you
yes you,
look up.
just for a moment.
notice me,
hold my stare.

every morning
you're there
same cup of orange juice
same newspaper
same half eaten muffin

i'm here every morning too
i have my usual drink
my usual dog earred book
my bagel
why haven't you
noticed me
like i
always
seem
to notice
you.

come on sugar
look up for just a second
and see the rest of your life
quietly reading in the corner.

come on baby
come on
look up.

there is a pain inside my head
but it's dull and
far away.
my sweat stinks of
whiskey and gin
and my mouth tastes like
mistakes made.

another night
a drunken vacation from
the shame.
you said you had a bad day
i was getting drunk
so you wanted
to do the same.

and for a night
the good ol days
weren't so far away
and we knew nothing of the ache
waiting for us in the morning.

that night
we were exactly who
we wanted to be
doing
exactly
what we wanted
to do.
there were no problems
no broken hearts
no debt
no death
in sight.

there was me
there was you
a night to stretch
and bottles to ****.

rats
run through the walls
scratching and chewing
and fighting over my crumbs.

i know your there...
i see your tails and hear your nails
skittering across the broken tiles

a inch or two of plaster
between you and me.
you chewing through
right by my tossing and turning head.

the sticky traps catch dust
the poison would **** the dog
so we are left to the
old rusty snaps
the blood stained
guillotine
sticky with caked blood and hair
of your fallen brothers
and sisters
and god knows
how many other relations.

i hate the snap
i hate the painful squeals in the night
i hate the ones that catch
but dont die.

i hate all that
but not as much
as
i
hate
rats.

the last check
a startling
$393.45

minus the
$200
for rent
brings us
to
$193.45

from there
its either the
$139 electric bill
already a month
past due...
or the $66.57
for the cell bill
or the
$89 total
for
gas
tv
and
internet.

there is also the growing
student loans but
fat chance on that one.
i can't even remember
how much
i owe.

there is the matter of food
but in truth
i could stand to loose
a few.

i could blow it
all
on *** and *****
which helps me sleep
instead of crying
for hours
in the dark.

i could just
cash it
and
light it all on fire

either way
its a small drop in an
empty bucket
evaporating
slowly.

either way
its one month left
and then...

lost my job today.
and
i started drinking cause
well
i have nothing to do tommorow.

i cried a bit
but quickly realized
it did nothing
but give me a headache.

i should worry
of course
about rent
about food
about all the other bills
crushing me to death.
i should worry about a lot.

but for right now
right this very second,
i'm just sitting
drinking and writing
like all of you readers
asked me how my day was.

all i have
right now
right this very second
is a cold beer
and four more in the fridge.

and for some reason...
that's just fine.
and
i'm not worried
at all...

you left me here alone with him
and i could **** you right about now.
the smile pinned to my face begins to hurt
and the well timed nods make my neck ache.

he is the kind of stupid
that knows
everything
about everything
and wants you to listen in
wide eyed awe as he tells you
exactly
how wrong you are
and why.

he offends every sense i have.
his tacky talk and awful aftershave
he sweats buckets and leaves a slick slime
every time he touches me.
he laughs that donkey's bray of a laugh
and stares at my **** while he jokes about
enjoying the view.
he paws at me and decides i owe him something
for the smoke
he offered
that i was dumb enough to take.

i search for an exit but there is none.
as he goes into another ******* yarn about
something no one cares about
my head is pounding with...

i could **** you right about now.
i could **** you right about now.
i could **** you right about now.

try
try
and try
again.

to be a better person
to make the right choices
to knock down those walls
to give a ****.

it's definitely easier
to not try
to not give a ****.
spend my days walking those clouds
riden the red eye
high up and far away from the people
directly next to me.
grin as they shake thier heads
and
tsk
tsk
tsk...
hell,
i could do it forever.

but the one who really matters
my star player
well, that reflection looks deep inside
with those sad eyes of hers
from her framed place up on the wall
and
well
****
you can't run from that.
can't lie when she knows
the truth.

so i try
and try
and try
again.
busted broken beaten
refusing to stay down.
fighting cause it's
the only thing worth doing
anymore.