It induces physical reactions within me
i.e. lurches of the heart
I decided to be happy again
And not live in limbo

-c.j.

Just wandering in emotional wonderland
How is the weather, you asked
Mad, with torrential rains every few yards
Sounds a bit frightening, you said
Oh, it is-but also devastatingly beautiful

-c.j.

Dickinson dashes, cummings crimes
Not made nor committed for a pound nor a dime
Whether telegram-minded or scramble-thoughted
Their work is theirs, regardless of fortune or heirs

-c.j.

Neither Babylon's ***** nor Mother Mary
No, not the one who is quite contrary
For in her grows not a garden but a king
But who am I to say that divine thing
Sins, scarlet, red as blood
Turned white as snow, as wool
Yet still remains that poison-seed
Which reminds me and reminds me of my wicked deed
Pure, I am, but not have I always been-
"The devil finds work for idle hands to do"
Neither downtrodden in dirt nor radiant as sun
These tryings, becoming fruitful, turn me to the One

-c.j.

Enough of the amourous, February's far
Speak of the little bells instead
Ringing then clanging around in my head
Because it is said that when one writes
of the trouble, it can dissipate, be silenced
If only that were true of love, our blood,
and dew
Whose images forever stay and turn us blue

-c.j.

While I type to you about pigeons
and you talk about an article
with my subject's first syllable,
just spoken differently,
our walls crumble
a Berlin sight
Caught in the east, I am liberal
and arts
You claim to be only a sum of your parts
So here is me proving you wrong
Sending the lyrics to a trampled-down song
Eleventh hours soothe the night
Letting our minds get our breathing right
I'm sorry for my preoccupations
My lover, he was an alcoholic
I'm sorry for all of the poetry, too
Which probably only puzzles and bothers and unsanctifies you
It's the least, it's the most, it's the worst kind of best I can do
Underneath it all, my parts are few
So subtract and add and pull me apart
That way I'll know I own a tangible heart

-c.j.

Greetings, superficial
Question with an immediate answer
While I don't mean to impose
I'd like to not be the one who goes
Sliding glass, our metaphor
Cold night versus perfect morning
Yes, I see you, I always see you
And oh, how it has troubled and
fulfilled me
Conclusions, never reached
We only know that we know each other

-c.j.

His face in sunlight
It's become a paradigm
This is in no way a genesis
We've seen too many days
But, you, my dear, are
the reason for the paradigm shift
And you have no idea

-c.j.

Searching for the forty-ninth state
Seven times seven, known for its parallel
Except she couldn't be more crooked
At first, prejudices tainted most thoughts
But then those white tulips in the backseat
are more than evidence, they are answers
Escape the labyrinth? but how?
Straight and fast-the notes in the margin
They still search, but their consciences have quieted
Escape the labyrinth? here is how:
Through and through

-c.j.

Maybe I fell for the man in your letters
The artist in denial
Perhaps the east mesmerised me further
and the greyer things snapped me back
Deceit is an art, too, you know
and you cannot practise it on me
Let the liquor lay in past places, so you
can become the man, not just his traces

-c.j.

You make me feel soft again and I thank
you for that
I went so long hating myself, but when
that summer came, you said the
honest things that stirred something
like happiness inside
For this I thank you, also
Months that saw me befriend cold
tiles and seemingly empty sheets
See, they are past, they are gone
You are now, you are here
Thank you, thank you, thank you

-c.j.

Who is god anyway? I've never heard
his voice or seen his face on the streets
He might as well be a silent ghost
People always tell me that he loves me
but I don't even know his name
Sometimes I wish he'd leap out of my
closet and scare me just to show me
that he's real and I can stop writing
of unsolved mysteries

-c.j.

You're something else
Hold my face in your hand, it's the
only way I'll remain whole
Why aren't you leaving, why isn't
your foot in the door
Why must I feel like every disaster before

To cry in your bed was
the last thing I wanted
But you, with your bedroom eyes,
your loud awful incredible eyes
Told me I was something else
Not someone else,
something else

-c.j.

Do you have wild theories about existence
Have you ever cried because you were so happy

I don't know-

I just want to know more about you

Maybe

You taunting creature

Goodnight, beautiful

-c.j.

Rebellion never tasted so good
These are the things I thought I knew, I sing
Plagiarising the familiar, sewing it on my tongue
We crept, locked doors, did the unwriteable

Did I really know before
When we're on the phone you playfully tell me
It was all a ploy, a clever ruse, me saying I had
so much to say
You stay on the line anyway

It gets better, they told us, and you pinned your
dream to your body
I told you, now you can relax with snowcapped
mountains on your chest
And you said, I will, but I would prefer you

Do you like staring at the back of my head
While everyone talks about law and confusing
things I typically ignore
Glancing back to you is my favourite part
We study the statue and then I leave to
read sonnets, you depart with the others to the water
The library feels empty without you

Remember when we were looking through old
cassette tapes and CDs and I put my hand on top
of yours for the first time?
That was rebellion, too
After lonely, after relapse after relapse
I found a light
and I held onto it

-c.j.

My love is gone to war
Against himself, the past
How soon is your last day?
Letters are not contraband
And I thank each star for this
Because, you know, before you
I knew not bliss

-c.j.

I don't know what joy is and I don't think I ever did
I starved for the inches
And my lengths and widths became careless

-c.j.

If we don't have trees, what will we have?
I search the archives, come up blank
Each other, you answer
And the kiss that follows is evergreen

-c.j.

Streets have even learned my mantra-
"My heart is heavy, but my will is strong"
I recall the way your eyes made everything
go still
Like wires we climb with autumn,
putting our fingers up to the windowsill
We are scared of love, yes
But love should be scared of us

-c.j.

In fading blue you told me,
"as the clock ticks slow, my heart slowly flares,
knowing that I'm in here, and you might not
be there"
Now we rest in beige and cream,
as I remind you that "any fight is
a spark of life"

-c.j.

No façades
We're socialists
Stuck in that Shakespeare dimension
Thee, thou, thy
Do you see the cracks in the sky?
I'd stand on the balcony, waiting for you
If the doors were not always locked

-c.j.

I don't know what it is but I don't remember the
last time I just sat in silence
I don't know why I'm scared by the inside of
my mind
But for some reason I'm terrified of what could be hiding in my head
I honestly don't know
I just took out my headphones one day
and realised that I really didn't want to

Want to what, she asks

Stop listening to the outside and start listening to the inside
Maybe I'm scared I won't like myself or something

If you changed, or had new thoughts, she inquires

If I figured out who I really was right now

To which she replies,

That sounds kind of like a beautiful thing-
Everything is a metaphor,
Every song creates a kingdom inside of me
How will I make it through this life
Let alone tomorrow or this week
At this rate, I'll burst before I graduate

'Tis a burden and a blessing

And everything echoes with hope

-c.j.

I'm in the nation's capital
And it feels like the centre of the universe
Everyone drinks their coffee and ingores
each other, the cold nipping at the
skin exposed slightly beneath their sweaters
Is that where it all happens?
Do the things they decide there affect me?
The buildings' windows are transparent
WANTED signs, and I look up at them
somewhat admirably
I don't know whether I love or hate
this country
It is either great or evil, and the extremes
polarise further with my continuing to see
people people people people
They crowd the centre of the universe

-c.j.

I was scared of it, scared of you
Did you know the shutters' shaking hymns
coming within me, they were all for you?
We learned to detect lies and speak and
cover our boxes with musical skin
Is this the end? No, we have yet to begin

-c.j.

I fell for the boy with a thorn in his side
And for once I had full faith that I could
pluck it out
Our implicit parts catch in the fingers
Dare we let them seep through?
Let sharpness cut

-c.j.

Weird part is I don't feel any guilt
Most just copy and paste, it becomes boring
Why why why among a trillion bits, currents
Needing help or a peace or a soft drink
Fizzy bubbles inside to catch tenderly
I like weird parts, I think

Mum likes to shove concepts
down my throat and Dad lets her
They tell me to smile about it
And make everyone else want it
It can take a while to see through cobwebs

-cj

Theirs was a love anyone would envy
It's a shock when he tells me about a hiatus, and I hold my breath
Apparently the past isn't so put away
Disorder will follow, there are few exceptions
You decided to go to the hospital, the hospital for your head
She feels no empathy, your type calmly shows
A sociopath, she may be
It scares me but artists must look for artists
Especially when collaboration has kept both alive a little longer
It's hard because I can't say, feel better, be happy, she is coming back
They are lies within truth I thought I knew
The letters you wrote her, I received, as well
To see and hear your pain and voice was the least I could do
Only months ago were poems that made even a stranger swell
Like lights going on, inside
I'm not sure my advice was any help, but you asked for it anyway
We're alike, my friend, and not just art can show that
We love so hard, so deep, that our bones shake
Our rhymes get flustered, we turn to collection for safety, a series of undeniable sadnesses, histories
Feel better, be happy, she may be coming back
After all, hell is long yet love knows how to attack

-cj

Alone I walk in violet halls today
Without a breath the air condemns my mouth
How lungs collect the myths of everyone
No matter season, colour, or cause
What if the sky could see us now, I said
Our lies entangled in its gasping blue
The mistaken hue to jangle, restless

-cj

It's liberating, really
That subject suffocates me
You understand with tainted certainty
Enlightening hunger for what, we don't know

-cj

Collecting words is dangerous
but losing them is more so
A fatal flaw, to let them get away
Yes, the ink stains, and love's majority
is unrequited
Don't obscure the beauty it breathes
in its time, young one
Allow the better things to stay once
all else has escaped

-cj

May I see the rain, she asked the teacher politely
No, the teacher replied, the thunder in her voice
A frown and smothered protest
Nothing to quench the thirst but thoughts of drops, descending, bending time
A truly sad tale, to be remembered in every storm

-cj

About certain metaphors my senses become leaky
Can you hear me trickle
With these phrases my limbs tremble like awkward syllable dances
Night is especially prone to this phenomenon, morning is clueless
Friends don't know so empathy is dry
Care to listen to ramblings of the dead come alive, print on a page
Even if I'm denied of that, they never could make me feel less than every feeling compounded

-cj

Morals clung to me and nipped at my shoulders more than I held onto them
Perhaps what is good and what is bad is undefined, at least in my little mind
He told me a bible on the ground was bad luck, and I laughed and squinted at pretend omens
Do you believe that, I asked when he muttered, in the beginning god created the heavens and the earth
I don't know, he said, and we knew that we both didn't particularly want to

-cj

Treat me like you would your fingernails
Bite me without pause, a nervous, natural cause
Let me peel your fruit's skin, tear its precious flesh
Study me often, even when there are prettier sights to see
Press me into you when there's that itch
I become ***** and sharp, but you know how to fix me
Put me up to your head and run me through your hair
Attached to your hands, a naughty awakening you can't escape

-cj

whether or not we fall asleep in your bed
won't cure nor break this
but how sweet it would be
to share the sheets, rest our minds, quicken our hearts
because it's safer to be tucked away
unscrutinised
the ceiling sees us, we see each other
it all feels right
as we sleep questionless and answerless

-cj

Who knew one could rhyme with such ease
Surely the timing was merely a tease
To plot, to spot, to tumble down the parts, a feeling of locked up spirits and twisted smarts
If this is rocket science, hand me a pen, for a career in the space field I must sign to again

-cj

What can we expect but to be hurt by love
After all, that which is good must end badly
A truly terrible law
So run from the one who makes you go weak
It will save you time and give you mystique

-cj

But I tried, I tried so hard, and for nothing
Cheap, wasted, no returns
Not even a pretty little compensation
What did I expect
Your head was full of air when mine was abuzz with dictionaries

-cj

Ashtrays
So that's where your casual soul lounges
Don't mind my stare
I'm just in awe
At the blatant disregard for
the facts, the proof
Hard, cold evidence
That comes from burning
your lungs
You will suffer
after those short
sparks and highs

-cj

He looks elsewhere when he talks & thinks about it
and I want to gaze in this way
for a while
The magnet of something
The poles are just the cores of us as humans
But the hands forcing the pull apart
are the ugly fingers of legality

-cj

Cut into rubber
then young skin
and like a ******
I bled
a lake of lustless blood
rubies liquefied into
the agent that has me
reeling & paling
I am a stupid little girl
who hurts herself
at each opportunity
like these knives
are tempting rumours
to spread
instead of duties calling
work, work, for the day is ailing
and the worst is neverending

-cj

elongate the hair strands, comb it downward to enhance its lengthening,
humour it with red, autumn colour
make it beautiful

multiply the diameter of my eyes
enlarge their oval spans,
darken & thicken the lashes that adorn the pupils & irises
make them beautiful

shrink the nose, straighten out its flawed slant
carve out the dead skin cells that reside in these pores
cleanse, make whole & alive
make it beautiful

white pearls for teeth, collect the stones from the sea, the clams in the bucket, saved just for me
for I have always wanted an enticing smile
redden my lips & tell me to pout
so the kissful temptations will surely start
make that beautiful

plant my bosoms in the soil & water them so they may blossom upon my fruitless chest
or better yet
toss them & roll them in flour
sugarcoat the skin
& cover my heart again with the ****** flesh you molded
make them beautiful

take this waist & spin it like a top,
watch the extraneous float off like air
skim shave settle once the slim figurine I desire is real before you
make that beautiful

these thighs are indescribable
charlatans, at a price
not for sale, but for myself
they weigh in differently at the times & places & ways that they either belong or stand without a name
make them beautiful

don't forget to look into my window blues,
gaze at me in a trance
because I don't really mind if they're from before or after this transformation
you are what the sun is to roses & what rain is to their roots
& when I kneel down to water her petals, red white pink
you whisper to me,
"make them beautiful"

-cj

The girl who sees through their games
The lies thick like ash but fragile as spiderwebs
She falls prey to their snares
Because she is human
And therefore weak
And vulnerable
She is polluted with the alluring smoke clouds of harlots mania wine & gold
Her eyes are darker in this state of blindness
A trance, an illusion
Her heart knocks on her mind's door
And she swallows her pride like the spoonful of medicine & no sugar she is fed by reality
But her heaven, her home
Is truth & light & purity
And it is within her again
Returning
And filtering out
The toxicity of
Frivolous cataract-inducing filth

-cj

Has money become your god?
Beauty your saving grace?
For if these are the figures you trust & bleed & scream & fight over
You will be in deep regret when the day comes that your deity runs out

-cj

Those whose colour is fierce & ripe, with life life alive & loud its petals boast while the subtle dark blooms of the midnight garden speak of the slutty shades of its beholder's eyes

-cj

Problems with pride
slighting the audience or crowd surrounding with your eyes only looking forward
to your dire black screen
where the feathers are strewn in a careless pattern
but the wings themselves are aligned to the mirrors at angles so keen they scream in impatience at the wait
letmeoutofthisbody for pride swallows me
I want to be adored I seek that and self-love, against loathing
letmeout

-cj

It's not quite morning yet
The night is fading, its plum and dark fruit watercolours are drunken by the sun
like a rewinding cassette tape

-cj

I want what the renowned writers brag of
The sleeplessness, pacing, but it's there, it's been there all along, it's just breaking out of its host
Eyes rest on the bruiselike crescents beneath them
It's the life that the story is stealing from its teller
But the death never comes in full, because that's when the end happens and feeds relief to the writer's veins

-cj

come near me again?
yes, that is what made me heal
or maybe I am too naiive to realise it caused my wounds to fester
how you ran your fingers through my hair
and kissed my neck
that august night
a breaking within
and a stitching of our threads
just the minutes concoct
this poison that will infuse my blood with the death of those willowy weeks or
an antidote, whose amber drops numb
then sway my bones to the sounds of
pure love and brown eyes in the dark

-cj