Look at you!

I'm angry all the time
Constantly trying to smile
Hiding all the pain that's inside
Twisting and pulling me
Tug of war between
The days where I sob and the days that I scream

Look at you!

Started when you left
When I picked apart
Every little thing that I felt was wrong
When all was right

Look at you!

Asked you if you loved me
You said yes
Things were lovely
Musical
Flowing
You were an angel
Smiled every time I made a joke
Loved me when I needed most
Guided me in all my problems
Lead me out just in time
You led me to a cave of gold
And let me take all the gold I wanted
But I thought I could have more
Thought I deserved more

Look at you!

Asking you
Begging you
Telling you
Ordering you
To tell me that you love me
Tell you that if you don't respond to me once
I'll lose it
Read it wrong
Pick it apart
And end it
Just to show you I'm in control

Look at you!

Convinced myself that you depend on me
Only desire me
Only want me
Only need me
I control you
I own you

Look at you!

You listen to what I say
Without me you are nothing
Don't turn your back on me
I do everything for you
And if you leave all that goes away
To be with me has a price
And if you don't like it you can leave
But you'll be nothing
You'll go and cry and be miserable
All the time
Because without me
Your life has no meaning
You can't do a single thing without me

Look at you!

Now I'm all alone
She's not around anymore
Standing at a mirror pacing around
Emotions fluxing thinking what I've done
I had you once
And now you're gone
Now I'm the one who is alone
I'm the one who doesn't know
What to do next
I still have all the gold
But I don't know what to do with it
Wondering if my life has meaning
Maybe but now I actually have to think about it
Now I'm the one who is crying
The one who feels confused
Because I thought I should have more
Now look at me now
Look at me now

Look at you!

What makes a brother
Is it covering ones back?
I tend to doubt that
Telling him that
"Yes, because I love you, everything not allowed by our parents can be allowed by me"
Is not what makes a brother

I've failed you in the past
I've have not been a good role model
The words I wrote on the board in the past
Were mired with ****
Now while I'm figured out
You're on a downward spiral
And because of me
You don't even know it yet

It ***** to know that when
I'm trying to be a good brother for once
You tell me that I'm not a real brother
That I'm only the pet of Mom and Dad

Whatever you say I won't care
The difference between me and you
Is that I'm not the one that is
Falling behind the curve
And I know that every
Tough decision I make
Pushes you forward
Because I know
How to push you forward
Instead of back
And you can kick
And scream
And whine
All you want
But ****** you're going forward
Because I owe you that

What makes a brother
Is to correct you when
You're steering in the wrong direction
And even though you might hate me now
I hope you'll understand later on

When it was simple
My life was simple
Yes my life had life to it
It was fun to have fun

When it was simple
You first looked at me
And gave me a smile
Maybe you thought I was silly
Maybe you thought I was fun
But regardless something sparked

When it was simple
The hardest task was to tell one another
That we liked each other
That we felt something that one another
Did not quite feel before

When it was simple
We couldn't even dance
With one another
The nerves of the skin of my hands
Touching the smooth sensation of your shoulders
Was too much for me
The ability to look in your eyes
Too blinding
The smell of your hair
Brushing against my nose
Too perfect of an aroma to fathom

When it was simple
You were so nervous
You couldn't be in the same
Vicinity as me
The excitement too much for you
You left and came back
And told me later that you were sorry

When it was simple
I nervously gave you
A kiss on the cheek
You were petrified
Never feeling these experiences before
You told me later that you
Didn't want to move too fast

When it was simple
I made a massive mistake
And decided to end it abruptly
And go with another girl
But you took me back
With open arms
But I was a liar
And made things more tougher
But we were still there the whole time
It seemed tough but it was still simple

When it was simple
You were nervous to kiss me
Not wanting things between us to get messed up
When looking back it now seems kinda true
But the sensation between our lips and tongue
Were simply too good to resist

Now things that once seemed complicated and rich
Seem like pure simplicity
With each repetition of it
Be slower and more simpler

As for us
After all that we've done
To each other
It will be hard for us
To go back again
And although this is all seen as simple
For me it doesn't lose its richness
Maybe it does for you
Since I've caused so much damage to you
But perhaps you can go back
And find the richness of it
But I don't know
All I do know is that
Any pain helps when you can at least remember
When it was simple

Going out to the club
I know I'm going to have a good time
I just know it
I'm attractive
Muscular
In the best shape of my life
I have brown puppy dog eyes
And a face to compliment it
Yup off to the club
Cause I know I'm gonna hit that

Using what I learned
I'm all ready to get it at the club
Walk up to a girl say
"What up I got a big ****"
She slapped me in the face
Not a smooth attempt
But I'll get it next time!

Moving on to the next girl
Her eyes look at me
Like a seductive tigress
Fierce
Predatory
Hot
Oh yeah this is happenin'

"Hey girl how you doin?"
"Doin' fine big boy!  How 'bout yourself?"
"Doin' **** baby doll!  You be lookin' hot!"
"You not lookin' so bad yourself big boy!"
"**** straight!  Care to dance?"
"Pssh!  No one be dancing yet!  No one be drunk yet!"
"Who needs to be drunk!?"
"Well I do.  Why don't you buy me a drink big boy?"
"I don't drink and neither should you!"
And that's when she turned away uninterested
Ignoring me for the rest of the night
Who needs her
We don't need alcohol!

Turns out to have a good time
We need alcohol
Cause no one else acts clearly
But I can't drink!
Not out of religion!
Or the law!
Just can't not my thing
So far having a miserable time

I'm a sweaty mess
Not hitting any girls
It was fun when they were sober
Because now they lose their attitudes
All inhibitions are off
All are now the same personality

Now they begin to dance
Guys move behind them
***** rubbing ****
**** rubbing *****
Faster
Faster
Faster
***** pumping out
Flying everywhere
*** on guy
In the pant crotch area
The club smells like sweat and ***** and alcohol

The more good times they have
The drunker they get
The more they seem to drift off
What they gain in ****
I lose in fun

"I wanna *******!"
"Excuse me?"
"I wanna ******* big boy!"
"Sorry I'm not in the mood."
"How big is that ****?"
I'm hard
Why am I hard?
**** I shouldn't be hard!
"Ooo you're big, I wanna ****!"

Everything I came here for
In front of me
But it's wrong!
She's wasted!
I can't do this!
Why didn't this happen earlier!
But I wanna ****!
I should do it anyway!
"Give me an answer babe!  Yes or no."
Spinning spinning I have to say it

"No.... I can't, you're drunk"
"Hell yeah I'm drunk!  Take advantage of me!"
"Please don't.  I honestly have no idea what I'm doing"
"I'm gonna go dance with someone else"
"******* man!  You're *******!"
And ***** is now on my shirt
That is just great

Get home from club
Think about my chances of getting laid
Then realize that maybe that that isn't what I wanted in the first place
Maybe that lifestyle isn't me
Even if I wanted it to be
For just a night
Probably good that it isn't
Cause I'd **** at it

Hearts made of glass
Fragile
Bright
Translucent
Small enough to hold in the palm of our hands

The glass is expensive
Irreplaceable in fact
Each type of heart is crafted
Each in different shapes
Sizes
Curves
Carefully crafted and molded
From two other glass hearts
That became one

It is given to us
As gifts
The twinkle in our eyes
Glows as we receive ours

The glass hearts react
To many different feelings

In sadness it takes the coating
Of your tears
And when it fades it hardens
And becomes stronger

When anger hits it
The glass heart will melt
Unable to take the heat

In happiness it will twinkle
Allowing it to shine through
The eyes of others

But as we grow older
We begin to learn
How we care for our hearts

Some of us are careful
Holding our hearts dearly
Cherishing it
So that it can be
Seen by all
Reachable by all
Available to view and to see
The insides and the outsides

Some of us are careless
Recklessly lending it to others
Throwing it
Shaking it
Using it for the wrong purposes
Until one day it breaks
And it needs to be fixed
The glass is fixable but
It never quite returns to its former translucence

The saddest of all though is when
We pretend it doesn't exist
It's when the glass heart fogs up
Not allowing others to see inside
The twinkle once there disappears
Replaced with something solid
The curves still there
The size still there
But in actuality what made something there
Is gone
It stays that way
Until one day
It shatters
And cannot be repaired

The gift of the glass heart
Must be remembered
It is fragile
Which makes caring for it hard
And though we can hate it for its fragility
We love it because of its translucent beauty
We love it because it makes the eyes on others smile and well as ourselves
We love it because it's us
And it's us that should never be clouded

Stand over me
And mock my pain
I'm easy to make fun of
It isn't that hard
Laugh when I cry out
Remember when I lost my ****?
It was easy to laugh

My life falling apart right before my ******* eyes
Seeing important parts of me
Parts that I believed in
Completely fall apart
Was your ******* joke

These things meant a lot to me
Maybe not to you because you don't get it
No one truly does
These people see one thing
And believe it's something else
That there isn't more to it

"It isn't a big deal
It doesn't have to be this way
Just stop!"
******* I'm not going to stop!
I have a grasp on something!
I need to keep going!
"You're losing your ****!"
No they're losing their ****!
They're being so ******* stupid!
How can they be so stupid!
They want me off their back
Then they should stop before
I lose my ****!
"You've already lost your ****!"
Well maybe I don't give a ****
That I lost my ****!
"There's better ways to handle this!"
No there isn't I need to do this
I need it
I can't stop it
Other people can help it
I can't!
They hurt me!
They are ******* hurting me!
"You're hurting yourself
You need help!"
No No NO!
I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU!
I DON'T NEED TO LISTEN TO YOU!
"You're pacing around the bathroom
You've been doing it for hours
That's not normal"
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'LL **** THEM UP!!!!!! I'LL SHOOT THEM IN THE ******* HEAD!!!!!! I'LL STAB THEM IN THE HEART!!!!!!!!  I'LL BASH THEIR BRAINS IN!!!!!!!!  They deserve everything that they are going to get!
"Fine then!  You've lost me and I am not coming back!"

Watch the turmoil and laugh
It's funny
It's hilarious
Uproarious
If you can't stomach that then
Smile
Snicker
It's easy to do, isn't it?
Isn't it?

Dear Katrina
I don’t like how much you drink
It makes my heart sink
Every once in a while I think about you
And I don’t blink
I just think
And stop and stare
And I remember just how much you cared
When I was suffering
The pain that I once felt
It was smothering
But you were there

From the beginning to the end
I know that these rhymes are cheap writes
But you were my friend
One of my guiding lights
And when I see you now
I just don’t know how
You became the way you are at the present
Hooking up, drinking up night by night
Acting more and more like a depressant
It’s painful to watch
Worse than a knee to the crotch

You were different than the others
In so many ways
Only hanging out with who people called retards
Did it on all days
You were kind, brave and smart
Sometimes sweet but most times ****
And people didn't get it
They never saw what you did as art
They saw it as another girl trying to be better
A self-righteous woman who never corrects her own errors
This is why I write the poem hence
Trying to find a way of how you are now makes sense

You had some family issues
Your mom and dad had the disease too
Your dad an extra disease though
Skin cancer to suffer through
And you yourself had your issues no less
Diagnosed with diabetes
A disease you’ll forever possess
And I understand that you deal with a lot of stress
With the bickering and fighting between your parents and you feeling oppressed

When I think now I realize you were picked on quite a bit
In your adolescence
Snickered at down the hall
By our fellow pubescence
“She’s a *****, **** and ****!” said a student down the hall
And you pretended to not care
Until you went home to your Facebook wall

The plot now thickens
Posting vague statuses about others
As quick as the dickens
“I had it with this *******!
I had it with that *******!
God I hate this school!
These people are useless
And have no soul!”
You were emotional
And it was easy to understand
They bullied you because you were unique when they wanted to see the bland
But you took that fire too far
And accidentally hit a wire
And began to end up hitting people with friendly fire

The more you posted the harder it got to defend
Slowly and slowly losing friend after friend
Until you only had too few left
And then some part of you seemed to be carried off in a theft

At this point you and my readers may think that I am hypocritical
And the more they may read this poem the more they may get cynical
But this is not a sneak attack, no jump, no shock
Nor am I writing this poem for ******* to gawk
I’m writing this because right now because I love you
I don’t think I’m stronger, nor anymore above you
I was weak too until you pulled me out
I’m just doing the same for you this is what this poem is about
I know it’s said I shouldn’t pull out a splinter when I got a plank
But if we all didn’t help cause of it we’d all be blind and the world more rank

We went away
Up to college and we swore that day after day
We’d remain friends
And now I feel like I’m in a reality that transcends
Between my life and another
One that is harder to recover
Seeing the pain
Of seeing you going off the wall and insane
Hooking up often with guy after guy
Not knowing why
Too drunk and too high to get by
Living the life you said
Now I feel so misled
How can you living a life
If you’re too high or drunk to remember it

I’ve seen people do it before
My uncle lived that life never closed the door
Until he died by alcohol poisoning
Girlfriend came home before 4
You see he did it not for fun but because he suffered
His father told him that he didn’t love him
He never recovered
He just drowned in sorrow
Hoped that death would come tomorrow

You see I don’t want you to end up like that
Hating life more and more constantly feeling the attack
Of hate, sorrow, pain, depression
And turning to alcohol and *** as a reliever and obsession
Today I’m writing in rhymes because it makes it harder to think
About how you fell in love with the ******* drink
I watch
As you take a scotch
You sigh and take a breath
Take a sip and begin to drown
Drinking yourself to death
And I pray day by day
That someone will save your life
And make you realize that what you’re doing
Is causing your friends strife
You I know you, care for you, and love you very much
And after you read this poem I hope we still can keep in touch