perhaps I'm just alice walking sideways & upsides downsides through this rabbit hole
not a downfall, a ****** to the core of the earth
but an upfall (make me bright, I can see colour & roses) to the dimension
where the creatures have
stainless steel hearts
nobody ever hurts
unless the queen begs to differ
when her corset is revealed to be
suffocating her wicked waist
the jabberwocky seeks vengeance & a chance to breathe fire
"off with her head," is the threat from the enemy
but an escape is in sight
a little locked door
chesire smiles' a menacing grin
a crescent moon in the black night
it doesn't matter where you go if you don't know where you're going
a cake platter with "eat me" on a card in front
home? what is that?
tweedledee & tweedledum
mad hattee, tea, dormouse
and an unbirthday anthem sung
lacking gravity or worldly law
along the dining table for the quirks
and fablesome creatures of wonderland

-cj

Eyes have minds
that our brains cannot always
reign over
They widen, smile, darken, well up, roll
They give us away with the batting of lash or lowering of gaze

-cj

A wild honey orchid mess
and other phrases that swirl
in my psyche
like a crazed ballet

-cj

officialism
and
verisimilitude,
lovelies,
the melody of summer
the hauntings of past halves and ghosts
anticipation for newness, phases
of seventeen numerals and choral capacity,  sweaters to survive cold classrooms
but the people never heal you
the scar stays the same

-cj

You're too old to be so shy
yet too young to know love
in its ice capes
and moss peaks
wanting
longing
short years full
of endless months
just wondering
when the good
will begin
and put me in a trance
that I refuse
to be shaken out of

-cj

Sheer heartbreak breeds **** good poetry
And without the pain, numbness occupies the corners that bliss once nestled in
He's gone
but he is never gone from within me,
for he is there in constant pulse
like a final mantra
I utter to fetch the remains of
this existence which spins out
moments of gambling fever,
like risky love affairs I hide
in my youth weeks
I will miss and pine
for his lips on mine
were the haven I resort to
in every hour, if only in longing retrospect
It's real, it's here
This is my poetry

-cj

Original plans decay
sweat replaces the goosebumps
go, stay, with whom do I travel?
obstruction and the scare
a loss of innocence and oil
but watching him stand over
the hood, in the heatwaves
swindled by my hopes
cold water plastic
cards envy
lovely pretension
tears on the velvet bed

-cj

Sea of consciousness, waves
down then lift
words sound foreign
the light unwelcome
delving under then up
realisation is an ocean rock
against your skin

-cj

Does the aching beauty of it haunt you
in that pleasant dreamsome way
Like the facets of a diamond we carved to make this moment infinite, if just for tonight
Were you happy
Are you still, even if you're wanting it again again again again (today- tomorrow- next day)
And if you are
know that
the beauty aches for you
and is haunted by your presence
every waking hour

-cj

Homesickness
the sheer vulnerability
cornered by the shelter of lovers
My kin and the clouds
chestfulmindedness
green pillow furrows the mature feathers in my hair

-cj

Some say it's just a song
But to me
It's an insane little fragment of me and some of you, the heartbreak and absolute madness I created from my bitter yet not fruitless experience

-cj

Nights such as tonight
the stars serve as reminders
of all the lights I haven't been
blinded by yet

-cj

I suppose this weak art is the
part I don't choose to ignore
It kind of wakes me up
It's like purple chairs in the old greentree house with the red shutters
It's my days jumbled in sequence
Like these dreams align from
a long long time before
I have time
I have to have more time
to do what the clock strikes within me

-cj

she glances in mirrors
a geometric façade hems her shoulders to her ribs
the moon bleeds white in phases
crescent makes for the chesire cat smile, she sleeps to the silent sounds of it
gibbous, waning, waxing
all hallowed to the eclipsing snowy veil of it
she passes the reflection of her own skin
the light in the night shows it for her

-cj

Chamomile heartbeats, wash ashore the memory,
It's bound to my brain
(He's cryptic)
Dreamcatcher captures, feathers speak of summer nights
and still I implore the definition of what our blood means to one another, on the eve of your cornered youth
It's ending, but halting in me, it's a screeching tire sensation, while I am myself there are dozens of others charading within
Cryptic love,
forsake me

-cj

Valentine's Day giddiness
catalysed by the semi hand-holding
and the nervous kisses that
hallow the romantic amateurity
of junior high

Then high school,
the brick-walled hell of september's
The pressure
The hormones
The naked need
for warmth and
an unkillable desire
to lose the one thing
to gain another

But in the end
It's all the same
We want love
(need it)
to survive

Those who live without it
are the poor skeletons
without the fellow heart
to bleed with, side by side

And for those of us who find it,
find that wondrous facet of existence,
the indescribable absolute, love

Our pulses race and minds helplessly
spiral into oblivion to the others
when the one is there

-cj

The grey ghost
shuffled in between their aces and queens
ignoring you amidst their gamble
Was it ever any different?

-cj

The music was in my brain
How keen it spun its figure eights in my head
It was a nice gesture, for I had smoothed the ice for a skate of notes from within and from the mountains and department stores and black skies

-cj

When something isn't right
it's all wrong
A ruthless rubik's cube effect
and the fear manifests itself
in waves
Those culprits that mount
and eventually subside
But some of it
never goes with the rest
It gets under your skin
and ultimately
your body will defy you
The hysteria batters you
from the inside out
And it's all to blame on
that one wrong thing

-cj

I live my life so as to escape it
Her hair was in a braid,
Her heart was at war
Just as sullen as things were before

-cj

I suppose I wouldn't mind waking up to turquoise skies
painted outside the window
When I'm dreaming of you,
I sing to the mirror like I am serenading a paramour
but it is nonchalant, almost fearless,
with my voice still in a tumble of organs and sleepy phlegm,
finding its way out
My fingers turn the faucet on, and the sink streams water out with the slight whistle of the pipes in the background
It's the beginnings of morning,
in the sequence that those prime-coloured skies ensure

-cj

She's pale and thoroughly a briarsome beauty, what with her hazeling eyes that blush.
And if there is logic laced in love,
I am a lesbian for her.
Violin case is a silhouette,
body against brick wall.
Waiting.
Something we have in common.
Her skin looks soft, I muse
and her hair smells sweet,
But separate as isles in the sea
we remain.
Logic shatters;
That vain mirror.

-cj

hallowed and punctured
misshapen and desert dry
gambling for smiles wry

-cj

I wrote a haiku, like we did in elementary school
that was forced writing,
syllables counted and not meant
now they are the oars I row with
amidst this sea of gloom
and hormones
and worry

-cj

like a black top grinding into my head
in a swift, soft way that hurt me all the same
then my chest, how it pinched with lovepine
if I'm making sense or not
I don't care
I just know this pattern evolves
and checks me into this hell
where I dwell
on the unrefined me

-cj

absence of fear and hunger,
replaced by the need for time and blundered veins
create this enigma, destroyed by thinking it over
it's a bomb, vulnerable to detailed thought
how to escape
is simple-
love the pieces it has
and forget the ones it lacks

-cj

Clouds descend on the berth that you fled
Both our brains are vexed by the hollowness
Wreck the centre, it's futile
From the flawless rise to the end
If you're inhaling purely yet, you are blessed
Nearly all of us are strangled by ill air
Igniting flames to our souls in leisure
Gathering labels of *******-over paramours
We are the exposed ones, the age of ignorance
Hunting dreams of our fates
Someday we'll unveil what is real
That the lone will vanish before arriving
If your blood is still flowing, you are blessed
Much of our dreams, they are scorched and they have faded
It was the sea that drowned us
You didn't rescue me
Well, I've sent it all into disarray
I'm a breathless visage slipping from your memory
My vision's blurred from the echoes from your lips
Pealing through my mind
When you pierced my heart
If you're drawn close, you are blessed
The rest of us are sleeping alone
Igniting flames to our souls in leisure
To break the knot tied to their name
But I am never without that thread

-cj

I the inevitable longing for touch,
  the presence,  the skin
  the voice of the one
  who had to leave
  despite the logic and honesty
  and dedication to what is best
  these embers cannot be extinguished,
  no matter how hard you try
  to smother them

II inside the confining walls of the car,
    the engine running, heart pounding, and
    lips eager for a match in motion
    pretending that this won't affect
    anything, it won't carry over to
    tomorrow, to next week, till the
    next month

III chemicals in synchronisation with
     desires, but matter defies you, and
     you keep trying though it makes
     you feel utterly hopeless

IV wanting that againagainagain
     retrospect,
     alleyways,
     speeding down that common street

V abandon these worries of breaking
   and just delve into your true desire
   headfirst
   we stand in the woods alone-
   you tell me it cannot happen,
   my eyes beg you to change your mind
   each trying to make the other see our
   theory when all we both need is love

-cj

It began with casual interruptions
An innocent crush
Then the times added up
and the passions became too much to suppress
He stole her
and she let him
Dark cinema love
Illegal desperate love
Few knew the secret
Until it diffused like her perfume into all the classrooms
He was grown, she was young
That didn't stop them
And now he's gone, she's gone
But only in the flesh

-cj

does waking down hallways ever seem like a sob story waiting to happen?
too often their eyes divert to dusty corners
lights shine a little too bright
and the ominous "not" knots in all vessels,
each and every one
it's as if the slices of misery were incorporated into the rainwater and scratchy stereo in the vicinity of the heart, bleeding out

-cj

Taking risks didn't make her feel safe
That wasn't her objective
Wild beatings of her heart,
an adrenaline pulsing through her veins,
an undeniable sensation of being alive,
convinced her that she was
finally living
Sights, sounds, speaking without fear
It was a waking up from the comatose state she had been victim to before now
Even the whites of her eyes agreed
No surrenders necessary,
only breaths and smiles
A new kind of existing

-cj

Trying to be brave
collecting these crystals
of nerve to act
with pure adrenaline
twisting my lungs into braids
and when you are
loosened, laughter cycles out
a tension in the knees,
followed by weakness
maps couldn't lead me to you,
but my core knows where
you are, an intuition I
swallow with ice cold water
attempts to defy fear
that fuses within
sputter into the rain you
drive in,
a wasted blue hot firelight
at least I tried

-cj

like a mouth camouflaged among the trees,
I was undetectable among the others:
silent, hidden,
no colours to catch the light

-cj

seventeen candles
and a calendar of semi-regreta
prancing on the table
amidst the pure emptiness of the moment
talent bleeds for nothing
(abide with the sky and all will be fine)
red shutters on the houses
and violets in the green by the road
numbers blur into a mirage of senseless digits,
the air reminds why
days spent in fear, months wasted on heartbreak
that made everything come into place
so blow out candles, you're too old to be so shy
that boy you love is october's favourite medium
until the midnight smothers the embers,
breathe in the quaint dozen plus five fires at your lips
it's seventeen candles, not seventeen knives

-cj

It's just thoughts
superfluous packaging
included with this veiny pink brain
circles taint my skull with their patterns of travel
to **** them is to vanquish my spirit, my own life
until they are released from their cage
and written, or whispered, or etched
all between my ears is lovely chemical chaos

-cj

Can anyone live as freely as lady madonna?
she gave birth to the lord, the saviour
and if she happened to deceive or insult or covet
could god really say she was guilty?

-cj

I will trust you with all my crystallised ideals, escaping my throat with my broken chariot voice
sleuthing amongst our pasts, while wanting to be in each others' present, now, tomorrow, and the next day
this trust is a fragile thing
I cannot give it to anyone
nurture it, light my eyes, touch my hands, dance with my sleeping body
the sun frames your beauty into this work of art, this black haired god, and you don't notice the rays
but I always do
trust me with your heart and hands and swallow your pride, desert your logic, and put your hands on my waist
as you surrender
to this forbidden kiss

-cj

The divine inevitable remnants of the past,
how we'd know them anywhere
we carry them every place we go, not a day
goes by without them
don't try to forget
it's not a curse
just a glimpse of miserable nothings
don't run away from them,
even if they at times hold you captive
for they turn your covering to steel
not lacking in feeling, but stronger than
the wool that once embedded your being
it is how we become

-cj

Our angles do not meet
crossing outward, fiercely jutting lines
everyday everysingleday
my madness grows with every breath
Each tear, a cell out of place
The blankness of this space
it's bright and its a creep
It's only loving me to a slight degree
that I need
I don't want to forget the original heart that beat
As we lose youth we gain something else
an ache for the nights we spent in ****** restlessness
The blankness of this space
it's bright and it's a creep
It's only loving me to a slight degree
that I need

-cj

this is my anthem of negative three
beneath the frosty pine
it is buried, underneath the tree
beware of the blizzard approaching you
seek the candles in the dark
I meant to make my mark
so you are lead to me again
is this real?
my longing and faith in august are still breathing
winds make this north, then south
but you're coming from the west and I'm coming from the east so we'll meet halfway
I'll define and rekindle this fire
and its smoke will guide you
back to me
is this real?
this is my anthem of negative three
buried beneath the pine tree
the ice covers it like
mittens on your hands
the hands that hold mine so tight

-cj

let's run away
in the middle of the night
what you want is what I need
seclude ourselves from every trace of the city
and we merely
inhale and exhale
breathe in and breathe out
you're a bird
so I'm one too
I will never leave your side

-cj

I want to be more than the withered branch
left from the rose's home
hurricanes stir the wind and foster this season of fear
briars, thorns, violet eyes
(remember me from our divine start)

-cj

hide, bury, mask
the covers a cloak for the skin
reach out to clutch the inverted silhouette
no sounds to send through the space
columns in the shallows, an absence of light

-cj

eyes witness a sharp beauty
hands bleed from wringing
tumble, wrap, secure thy veins
before your tongue gets tied in knots
speak in spite of the twisted among your teeth
perhaps an innocent part within
slows the birth of desire, the forbidden fruit
young but knowing pain, feeling cherry-stem-tied inside

-cj

further along from that friday
early, late, is it just a ruse
craving the past, i was brave then
verbal nerve catalyst (heart beats wild down staircase)
are we the same,  impartial neighbours,  somewhat lovers
walking past each other in silence?

-cj

I solitude II lovers III crowd IV everyone
standing alone, caught in bitter fever of III's halls
I me myself and I tell myself it's only some hours more until he and I become II
IV likes to stare, but I am no compass, the direction I am taking is toward Aurora Borealis and mountains
the II in the III convince I of my clear ****** method
when IV knows I do not experiment
I II III IV who can show me the exit?

-cj

burned into the paths we tread
are these dots, big and black
drag your feet, and they are
connected but your continuous tracks
you never really cared for change
unless you made it happen
the zig zags, the diagonals, the dips and plunges
the robotic transformations
it's all lines and points
a graphic view of these phases
take it back to the origin, trace the way to the present
and pray you don't get lost in the nostalgic vines that encumber you on the way

-cj

rests on your tongue and melts all the while
even your eyes' movements make me feel like a child
sickly sweet, the salt tears I try to quell
mistake this youthful paradise with loveless hell
and i'll keep waiting for you
you know I will
I can't **** these restless bouts within me
nor can you
swallowing squinting hinting at kissing, all alive

-cj

Double red left arrow and the emotion inside is visible
Music deafens the nonexistent but reverbreverbreverb
All in stereo, the truth, how I cope
Tell my mother because I won't

-cj

she's scratching to see blood
an inevitable happenstance
it's framed and hung over her head, over her bed
as she lays in it throbbing and howling

-cj