how is it
that i held onto him for so long
waiting, waiting
for a sign of recognition
attraction
and it was an endless cycle of disappointment
anger
resentment
but i stuck with the false hope of him
that maybe,
somehow,
we'd be together
and when it ended
when he had finally put out my fire
you came along and called me beautiful
and i thought
to myself
how it was awfully ironic
that everything we want
comes when we aren't looking for it

i'm not addicted to you.
i'm addicted to the way you make me feel.

you were an angel
and i gave you wings
expecting you to soar farther
deeper
into love with me

but the next day
i woke up alone
and realized
you had used them to fly away

i hate growing up in an age
where it's normal to constantly put yourself down
and make a joke out of it.

anxiety is romanticized
like it's somehow "cool"
to struggle with a mental illness.

if you don't hate yourself,
it's unusual.
they tell you to stop being so full of yourself.

i'm really trying to love myself.
i didn't know it would be this hard.
my mind keeps insisting i'm not
good enough for this world.

so the only thing i can rely on is
the hope of a brighter future
away from the place i'm in now.

far, far away.

the world is full of
second-hand smoke
in the form of
violence
hatred
cruelty
and i try not to breathe it in
yet if it's going on
right next to you
there's nothing you can do
so i inhale deeply
and pray
the toxins don't go
to my brain

how do you know when you're in love? is it something you decide? do you wake up and proclaim that this is the day you're going to fall?

no.

you feel it in their fingertips, brushing yours.
you feel it in their gaze, gently washing over you.
sometimes it's a tone, a deeper voice, a more careful speech. almost as if they carefully chose every word, rolling off their tongue and into your mind.
it's when they build a home in your head and you become starry-eyed with affection, for they know they are all you can think about.
you wake up with him, eat breakfast with him, brush your teeth with him - for he has been so far engrained in you that you are one with him. hearts beat in sync, step by step, kiss by kiss.
with every uttered phrase, insignificant glance, small touch... he pulls you deeper in love.

how do you know when you're out of love? i suppose if you're the breaker, you come prepared.

your eyes don't meet as your lips barely graze each other.
speech becomes a communication, not a connection.
his lips meet for a smile, yet his eyes hold back a million thoughts.
didn't he use to share those thoughts with you? now they linger, unsaid, left hanging.
the words "how are you" become a courtesy, not a conversation. when did he stop caring about your day, and when did he become so concerned with his manners?

if he's trying to impress you again, he no longer feels connected.
if he knew you, he would feel comfortable.
now, he's worried about his manners.

is that when you fall out of love? when communication becomes a courtesy, not a connection?

and to think
i was foolish enough
to believe
in the word trust
because
if there's no trust
there's no us
and look where we are
now

in a world full of broken beauty
i wanted to write about my angel of happiness

i wake up with him by my side
knowing he'll never leave me

he actually enjoys my company
and sometimes i think he loves me
more than he loves himself

he loves to spend time with me
it doesn't matter what we do
as long as we're together

he kisses me often
and there are few things he loves more than cuddling

every night i go to sleep with him
wondering how i got so lucky

my dog.

how can i go from
happiness to sadness
in a minute
i feel like nothing is right
and it makes me physically sick
that i am the way i am
a waste of space
who comes into people's lives
and clings to them
as if i have no respect
for myself
compromising myself to please
people i don't even like