wish you could have shown that you needed me,
Not just said it before running away again.
I wish I could have been better for you,
But in the end, I'm not programmesd to love,
I'm a butterfly heart running on cigarette smoke,
And you?
You're my last kiss with Venus.

Loveless leways into a new day,
Fluttering free falls into us,
We're become an idea but never a probability,
Paper plane people.

There are a thousand miles and three time zones between us,
We aren't lovers,
We couldnt ever be,
But friendship is all we can see,
Our sparkling sea in the middle of north america.

We're paper plane children.
I feel safe at my im oriented home with you,
Forgotten to forget our little island,
We've forged a line on our maps,
will we ever walk it?

The idea of you,
The very idea of you apeals to me.
We are such opposites,
But in that we found some sort of quiet easy friendship.
Can maybe someday...
We dip our toes into the lives of paper plane children?
Maybe find some maps,
And a train or too,
So maybe someday I can touch you.

Sand, sand, sand,
Runnin' through my hands...
I've held a million hearts,
Kept my lovers livin'
Breakin', breathin', beatin',
Sand, sand, sand,
Anouther life in my hands
They can't understand,
A billion lifes a goin'
A zillion minds a snappin'
All they see,
All they see is me.

I'm light, hapy, feelingless and free.
I am without your simple needs, healthy.
I am content.
But sometimes?
Sometimes I'm reminded you exist
And a bit if your pain comes back.
I want to scream and yell and cry
But its barely an inkling of a need,
Not enough to cause any true purging.
I hate you for making me feel this, tormenting me.
You didn't care you broke my heart,
Made me cry so many times.
You didn't care that no matter how many times I tried you ignored my friendship,
You brushed it off when I mentioned it.
You dont care,
You never did.

But you know what else?
You don't know what you missed.

Freedom is a drug,
one last drop of a final horizon,
arsenic on the skin, in your eyes, down your throat.

Its poisonous,
deadly in its life giving.
It gives a world to live in,
a peaceful anarchy,
a day with sunlight.

But it is a drug,
it's an addiction,
as a race, an existence,
we are addicted.

We can't stop,
we'll run into the sun until we burn.
We will all die, crying with joy,
fighting our entire lives,
tied down by our longing for freedom.

I flippant,free,
vanilla cream on  your Sunday coffee,
the last memory of a pleasant dreams.

Please don't assume you are a razor,
You're hands are gentle and your gaze is kind,
I an just not made to love, not like this.

All my wounding was by  accidents,
Faults of mine, not yours.

Weights are simple, painful yet simple.
You claimed I wound easy, you have no idea how wrong you are.
You are the search party,
The ship in waters too shallow,
The child too curious.
You dug your fingers through my godforsaken sand and found all my deadly treasures,
My triggers,
My scorch marks.
I have no idea how you did it.

You are correct, I have been wounded,
But not by this, not by us.
You opened old wounds on accident,
I child treading on a mind field.

You are innocent within your lack of,
Unaware of who you have fallen on top of,
Find another girl with a sweeter heart and a kinder love,
Find someone with comfort too.
Don't look for warmth in stoney arms,
Don't search for happiness in lust,
I'm no friend to Aphrodite.

Lovers are so lost, stupid within their silliness.
All these children,
Boys, girls, the lost and desperate, they come searching for my heart.
But the once thing they don't realize?
I was born with a revolver.

The reach into my chest,
Gently pull it forth,
Unaware of all the stings they pull along the way.
They click and unclick, switch, twist,
Unaware of the restlessness,
The poison kiss,
Hidden amoung my metals.

They think I'm simple,
Quiet,
Kind.
They see a mask, forever blind.

Your drinking debt have brought his end,
your lover's last kiss brings the final deal,
a letter on your table and tightly pulled rope.
Does kissing death count as cheating?

I remember reading,
Reading into you,
Your paper skin and ink eyes,
You were born to be a book.

I remember thinking,
Remarking,
You had no heart and I new it,
I loved you for it.

We were paper dolls,
White wash skin and type stained hair,
We were wishes on a rainy day,
Living to be forgotten.

You saved me from a fire,
Unaware,
unaware of my tumbling bricks,
You saved my soul and kept on running,
Leaving me for the dust.

I used to wish,
I wished so hard,
To have been born your heart instead,
Feeling nothing, cease existing,
I would have kept you happy,
I would have kept your warm,
I would have kept you alive.

Blink slow,
let your cold winds blow,
calm your breathing,
cease your moving,
you're touching the silicone sadness.

We're rushing and running,
forever tumbling,
the human race is dying,
Forever lying, never trying.

Touch, touch the silicone sadness.
But don't sink into it,
Don't let it freeze you,
Keep you,
infinitely inside you.

Fight until your dying breath,
relentless to the very end,
Never stopping, sometimes slowing,
but move, MOVE!
Don't let yourself taste the end.

Our silly silicone sadness,
we can halt, forever speeding cars,
never gelatin.

Have you tasted it?
The sadness?
Have you watched the word slow?
Felt the coldness seep beneath your skin?
their eyes all turn away?

I remember the day I confessed to you,
I remember the terrible lightness of a painful release,
The three days I waited for a reply.

Kota, You hit my achille's heal as you shot me down,
You called me quiet as you brushed my heart off casually,
You didn't hear the sounds of broken glass either.

Thats my only regret,
That I let the boy that broke me when he fixed me call me quiet.

Concave lenses and glass vases,
we all curl when we are heated.
The twitching of eyelashes,
the tightening of your torso,
the retching noises.
We were born to be broken.

I see it, the heaviness on your eyes,
the shyness of your teeth.
Smiling's hard, oh so hard.

I see the little things,
The slumping
When you look away,
How silent we've become...

Hey... I think someday I might love you like that.
That maybe you might send the spark to start a fire in my heart,
But right now?
Right now, I'm frozen and afraid.
I've forgotten how to love.

I need time to heal and recover,
I need to clear the blindness,
I need to get a breath of fresh air, unclouded by emotion,
Feeling, love, regret,
I'm bound too tight.

I need a place to hide for a while,
Left alone to relax.
But I'm afraid to ask you to wait, or just let me go for a while.
Afraid to make your smiles heavier.

Cause your smiles have become a part of my skies.

So please, please, just don't stake too much of your world on me?
I'm not stable enough to stand on.

Happiness is a bird, spreading its wings and letting us fly a little before we fall.
The liberation of the fall, the cool of the burn, the apathy within the pain.
We are free within our losing, moving, moving, swinging, swinging, always winning.
Our souls let go with the slightest inclemency, our kindest killing.
I am happy, oh so happy, letting go.
You've truly saved my soul, wishing, wishing me goodbye.
No one ties, no more shackles, my heart, my soul, I'm free,
Because now? Its just me.

another night is falling,
my hands still holding nothing,
I gasp and grip and wish for your lips,
but its just one more solid ****** night,
broken hearts and long lost fights.

Naked, he searches for a soul,
hunting, hiding, fighting.
We are all traders,
angels in a devil's body,
fighting, falling, coming back up.

I no longer need your thin skinned metal promises.
My tights are not bound with fear and jackets built to hide.
No longer do I leave with fear in my heart that everyday shall be my last, but that any could be, and I should live with a fighter's soul, a scandal's mind and a lover's heart.
I am no longer simply a survivor, I am a flighter, living untill I am truely queen.
Silk skinned and croocked smiled I am in a race of slipery eals, winners in the eyes of the simple.
I am the last of a simple line of promises, built to last, to grow, to form in strength.
I am comfortable in any discomfort, a lady and a gentleman, a noble and a purse slash.
I have built to see your future, and fix it with strengthened hands and a solid heart,
I am part of every future, I am born to live,
Building my metal promises for our never ending shooting stars.

You're an urban legend,
You're a twisted fairytail.
Majestic within your monopily,
Winning, loosing, regardless,
You're a god, you're a player,
You're the queen, you're on top.
We all know your name,
You're imfamous,
Fabulous,
You're an american god.

We're all *******, our little lines,
we're falling, we're floating,
Strings coming and going.

I've lost feeling in my hands,
a coldness in my heart.
The strings are cutting off,
and keeping everything apart.

My eyes will close once they open,
skin stinging, blood dripping.
I'm dying, I'm living.

They keep my up,
they break my heart,
All my little strings,
I'm falling apart.

You are exquisite.
You are a masterpiece,
a diamond hidden in the sand.
You are a bat in the sunny sky,
a butterfly in the winter.
You are gorgeous.
You are simple, you are beautiful.

I don't think you know to the full extent just how wonderful you are.

I want to hear your every notion,
I want to hear your life story.
I want to listen to your tales,
I want to hear your laugh.
I want to curl around you when you need some place warm,
I want to wipe your every tear when you just can't stand this world anymore,
I want to make you happy.

But...
But I can't.

You don't need me.
You don't want me.
You smile fully on your own.
You don't need my arms.
You don't laugh when I am near.
You don't want me to hear your stories,
You don't need my listening ear.

Remember when I was afraid of you?
The idea, the very notion of you terrified me.
Evertime I entered our old bathroom I cowered,
Hiding deeper into the bagy filth that hid my curves.
The very idea of you made me turn away, curl my fingers, legs tighter together.
I never looked at you.
I pretended you weren't there,
That I couldn't see you.
That I couldn't see me.
I hid my face in my hands,
I cried,
I cried so many times, staring at you.

But now, things have changed.
I can stand before you unprotected,
Shaky,
Pale,
Soft,
But I'm not scared.
Because all there is to see is me.

Himeros has struck me down ,
My heart weeps, clawing and crawling,
longing for you,
unrequited,
alone.

How I long to touch you,
to feel your skin against mine,
twisting and calling.
Please dear Persephone,
Come home to me.

Hear me call to you.
return my love?
Hold me close,
just say you love me once before you leave.
Just love me once my dear,
then break my heart.
Hold me once,
then leave me cold.
Claim me once,
then forget my name.

My magic does not work on you.
My lovely little soldier,
My aristocratic model,
My long lost dream.

I loved you,
forgotten,
forgiven,
filleted.

Remember that day,
That magical time,
When Ben ran into the ***** wall.

You are a rose in my grey and green winter.
Beautiful, Beautiful,
perfect skin, perfect smile, perfect heart.
You are my shade on a sunny day,
my safe refuge.

I'm a no one.
I'm a *****.
I'm a heart breaker.

Your dazzling eyes don't blink at me.
Your sweet little smiles don't show for me.
Your lovely laugh doesn't fill my air.
Its not even that you want me or do not want me,
You do not even acknowledge me.

My heart shatters when I think of you.
You, my beautiful constant reminder no one is safe to love me.
You are perfect, you are what I strive to be good enough for.
The only kind of man I could ever love, but there lies my worst catch.
No one like you could ever love me,
horrible, nasty, two faced me.

My hate for you is because I love you,
not for you, but for me for loving you.

Goodbye my lovely prince,
Goodbye my lovely outcast,
Goodbye my lovely king,
For loving you is killing me,
killing the witch you were born to vanquish.

You can see her as a prize,
Or you can see her as a puzzle,
Either way she is indifferent,
Unfeeling, unseeing,
Cold to the touch,
Heart only beating through one last thread,
Shes almost dead.

Please, just hate me.
Feel something towards me.
I'm invisible.
Un-acknowledgeable.
You can't see me,
You don't need me.
You're killing me.
Slowly pulling my heart from my chest,
that gorgeous smile on your face all the while,
unbeknownst to my agony, your cruelty.
Just **** me, my poisoned love.

Words are worse than any ghost,
You haunt my dreams and wreck my heart,
Please leave me be and let me sleep.

That book on my shelf.
The one you can't see?
Its full of thoughts.
Full of words.
Every entry written to you.
Nothing important,
Nothing said.