ring,
i tell the phone.
be anyone.
i don't care who.

i would even take a bill collector right now.
at least we would have
something
to talk about.

it's dark
and i'm alone and drunk
again
and i just want someone
to call.

i want a warm voice
to hold back the dark
i want to know that i'm
not the only one alive
in the world at
this
very moment.

ring
i tell the phone
bring me good news or
good friends promising
good times.

i don't want ***,
i don't want to be held,
i don't want sweet nothings.
i want someone to drink with
someone to talk
deep talks with
i want you
to ring.

ring ******.
ring.

this misery wants company
this no one
wants someone.

ring.
please ring.

you're drunk and *******
screaming between
spewing *****
how you have
always
hated me.

i'm terrified but i
refuse
to give you the pleasure
so,
as you smash your fist through the plaster by my head
i laugh and wipe absently at the tears.

you roar
and fume
and spit how you're going to **** me
i double dog dare you to try
making sure i grin wide to show you i mean it.

landing on the floor
in a sweaty heap
still mumbling about
the time i lost your mother's necklace
you pass out.

it hits me then,
laying in bed
like a truck
or a train
like your hate filled fists
punching holes in the walls.

i shake
and i cry under that hand
that crept up and clamped itself over my mouth.
i'm helpless
and afraid
and as i watch you sleep
i wonder if the buses have started running
and if
you would even notice
or care
if i was gone in the morning.

walk slow with me
cause love isn't easy
my heart is haunted by
the ghosts of pain
torn through
leaving weak and brittle pieces
glued together.

walk slow
through the rain
at night
as we look at houses
and talk long winded talks
about all the heavy subjects
children
talk about.

we run and we fall
scraping knees
and bruising egos
and making a huge mess of
a once good thing.

walk slow
i begged
but you had to run
to jump
leap and fly
and now
it's all behind you
a misty dream that may
or may not have
really happened.

and still i stroll along
wondering when
if ever
you'll come back
and tell tall tales
of all those wonderful things
you saw
way up there in the sky.

i wish i were drunk.
it's hot as hell and you dropped
another hint that it stopped
being fun for you weeks ago.

i did what i could
but what i could do
wasn't enough and
you suddenly decided
i'm not what you're looking for.
the used car in the lot
you just had to test drive.
yes, it's the right price
but god look at those dents...

i'm sick of the ****
the windows are painted shut
it's just me and the heat
trapped in this **** house...

i pour myself a glass
jack over ice
and sit staring out the window
wishing it bothered me more that you left.
lack of tears just prove it
doomed from the start

i knew this time would come
i knew it
hell
i caused it.
being happy too long is for suckers anyway.

the ***** helps my head
and the heat
sweaty and
suddenly bored with
brooding over your
tantrum

i find a cig in the couch
light it
and blow choking clouds
maybe my luck is starting to turn...

i am not your toy.
i can not be stored away
in the dark and dust
till you decide you want to
play.

you tell me how much you care
just not like that
as you sift through the pools of
our discarded clothes.
you assure me it was all in fun
and of the good times we had
and maybe if i'm lucky
the good times i have to come.

you were out the door
before the pillow was cold.
and i was smoking the cig
you left me.
i finish up the tasks that were beyond you
and lay satisfied and sleepy
laughing at
your promise of attention later
if it worked out.

weeks passed
and one day
you storm
through
all **** and vinagar
cause you heard of good times
i found
on my own.

you throw all the old
sticks and stones
hooting and hollering
over so much spilt milk.

you never understood did you?
never really got a handle on the fact
that tied down means tied down
together
if you want to be free
then
you're free
and i'm free
and this free woman
acts accordingly.

i am not a toy
that can be stored away
in the dark and dust till
you decide
you want to
play.

and
i'm not sorry
not for a second.

such news can only be broken over coffee
bad burned coffee
leftovers switched from one *** to another
this ****** smoked filled cafe
home to drunks and low lifes
insominacs and druggies shaking
over coffee.

you tell me all about her
like somehow
that makes it better.
how she makes you feel
how lost you were
before.

i stir in sugar and cream
till the burned coffee taste
fades
i sip and nod
adding more sugar because
my hands need something to do.

i grin and joke
thank god no one was hurt
right?
god
what crap
straining between my
teeth, glued
in that chiseled smile
because
well
what else could i say?

you sigh
relieved
and all kinds of pleased with yourself
yes
at least we can be adults about this.

i excuse myself
and cry in the bathroom
and when i come back
we are out of sugar
and my coffee has gone cold.

every time you come into town
you toss things around
making a giant mess.
i've always missed you so much
and you are always gone
so long...

you come home
for a week or two
and we're kids again
walking home in the rain
laughing and swimming through the
downpour.

every time you come home I
drown
in memories
and I love you all over again.
the bad blood never stains,
it's the good memories i can never
wash out.

every time you come home
we drown in each other
till
sooner or
later
memory lane dead ends and
it's time for you to go
again.

i'm always so surprised when
you pack up and keep on truckin without
batting an eye
see ya
so long
see you around thanksgiving
like it's a day away.
and the pain in my chest is worse
then it was the first
second
or third time.

i'll never learn
and
i'll fall for it
every time.
how unfair of you
being the one that gets away
again
and again
and again
and....