The Idea of you was lust
Now like a unwanted pimple its time for this season of my life to bust.
No trust,
Between us
Because your obsession isn't killing us, it's me.
While you ****** me your looking for your next victim.
Rusting of the metal that melted us as one
I scream to escape while my body remains in its vegetated state
While loved ones hold heated debates on what treatment I should take.
Inpatient or out seems like either route It's no end to the insanity of a strong hold
No goal
Seems attainable
No moments of being free from the chains you keep around me.
The gag between my teeth keeps your control over me.

Wishing to rewrite history so for once I would live life without stressful seconds
Without worrying about tomorrows and if my borrowed time is up
Or if this should be my last cup off hazy weekends and hangover weekdays
For the routine is played as if the DJ only has one song
One CD and the mix is just for me
As though that one CD is the expression of caged songbirds like me
Like this is the person I am meant to see, the tortured soul that is me can only be freedom
when I **** the seed that was embedded into me.
Into the blood I bleed I feed the monster as I pass the **** and tell the bartender one more for me…
Why can’t you see that this is the death of people like me?
For when songbirds are gifted free rage to sing the songs come out like these.
The songs sing of life unlived of time retracted from clipped wings
Just so I could be programmed to do similar things  
Building a time machine so when the next songbird sings
No one will be able to clip her wings
For familiar eyes will be hypnotized for uniform leaves no room for originality  
Copycats killing the freedom of the minority
Exterminate the majority and give me life
Or if not pass the knife for this uniform life is whipping out the songbirds rights
To give the world a song to sing and melody to remember
A chorus to write
With fingers of talent controlled by minds that wonder with imaginations to explore
The songbirds cry a song I wish not to hear anymore.

I wrote this to say "I'm sorry"
But some how I want these lines to serve as more than the average apology
I want you to acknowledge me
surface my intentions beyond the 2D
Dimension our eyes see.
This situation calls for 3D glasses in order for you to fully understand a lost avatar,
No blue creator on Flat screens,
Just someone as complexly simple like me.
Adjust screen.
Magnify my heart so you can see that it's impossible for it to bump
without skipping beat.
Intimidated, I was,
The thought of me without you
was something like Pinky's ideas with no Brain
Things just were completely insane.
Personality, biopolar
for when your presence wasn't near I became a individual even I fear.
Like my body is here but my habits are not me.
Some sort of split personality
Name her for this ****** expression isn't one I recognize
This new form of madness has hypnotized me.
I  can't believe how this new predator only shows when you are away
As if when you are close your voice tames the beast.
Never leave me for if you do I wont be able to behave
I apologize for this my temper that I can not contain.

Checking out seems easy compared to playing the cards life delt me with.
Take this sip and drink to the sadness im blessed with.
Kiss this **** thinking Im smiling for your kind lies or your rotten slices of "im your friend" pie.
Feed me the truth you choke on or the reality that made you shoot coke to forget.
Give me the lines that your heart cant beat
give me the music your feet cant seem to keep up with.
I want the ***** truth that gives you cavities to speak.
That mud storyline that locks you behind bars of judgement because I can no longet hear that bs the media tries to force into now dead ears.
No fears just through with the emotions that gave you power. face life liar this relationship
is no longer ours. This you and me has been sour no punch line just this I flushed ish like this now how bout you spoon feed yourself that.
Amuse someone with the facts, you tried beating my dreams down with hollow bats.
swallow that and choke on spite for this the last time, I'm over it.

I have detailed memories of occasions I'd like to forget
While I can never remember things I'd like to never dismiss.
Never miss this,
How emptiness kissed my closed lips as I concealed emotions I wasn't stable enough to
feel yet.
Happiness gets,
No place in a crowed room yet full of space
Full of thoughts I hadn't had time to think yet.
Keep me pressed for time while I have not a dime to spend
on costly relationships with mankind that seem to let my soul sour
every time I can recall.
While I spend my time writing poems of sorrows I realize that I can never again
relive the time I've wasted thinking about what could have beens or what should be's
funny how the lack of emotional space seems to burn like honey bees stinging my expressionless face.
I ran races of foot dreams for maybe if I made one last step to a finish line I had no idea to where its destination  could possible be I just new it had to be somewhere far away from my inner self so it had to be the perfect place for someone as spaced out yet completely glued to one spot craved to be.
Like cravings for cookies sprinkled with life was a treat I hadn't yet baked in ovens of temper felt skulls
made with love by the one who composed this distress into the perfect picture of a cloudy gray yet colorful mess.
This life helps me dress myself as I picture my thoughts as organized as yours
My ideas of greatness neatly folded into perfectly hand crafted drawers and my creativeness escapes to the next nut case that could handle my beliefs better than me.
Package my soul and send it right back to me for I want to wrap my uncanny way of places words onto pages to stay
I wouldn't know how else to survive if my life was anything but this way.

Emotions...
Didn't want apart of them so I kept them inside.
Locked behind a jail cell of disappointment
Along with my pride.
Tried to hide from the feelings I had so I wouldn't cry.
He said cry him a river but if I allowed my eyes to showcase how my body really felt
we would have an extra ocean to contain.
Salt burns in open wounds left by you.  
He said "baby you're my main."
As if this a title I would be proud to repeat to new people I meet.
As if being with him,
being the Queen of the streets,
is the position that was in my destiny.
Running through traffic without legs,
Seeing the view of the world without a refection
Stumbling in the wrong direction.
Feels like nightmares were a better look than life
like night life,
even if I wasn't doing my body right,
Seemed right.
Felt nice
for seconds at a time I was alone to feel like I was the best.
Not simply a replacement chick.
More like the woman you wanted to in a relationship with
instead of the one you had relations with.
Take me in faith that I will be a perfect lover for more than the night.

The compliments gave can sometimes save me
For if this small frame escapes me I'm afraid the habits will return
along with the after binge burn.
Think of any sin you've committed times that guilt by
24 hours
7 days a week
365 days in a year
for 13 years
I allowed these words never to reach inquiring ears
Not because of the judgement but more for my own selfish fears.
If I shared my secret of staying thin while they watch the pounds of food I put in
I might not be the smallest in the pack
I can't say I'm ready to handle that.
I'm used to hearing how thin and cut
i never again want to feel the pain of being the girl that's over weight
So I cause pain just so I can stay in a size three I never want a size five to perfectly fit me.
My poetry bleeds my story of resent but no one can figure my addiction
Too skilled to show that the reason I'm small could be the reason I die.
Between burgers and fries I imagine that perfect size and the way my thighs never meet,
and I think about the girls who want to be skinny just like me.
I can't remember when it all began I just can recall I miss the feeling of escaping from the world for a second of peace.
For split seconds no one is there but food and me and the anger is released
My relationship with "ANA" is beginning to end but some nights I have to pray harder than others
so she wont come strolling back in my life.
She brought me years of tears and lonely nights
But the poetry she gifted me seems worth the fights.
I didn't say goodbye to her for if we speak she will get her anorexic fingers back around me
so tight I cannot breathe, so tight I cannot eat the perfect way to fall victim to her game
I pray everyday that the habits will change one day.
I pray for my existence and a sane mind for if I give her one second of my time
I don't think I'll make it out alive.

I wish I could paint
for the emotions I feel I'm not sure how to put into words.
Words run away as saltwater drips from clinched eyes of pride
believing if she can hide that hollow heart that beats inside
of a young girl stuck in a young adults shoes she will feel brand new.
She demands control but her soul, wont let well enough go.
Perfection she will never achieve for she is not headed into the correct direction.
Anger and disappoint in herself seems to effect the progress of her health.
She wants help but too afraid so this being called fear tends to get in the way.
In hopes to cleanse her body of derby of sin
she showers to the the degree of obsession then the sun rises so she repeats her acts all over again.
Signs.
Signs so loud that she can not hear her voice as her lips move
She forgets the sound it makes.
She struggles to breathe as her lungs inhale hate exhale frustration
of how much she types yet nothing is spelt just right.
As if every word misses a letter,
every line misses a word her mind has yet to learn
so she digs deeper hoping to find the words her fingers burn for.
Eyes fixated on scares made to force perfection but she can't see if for she travels in the opposite direction.
Nails grow from undeserving hands,
hands that grew from arms the cradled a being so young in days that his eyes were shaped as small buttons of love.
Love, affection, approached with either she ran in the farthest direction
for if love equaled happiness that would dissolve much like she wished she would everyday she blinked and a reflection of her face was me she didn't want any part of it for it was too much to handle a
perfect definition of imperfection as she.
As she weeps I watch for I know
the person she cries to be nothing a like is me.

There is times I wish we could’ve fixed this mess.
Times when life seemed perfect with you.
Now the numbers have changed on our digital clock and you are no longer mine.
I used to cry all the time praying my heart would agree with my logical mind
yet I have thoughts of being with you come back all the time.
Time.
Funny how I dream to eliminate our last date
yet I can’t shake the emotions that put me into this love/hate relations-
Ship me in a box to far away places so my thoughts can travel beyond me and you.
Seems like I thought I was over you yet the thought of you loving another kills my pride so much animosity that I try hard to hide.
Foolish right?
I’ve moved on but still expect you to be by my side.
Crazy pride.
Can’t have a man and have the other hanging on my side.
Remember the ride?
That roller-coaster of a dream yet it was the reality of us together.
You’d say you love me but show me never.
*** wasn’t a factor
yet I wonder if it would’ve changed the miserable life I live thinking about some other chick housing your kids.
Don’t read too much into this because I don’t want to birth his offspring
I just want us to some how fix things.
Crazy how love rang when while I ignored the logic of staying alone
being with you I strived to focus on other things.
I hate this past love yet I can’t label it a mistake
because without you I’d still want to be the thugs wife
while praying to God to bring them back safe.
My time was *****
yet I repeat again
we were no mistake.

Strolling through life with my
Eyelids clinched shut
For my vision failed my heart in the past.
See because my last,
Was a cheap bootleg of a man
For at first glace he looked like the perfection of romance.
His words rolled off tongues between soft lips of lies
That kissed gently the ends of his deceit
Crossing all his t’s and dotting all his i’s.
His actions some how stuck in repeat.
Never show up, wont return calls, and then gift her with affection
Just so her mindset of going into another direction
Won’t reach her feet.
The memo to run away before another night of tearful eyes
That info never reached the logical part of the brain for she
Was too overwhelmed that this one clamed love.
The idea was beyond horizons of pride for swallowing  
True beliefs she remained his main
Chick. Fell in love with the idea she was the one he came home with.
When in light she was just his midnight hype.
Somehow wrong felt oh so right.
He knew her love was beyond that wifey type
But he couldn’t stay faithful for more than the nights
He lay in between her vision of everything.
Love notes she read in repeat just to somehow hold onto a boy that
Would never amount to the love from a man.
She tripped and found love again but this time
Her eyes wont be the one to blame
Maybe this time things will have a chance since this one holds
More than the age of an honest man.

I gave you my all
you gave me less than half.

I gifted my heart
You gave me a free movie pass.

I kiss you goodnight
you hugged me goodbye.

I introduced you to my fam
Your friends think you are single.

You asked for space
I noticed you really wanna be single.

I tired to breakup with you
Yet you knockin at my door
Sayin' you need me
That you've changed,
My hurt is in the past
And you want me to be your first and last
Love.

But you said that same thing the last time you
were so "in love" with the girl next door
that is now the neighborhood, hood rat *****.

I slam my door
Not knowing you would knock once more.

I cried
You held me tight
begging for me to let you stay the night.
I knew it wasn't right but I needed relief
I needed someone to need me.

I needed you to realize,
I needed you to look into my brown eyes
And stop telling me the simple lies.
Stop telling the guys you just were with me to get in between my thighs
When clearly your telling even more lies.

I haven't givin you anything but my heart
You know the one that you are causing all this ache to
The same heart that you say you need too
The same heart you threw away the day you wanted to be single for a day?

I question your loyalty on daily
I wonder if there are more girls you call your baby.
I want to know the answer to so many questions
but I lack the strength to handle the truth that i scream I need from you.

I know you have groupies
I've convinced myself I am the only lady
Your body aches for.
The only girl you crave for.

Knowing the truth lays in my lap
I ignore that.

I just know you wont bring that ***** back
into our home
I can hear her moan
As if they are my own.

I realize as I am crying,
Cuddling my pillow,
The screams I hear are real.

I step into my living room
To see that this dream is not a dream, this ish is real.

I can no longer conceal my rage
I scream
Go on a full out rampage!

I fought you till the lights and sirens
apear.
Now before the judge I have no fear.


I can't believe your blood is left burning on my hands.
He was a sorry example of a man.
I'm glad he is no longer on anyones hands.

Writing poems on crinkled paper so the mind wont forget lines.
scheduling him on calendars so I wont forget he is mine,
quality time, a needed break from the constant stress that
causes earthquake, headaches.
Body shakes.
I tremble as beats stop,
Holding onto air for no breathing soul seems to care
That my lungs will no longer accept air.
Carbon fells empty lungs of pain
leaving just enough oxogen to sustain life on the same Earth
That gave birth to troubled minds and sickness
Am I supposed to feel grateful for this constant distress,
this nonstop pain that I just can't escape
while the media continues to ****
My idea of beauty for all to see?
While they tell me to be thinner
you all think I'm sick because bones is what my body
should seek?
Wanna take a peek of all the pain that I self infect?
Wanna view the person under the clothes so you can judge my soul?
Release your raft so I may cry more within,
Like words are not weapons that we are all equipped with
Like your negative **** is some necessary gift.
Explain me this,
Why do you read lines just so you can repeat
to some other misguided soul you meet?
Words are cheap unless followed by the moving of feet
left, right, then repeat.

You call this space my mind
I call this space prison.
Something like a prism with chains
I attempt to escape but everyday my life remains the same.
What a shame,
How I repeat yesterday but expect things to change.
I clasped on walls of water
While I cried into concrete emotions
A foolish past
Yet we strive for us to remain because deep rooted is our fear of change.
If things changed then our emotions would switch
I would realize that this its for me and I’d back out this mess and leave.
Then where would we be?
Somewhere happiness existed
Leaving this miserable mindset behind
How Love can be so hurtful
Causing us to constantly cry.
How about I put aside pride
So we can take a step to the right?
How about I admit to the world my imperfections…
One
I trust no one for once upon a time a guy lied
Two
I dream of being the model of perfection
But somehow I ran into the wrong direction
Three
I dream of the relationship where you’d understand that I fear
Sharing space with a man
Four
Four….
I can’t believe I’m letting this list escape my mind and seep through my small lips
Face this.
Lets continue…
I hate the way I love so intense
I roll up life and worry myself to death
Until I explode like this.
This list is not complete but I can’t let you have all of me
For you might try to use my imperfections against me.
Let the rumors die
For this soul that lives inside isn’t separate from the sin of my pride.

To eat or not to eat that is the question?
Seems like the journey to the answer is the source of my depression.
Obsession.
Stressed out.
No doubt.
This is hell.
Touch the bones
As we speak in playful tones about my ill pains
Seems as if everyday I struggle with the same thing.
This disorder has me in chains
Doing strange things for minor relief
Crazy how thirteen years of grief
Yet I still count the calories of air
Combing out hair
The stress causes the remains of my life to break into pieces
Slices of happiness never lasts seems as I’m bathing in my own blood bath
The challenge is to finish last
Slow down the binge
Eat normal like your friends
Repeat.
Think I can break habit just because it’s the right thing to do?
You think I enjoy this relationship with food?
I’d divorce my past and marry your future if it meant I’d be okay
But I remain in this mess I began when they told I’d be fat again.
Tell a friend
I let weight meet me again.
Feels like a sin to some how feel joy.
**** the dreams of this skinny beast.
Hug the cookies and drink the wine
This is the cry of a disordered mind.
Welcome to my inner thoughts
My illness greets you.
Leave your sanity at the door for you wont need that silly thing anymore.
Now eat until you can’t move then starve yourself times two.
Make the grades because if you’re intelligent then they remain away
Telling you how much they wish their body looked like mine
Silly envy I here all the time
I wonder if they knew my fears
Would they escape?
But much like me,
Once you figure things out it’s much too late.

Love oozed out of your skin.
That caring soul within penetrated my heart.
While I inhaled that love into my lungs
As this love traveled through my veins
I prayed this love for me I’d be able to spread one day.
Some how I’d be the Angel you were to me
Wish you didn’t have to live in my memories
I dreamed that God gave you back to me
But some foreign place of enchanted perfection
Seems too much like the wrong direction.
Too many steps in life
I couldn’t have taken them all right.
I couldn’t have loved someone more than I loved he
Too bad you are no longer beside me
Now only DNA runs inside me
I’m not implying you are not above my head
Given me hints on how to correct my wrongs
I just wish you could be here to catch me before I fall.
Physically
I need your touch
I miss the closeness between us.
The insiders that kept the world away
I was “Granddaddy’s baby”
Your pride
My joy
I cried not for your absence because you’ll never leave
I just wish I could still tug on your sleeve.
I can still see you in my smile
Remember how we’d smile together?
I do.
Remember how you’d pull me aside when I tried to run and hide?
I do.
Remember when I’d tell you a story with no end and you beg me to tell it over and over yet over again?
I do.
I can recall our relationships down to the second because
You were my joy
More than my Granddad
My best friend.
My heart. My soul.
My Grandfather.
In loving memory of Thomas Smoot

Sip this.
Now smoke that.
You are too skinny so eat that
So you can gain
Here are some pills so you can numb the pain
Feel alone as the rest of us feel so we can dance to this song together
Lets forget that this illness kills and while we take these pills
Our soul remains hollow
Our sadness never ends for this perfect body we see
Is not the one the world sees
The image in our mind is to be a lot less than the average
More successful than one human can manage
While burning the flesh filled mistakes
In between blunts from the past
As we sip from the death of tomorrows glass.
Pass the self-pity
Don’t forget the stress the depression
The lost minds of the disordered
The found sorrow of the falling
Sip this
Now smoke that
Now throw up faith and hope
While you suffocate on the control that penetrates
The empty veins that line the bones
Give me the jars of our empty souls
As we write down numbers of scale goals.
Life holds new journeys for people that struggle
But the issue lives within
The city limits that the disorder mind lives in.

I wish my hands would formulate the perfect poem.
One that would prove I'm not insane and this emptiness I feel wont go in vain.
As if I wake up depressed so I pray yet wake up in the same state as yesterdays.
I know I fear if I don't change that my existence will be a memory
People will have to look at photos to remember me.
Following the formate of old ways that I figured out failed earlier days,
Life's funny that way.
The insight I saw yesterday doesn't fit the same.
I know I'm ashamed but I keep repeating rituals anyway
for if i break habit things might go astray from my dreams.
Like my success is closer than it seems so if I could just fix this after I reach my dreams
I promise I'll focus on getting better.
This is not as easy at one would think.
If one act could fix this hole I put myself in I'd do it till my sorrow within matched the smile
I put on faces so I can pretend that this is the perfect situation when it's really a tragedy
that this controls my morality.
Raise eyebrows then.
Wondering what could be so hard for me to grasp
Take a look at how she is framed
Realize this is not a racial thang that the color of my skin doesn't mean
I don't feel pressured to be thin.
Withholding my deepest coldest thoughts within
Amazing how this poem some how felt like a sin
To put paper to pen and tell the world what I'm struggling to win
a race I once was first place in.
Satisfaction, concentration, I have neither.
Maybe this is it,
Just what I needed to cut this loose from the tight grip it has on
a girl without tags but seems like the cost of her life is dependent on
the numbers her jeans read.
Her tags bleed lies as though her mind hypnotized by the obsession of small thighs,
with smaller size.
Brown eyes hide what sorrow she feeds inside
wondering every night if this time she will die.
My thoughts some fairly tale dream that mothers pray their daughters never live
while me I pray that I open my eyes and this time not just to cry when I'm alone at night.

Them stories about times are rough
People telling you don't give up
While rent is due
Your paycheck is never enough.
Family dependent on your strength so you "man up"
and tuck whatever emotions you have away.
Reminding yourself there will be better days,
Times will change,
as long as days are long and nights are dark
Nothing stays the same.
Holding on to what little pride is left
So packing away memories of defeat
And times when you only had the two shoes underneath your feet
Along with a dream of famous people you will meet.
Struggle to make it
Tell mom when you do that the world is what she will receive from you.  
Relaxation is the key for you... But you wont do
For time waits on no one
While man made clocks rewind
Wishing this was the last time I wrote a poem
With myself in mind.
Decline---
your request to be the reason
my heart pumps blood through my vain
And knowing soon this feeling too shall change
While still my dreams to be the greatest remands

Crazy is how i Fall for you daily.
Fact is I get butterflies every time we speak
Seems like my resistance for love is tolerating the idea
of you having a piece
Of my heart
for when we are apart,
I dream of you as if you were to my right
holding hands never felt like a lasting band till the very second
I smiled with my eyes locked onto yours.
The very lines that remind me I'm only yours.
I wanted to write the perfect love poem but the words escape me
Emotions race me till the only words I speak are ones of you.  
Never thought this would be me,
getting so caught up in someone that poems pump through me like heart beats
This strong like thing i can dig it.
This romance thing I enjoy it.

I want to write the perfect poem to describe how I feel
but I'm afraid that the words to construct this poem escape me.
I can't explain this but Baby this is real.
No more dreaming of days b/c it is now reality
No longer a fantasy
In that "lets stay together forever" mentality.
In this spaceship of dreams I seem to be forever your lady.
Floating in this space of fantasy I can feel you standing next to me.
Your voice tickles my ears as I saver every word
As if I spoke them myself I repeat every line
As if time would cheat me out of minutes with you
I hold on to arms around me longer
Wanting you to release your every desire
While the wood burns our fiery love.
We admire a white dove of belief as if this a sign of everlasting
Enjoying the seconds past excitement wanting more.
Wanting our souls to dance to music unsung
Sing words unwritten
For this what we share is unknown for if this is love
I’ve never known this before.
Everyone in my past didn’t finish last so I hope this time
Wont be like my past because I want this to last.

Pick a corner,
you’ll find me,
praying to God no one notices me.
Under depression while I passionately hug my obsession.
Contemplating if it’s worth the fight to stay sober through the night. No drugs just me to face the ugly truth of my imperfection,
the flithy reality that I’ll never be in control
of this beast that eats
away at the emptiness while I strive to be thin I mirror the skeleton beneath my skin.
Funny how tight I can hold the truth deep within.
Between lies and smiles
I seem to be recovered
while I’m a functioning addicted to my drug of choice
I would be number one in line if it ment rewinding time
just so I could eat the frist meal I skipped.
Asking myself would this end this trip?
Will never know now because I’m neck deep in this quick sand
with a crowd of friends holding my hand
screaming to me as I fade away into the life I gave away.

If I saw myself as God saw me
Id understand that everything I go through isn't just for me.
Id accept that this journey though hard It was chosen for me.
Id see myself in a greater light than the deem one I use to read.
If I saw the beauty of these words through God's eyes
Id picture my future bigger than my dreams
And know nothing is a horrible as It all seems
That life isn't meant to be a cake walk and my temptation is never more than I can bare.
That the blessings of my sadness is so I can appreciate the beauty of the rainbows.
my sorrows wont last forever
And the love He has for me ends, never.
And I can smile even through my stormy weather.

Whether or not you believe it true this is the way God sees you too.
Love thou heart that is given to me
and before I die allow me to spread His love and peace.
Rest my soul in His hand for I give Him my faith
My life I trust in His hands.
Allow me not to breathe evil thoughts
while giving you the praise
Give me permission to be the vessel
To save the world from the demons
The devil gave them lies
while leading them to defeat
Strengthen me so I can lead them too your heavens
Your Golden gates.
Remove my selfish ways and replace them with
A heart like Yours,
Full of Love and Grace.
No one can replace
The God I serve
For He is great.

As if the weather dictates my emotions I feel sorrow the same way.
As if my life is captured in a raindrop
caught with the wind I too drift away.
I too am cold to the touch and can be unpredictable.
Unstable
and as flowing as maple syrup fresh from the trees.
Frozen fingers clinch broken glass as I try to mirror my past
beyond the crystals that are imprisoned behind this defeated soul. Nothing more peaceful than the rain
because I can imagine things changed,
can imagine my life being a positive thing.
Too bad along with the rain my thoughts will dry up
as the sun shows up and the heat rises.
Look into the horizon
so you can see the beauty I see when the rain dries up
and once again I’m no longer a dream.

crazy how you can write and read and
it bleeds "truth"
Screams "you"
Breathes "fool"
Cries "she" then "he"
Whispers "help"
Funny how poetry connects you to me when we've never met before.
Never set eyes on mine or just said a simple hi.
I live off of my beliefs that somehow your emotions are common to me
Something that we can call a romantic reality.
Some untold love story of lovers that never met.
My faithful readers I've never chatted with.
Cry for the need to connect with someone like you that can relate
Not a  romantic movie date but just a second to meditate on life
Just a Scream or a chance to ask why.
Love how poetry involves the spirit and the mind.

Poetry and my life went hand in hand for years.
Broke bread together and shed a few tears
Held meetings on how my feelings melted at the sight of change.
Even thought out strategies to ease me into things.
Funny how they connected yet somehow were totally different
Crazy how they needed one another to speak
while I sat clueless to how I needed them just to be me.
Judge me for the simple things and scold me for the complex
I don't need you around to know that my life is compacted with stress
yet I wouldn't, couldn't exist without all the small worries
For if life was free from challenges I would forget how happiness felt.
If there were no storms to rain on my parades I wouldn't be as thankful
As I am today.
Thankful I'm alive
Give the glory to Him
Without His vision I wouldn't strive to mirror the love He gave me
Wonder were I'd stand if God hadn't held my hand.

You've managed to turn a women of substance into this,
An angry mess.
Questing my sanity
If these words I say are reality.
This insomniac scream
My mental state is unknown
for the reasons I'm insane is unknown  
Temper of the young one is full grown.
I thought I divorced you but you return with new form of abuse.
Does it humor you that I can not sleep?
Do you feel accomplished that my thoughts are all on you?
How does it feel to still have your hold on my heart?
Do you enjoy knowing I am still in pain
The simple fact I can't gain
Or is this the result of recovery pains?
Either way life doesn't feel the same.
I wonder after you done with me will my body still look the same.
pondering what your next move will be because it's apparent you still controlling me.
Foolish me
I thought I could live without you.
I can't live with or without you I'm stuck
I want to say I give up because I've had enough.

Clothe me with your will so my body wont be exposed to the evil that surrounds.
Silence my voice so I can hear what you speak to me now.
Lead me to your desires while blinding me from the crude behavior of the sinful.
Hinder my flesh from the advice of the fallen
Allow my body to be the lamp while your word shine through my soul.
Give me Patience for your plan as you work ahead I give you the glory for all things that come
All trials that set forth I give to you with a heart fill with faith
A soul lives without worries, without regret
without the rejection that non-believers throw my way.
Be my feet so you may lead the way.
Be my eyes so I may recognize evil ways when it lay before me.
Humble me so I never put myself before you.
All hands connect to another to give praise to you.

Look at me.
Am I not to feel the pain just because the importance behind my name?
Am I supposed to cry for my feeling belong hidden far beyond my pride?
The public eye pokes at my life as if I'm already dead
Records how many hours I spend in my bed.
My dreams no longer my own I had to pay society to get time alone.
Just moments to blink to realize that I let my thoughts drowned in sorrow
No solid ground to stand upon so my fingers grip the sides of death and life.
WAking up to days unable to keep track of the time for every clock
eyes connect to the hands are far behind the correct amount
Only thing increasing is my bank account.
The dollar signs more than success
their presence are the reasons for her stress.
Unable to understand her life just yet she sinks into the piles of cash
and gives the public a smile as if only expression I can express.
The world can never know I posses a silly emotion like stress.

Release me in a poet's dream
So I may view life through eyes I've never seen
Gift me the power to withstand the judgement of the fallen
Stand with the faithful and true hearted.
Open my mind to thoughts I'd never imagined before
Demolish my boundaries the world placed around my soul
Give me the ability to travel beyond my goals
For I want to fly above the influence of the masses
I want my glasses to be more than half full but whole full.
Full of all the knowledge that no man has known before.
I want to know your heart and hear your voice even when I'm screaming to loud
I want to distinguish your needs from my wants
I need to feel your touch on my shoulder guiding me through my challenges.
I want to pray so much I forget when I began
so I began to say the prayer again.
I never want to forget that you created me for a reason
Not to sin but to do your will with the good you planted with in, my heart.
Leave my heart to beat to drums you conduct
Lead my feet on the path you intended for me.
Allow me not to be so lazy as to numb myself of memories
for all the enemies you saved my sinful body from.
Give me a voice so loud that all may hear of the how good you are.
Give me words so profound that the illiterate may read the words you write through me.
But most important give me the ability to never forget the definition of LOVE which is you,
This gift can only be gifted by a God so great as you.