My walls are crumbling down
And I'm not stopping them this time.

Because nobody appreciates
how hard I try to keep them up...

Fire, pain and flashes
Screams, cries and moans
Begs for help, begs for mercy
Walls where air should be
Air where walls should be

I'd listen to you
But the voices in my head tell me not to.

The dream I'm so desperately chasing,
My only remaining wish,
The one thing I would die for?
Not going to happen.
It's simple statistics.

The goal so near yet so far,
My only purpose in life,
The one thing I can't live without?
Not going to happen.
It's simple statistics.

The reward unlike any other,
My only hope and dream,
The one thing that actually matters?
Not going to happen.
It's simple statistics.

The most important thing,
My only remaining hope
The one thing I truly need?
Not going to happen.
*It's simple statistics.

One day, I'm begging for help, screaming and crying
Another day, I'm silent, knowing that I don't deserve it.

Thus, I end up getting help when I don't feel I deserve it and not getting it when I desperately need it.

*I hate rollercoasters like that.

Your dreams are where your heart is
They're more fragile than life itself
Over and over you cast them aside,
only to find more
Now, rest in peace
Pounding impulses defile the things we wish for
and the more we forget
the more we remember again
In this beautiful, cruel world
all I can do is ask why we're still alive
Oh, with our strength--and our weakness--
What are we going to protect if there's no sense
to anything anymore?

Start with a bowl of laziness
And some lack of motivation
Mix in with some carelessness
And a ton of procrastination.

Add just a pinch of dumb
And just one dash of cheap
Prepare for what may come
With a profound lack of sleep.

Keep cold for a month
And don’t forget some mean
For now your recipe is done
And will shatter all your dreams.

I don't care about my feelings anymore.


*All I care about is your happiness

Unknown are the names
of the flowers that have been trampled
Birds have fallen to the Earth
and long for the wind
Prayers won't solve anything
Only the will to fight
can change the here and now!
O pigs who laugh at the resolve
to walk over corpses to move forward
Livestock complacency? False prosperity?
Give us the freedom of dying,
starving wolves!
The humiliation of being caged
is what triggers us to fight back
We hunters slaughter prey
beyond the castle walls,
consumed with surging bloodlust,
as our crimson bows and arrows
pierce scarlet holes into the twilight.

Dear Light,
I can't imagine a world without you! It'd be very dark.
You're so Near to the end, and you've been working so hard. You should be more Mello, some would **** for your abilities.
On an unrelated note, have you heard R.E.M. recently? I love them to death! You should try them, even if you don't have an eye for that sort of thing.
I'll love you till the end,
-Misa

Don't judge a book by its cover.
Almost everyone I know
Has a smile on their face
But deep down
They're sad.
Even if they've tricked themselves into thinking otherwise.

...has nothing to do with it.

We were inseparable
And you were ripped away from me
And I miss you
And I need you
And I love you
And I may have to wait 60 years
But we will be joined again
Because I can't live without you
You are both the reason
Why my heart is beating
And why it wants to stop
Because wherever you are
Is my home
*And I want to come home.

I wake up in morning, feeling strong like bear.
I take off shirt to shower, chest is covered in hair.
I brush my teeth with *****, and drink all the rest.
That is the way I know that mother Russia is best.

Why is it
I do something right
And you don't notice
But when I mess up
You never let me forget....

Have you ever wished upon a leaf?
Never ending, never breathing
Never stopping, never ceasing
Whistles and whispers
Red leaves are picked up off the road
The cracked, riveted, chipped road
Made of asphalt and ice
Wiry and spindly
The leaf soars through the air,
Joined by sunset orange and
sunrise yellow counterparts..
Have you ever wished upon a leaf?
Leaf piles bigger than bushes and mounds
Causing laughter abound and high spirits
Getting everywhere, getting damp
Rains pouring with a melancholy force
Petrichor rising from the ground
Filling every orifice with the smell
Have you ever wished upon a leaf?
A last wish, a final wish
Of love, of hope
Of happiness, of success
A meaningful wish, a last-ditch wish
That maybe, in the end, everything
will be okay?

I am struggling to get the words out
They are starting to feel empty, and forced

Poetry shouldn't be like that.

Poetry should be as natural as breathing
As flowing as air currents

It should pour out with power, with purpose
Unrefined, but beautiful
Not in spite of it, but because of it.

And that is getting difficult to do.

Happy birthday...
I love you.
I miss you.
Why can't you stay?
Please come back...

If you're suicidal, keep reading. This highlights my experiences when I was in such a place, and you may find help.

If you're suicidal:
I'm not going to tell you NOT to **** yourself. But I ask that before you do so, at least read this paragraph and attempt some of this advice.

Suicidal thoughts are completely normal. They're caused when pain exceeds the available resources for coping with pain. Naturally, this would cause suicidal thoughts. But it's OKAY.

You're not a bad, weak, or crazy person. Some people have different tolerance levels for pain. It doesn't make you a weak or bad person if you're less tolerant than someone else.
If you're still reading this, good for you :) Stick with me for a little while longer.
When I was suicidal, that was it. There was nothing else that I wanted more than to die.
I wanted to die, die, die.
I'm a worthless person. A stupid person. A horrible person (because no good person would deserve this torture. I'm an abomination, to be wiped clean off the face of the Earth. That's my purpose.
Those were the types of thoughts running through my head, 24/7.
All of those were wrong. And if you believe any of the above apply to yourself, keep reading.
You're not worthless, you're quite the opposite.
You're priceless.
Intelligence doesn't matter a bit compared to personality.
You're not a horrible person. Even if you did something bad, it's not like you killed someone. You are worthy of forgiveness, if you did something. Bad things happen to good people a lot.
If you didn't, then ignore that last part. (Thanks for sticking with me so long :) )
You're not an abomination. You're a unique individual, who has a purpose in life. What is it? That's for you to figure out (hint: it's not killing yourself).
Okay, this is what I recommend you do. Give yourself a deadline. 24 hours, a week, even a month. Tell yourself that you won't do anything until you hit that deadline. During this time, find someone you trust. Anyone (who you know won't go to a therapist or rush you to a hospital). If you REALLY can't find anyone, message me. I'll listen, and I promise I won't judge :)
During the time period, think of all the good things that happened to you. And don't say "Nothing." That's impossible. Summer vacations with family? Family bonding experiences? Hanging out with friends? Your first time swimming? When your sports team won/you found out your crush liked you back? All of these. Think about how happy you were. Now, don't make a plan to get yourself out of the depression (Everyone would get themselves out of a depression ASAP if they could do it that easily). I want you, instead, to imagine what your past-self would think if they saw what you were contemplating right now. Imagine what they would say, and listen to your own advice.
Finally, I recommend calling a suicide hotline.
As a last resort, and I mean LAST resort, imagine what your death would do to your family and friends (Don't lie, I guarantee you 100% there's someone out there who cares about you). Imagine how devastated they would be. Then imagine you causing it. Would you do that to them? Could you honestly live with yourself (no pun intended) knowing that you did that?
If you're still reading, congratulations :) stay strong, and find more resources to cope with your pain. There are so many things to live for, so many things to see, or do, that you (likely) haven't experienced yet.

Feel better soon! :)

(P.S. If this cheers you up, just know that it's likely that you WILL live through this. It's statistically true. Even people who feel as bad as you do, and quite possibly people who feel WORSE than you.)

I always thought it would be funny
If for a day I stopped hiding my scars
I could pretend to be the Joker
and say, "You wanna know how I got these scars?"
And when people look upset I could say "Why so serious?"

This is actually copy pasted from a suicide forum, but it's true.

Self Harm: Before you self harm, Read this
....before you make that first cut remember:
You will enjoy this.
You will find the blood and pain release addictive.
Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep,
And will heal easily ...
They will get deeper.
They will scar.
They will sometimes take months to heal.
And years for the scars to fade.
If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body,
Think again...
It will spread when you run out of skin.
Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
Even if you are the most honest person ever to live ....
You will find yourself lying to the people you love.
You will **** back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.
You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth
of your shirt, or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be.
Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100....Be prepared for your
entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting ..cutting and
covering up cutting.
And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep."
And you freak out because the blood won't stop...
And you are gasping....
And you feel yourself shaking all over.
You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't
tell anyone.
So you sit there alone...
Praying it will be ok swearing you'll never let it go this far
again...
But you will, and further.
Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that
you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
And the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself
spending 20, 30 or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.
You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the
counter to ring up your order.
Butterfly strips...
3 or four different kinds of dressings...
Betadine....
Antibiotic cream..
Medical tape..
Scar reducers.....
You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move
and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.
And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice...
Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same
supplies...
Someone who understands but of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on.
Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe...
Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots... gloves.. the list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a different way...
Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI...
Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone.
You wont even think about it ..
As your eyes scan their wrists + arms...
Hoping just hoping they will be like you....
But they are not.
You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone.
You will always have to wash your laundry in private so know one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.
You will always be cleaning up the blood..
Scrubbing your bathroom floor...
Wiping the blood of your keyboard...
You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting....
Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.
When you get really desperate anything will be a cutting
tool ...scissors...a car key...a needle ... a paperclip..even a pen.
Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will
find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted.
Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops. A
normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch.
Because you will itch and itch ..."so much you will look like you
have fleas or a skin disease."
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully..
You will dream about cutting...
you will dream about being exposed.
It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will
wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting...
At the same time, you love it and can't live with out it...
Note: I'm hypocritical to send this, but it still needs to be sent. It actually got really far for me before I told someone and was told to stop and I finally did.

Sometimes, being your friend
Demands a sacrifice
My happiness.
You have to point out
How everything is wrong
Can't you just
LET ME BE HAPPY?!
I'M HAPPY ALMOST NEVER
LET ME ENJOY IT FOR ONCE!

I gaze into your deep eyes with dismay,
Inside I see a lost soul gone astray.

“Anything I can do?” I dare to say,
You shake your head, like you mean to say “nay.”

Deep inside, I can tell that you meant “yay,”
I'm sure that things won’t always be this way.

I notice your hurting, for you I pray,
That you recover fast, with no delay.

I remember the times we used to play,
In the backyard as kids, for the whole day.

You were so happy, but that’s gone away,
Perhaps next time you grin, your cheer will stay.

Dear Mark,
You have an uncanny ability to make me laugh.
So many times I have been in the darkest of places,
To be brought back up by another video of yours.
You thank us, me, for subscribing and supporting you,

But really, you shouldn't be thanking us.

We should be (and are) thanking YOU
For helping us
For saving us
For making us laugh
For making us happy
For making us forget our troubles
For your continued dedication
For your hilarity
For your generosity
*For everything.

Le Chatlier's principle only goes so far-
My system will not return to equilibrium.
There is too much stress-socially, academically.
Emotionally.

*What is one to do?

I can't stop smiling
And it's just for today
But I'm happy
and I'd trade almost anything to stay that way.

Well this is new

You've broken my trust

You hurt me in ways I really didn't think possible
You've shaken my already fragile frame and broken it, shattered it, when I needed you most.

But then again

I was a naïve fool to think this wouldn't happen to me eventually.

I was a naïve fool to think that I could be so trusting.

I was a naïve fool to open up the way I did

I was a naïve fool to think I it wouldn't happen to me at all.

I was a naïve fool to think that I could be trusting at all.

And I was a naïve fool to open up at all.

Thank you for teaching me that lesson.

Bittersweet
My life is an act
I’m not who I say I am
I’m like a smart idiot.
If only you realized
Behind the laughter, jokes and immaturity
Lay a quiet, emotional kid
Who sits outside every day
And watches the sun set,
vibrant orange and brilliant red,
big bands and sharp streaks,
taken directly from a rainbow.
I can only rarely come out of my shell in person
Because cruelty and bullying, cunning and evil
Lie in wait
Waiting to destroy my vulnerable self
and shatter it into a million pieces.

I'm scared
My pain is changing who I am...*for the worse

I have to say, thank you
for the valuable lesson you taught
That I can't trust you too,
That this was all for naught.

I thought you truly cared,
But I was completely wrong,
and my trust won't be repaired,
Although you knew all along.

You used me for self-gain
Of that there is no doubt
And you've caused me much pain,
In our friendship throughout.

*In closing,
The day I trust you again
Will be the day I have sold my soul.

I remember a time when I looked at you and the chocolate brown black holes
of your eyes drew me in,
When I wished to dance among the stars in your brain, tracing constellations
from your neural pathways.
A time when the attraction of your beautifully imperfect face was more powerful than
the most powerful intermolecular forces,
and there was nothing I wanted more than to prove that it isn't ionic bonds that are the strongest, but love.
With you.

Now, there are no stars performing their fiery routine in the depths of your eyes,
no gravity to **** me in past the point of no return, as I used to be.
Nothing.
Empty space is all that remains of the intergalactic event that occurred in my mind.
What happened?


I remember the darkest corners of my universe being filled with temperatures and light in immeasurable quantities,
When I loved you.
When the wires in my brain were shot from the sheer energy of this force.


Now, having been reconstructed, no such forces pass.
My universe is once dark again. Speckled with lights of reason and logic.

As it should be.


I don't know what happened.


But, it's...



*.....finally......

Deep in the meadow
Under the willow
A bed of grass,
A soft green pillow
Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes
And when they open again, the sun will rise.
Here it's safe, here it's warm.
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you.

Deep in the meadow, hidden far away
A cloak of leaves, a moonbeam ray
Forget your woes and let your troubles lay
And when again it's morning, they'll wash away.
Here it's safe, here it's warm.
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you.

Life is a Machine for Pigs
The best of us are
Slaughtered
Sliced
Cooked,
And served
To the worst of us
who are simply ignored
by the torturous
Machine
for Pigs

The best of us
upon The Arrival
of the Machine
Slowly begin
a Dark Descent
A spiral into
Neverending Nightmares
But nobody
is there
To hear
our Cry of Fear.
The worst of us
Are not deemed
fit for the Machine.

and so,
the best of us,
The Lost Souls,
The Last of Us,
are still subjected
To the Machine's
Mental
Ominous
Evil
Lasting
Purgatory
that is the Machine
for Pigs.

Anger at myself, rising to the surface
This is all too familiar
The usual urge to hurt and fight
directed inwards.
I expressed this in a very bad way.
I ruin everything, I'm so dumb.
I've probably lost a friendship
due to my utterly pathetic weakness.
*Can I do anything right?

It's difficult to see through tears.
I would know.

Help me
I mean, I'm okay.
I want to die
I mean, I'm okay.
I can't take this anymore*
I mean, I'm okay.

Hello.
I am your enemy, your "victim."
The ice to your fire, the paper to your scissors,
the blue to your orange.

The point is, I hate you, in case you haven't noticed.
So leave me alone.

Seriously, I cannot take your harsh words anymore.
Go bully someone else.
...****.

I've been reborn.
With a new life, comes a lot of things.
A new perspective.
A new love.
A new hope.
A new dream.
Most importantly:
*A new start.

My sadness has turned into pure anger and fury.
I wonder what will happen next.

I am fragile.
My empty, worthless soul, my very essence,
Could be shattered with a few simple words.

My twisted and cracked heart
Could be pulverized
With ONE simple word.

And my shakily reconstructed self-esteem
Doesn't even need words to be destroyed.
All it needs is one look in the mirror.

Her happy wasn't happy. She didn't have happy.
She had sadness.
Or she had nothingness.
and the nothingness was so much worse than the sadness.
Feeling nothing at all was worse than the most excruciating pain she had ever been through. It tortured her more than all those nights of crying herself to sleep. It ate at her more than all her tormentors' words. And it left more scars than all her cuts.
Her happy wasn't happy.
It was sadness,
because the alternative was  *nothingness.

Ones who are skilled go by unnoticed;
While the unskilled ones get all the attention.
Why is that, I ask?

Words cannot describe my feelings towards you,
Although, hell, I'll certainly try.

I love you.
although, as I used to say so often, "not that way." Purely platonic (as I routinely reassure everyone).
To say you've been a big part of my life is an enormous understatement-
You've been there as long as I can remember.
It's only recently that I've grown to truly appreciate you,
from laughter and jokes via Google in English class
to whispered secrets in orchestra.
You always told me those secrets with a smile on your face, even though
they were impossibly sad.
Why?
Was it because you wanted to look like you were saying something normal?
Or was it because you didn't think you could say it without crying, so you forced yourself to smile?
You saw through me in my darkest hours,
And managed to forgive me time and again.
I owe you so much.
You're beautiful, talented, funny, and strong.
And he  broke  you.
He took your heart.
He cherished it, made you feel important.
And then he shattered it into more pieces than there are stars
(of which you claim to not be good at writing about).
...twice.
And still he ignores you, which requires both arrogance and selfishness at levels so extreme,
Odysseus would tell him to get a grip, and Caesar would be disturbed.
..
And you deserve so much better. I want to remind you of that. He's nothing, he doesn't deserve you and he never will.

To forget you would be a heinous crime,
One I will never be guilty of.
Whether it is tucked away in the expanses of the universe inside my head,
Or stored as ones and zeroes in the conversation records of many a different software, accumulated over the years...
Or in the papers, which you will be in someday, with that kind of writing talent.
How could I possibly forget those chocolate eyes which tell me so much when you tell me so little?
How could I possibly forget those nights in Italy, when everything went to hell and you just couldn't take it?
How could I possibly forget these memories that you've left me? Some of my favorites?
How could I possibly forget you? You beautiful, talented, special, powerful, selfless, kind, funny girl?
I will miss you more than anyone else.
And I will remember you.
When my new dark hours come, I will remember what you have told me.
I promised you, after all. And I keep my promises.



*Especially yours.

A broken heart is like a broken mirror. It's better to leave it broken rather than get hurt trying to fix it.

What is WRONG with people?!
Almost everyone I talk to
Has been in a horrible place
Or currently is
And we all mask it
Because one or two people hurt us
When so many more people need each other
So we suffer in silence
And I'm no stranger to this.

People are just so cruel.
So horrible.
So EVIL.

And even the kind people
make mistakes that hurt
And I've done that too.

But others deliberately hurt.

They cause us to close up.
They cause us to want to die.
They cause us to cry ourselves to sleep.
They cause us to suffer.
And they teach us what will happen if we're open about it.

They need to be punished.
They WILL be punished.
Even if I have to carry it out myself
I swear to everything I hold dearly,

THEY. WILL. NOT. GET. AWAY. WITH. IT. ANYMORE.

I know you don't really care,
It's quite obvious, you see,
But I've fallen into disrepair,
This empty shell that is me.

Could you help me out?
One favor, for old times' sake?
And tell me, without a doubt,
Our friendship wasn't fake?

Well...here I go....
What will happen?
Will I get the help I so desperately need?
Or locked up in a psych ward?

My entire life path
Be free or be suffocated

Decided in less than an hour.

Happy birthday mom
You're always there for me
And I always complain about you
But I have no right to.

You've been nothing but selfless
Nothing but kind
Patient and understanding, but I?
Rude and demeaning.

Thank you so much, and I wish you

A very  happy  birthday.

Don't pick up that knife,
Don't you cut your arm.
Don't try to take your life,
Don't do yourself harm.

I cared about you all along.
I thought you were okay,
Apparently I was wrong,
But it doesn't have to be this way.

I beg you, put that away,
It's not the right thing to do.
I'd know, and for you I pray
That you will make it through.

I've known you for so long,
And I will for many years to come.
So put that knife where it belongs,
And please stop being so glum.

Please just stop this now.
Please don't follow my path.
Please don't make my mistakes.
*Please put that knife away.