while the older kids threw parties,
we threw darts
mathematics held us hostage every school night
numbers spiralling endlessly, halves unloved
halves must divide
tug-of-war, playground trivialities
kids of the wear-and-tear
worry the other kind to pray when
the day meanders

-c.j.

the bells rang to alert the heavens
of earth's whereabouts
watery evening oratory has tinged
allegiances to rightness blue with tears
recent tales amplify the heaviness
of every word
will echoes offer heat, take away the
ruthless blizzards, will they?

-c.j.

late running in on your silver steed
ride with grace, no desire to race
harsh fences to admire with dull eyes
entry devils whisk away troublesome friends
hanging red tulips, divine nuisances
growing weary reading subliminal stanzas
yielding, or instead, risking loss,
to appear perfect

-c.j.

the world without pillows is a world dreamless
destitute waiting and insecure pacing
wild, wise tempers
the world without dreams is a world joyless
deadened weight along icy ports
while work thrives elsewhere

-c.j.

sometimes you are a vessel
the mortar to the pestle
caved into with striking stirs,
said to ease the pain
promise to envelop the stories, sire
seclude, win it carefully
place two thoughts mixed together,
very alarmingly awake, yet soft
section your art away, vandals to ****** tomorrow
to pacify critick's images
with swift severe style that eats the pile up

-c.j.

this queen has been pushed from her throne
lies apparent, the integrity of the crown vanquished
the common girl, the one with the blue eyes
and singing voice, had the man this queen,
partially evil, desired-
as ruler of the kingdom she would
and could do as she pleased,
exercising her power to a terrifying extent,
until the twigs snapped loudly in the night
and though this common girl did not replace
her and take on the royal title, she possessed
more than this queen could ever wish for;
love

-c.j.

curtains tremble at her presence
the consequence of the remarkable
angle of her bitterest smile

-c.j.

calm is the sea in March,
wild is it in June
combined with honeysuckle
and a major key
the disposition fared well
and escaped its fate as hell

standing solely on the white sand,
watching children with dandelion folks
and unbrushed golden hair
considering whether I craved the solar intellect,
to taste its fury

rain drowned me in April
and May did not dry me out
inside I played a minor key
that I believe played in heaven

-c.j.

tomorrow, take me to the unfamiliar
until the months are blacked out in
the whites of my eyes

subtitles reveal:
the moon cried, but no poison
came to her rescue
because they saw the diagnosis
as a blessing and that's why
she ran away

and of course it was strange
she preferred quaking to waking
today, steal me away to anywhere
untangled spiderwebs tend to twist
their way back to the entwined
symphony of silk

-c.j.

we thought we were crumpled, but
it was just the autumn leaves' disillusionment

though you said there was corruption
evident in its darting gaze
and earthquake hands

I was only price, pearls, indecision
perhaps I was picking flowers
with a numb hand

do the shards matter more than the whole?
petals pulled and tossed with precision
he mistook her for a flower

-c.j.

though you are faster than me,
I find beauty in the slowness I embrace
you tell me we are only strong when
the winds are weak

and you caution
occasionally the sun burns too bright,
and his brilliance is frequently obscured
but you tend to shed light through
your prism, despite lacking shameless retrograde

you say what lies beneath the ground
is deceitful, and o Rose, you are planted in it
and then I saw a peculiar violet light

-c.j.

the end of the semester matched with the cold
school was plain and the fields in our eyes
were white

we wrote essays on idealism for the A
planning with spontaneity
craving the warmth made;
snowless trees or eastern timber
the evitable obscured; thick, surreal, mouths
wit turned clueless, so to pretend
almost taken for imagined oaths expressing
willed waking

when wonder expels our innermosts,
forgiving our aforementions
pure window secrets connect the maps
stretched tight over each thought

-c.j.

platonic autumn, I'll never forget it
the waxing cold and waning patience-
the other whom I thought was timely
and exactly mine
escaped his cell in a right way but
turned out to be a criminal, he who
stole my heart and planted his ideology
in, writing little novels recalling the start

he escaped because I let him
and you, you were always there
you were there when he wasn't
warning me against falling for the
notorious figure, the superficial god
letting me speak and listening to my
rambling about my stupidity once
it all became clear, the awful hoax
autumn became winter, when I was
with you most

the clock in your room reads six thirty,
never moving, but of course, time has passed,
and fooled and mesmerised and changed us,
and everything

-c.j.

my life was hell, you know that
but you make me feel like I matter
maybe in luckless fights, maybe mistakes
yet better than killing yearnings
how we listen, mercifully
my chest is swelling, but in a good way
and I look you in the eyes and say

I'm in love with you, I'm in love with you
and you told me you love me, too

you have put me through both heaven and hell
and I have come to believe that every minute
of it was worth it

-c.j.

go ahead and act like
we aren't all synaesthesiacs
like the colours don't remind
and numbers don't become
we can deny our tendencies,
our clingings
as if the monochromatic
one-dimension will get
us through

-c.j.

she descends the stairs
and he remains on the landing
both linger, telepathetic moments
written on that invisible wall
with intimate totals of wonder
militant, the outside try to terrify,
to augment the doubt
lengthen the halves- but
all superstition dies in that second

-c.j.

we defy the cold times
tethered, crowned, together, deep winter
a kinder resemblance, I say
severed illusions ricochet,
kindling a watercolour
distance tightens caresses tonight
to creep, to dance
we will do it all
remembering every dim light

-c.j.

narrow couch to lay across
carpet for stepping and losing loss

walls around to capture chords
roof above to hear our words

eyes to speak and hands to touch
mouths that move and lips that hush

ears that yearn and lungs that wait
arms that hold and smiles a little late

songs that know and films that show
confessions that cause our hearts to glow

-c.j.

once, my mum and dad told me to stop writing
writing is not something to stop, or cause to be discontinued, it still happens, whether or not the hands are working
apologies for rebellion are futile, since words and meaning circle me, leaving no reason to preserve the lack

it only stops when you're dead
and then, it speeds up

-c.j.

he sings dashboard confessional to me,
strumming his guitar and looking at me with those knowing eyes
yet they still ****, they still have much to see about me
I always wear blue

-c.j.

that summer I set fire to the books I had read before
I felt hungry and filled my body with meat and sugar and anything else good
that summer I slipped my old journals into a box, which now collects dust
I make my own memories now, they do not make me

that summer the hunger showed me so many things, I could not begin to explain them
I ate and slept and walked and read new books, and saw new people
that summer I met my love
I make my own travels now, and they complete me

-c.j.

when one boy kisses you and forgets your name the next day,
you can be sad that day
you can
but the next day, you find that other boy, the boy who looks at you like you are magick
and learn that you are not a library book to be checked out and shoved under the bed
he will love you, remember your name, he will be there the next day and the day after that and after that and after that

-c.j.

he refuses to pretend-
that stops me hard in my summer sidewalk tracks
his voice creates mountains in my chest
mountains my breath doesn't mind climbing

I refuse to question the sunrise anymore
a simple talk quickens the revelation
I can make dreams bring more mountains

because he refuses to pretend
I stopped, too

-c.j.

I believe there is nothing more stagnant than the devil's work
I believe there is nothing prettier than brushing him off
be still, still my soul
do not move even if time tells you to

-c.j.

Pacified, left on a street corner,
with December stillness in her eyes
Her mouth could not begin to contain
a mere cliché, its distaste for foolish
reminders of current surrounding speech
was strong as infrared,
though she'd say, "the other will speak in statistics
while all that spills from my mouth
are fallacious metaphors"

But he'd reply, "you intrigue me so,
with your blotted out sentences for scars,
and pretty oceans for eyes"
Looking for fragile lips to hold,
midnight and midday

-c.j.

Tightest knots swallow the air,
winter begging for recompense
Surrender the envelopes addressed
to you, give them up to the fire
Begin again

-c.j.

Her mind and mouth reveal:
It was he who threw the rocks,
It was he who initiated our little balcony scene,
It was he who changed my eyes from
blind to seeing

-c.j.

Cathedrals still speak of you-
Photographs yell our names
in every language
We occur so frequently,
and when we do,
oceans applaud

-c.j.

The thing is,
when you tremble,
your art
won't shake

-c.j.

Perhaps we were too young
to understand the implications,
but too old to ignore them

Oh, infatuation-
how it smothers us in violet flame

Soft is the sound of me leaving,
yet within these walls echoes
something loud and wicked;
it inspires blood

Your endless holiday will not leave, however,
nor will you miss the allure you possess
You undressed the concealed beauty of me
I had thought plain

I had no idea what I was getting into-
mania with fainting spells
at just the wrong intervals,
and unrequited love,
and all the ire therein

Despite this, I hear, always,
"Entire cities shook for your sake, darling;
the least you can do is smile"

-c.j.

I fell asleep whispering your name
and woke doing the same
Have you choked on the sun?
I am sketching needy hearts into my hands
and rescuing dreams with tea leaves
Hopeful, wanting, hoping, wantful
Mountains converge
and our lips are
so far apart
Perhaps, this time, they are real wounds
disguised as fleshy hyperboles
Written about restlessly, melted candles
with congealed memory resting on the desk
The spinning cups on the table;
that is us, dear, that is us

-c.j.

The arrow pointed west,
the heart aimed east
The body went up, down, north, south,
pacing in the corridors

Adolescent wolves chase the myth,
it is this they run endlessly for
Blocked in prisms of light,
pounding on walls for heartless dark

Under the moon they cry, and she shows
no mercy
She refuses to acknowledge her dimness
compared to her competitor

With little gleamings she tells them,
This entanglement takes place after dark-
when the sun cannot feed you

-c.j.

These happenings couldn't dissipate
Love wasn't water
It could not evapourate, become another form
It just was
Terrors arose from our fingertips,
Storms in closed palms
Shifting diamonds, flightless constructs
Every sun we saw screamed of destinies awaiting
Oh, there are no parallels- only jagged almosts

-c.j.

Alas, the infamous ritardando
Where the outrageous and the mild concur
Brittle as the music was, each pulse sang with bliss
As quiet operas performed in our rebellious, shut mouths
Slow love beats with broken chords
and we partake shamelessly
We dance until we confuse stars
with lights on the low ceiling
We can kiss to the sound of cassette tapes rewinding
There is music even in our silence

-c.j.

She wanted to feel her heart cut out,
and raw, again
Verse after verse, drug after drug
He is subtle about the terrible
aftermath he inevitably brings
And her eyes spoke tales of nothing
chivalrous, only lust and the smell of skin
Only, "protect me from inevitable division"

-c.j.

Brushing up against me, except
a caress isn't as welcome as a whisper

Dragging prehistoric pills into my nose
with the pull of memories that
prefer to stay whispers

It's these desensitised nights
that remind me of what was
once so loud

And loud is quiet to me what is inaudible
to others under yellow spectrum
of silver-gloss, enough in god and
without loss

I swallow the capsule and taste the
nothingness and shake my head to
hear ringing and see other, rarer
colours- ones your eyes could hint at

And to be an ultra-deterrent that
kills without touching the lives it is
bluffing, I cannot suture the fracture
in my future
to be god, no

To be semi-real, perhaps
I am not as prolific as
I pretend to be
Each facet is another winter day
I wish wasn't sunny and mocking me

To be what you define reality,
you are a part of me
And a part of yourself is what
you have let me define
My harbouring hunger havocs soft

And if what I inhale makes me
become transparent, will you still
see me?
What's real isn't what I can reveal,
my dear

Isn't it broken, the alignment in our stars
To shift the glow, evermore
I determine the order
You determine me

Isn't it irreparable, the crackling phenomenon
existing between our gazes
We both know it is, and we love to
fall victim to it,
gracefully or not

-c.j. and Joshua Haines

When it comes to mistakes, I am fluent
I wanted you to plunge a knife into my chest
while kissing my lips with such fervour
I couldn't divide time from space

And envy crept in, by no surprise, taking its time
Eating everything worth smiling for
With the pillows as isles, my hands disrupted
their place in their floating between us

There I was, jumping to conclusions like
the edges don't exist
It hurts still to see it-
The sun swallowed the night in one gulp,
And I was jealous

-c.j.

Where bodies meet, there is deceit
This insomniac rhythm has got us
between stark white and oblivion
A pillow to lay your head,
my dear cuckoo friend

-c.j.

The rich fled from their churches,
their faces flushed
The poor remained in the parks
with the birds squawking at their feet

Blood, fabric, hymns- clashes of humanity with art
When asked about the past, the bravest would utter,
Holy water couldn't save me, all the priests saw me in the flood

So the wind prompted,
Whisper to the deities of troubles, the paradises, the wars;
hear them shiver

When the authorities passed by
the laity revealed,
They told us to confess that we were wicked in nature, sinners from birth but we always liked the thought of innate good

-c.j.

Do you confide in your window glare
or is it your enemy?
You're breathing in numbers
and little decimals ***** the lungs

I want to say, as we drip we blossom
That the smoke will lift, and when it does, the sky will pale and remember all the terrible apparitions it enveloped

Do you believe in a beginning or is the middle enough for you?
I am clutching the thought of you
in a dozen mirrors at once

-c.j.

Completely awake, without qualms
Yet halfway to lovelessness
Pure unlike the trying music
And clear as an inkless bell
While they are striped with accidental brambles, thickets, and other cruel beauties
As I once was

Then, petrified by black and white film,
Tasting not salt nor sugar but ambivalence
Now, I remember how the foreign world rippled
The mountains shifted- they stood still
There were questions in the seafoam until
Thunder shook its pattern

However much I long to say,
Embrace me; forget the day
My mother reminds me that I am
Blossoming, young, omnipresent
With shields of sun and pieces of moon
Visible in my eyes
Which tell the mirror,
She is of age, but she is not of age

-c.j.

A question mark is our eternal punctuation
Under our initials added up to an undeterminable sum
Green lights were once desirable
But that red was much too fast
Fiction, we're surrounded by fiction
And books are so loud
But we are quiet
And we are real

-c.j.

You haven't stolen my heart
You've stuck a sewing needle in it
And run away

-c.j.

Do you know what I wish, she asks
He waits, she turns to him with the
speed of her irregular heart
I wish I was innocent, she says
After a minute he breathes and tells her,
You still are, in your desire to be

-c.j.

He didn't know what sylvania meant
But I knew it had something to do with forests
Something we learned in class last year
Despite your forgetting a definition made of wood,
Your mind is growing keener than one's should
I act all dry and logical as a cover to avoid the limelight, you confess
You're failing, then, I say
You're luminous

-c.j.

But, yes, you will endure,
and one day if your heart is heavier than
it is today,
you will endure that

-c.j.

So last night was a full moon
and tonight is a full moon
You know what that means?

The moon is an insomniac?

No, it means it is a blue moon

Are you trying to inspire me?

Inspire you to do what?

I don't know, list all the hues of blue
and paint our lunar friend?

-c.j.

You just wanted to be able to cry again
Earlier you were at your most miserable
I take note
He hasn't cried since June
and tears stream down my face this very moment

-c.j.

I'm not one to give up
and you tell me you can live with that
You guess that I haven't given up my crusade
The one that makes you all the more alluring
I believe that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all
You shouldn't treat us like we are time bombs
Though it appears all is fair in love and war
Something within keeps me knocking on your door, over and over
You tell me you will always deal with my madness
You believe I would do the same for you
I already have been, I say
And you reply, that's why I believe that you would

-c.j.

My chest feels hollow a lot, so I wonder
what truths would come out of it,
they said
They had asked, what is reliable to you?
And I said, innate truths that bleed
in your chest
What makes something real, they ask
That's something I've been trying to figure out for a while, I say
So you've been in love, they inquire
So my heart tells me, I reply
I yearn for asteroid belts and pluto,
alas dreams I have surrendered,
they mention after a pause
Oh, dear rune, don't think yourself
so ancient

-c.j.