It's hard to talk about a loss
The emotions just go into overdrive
I've tried and failed innumerable times
But anyways here goes.....
I lost my father about 5 months ago
And yet I still can't come to terms with this painful reality
I still feel his presence everywhere around me
Not a day goes by when I don't think of him
His face keeps wandering in the deepest corners of my mind
I can't sleep at night
My pillow gets decorated with pearls of tears
Everyone around me says that time will heal everything
But will it really???
My world seems shattered
My whole life has changed
At times I feel like I'm falling into an abyss of hopelessness
I've realized that there are some kinds of pain that never go away no matter what you do
I guess the only choice I have is to learn to live with this pain
Dearest Dad...wherever you are.. I hope you find comfort there
I miss you so much and I promise to take care of the family as best as I can
I know we had our differences but deep within I always knew that you loved me and truly cared for me as I always did for you

Dearest Almighty.. Please give me the strength to fight through this difficult period in my life and take care of my family

Tu chali gayi thi bina kuch kahay
Mera dil ek veeran reygistaan ** gaya tha
Andhera hi roshni lagta tha
Tanhayi kay siwa kuch nahi tha
Ab itnay arso baad tu waapis aayi hai
Par tu abhi bhi mujhsay kuch bolti nahi  
Ekbaar mujhsay kuch keh toh sahi
Meray kaan taras gayay teri awaaz suun nay ko
Nafrat ki nazar se hi sahi
Par ekbaar mujhay dekho toh sahi
Meri aankhen taras gayi hai
Teri aankhon say milnay ko...
(Urdu and Hindi)

English translation

You had left without saying anything
My heart had become an empty desert
The darkness used to feel like light
There was nothing except loneliness
Now you've come back after ages
And yet you still don't talk to me
Please just talk to me once
My ears are yearning to hear your voice
Even it's a look of hatred
But please look at me once
My eyes are yearning to meet your eyes...

The eons of my life are passing by in a jiffy
Feels like a dream this life
It was only yesterday
That I was cradled in my mother's arms
Her sweet lullaby dispelling my fears
Her motivating words always keeping me positive
Then as the years went by..
...From crawling to walking
From mumbling gibberish to talking...
...I  gradually learnt it all
And yet sometimes I feel like I haven't changed at all
I'm still that shy reserved soul
Absorbing pain and loneliness every single day of my existence
The same introvert finding happiness and comfort in my writings
All my life I've always felt like a misfit for some reason
Now many decades later I still feel the same...
...sure I've changed somewhat
I've aged...
I've lost some hair.. some teeth
I've become a bit forgetful
Times have changed..
Technology has become more prevalent
I'm adapting or at least trying to adapt to these changes as best as I can
...But somethings have remained the same...
I was a loner many eons ago
And I'm still one
And yet I'm still living...
...surviving
...trying to find happiness in whatever I do
Learning or at least trying to learn something each and every day of my life..
Perhaps I guess I'm enjoying the silence and beauty that loneliness offers
I guess solitude is the only thing I have that I can truly enjoy
And if I don't ever find any companionship.. At least I know that I'll always have loneliness by my side...
I sometimes wonder.. Have I lived my life to the fullest?
...Have I achieved all my goals in life?
And I sit and think for hours and days and I just can't come up with any answers to these two questions
I guess I'll never know the answers to these.. Perhaps I'm not meant to...

Jab tak teri yaadein meray saath hain
Main tanha hokar bhi tanha nahin...
(Urdu and Hindi)

English Translation

As long you're memories are with me
I'm not lonely even when i'm lonely...

Be so focused on your goals that you don't even have the time to compare yourself with others.

In my final moments as I lay on my death bed
When the eyes were on the verge of closing forever...
And the soul knew it was going to get captured now
Amidst all the memories and regrets running through my mind...
...All I could think about was you
Your serene face kept flashing before my eyes..
...i could never forget those angel like eyes
Your sweet voice kept ringing in my mind..it was so relaxing and motivating
Your fragrance I could now fondly recall..it was somewhat ethereal
Every single moment I spent with you...It was all flashing before my eyes
Your words I could never forget them..
You had said ...try to be the best version of yourself no matter what
I tried my best to follow your advice
I don't know if I ever succeded
...but believe me I tried
You left me too soon
I missed you so much
Everyday without you felt like a punishment
Nothing seemed to make sense anymore
Life for me had lost its meaning
Without you my heart felt like a graveyard...
...it felt like an old abandoned and desolate house
But finally I'll join you now
I've waited for this moment for so long
I've longed for our souls to meet
I've prayed so much for us to be together someday
We couldn't be together in this lifetime
But now finally death will unite us...

I've shun all my pretences
I've dropped my defences
I am unarmed and vulnerable
The exposure of my truth is now inevitable
I had feared that this day would be probable
I'm tired of running and hiding
All my dark secrets are finding their way out of my soul's closet
Is this it??
The end of me... The end of all relationships
The chance of a having a somewhat normal life evaporating into thin air
My soul now bare and exposed
Revealing the monster inside of me ..
...Everyone now witnessing the imposter I truly am
My mask is gradually slipping off
How much longer can I play this game of hide and seek with my dark monster
I'm losing control
I don't think I can lie and pretend anymore
The burden of keeping this dark secret is just too much
But telling the truth will destroy it all
I'll be back to being a loner
Discarded like an old and obsolete piece of furniture
Discriminated against like I'm afflicted with some infectious disease
Avoided like I'm something dangerous
I was always a bit different..
...Weird in my own way
...Doing things most people around me would do and...
...Pretending to be normal was the only way to blend in
...Perhaps I was a fool to think that I could **** the monster inside of me
My inner monster and I... We're inseparable I guess
...but then again let me ask you all this... Ultimately aren't we all in some way or the other pretending to be normal???
I mean what is normal???
One man's normal is another man's crazy and vice versa.... Isn't it???

Tanhayi say rishtay purana hai hamara
Meray buray waqt may bhi yehi banti hai mera sahara
Kabhi mujhay dhokha nahi deti
Hamesha saath nibhati hai
Meray har dard ko samajhti hai
Din ki shuruwaat uus say hoti hai
Raatko uski aagosh may khudko saup deta hoon
Hamara ishq ab apni bulandi par hai
Bohot jald hamara nikah hoga
(Hindi and Urdu)

English Translation

My relationship with loneliness goes a long way back
It's my only support during my times of distress
It never betrays me
Always faithfully supports and maintains our relationship
It understands every bit of pain that I feel
My day begins with her
And at night I surrender and submit myself to her embrace
Our love is now at its peak
Very soon we'll get married

At times take some risks in life...regardless of whether you are successful or not, you will learn..if you win you will experience happiness and if you lose you will be more wise.

A good relationship or marriage is not about finding the right or perfect person...it is about being with someone you genuinely and truly want to be with..it is about being with someone who makes you forget about all the problems and troubles you might be going through...it is about being with someone who cares for you and respects you...and most importantly it is about being with someone who stands by you through thick and thin and always believes in you and trusts you.

Unlearning something you have learnt or detaching yourself from something or some belief you have grown up with is one of the most challenging things in life. It takes both time and effort and a tremendous amount of willpower as well.

The cage in which I've imprisoned myself seems inescapable
The walls seem to be closing in
And my screams are not audible to anyone
No one can free me from this cage save for myself
I've alienated and isolated myself to the point that I can no longer interact with anyone
I'm completely shut
I need to open up
I've loved and lived loneliness for far too long
To the point that now I can't quite enjoy company
There are countless words to speak
So much I want to share
All the pain...The sadness...The joy
So many secrets buried in the deepest corners of my heart
There's so much love that I want to give
Then why can't I seem to do it?
..Why does it seem so difficult to talk to someone?
I need to fight my fears and insecurities
And just communicate
I need to make an effort and reach out to people around me
Or else I fear going completely insane some day...
...Lying all alone in a room full of darkness and my bed of tears
...Wating for my time to bid goodbye

Aftaab kay dhalnay kay baad
Chaand ki roshni kay jadoo may
Sitaron ki chadar kay nichay
Tumhari kaali zulfo kay talay
Meray khwabo ki jannat hai
Ek arsa ** gaya woha gayay huay
Kabhi ek martaba ayo toh mera pass
Meri rooh ko ek ajeeb sa sukoon milega
Aur Mera dil ka ghar khushi si khil uthega
(Urdu and Hindi)

English Translation

After the setting of the sun
In the magic of the moonlight
Under the blanket of stars
Underneath your black hair
Lies my paradise of dreams
It's been ages since I've been there
Just come to me once
My soul will feel a strange sense of comfort and relief
And the home of my heart will flourish with joy

Your heart creates the dream...your mind makes it a reality.

By giving someone a smile...a few words of kindness or a helping hand you will not lose anything or become poorer....So try and give these whenever you can.

I was missing you a lot
So I went near the river and recalled our old memories
And there as I slept on the river bank
I dreamt of heaven and earth
I dreamt of you by my side
Birds chirping
Sun shining
The serene sound of the river flowing
Greenary all around
I dreamt of the mysterious galaxy
I saw the playful and evocative moon
I felt the power of the sun
I experienced the magic of the stars
I felt the black river that flows from your head playing with my face
I felt the warmth of your love
I dreamt that we were flying with the birds
Flapping our wings of love
I dreamt that we were travelling on clouds
Changing hues.. Watching the sun set and sometimes raining love
I dreamt that we were floating in space
Discovering the light of love in the midst of darkness
I felt safe with you in my dreams
I felt blessed and peaceful
My heart felt a happiness it had never felt before
I wish you'd come back wherever you are
Missing you terribly....

Whenever I feel like crying my heart out
Whenever I feel like screaming my lungs out
Whenever I feel like I'm burnt by the sun of life
Whenever I feel engulfed by flames of sadness
Whenever I feel depressed and low...
...the room in the corner of my home.. That's where I go...
That room is my refuge during my sad moments
The room has dark coloured walls
The room possesses a couple of dim lights
The room doesn't have anything much save for an old bookshelf which contains memories of my childhood
On the walls of the room are some hanging pictures of my childhood...
Those pictures look at me with affection..
...sometimes with a bit of concern
...perhaps they feel sympathetic towards my lonely heart
The room comforts me and takes me its in arms when I feel like I can't take the agonies of life no more..
The room with its eerie quiteness has a soothing effect on me
The room has a solid wooden door which is sometimes hard to pull open
But once it let's you in...it just takes you over with it's warmth and kindness
Whenever I feel like resting my head on a shoulder
Whenever I want to think clearly
That room always helps me out
The room in the corner of my home means so much to me....

The more you know yourself...the more you look into yourself and understand yourself...the less judgemental you tend to become towards others.

What good is my pen if it doesn't write about you
What good are my thoughts if you're not in them
To have spent a night without dreaming about you feels like a crime
My day feels lost if don't talk to you
Believe me when I say I love you
For me there's no one or nothing in this world above you
You are to me
What the waves are to the sea
We're inseparable
You're the oasis in my heart's desert
You are light that guides me through the darkness
You are the queen of my mind's forest
You are the goddess of my soul
I'm your dedicated devotee..
...your humble worshipper
I'm enchanted by your generosity and grace
You fill my soul with the most exquisite of colours
You carry me through on those difficult days
I can't quite describe it in proper words
But I feel so strongly for you
Ever since you came into my life
There's this incredible sense of positivity and hope that keeps running through my veins
My heart keeps pounding at the rate of knots
My mind is filled with your images
I feel you in every nerve of my body
I've never felt this way before
I think I've found my soulmate in you

Every problem has a solution..sometimes you just have to work extra hard to find it...while at times you have to be brave enough to use it.

I'm like an open book
And yet I feel like I'm shrouded in secrets
Unsaid words...unshared feelings..unexpressed emotions
I'm a beautiful mess...
Chaos and clarity both co-exist in me so harmoniously
Conviction and doubts...they both are attracted to me
Love and hatred...I'm an equal receiver of both
I say so much
And yet I feel like I've never really said anything
I think too much
And at times my mind just feels like a blank vacant space..
...unable to process anything
I can't quite define myself..
...i keep asking myself strange questions...
...who am I?
...what am I?
...do I have any purpose and if so then what is it?
My days are mostly spent in sadness and regrets  
And yet I find joy when I'm able to pen down this sadness
Sure..i cry my soul out when I write about the pain and regrets
But just being able to write about it gives me a different kinda' high
I guess it makes me feel relieved in some ways..
...a strange sense of comfort about being able to write what troubles me

Children usually follow example more than any advice...so try and be the example for them.

Everyday that you get to live is a chance for you to improve yourself and become a better person.

Some days I rise
Somedays I fall
But I try not to give up or lose hope
I fight back and once again stand tall
It's not easy though..at times I feel so helpless and frustrated
But I somehow try and keep myself motivated
At times I suffer
Sometimes I cry
But I don't question why?
I just take each day as it comes
I take the blows
Witness life's various shows
I try and smile..work hard and aim for the sky
May be someday I'll reach that high
I know I won't always succeed
But I try and make sure there is no lack of effort on my part
For I'm okay with failing
But I'm not okay with not trying

You're the cause of my pain
And yet you're my only pain reliever
You give me hope
And the very next moment you shatter me
You love me
And yet you hate me
You hurt me
And then you console me
You dominate my thoughts and dreams
And yet I'm never there in your thoughts
I feel so strongly for you
I cry for your love and yet I don't seem to get it
And then you cry when I'm not there
I sometimes can't quite understand this contrast
Are we just meant to be this constant conflict of emotions???
Is togetherness never going to be a part of our script???
Will our love ultimately fade away into oblivion???

Most of the times we are not even loyal and honest to ourselves and yet we expect it from others.

Not everyone gets to live their dream..so if you're living it...cherish it, value it and make the most of it.

We communicated more in silence than we ever did with words
She spoke with her eyes
I conversed via my heart
Right then I realized that this was the start of something special....

Envy devours your soul just like a fire burns wood..don't let it overpower you.

In my own way...
...i love
...i despair
...i succeed
...i fail
...i fight
...i crave
...i sin
...i suffer
...i admire
...i despise
...i feel
And I celebrate a hopeless and boring life...
...i ponder about a life not lived
...dreams not fulfilled
...hopes broken
...opportunities not taken
I could have done so much better
But I just couldn't do it
I'm alive now and may not be in the very next moment
And if I don't witness the next sunrise
I will still celebrate my somewhat unsuccessful existence
And I will always be grateful for all the things I've gotten in my life...
...Maybe I was a misfit or simply misunderstood
...But God knows I tried...
...and in the end that's all that matters

When you've lived life a fair bit you realize two important things...you yourself are your best friend and you yourself are your greatest enemy.

There are some kinds of pain that never go away no matter what you do...you just have to learn to live with them.

Another year has come and is almost gone
And yet my resilient spirit continues to fight on
Farewell 2020
You bought sorrow and misery aplenty
I thank Almighty for having survived you
You were like a never ending Monday morning blue
You did give me some memories to cherish
And there were a few with marks of blemish
Dear 2020...so many facets of life to me you have shown
I've suffered...survived and yet have in so many ways grown
I've stumbled...faltered and burnt
Yet there's so much that I've learnt
Dear 2020...you taught me so much
Weirdly enough I'm now thinking that I'll actually miss your touch
Here's looking forward to a hopeful new year
I hope and pray that it brings some joy and happiness instead of mostly tears and fears

Wishing everyone a joyous and safe new year...May Almighty bless us all with peace and prosperity.

I'll keep walking on the roads
Travelling through places
Seeing new faces
I'll watch sunrises
I'll witness sunsets
I'll swim in the seas
I'll wander through the forests
I'll climb the mountains
I'll stroll through the meadows
I'll sleep under the blanket of stars
I'll marvel at the beauty of the moon
Maybe I'll reach my destination someday
And if not then I'll become a good traveller

While there is no standard recipe or formula for success...if you have passion and belief then you will more often than not...achieve your dreams.

It's never too late to start over...if you aren't happy today...try something different tomorrow. Don't be afraid to start over because when you restart you get another chance to make things right.

Even when you have no one by your side you will always have yourself.

Life is mostly a gap between expectation and reality and our constant efforts to try and bridge this gap...these two meet once in a while but mostly they tend not to see eye to eye.

At times we try to hide our feelings and emotions but forget that more often than not...the eyes say it all.

Do not allow someone's negativity to affect your inner peace...filter out the unnecessary stuff.

A word spoken...a moment lost...an opportunity not taken
These are things that never return
So think before you speak
Live every moment
Take every opportunity that comes your way

Sunsets seem even more beautiful when you have someone special to enjoy it with
The hues seem more magical
From orange to sometimes pink..
..At times crimson
The birds retiring for the day..
...back to their abode  
Holding your beloved's hands and watching the sun go to sleep....
....it's a different kind of high

We can't always control the circumstances we are in but we can control how we choose to respond to them.

It does not matter so much whether your house is big or small...what matters is whether it's a home.

I like worrying a little because it keeps me on my toes and helps me not to take things for granted.

The greatest disaster in life is not failure...it's not learning from it.

You are so beautiful that you compelled me to write
And so I wrote about you with my favourite pen
Every day.. I poured my soul out for you on the pages of my diary
The pages would beg me for mercy
But I just couldn't stop
I'd write about every facet of yours
I'd describe the magnificence of your beautiful soul
The incredible moon like beauty of your face
Your long black locks of magic
Your deep blue ocean eyes
Your ridiculously charming smile
I wrote about it all
And then one day the nib of my pen broke
And your memories and thoughts were left hanging in the ink
I could no longer capture them on the pages of my diary
I was so heartbroken and frustrated
I wanted to write about you so bad...
And so I tried with a new pen
But with a different pen...It just wasn't the same
The thoughts just refused to flow
My hands would tremble
I'd just keep staring at the pages
I miss those thoughts of you
I miss the emotions that I wanted to write about you
I miss capturing you through my words on the pages of my diary
My colourful diary is now an assortment of blank white pages
My diary which was once filled with life now has turned into a graveyard
I miss not being able to write about you

If you want to succeed...you have to be prepared for failure and criticism.

Dare to be
Dare to live
Dare to love
Dare to dream
Dare to fly
Dare to challenge yourself
Dare to believe that you are extraordinary

The things I used to see I now see no more
Has humanity now become an eyesore?
Where are you now..?
..The positivity..the brotherhood..the glorious dream
Why are people threatened and punished if they question and scream?
Justice and equality...why did you become virtually extinct so soon?
You don't show up now even once in a blue moon
Kindness..compassion...Where have you gone?
Why are you looked down upon?
You were qualities once admired and cherised
It seems you have now deceased and been buried
May be I'm wrong
But it's been a while since I've heard your sweet song
Why have you become so rare now?
Have you gone into hibernation?
Do you need resurrection?
Why are you in hiding?
I miss those words of love and empathy
I miss those gestures of kindness and generosity
I miss those humane hearts
So dear humanity...
...Please come out and show yourself..I beg you..I plead with you...The world needs you
I still believe in you
Just give me your hand....