Every time, I'm disappointed
I shouldn't be, because it means I care too much about you.
You couldn't control it and even if you could, it doesn't matter
You've already done too much for me,

*But I'm selfish

From spinning galaxies colliding in intergalactic bursts of light traveling millions of miles every hour, to dying stars fueling the birth and rebirth of new civilizations and planets, of new life, of new beginnings, from the infinite multidimensional plane of the universe that's the palate for these swirls of light and heat
To the intricate workings and cognitive enigmas of love, the springs and cogs of joy, the blackened cogs of sorrow, covered in soot
To the formation of billions of these unending universes that, in time will flourish or wither...
The distances between these universes are huge, yet traveling these wide expanses take trillionths of billionths of seconds, and the celestial dance between universes of ideas, galaxies of concepts, black holes of love and despair, quasars pulsing pure energy everywhere, everything coming together in a spectacular array of light and heat...universes within universes spin and dance in my brain and neurons fire as galaxies die, pathways travelled as planets are born, and nerve endings stimulated as supernovas fueling them...all of this for one idea. Millions upon millions of universes are born and die in my head, and because of it the universe doesn't seem so small..after all, billions exist in our brains.
Yet, in all of that, these dazzling arrays of light are compressed into infinitesimally tiny spaces...it's not surprising that something's lost in the process.
It's amazing to think that so much is in our heads, that so much happened in our heads for us to realize so much happens in our heads, that  so much happens for such simple ideas...the sheer amazement that should be felt is painfully lacking.
The perfection of the stars is lost on paper.

Something's lost, between the beginning of a universe, the birth of new stars and systems, and between our final actions. It's lost in translation.

I have entire galaxies in my head, but I speak mere stars.

What you don't know kills me,
And it's far too late to say.
My feelings are a stupid thing,
They've always been that way.

Holding back tears is always hard,
Especially in front of you.
Looking into your eyes I see stars,
But with you, I always do.

Today I had to say goodbye,
I've never been good at it.
No matter how hard I try,
I'll always cry a bit.

I shouldn't miss you as much as I do,
Even though my departure is nigh.
But if our friendship is good and true,
I needn't worry-why should I?

Today, I remembered
What it was like to see your face
How you were cute when you were angry
Why I loved you...
But of course, it's too late.

So I looked up the word hope in the dictionary today...

hope |hōp|
A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

Then I decided to read the definition for expectation.

expectation |ˌekspekˈtā sh ən|
A strong belief that something will occur, or will be lived up to.

Then I decided to read the definition for lived.

lived |liv'd|
To have been alive at a specified point in the past.

Then I decided to read the definition for past.

past |past|
The time or a period of time before the moment of speaking or writing.

Then I decided to read the definition for moment.

moment |ˈmōmənt|
An exact point in time.

Then I decided to read the definition for exact.

exact |igˈzakt|
Not approximated in any way; precise.

Now, I don't know if my brain meant to do this or not,
But the first letter of every word I looked up spells *"Help me."

I don't know what to do...


It's pain or suffering
No evil lesser than the other

Am I really that mean?
To deserve this torture?

Is this karma
And I'm that evil?

Or am I just unlucky
And uncared about?


What have I done...?

Sunrise rays peek over the horizon
Illuminating the red-speckled landscape
Swaying in wind, flowing as the sea
Lovely, and symbolic.
The red rose stands out among the tulips and weeds.


Sunrise rays peek into the window,
Illuminating the bedroom in disarray.
The woman wakes up, half in her dream.
She dresses herself up, and leaves for work.
Her red dress stands out among the suits and coats.

Sunrise rays peek into the cave
Illuminating the dusty, smoggy rock
Sparkling and gleaming,
A diamond against coal.
The red jewel stands out among the shale and limestone.

I want to revisit those nights
Way back when
We would stay up until 2
Just talking, laughing effortlessly

That would be the perfect birthday present.

I also want to revisit that night
When we turned from people we knew
into good friends
I don't know exactly when it was,

But that would be the perfect birthday present.


I even want to revisit those nights,
My darkest hours,
Because even in the worst times,
You could make me smile.

That would be the perfect birthday present.


But then I realize
Our friendship is one to last
One I will have
For years to come

*And THAT is the perfect birthday present.

Lower
Lower
Lower
It never stops
It never ceases
It always keeps pulling you down
There is no escape
No break, however brief
Admirably persistent
In its desire to take
All that you know and love
And turn it into all you knew and *loved.

When I see myself in a mirror
I want to carve knives into my body
When I hear my miserable voice
I want to rip out my vocal cords
And when I think about myself
I wish I was never born.

I'm back.
To the gates of hell.
Now, maybe that's being dramatic, but she did fall here.
The center of my life.
The person who completed me.
The person I loved (still do, actually).
She left my life six months later.
To think that in the 4 days preceding the fall, so many memories were created.
Happy ones.
They come flooding back to me now.

Alone in mind, not in presence,
The boy cannot do this.
He has gone on for as long as he could, but the knife isn't enough anymore. No amount of physical pain can distract him from his bleeding heart and howling soul.
He types an email instead of writing it, because his hands shake too hard.
He writes a different one for each person and hits send. Nobody will know until it's too late: the clock reads 3:16 AM, and he's hundreds of miles away. He does handwrite one thing, however: he leaves it on the counter in an envelope, the front of which reads "Mom".

He exits his bedroom, and takes a last look at his surroundings, kisses his sleeping 6 year old sister on the head one last time, and walks to the balcony.
He remembers, two years ago, when she fell.
Fitting, yet ironic, he thinks. that he would leave the same way. He looks at the stars, whispers "Goodbye," and leaps. The cool night air rushes around him momentarily, then-nothing.
.
..
"Hello?" he calls into the nothingness. No answer.
He calls again, with the same result.
Slowly, the painful reality of his situation dawns on him, with horrifying clarity:
This is the afterlife, and it is worse than the real world was.
But it's too late. He can't take it back, and he is doomed to eternal  loneliness and complete nothingness.
*Forever.

You notice how angry I am?
You FINALLY notice that what you did is wrong?
You're "gonna change?"
No you're not.
You're the same creeper, the same stalker.
I didn't mean to tell you anything. I didn't WANT to tell you.
Yet you made me your puppet so you'd keep it quiet.
I'd tell you to **** yourself but you do too much already.

They say brick walls (not physical ones) are there to show how hard we want something.
When I think of who I was this morning, I was a stranger in my body.
To my friends: you didn't help me, you helped me help myself. And today, I did just that.
I don't want to be happy.
I don't want to not see things.
I don't want these things anymore. I've achieved those goals.
And really, why cry over stuff? It's not my fault. You bully me, that's your issue. I'm not going to listen to you talk trash.
I don't see things anymore. Why would I bother focusing on them anyway? They're just there to distract me from life, and life is too short for that.
They also say that intelligent people have more depression-related issues. I'd take intelligence any day, because we're smart enough to (eventually) figure out how to get out of it. And that to me is worth more than just being happy, because I can become happy again if I become depressed. And today, I did just that.
I don't want an optimistic perspective anymore. I achieved that.
Most importantly, I don't want her back anymore. She never left. She was in my heart all along.



Signed,
Formerly pessimistic
Formerly depressed
Formerly schizophrenic
Formerly lost
Skye

Fiery Reds dimming to a glimmering glow in the sky
Clouds stifling their cries with a light rain only slightly quenching the agony the fire left in them
They burn in the moonlight
Jagged scars on the moon giving it a sinister smile,
Invisible to those who see with their eyes
Bright as day to those who know how to look
Causing the shiver down your spine when you're alone at night
The feeling of breath on your neck when nobody is apparently there
The unrelenting fear persisting through the most spectacular of times and the most devastating of events
The loneliness seeps through my eyes
My ears
My nose
My mouth
It's everywhere
Eating me inside and out, destroying all that's left
*Where is the end?

Whether it's her or me,
My thoughts get jumbled on the way out.
My tongue forms intricate knots even the most
Skilled rope expert would be hard pressed to undo.
The silence drags on, and it makes my brain screech
Nothing comes out, what finally does
Is the equivalent of Bieber writing music for Beethoven...and I find
My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.

She doesn't understand
How he loves her....
How she's one of the reasons why he gets up in the morning
How she can put a smile on his face
She doesn't realize how special she is
How his face lights up when he sees hers
And how dazzled he is when she smiles....

He can only hope
That she, someday, may have feelings for him too.

"What did I do wrong?"
The most ironic statement ever, coming from you, you heartbreaker.
I used to love you until I learned what true evil is
It's you.
Every day after you hurt me
I would come home crying, asking myself
"What did I do wrong!?"
And you have the audacity to ask that.
Shut up.

I try to smile
I really do,
But it's hard if you've lost a best friend (or two)

I try to be happy,
But can't you see?
It's hard if you've lost a best friend (or three)

I try not to cry,
And I've said this before,
But it's hard if you've lost a best friend (or four)

I try not to hate myself
But as you can derive,
It's hard if you've lost a best friend (or five)

I try to trust you,
But you can predict,
It's hard if you've lost a best friend (or six)

Are you being honest?
Or are you telling me what you think I want to hear?

Do you think I just don't care?

Don't you see how much it hurts to know you're suffering?

And not be able to do anything about it?

Let me help you...

I know I've made mistakes....
And that's why you don't trust me....
But you deserve happiness....

What do you DON'T deserve is all the suffering you deal with.

I don't think you understand.

When I'm talking to you, my problems are melting away
Because I'm scared for you
And want to help you
If only you'd let me in



But then again
You'd know what's best for you

And I haven't been the best of friends
I've broken your trust and lied to you
I wouldn't trust me if I were in your position right now either.
But I still wish you did....because I care and want to help
But lately every conversation we have leaves me more and more confused about how you're doing.

*Feel better soon!

Open the ornate gates, what do you see?
I see spinning stars and dancing galaxies.
Lower the drawbridge, what do you find?
I find a beautiful place ravaged by time.
Unlock the palace door, what is inside?
I spot rolling green hills stretched far and wide.
Look into my eyes, what lies within?
Inside lies a boy with patience wearing thin.

What do you see? What do you find?
*What within do you think lies inside?

Suicide's too good for me.

I love the rain.
Nobody can tell you've been crying.

Goodbye
I'll miss you, friends.
Goodbye
I'll miss you, computers.
Goodbye
I'll miss you, Hello Poetry.
Goodbye*
I'll miss you all. Every last one of you.

No matter how many times I plead for help, you always ignore me.

No matter how many times I beg you to stop, you keep hurting me.

And no matter how many times I vouch for you, you never care about me.

It's the simplest truths
That I find the most difficult to accept.

No matter what you may say,
About it being fine,
it's really not okay,
And we clearly both know why.

He was on the edge of the world, his world.
Pondering what awaited him...
A single lone tear rolled down his face
He trembled for a moment
Then quietly, he began to write.
In his neatest handwriting, because nobody could read it otherwise
When he was finished, he sealed up the envelope, put it on the table,
and looked in a mirror, at the thing he hated the very most staring back at him
he stared into his own eyes, seeing through them into his own bleeding, screaming soul
Into his cracked, shriveled, and blackened heart
And into his own lost self, that had cried out for help so many times
But when he had help, he lied and lied, but couldn't say why
He had made so many mistakes, he wanted to correct them.
But he was about to make the biggest mistake of them all.
He silently left the house he had called home for 13 years.
The boy decided to walk slowly; for it would be the last time he would do so.

He heard the whispers of the night
through the hearing aids he had been teased far too many times about,
And saw the stars twinkle in the sky
through the eyes that had watered up more times than he could count,
and he breathed the cool summer air
through the mouth that had released sobs, shaky breaths, and cries,
And more tear tracks replaced the first.
He finished his walk, and found a place nobody would find him at
He smiled, a twisted, cracked, and broken smile
And left this world forever.

Little did he know
That when his parents woke up
And saw the envelope on the table
They read it, and tears poured down their face
And his little innocent sister would ask her parents
"Mommy, Daddy, why are you crying?"
"Where's my brother?"
And her parents would try to answer her,
but only more cries would come out.
And everyone, even his bullies,
Would be shocked that one so happy
Could've done such a thing.
And then they would blame themselves.
His friends would become more and more depressed
Some of them taking their own lives too
What he thought would fix his mistakes
Would be the biggest mistake of them all.

What if we took our favorite lines from poems, one line from each poem (one poem from each follower/every liked poem/favorite poems/your own poems/etc), and constructed a coherent poem from the lines? Probably a bad idea, but food for thought.

Nothing to write
Nothing to say
Nothing that inspires
No thoughts gone astray

For weeks on end
I haven't entered this site
Nothing came to mind
I simply could not write.

But now my pen is fresh
With new ink, to stay
Now I have reason to write
Now I have things to say.

Your body was lowered into the ground
Tears poured down my face
My heart, already shattered,
was being pulverized with every beat
The agony was too great
A few weeks later
I failed to **** myself
I failed to join you
I will someday...hopefully soon.

You're different. Distinctly so.
When I first started talking to you, everyone you met was playing the same track on repeat.
I was no exception.
I lost your trust just like everybody else, and I legitimately lost sleep over how much I regretted it.
That didn't change anything, of course.
Why should I be treated different?

I learned a valuable lesson from it. I just wish I hadn't.
Because then I could have learned it later. And known you better.
But that's the thing about lessons-they're effective most if they cause pain.
I'll miss you. Your amazing writing abilities, your sarcasm that was actually funny, your unbelievable dedication to academics..and your running. Because it all tied you together.

I will remember you.
There's no way I couldn't.

There's something missing,
Something lost.
We never speak about it, but we both know it's there.

Something that we both so desperately need.
It's just not fair. It really isn't.
Something that we can help each other with.
Why does everything have to be so wrong?
Something that will make us happy.
Nothing ever goes the way it should.
Something that will solve all our problems.

But it won't happen. And I don't think either of us knows why.

I would try everything
If not for the fact that it's too late.
So I won't bother
It would just be a waste of time.

I'm so sorry for it
One thing after another
Piled like our Italian dinner plates
Him, it, her, everything
And you deserve none of it.
You're one of the closest to perfect beings
I've ever had the pleasure of meeting
I wish I could be there for you
But I just end up being annoying and unhelpful,
And, I might also mention,
Nervous around beautiful people.

I just CANNOT do this anymore.
I can't.
I can't.
I WON'T.
How am I supposed to, when I see things that aren't there?
Have nightmares that last for months?
Have a broken heart?
Have scars from cuts?
I want to die.
*HELP ME

How is it that everyone inside
Goes through the same things...
Yet we hide it because we think
That we are different?

*Impossible...

There's no such thing as a fresh start. You have one chance, only. ***** it up and you can never fix it.

This is the worst possible time
For all this added stress.

There was literally no other way, was there?
This HAD to happen now.

I am indebted to you, truly. For being there when nobody else cared.
For dozens upon dozens of nights filled with suffering, loss, tears, and blood.
For being my go-to listener. For teaching me to help myself and love myself.

Of course, you originally listened. And that's what I needed.
But things got worse. And then you finally told me that it's not enough. I need to actively help myself.
Naturally, I didn't listen although I should have.
It took 3 weeks of no contact for me to realize how ******* RIGHT you were. Of course you were. You always were. And still are.
Of course, I tried to help you too. I was a good ear (even though mine aren't), and over the years we've built a friendship specifically designed to last, if not the rest of our lives, then a VERY long time.
We know each other. But I especially feel privileged.
To have known someone as talented, beautiful, caring, funny, helpful, supportive, independent, and intelligent as you (although you don't really think you're that last one).
Our relationship was more electronic than anything.
For the past three years, I've disliked that more than anything else about our relationship.
But reflecting on it...maybe it was right.
Perhaps it was the only way it would work. We were in only partially connected social groups, and our personalities weren't really well designed for a more face-to-face relationship that I've developed with others.
Looking back on it..I don't think I would have had it any other way.
I cannot thank you enough. I really, truly can't. So I won't bother to try. I will look forward, and only forward, as you've taught me to do.
Because it does get better. We'd both know. We've seen each other grow out of our problems, laugh at them, and then deal with the new ones. Finally, we've reached a point where we're both happy.

Isn't it splendid?
While I will definitely miss seeing you (because hell if I don't find you really attractive), I won't miss you nearly as much as I will miss others.
With others, we talk about how we'll stay in touch, but rarely do we actually do so.
With you, I know I'll keep talking to you. Our relationship will continue to grow, and my departure is perfectly timed-our relationship has reached a level of trust that cannot go much higher (if it did, it'd kinda get really weird and awkward and personal).

So I view this as a bump in the road more than anything else. Our friendship will continue.
And I will remember you. I will remember you as you grow to chase your dreams that seemed light years away but are now in our atmosphere. And with your head in the clouds, it will be comparatively easy.
In short, I love you. I will miss you. I will never forget you.
And I will look forward to a lifetime of correspondence.

The number of things looking up for me today....
I'm not locked in a psych ward and everything went well.
I haven't seen anything that wasn't there so far.
And, I imagine, when I squeeze my eyes shut tonight in wait  for the nightmares, when I open them, it will be morning, and I will not have had nightmares at all.

You were always quiet. Reserved. Cool and collected.

All that went out the window when someone learned who you truly were.

I feel lucky to have learned a fraction of it.
Your writing abilities make me wonder what website you're ripping these from because holy s**t nobody's that good. It always leaves me wanting more.

All good things come to an end, of course. Including my time knowing you.
But I'm going to leave with a lot of regrets from last year.
If I hadn't been so **** stupid, maybe I would've gotten to know you better.
I wish I could have.


Your piano skills are dumbfounding. I think my mouth dropped open and remained that way the entire duration of your song during the talent show.
It makes me sad that you don't play more.

You have given me a fresh set of memories to enjoy. I will cherish them.
And I will remember you. I promise you this. As much as I've broken every other promise, I will keep this one.
I will remember you.
Always.

Bodies start to rack up left and right
Your twisted ideal fueled by might
You're so wrong, you can't be serious
But as I watch you slowly turn delirious
*You can't play God anymore, Light.

I really haven't treated you right. It's unfair.
And yet you still put up w?ith me. I owe you so much.


You've been through hell and back. I wish I were nicer.
Instead I only added to your problems.

You'll shrug it off, say it's okay. But I know it's not.

I will remember you. You were funny, and you were there.
That's all one can truly ask for, isn't it?
You, Sir, will not be forgotten.

When I first met you
You took my breath away
Now it's all I can do
To let you just stay.