My phone lights up in notification of a new text.
"What are you going tonight?"
I'm in my pajamas, in bed, watching a late night talk show.
* I'm already in bed for the night. What's up?*
"When did you get so old? It's only 10:30."
Ouch.
* I don't know. It just kinda happened one day. *
"Well we are going out if you decide to stop being lame and want to join us."
* Ok. Thanks. Maybe next time. *
Who am I kidding I won't go out next time.
My party days are over.
The mind numbing thump of clubs is no longer appealing.
The light headed feeling induced by alcohol is more nauseating than fun.
I'm 22. That's not old.
Right?
Just because I would rather stay at home than go out for thirsty Thursday, that makes me old?
I would like to think I am growing up.
I'm an adult now.
I'm responsible.
Right?
That's what I tell myself anyway.
I'm not old, I'm growing up.

What the hell am I doing?
I need someone to guide me,
Hold my hand,
Bring me back down to earth.
My mind is that muddy shade of grey
When it used to be a vibrant spectrum.
I can't tell which way is up,
Who to give my heart to,
Or where to land.

I need a beacon through this static
To guide me towards solid ground.

My roots run too deep
to forget you.
The twang of your voice
and your cowboy boots.
The way you wore your wranglers
and your crooked smile.
My mind always goes back to that summer.
Phone calls that lasted forever,
watching the stars,
and holding hands.
I miss your jokes,
your laugh,
your voice.
But I don't miss you.
I know that you are not good for me

I am starting to grow soft,
sentimental and romantic.
But I think God put you here by me
for a reason.

I know I don't have to settle,
comprimise,
or overlook.

You are showing me what a true man is.
Thank you.

Time had no hold on us,
The only thing that ended our night was
The coffee shop's sign flipping from open to closed.

I couldn't stop smiling,
The only person that I saw in that
Small crowded shop was
You.

I can't believe our common interests
And everything we talked about.
I think this may be right.

Side hugs are nice,
But tonight let's up the stakes.
I am willing to take a chance if you are.

Don't let me down
           this time I am flying too high
I won't survive this crash
             your looks are fatal
Coffee dates seem harmless
              but what does taking me to church mean?

Don't let me down
             *I need to be seen in your radar.

The musician crooned into his lonely mic
Bending and crashing his guitar strings,
And everyone was singing.
The college kids talked pseudo politics
Over streamed milk and bold brews,
And everyone was singing.
The poets huddled in their corners
Scratched words onto pages,
And everyone was singing.
The city folk bundled in coats and hats
Hustled along the sidewalks,
And everyone was singing.
Old Man Winter howled and
Covered every inch with his frosty breath,
And everyone was singing.

My feet crunched on the frozen ground
Walking towards the image of you,
But everyone was silent.
In that moment there were no musicians, college kids, or poets.
The city folk weren't in a rush and Old Man Winter was at bay.
Everyone was silent.
I could hear your heart pounding out
A melody just for me.
But everyone was silent,
For you and me,
For the spark in our eyes,
The songs in our hearts,
And our future to be.

You come swooping in every time I get him back.
Don't ruin this time for me too.
Don't get me wrong,
You are a great kisser,
But conversations you're lacking.
Romance,
You could work in that too.
Stick to your life down south
And I will keep to mine up here.
Don't offer to give me the fire I am looking for.
That moment of passion with you
Is wasted in my eyes.
It could be spent with someone sweeter,
Funnier,
Hell, even taller.
Stay away from me faux Romeo,
You are not needed here.

you can be john mayer,
and i will be your aretha.
bend your strings,
i will flex my pipes.
we can make music,
maybe even love.
the two are so close together,
so why pull them apart.
what do you say maestro?
wanna make a melody together?

Take me home,
I am loving this rush.
Room swirling,
words dancing,
poets singing.
Numb tongues
and loose lips.
Wishing you were here
to take me to the places I want.
The only Southern Comfort
I know is the southern twang in your voice.
Come back,
back to my arms,
back to my home.
I am the most like me
when I am with you.
I wish you were here
to take me back.
My numbness would be gone,
the hollowness too.
It's only you I see,
and till this glass is gone
you will be on my mind.

Dreams of you always feel so real.
I can see your smile again,
Hear your country drawl.
Dreams of you make me feel so alive.
Going down dirt roads,
Sitting in the middle of your truck,
Finding places to pull off for a minuet or two
To fill our need of kissing.

But when I wake up the wanting starts again.
That hallow ache only you bring.
Every sad country song is about you.
Every pick up truck is you passing me by.
Where have you gone?
I miss you.
Can you tell?
Do you feel it too?
Come back to me,
Or at least give me a call.
This heartache is too much.

One month and 12 days.
Thats how long it took me to cry over you.
I went out dancing and the only guy I could see was you.
I didn't care for the cowboys with their crooked smiles,
or the Fly Boys with their dog tags shown proudly.
All I wanted was you.
I wanted your quiet confidence and concern for my boundaries.
I wanted your tan hands against my pale attempt at rhythm.
I wanted your sweet smile and strong arms.
I wanted your warm scent and crinkled laugh.
But you weren't there.
Where were you?
Were you at a party somewhere trying to ****** another girl?
Were you with the boys chugging warm beer
and crudely mixed drinks?
Were you trying to forget all that we had?
We both know you aren't cut out for that scene,
you won't find what you are looking for.
But I hope you do.
And I hope it's me again.

Sunshine on bare legs,
feet on the dash.
Wind twisting through opened windows
and newly loosened hair.

Open road with the heat dancing
waves from the black top.
Petty and Mellencamp on the radio
sets the tone for our American adventure.

Let's head to Phoenix or Santa Fe,
anywhere as long as it's with you.

The sun is calling our names,
calling us away from these cold, barren plains.

You don't belong here,
your eyes are screaming for the summer.
Your soul is tires on pavement
creating it's own humming song of freedom.

My feet are planted here,
but it's time to uproot with you.

Make out
To take it out.
Get it put out of your head.
Thoughts,
Feelings,
Gone.
One time
Is all it takes
To forget what you were longing for.
Go from one to another
But it's always hallow.
Like singing into a cave,
Or having no one to follow your shadow.
A smile is nice but I want more,
A touch is good too,
But what I need is a kiss,
It's the only thing that will do.
Faked emotions just for the act,
To help me find something I lack.
I know I will get there soon but till then,
You look nice
Wanna share a smile or two?

I feel like I have been gone for too long, and I am ready to come back.
Will you all still remember me?
Still welcome me with open arms and cold drinks?
I hope so.
I miss the comfort of the mismatched couches and effortless smiles.
I miss being in the presence of such musical talents.
I miss watching you guys loose  your selves and wishing I could let myself do that.
I miss the one quiet in the corner,
The one with the kind eyes,
The one with the contagious smile,
The one who roamed around,
The one with the good heart,
The one I just met,
The one who I long to know better,
The one who might be saving the kind eyes.
If I want to come back, will you take me?

I am proud to say I don't miss you like I used to,
I don't hang on every word you said.
I have learned to go on with out a text, a smile, or a visit.
No I don't miss you anymore.
Do I miss what we had?
Sure, but you aren't the only guy in the world.
I know I can meet another, this time the one that is better than you.
But hey, let's be friends.
That's what you wanted right?
I would love to show you how great I am doing,
Or at least pretend to be doing.
Fake it till you make it.
That's what I have always heard.
So here is my confession for you:
No I don't miss you anymore, but I will always cherish what we had.

Laying under the weight of a pile of comforters, quilts and blankets,
Trying to make up for the lacking heat,
I notice the empty space beside me.
I can't help but imagine you pressed to my back,
Guitar roughened fingers on my skin,
Stubble strewn face brushing against mine to whisper secrets.
Your warm scent and warm eyes draw me in.

Why did I not notice it till now?
Why did I chase after another with you standing there?
Why did I let her hang on you, try to charm you, when I knew it should be me?

With the new year comes new chances,
And I am headed your way.

And this is what he said:
"to hold your hand walking through the trees,
to lie together in the fallen leaves,
to kiss your cheeck as if i'm snow,
to know my heart follows where you go."

Your words are far too kind,
and you arent the person I had in mind to speak them.
They make me feel loved if just for a moment
and hopefully one day another will make them true for me.
Your friendship is as sweet as honey and I thank you
for giving me hope.

I wish you would come crawling back,
Begging me,
Kneeling at my door.
Tell me it was a mistake and you never want to let me go.
Tell me the lies she told you to drive you away from me.

This next time I would be the strong one,
The one that would tell you "leave."
I could be the cold one,
My turn to be the ***.

But we all know I would take you back,
I miss you too much to not.
Your big brown eyes and strong hands
Turn my no's into yes's every time.

I can't get your scent out of my head,
I can't forget how I felt at home in your arms
And how you would lend me your warmth.
Our drunken conversations replay in my head,
Stuck in repeat.
What did I do wrong?
I don't want to be the first one to cave,
To come crawling back,
But I miss you.
Please come back to me.

Rough hands and soft eyes.
A sweet southern drawl and a lopsided grin.
A towering stature and a humble heart.
Intellegence and a sense of humor.
City and country.
Cultured and real.
Faith filled and a musical edge.
Loving and determined.
Adventurous and catious.

Come on dream boy,
Knock on my door.
Mr. Right I am waiting on my front steps,
Looking down the lane.
I know you are on your way,
But I get so anxious for your arrival.
Hey imaginary love,
Come find me.
I will be the one with the uneasy smile
And cautious acceptance of your love.

2 am phone calls.
you think i would be used to them by now.
i never thought i would get one from you.
i awoke at 1 am,
restless,
telling myself i should have went with you,
making myself guilty,
wondering how you were doing.
then i get it,
the famed text.
"r u still up?! will you come get me please?"
of course i will.
anything to see you.

we stayed up talking till 5 am
talking fears,
plans,
and feelings fogging up the windshield glass.
we shared tears,
held hands,
and even laughed.

its moments like these that make me hope
that one day i will get to call you mine.
you let your guard down
and let me see you

Jealousy stings at the back of my eyes,
Bubbling up and flushing my face.
Tell me you don't touch her like you touch me,
Tell me I am still the one for you.
Tell me those midnight confessions weren't for nought,
Tell me our late night meetings mean just as much to you.
Tell me there is at least a little bit of truth in our jokes of marriage.
Show me your thoughts in your touch,
Or tell me in a whisper.
Whatever you tell me, just tell me soon.
I don't want to lose hope again.

This is my S.O.S.
I am falling back in his trap.
He's a silver tongued devil,
a sweet talker who knows just how to reel me in.
All it takes is,
"I miss your sweet face, I wish I could kiss you one more time."
Liar.
I can't figure you out.
Why do you keep coming back?
Two years is enough to move on.
But I haven't either.
Songs and movies bring me back to you.
We were  Allie and Noah,
I had started writing our own Notebook.
Eli Young makes me think of summer nights talking on the phone for hours,
whispering so my parents wouldn't hear.
You sweet southern twang and rules of chivalry
are my weakness.
You were the one I thought I would marry,
the one I knew my parents would approve of.
You were a sweet country boy that brought me back to my roots,
and I was just city enought to give you an edge.
Someone needs to talk some sense into me before I go back down this road.
When we finished you left me longing for more.
We can pick up where we left off so I can get the conclusion I am looking for.
This time I am ready for your poison.

I am sitting in the middle of this sea
On a raft handmade.
I am looking towards the shore
And slowly drifting away.
I see all of you there.

You, the one that broke my heart first.
You, the one that stole the next bit.
You, the one I thought I would marry.
You, the one I wanted to save.
You, the one I wanted but refused to take.
You, the one I longed after but pushed that thought away.

I am floating by,
Looking towards the sun.
It's lonely out here,
But I am starting to like it.
I no longer crave what I can't find.
I no longer toss and turn with dreams of anyone of you.

I am content on my raft,
Drifting away.
Find me if you wish,
But I am no longer searching for you,
Because I have found myself.

Weddings are a funny thing.
I want to feel happy for the couple,
But my cynical side boils up
Spits acid into my brain
And plays visions of doubts in front of me.
It doesn't help when people ask me why I am still single.
"I am focusing on me this semester.
I don't have time for a boy right now."
That rehearsed lie is the same every time.
Maybe next time I will tell them I am a nun.
At least that way I will have an excuse that they will believe.
Until then I will watch while the girls in white
twirl with their boys in tuxes,
And smile along with the crowd on the edge of the dance floor.

His eyes have seen the world,
Mine have only seen these dusty plains.

His fingers can strum unending melodies,
Mine only fumble across the strings.

He sees things with a plan and logic,
I only see emotion and feelings.

He takes charge of a situation,
I sit back and follow.

He goes to church,
I sleep in.

He is button downs,
And I am t-shirts.

We are different,
Yet we are the same.

One day I hope we compile our differences,
Set them aside,
Find our sames,
And revel in each other.

I knew it would hit sooner or later,
It always does.
"I don't want to date you, it's not that I don't like you,
I really do, you do so much for me,
But I don't want to ruin the friendship we have."
Hell.
You don't know how much that stung when you told me.
I knew I missed my chance with you,
And that just sunk it in.
I wanted to curl up in your arms,
Have you hold me one last time,
And try to convince you otherwise.
"But you have another guy now.
Go and have your fun with him."
Little did you know,
That's all talk.
I like him but I don't think he feels the same,
And I definitely need to keep myself guarded.
I try to tell myself and others I am talking to some guy,
Or I fall way too fast,
Just so I won't feel so pathetic and lonely.
I guess that's just how I work and you know that.
So thanks for being an awesome friend.
If I can't be your lover,
I will always be your friend,
I like you too much to let you go.

You are the one I need to run away from,
But you keep pulling me in.
I am not traveling in your orbit,
No I am crashing into your atmosphere.
I don't even mind if you smoke,
Somehow that is adding to the attraction.
Sure it will **** both of us someday,
But you just look so **** cool doing it.
You found whatever was left of my restaint against wanting you,
And **** you shattered it.
I am too scared to act on my feelings this time,
So I will play the wall flower card and sit back and wait for you.
My friend thinks you dig me,
So why is it so hard for me to believe her?
You are pulling me closer and closer in,
Your charm is choking out my reasonable mind,
Your cool is killing my logic.
Everyone stop me,
Because I know you have heard this one before.
Stop me before I get in too deep.

I am torn between the three.

The first was the high school crush,
who came to the same college,
who joined the same clubs,
who I see all around campus.
The one I can always depend on.
The future roomate.
The one I missed my chance with.
There might sill be feelings between us,
but we both know we missed our shot.

The second was the first college crush,
who I knew I would like at first sight,
who had that indie style,
that artistic flair,
who just got out of a serious relationship.
I knew it was doomed from the start,
but the ride was too fun to let go.

The third is the most recent,
the one I know I can't have,
the one I keep talking myself out of.
I know it won't happen,
because it can't happen.
I am reading too much into friendly gestures,
simple comments.
This is the one that might just get me,
I have to keep my distance around him,
but his presence always draws me in.
I know it's crazy and stupid.
But my friends think we would be adorable,
and that makes it true right?

I am caught between these three.
None will let me go,
and honestly,
I don't want them to.

The scent of your cologne and incense
always linger behind,
Attaching themselves to me in a cruel reminder
Of just how much I love the smell that is you.
Deep and woody,
It brings memories of fireplaces,
Winter nights,
And spiced chai.
Ski lodges,
Knit hats,
And gloved hands two sizes bigger,
Still holding on for dear life.
Cuddling under hand-made blankets
Sharing laughs,
Secrets,
Kisses.
Even if I don't have you I will always have your scent,
And the places it takes me are better than the places I have been.

It's a forbidden love,
is that why I want it so bad?
I think it's you.
Your charisma,
your talent,
your unfaltering cool temper.
It can stay a secret school girl crush.
Maybe we can play it off as a friendship.
I know I can play that part well,
But don't be surprised if I look up at you with doe eyes,
With big smiles.
I can't help it,
You are just too charming,
Warm,
Perfect.

*****,
So unclean,
Definitely not pure.
Why has so much changed?
This isn't me.
I need to get back to where I was.
You could help me get there.
Please be a good influence.
Please take me to church.
I need you and I need God.
Help me feel good about myself again.
I don't want to compromise anymore.
From now on,
I am in this for me.

Riding in your truck,
Just you and me.
Off to see a football game.
The conversation was lite on the way there.
We talked about next year,
How great it will be to have our own house.
We talked about who we want to join us here,
How you will stay out of my way when I am having one of my "days."
We watched the game,
Saw old friends,
Met your family,
Snuggled in the bleachers.
When I said I was cold you offered your warmth,
When I said I was tired you offered your shoulder,
When I said I didn't understand this game you offered your knowledge .
On the way home we talked about relationships,
The good ones and the bad ones.
It seems we both have had more of the latter.
I can't help but think I missed my chance with you.
I wish I could go back to last year,
Make my move while I had the chance.
Now when I really see it's someone like you I want it's too late.
I wish I could have sat in the middle seat of your truck,
I wish I could have had your arm around me,
I wish you could offer your cheek for me to gently kiss.
I will forever be your friend because I still want to have at least one great guy in my life.

Let me go,
Let me be free.
Release me please.
I am moving on I swear,
But the careless mentions,
The random appearances are wearing me down.
I just need to get back to normal,
But what if I don't remember what that is anymore?
I have strayed so far,
Broken down who I once was.
I need a return to You,
But why does that seem so hard.
They all are speaking ill of Your name,
Damning Your presence.
I need a return to You.
Please help me find who I am again.
Bring me back to You.

I admit it was a little odd being in your place again,
Especially without you.
But I did have a blast.
The boys played their game with Family Guy in the background,
Kara and I baked,
And we all laughed.
We were amazed to see what everyone is like sober,
And really they aren't much different.
Chase was still confused about everything,
James was still a smart ***,
But one person was a little different.
Evan was joking,
Laughing,
Smiling.
He was being polite,
Offering to help bake,
Offering to let us play their game.
You all may think Evan is a stick in the mud,
But I think he is a sweetheart.

The air is cleared,
status set.
You told me exactly what I knew I would hear,
what I needed to hear.
Friends,
I can do that.
I have before,
I can again.
I will admit it's going to ache for a bit,
but I can still do passing waves,
quick hugs,
and friendly smiles.
I guess I can finally start accepting
all the reasons everyone said
you were so wrong for me.
I don't need your issues,
I have my own.
I will still be a shoulder to lean on,
a ear to listen,
a mouth to speak words of encouragement.
I will still come over every weekend
for drinks and music.
I will still be there to watch you disappear in to your misery
as you pour more alcohol down your throat.
But I do owe you a thank you,
you have given me the inspiration to write again,
to create again.
You have introduced me to many talents,
and quite a few good times.
And I could never thank you enough
for showing me what your poison does to people.
And why I will never touch it again.
At least not like you do.
So it may not be the normal thing to do,
but thank you.
I know you will always be a true friend,
and I can only offer you the same in return.

This can't happen,
No not again.
I fall too easy,
Misinterpret friendly gestures,
Kind words.
"You are right,
You don't want to get caught up in him,
His issues."
You are so right Mister,
I want to get caught up in you.
But I can't let this happen.
I can't let my mind warp the text messages,
The hugs,
The invites.
I can't ruin this one too.
I like having you as a friend,
I can't mess this one up.
Quick someone talk me out of this,
Tell me it can't happen.
He is too old,
Too talented,
Too tall,
Anything,
Please just tell me it can't work.
Stop me before I wreck my world.

It's official,
I'm moving on.
It's clear you like her,
So thanks for the warning.
We can still be friends,
I won't be bitter.
I am really used to this sort of thing.
How can I move on so quickly?
It's easy when you are accustomed to the hurt.
It's really fine,
I will find a man without the baggage,
I was willing to take yours on,
But you wouldn't let me in.
I admit you had me wound in pretty tight,
Tangled in your web.
Now I have broken free,
And I can see,
You were right,
I am better off without you.

I traced a map on the back of his hand,
I hoped it would lead me away from you.
I made wishes on stars,
On 11:11 alarm clocks,
On dandelions.
I keep getting lost and finding my way back to you.
My wishes aren't coming true.
I pick myself up just to watch myself fall.
Maybe I like the hurt,
The chase,
The thrill of you.
You've made my walls come down,
Made me loosen up my strict values,
Set me free.
You gave me my first taste of poison,
My first sip of sin,
My first rebellion.
Thank you, 
But I feel that you are telling me to move on.
I don't want to,
But dear friend,
It's up to you.

Hey hey black bird,
Picking off the pavement.
What a life you must have,
Flying at whim,
Sitting in branches.
Why do you burn your feet on this pavement?
Why do you hunt for bits in this man made waste land?
A black top lot is no place for you black bird.
I wish I could join you, soar away,
Alone, but not lonely.
Ruffle my glossy black feathers in the morning dew,
This is no place for you black bird,
Fly away for those of us who can't.

I thought his touch would cure me,
but it only left me aching.
I thought his words would soothe me,
but they only left me wondering.
I thought his smile would lift me,
but so far it's bringing me down.
I thought our midnight confessions would clear the air,
but now it's more foggy than before.
I thought waking up in his arms would be heaven,
but I am still as lost as ever.
I thought he would make me forget about the others,
but he just brought back the memories.
I thought he would make the buzzing go away,
but now I know I just think too much.

My days are spent daydreaming,
wishing,
plotting,
planning,
motivating,
thinking,
l­onging,
giving up.
It's funny how words,
phrases,
text messages,
or a lack there of,
can send me in to a spin,
my head dizzy with emotion.
This is such a rollercoaster.
The ride is fun for a little bit,
but the unpredicability is killing me.
I am black and white,
this is grey.
Tell me the answers,
even if they hurt,
at least I will know,
because the not knowing
is slowly taking it's toll.

Laying in his arms felt like treason,
Why after wanting it for so long?
All I could think about was you,
He kept asking about you,
"How is he? You guys official yet?"
"No, and I don't think we ever will be,
So just hold me tonight."
We talked about life,
It came back to you.
We talked about death,
It came back to you.
We talked about relationships,
It came back to you.
It felt so good to be in his arms,
But I kept thinking,
"If only it was you."

Without you there is no inspiration,
good or bad.
I am lifeless,
there is no feeling,
no emotion.
I am going through the motions of everyday
till you find your way back to me again.
You are in a place where no one knows your name,
you can start fresh,
be yourself.
I am stuck in this dust bowl,
looking for comfort,
seeking out friendships.
You are breathing clean air,
I am ******* in exaust and dust.
You are in an indie rock haven,
ska escape,
metal homeland.
I am swirling in country music,
wailing gospels,
classic rock FM static.
Come home soon.
The usuals miss you.

If you don't want me
then just push me away now.
My ego isn't big enough
to keep up this game.
I get it.
I'm not the girl for you.
It was her,
and she is gone.
Just tell me now.
Push me away while I can still walk,
still breathe.
I am growing so tired,
so restless.
I need to find comfort somewhere.
If it isn't in your arms,
maybe it is in the bottom of a bottle,
the touch of a stranger.
Push me away.
I don't deserve you.
Push me away.
Just do it gently,
because someone will have to pick up the pieces
when I break.

If I find my way into your arms
under the cover of night and the
haze of our brand of poison,
please don't push me away.

Even if it's just for the night,
let me lay by your side,
hide in your embrace.
Let me relish in your warm scent,
your soft touch.

Don't call me cute
and I won't call you handsome.

It can be just us for the night.
We can forget our pasts,
our sorrows.
Take comfort in me,
and I will do the same with you.

I'm tired.
Tired of reading meanings into words you slurred.
Tired of trying to impress you.
Tired of trying to look hot enough for you.
Tired of being called cute.
Tired of being called nice.
Tired of being called sweet.
I am tired.
Tired of trying to win you over.
Tired of you thinking you are too messed up for me.
Tired of trying to be perfect.
Tired of never getting a second look.
Tired of not having my fun.
Tired of you not being here with me.
Tired of my image.
Tired of my status.
I am so tired.
Please take me in,
Revive me.
We can be reborn together.
Recharge our souls on a playlist,
On a sip of poison,
On a touch of skin.
Take me in,
I am just too tired.

Watching his slow self-destruction,
His heart crumbling away,
I can see the pain in his eyes
And the aching in his face.

I wish I knew what to say,
What to do.
Would he let me in if I tried?
I can be his support and so much more.
A confidante,
A friend,
A lover.

His restless eyes are growing darker,
And I only hope I am not too late.

"Too sweet,"
is what he said.
Little did he know
it had been said to me before.

I don't care if there are skeletons in his closet,
daemons in his past.
I will sit and listen to all his problems,
listen as he talks about "done me wrongs."
I want to make him feel pure again,
whole again.
I want to help him forget
all the girls that have done him wrong.

I have a past too,
sure it may not be very bad,
but I have seen my share of hurt,
heartache,
unjustice.

He won't "corrupt" me,
or pass his bad habits on to me.
I have proven myself before.
I can be paitent,
wait my turn.
Prove myself worthy,
and hopefully he will choose me in return.