[PART 1]

**** everyone that’s ever been a friend of mine
Everyone that I ever loved until the end of time
So sick of sunshine, nothing but black clouds in my mind
I Sit seeing signs knowing that sometime soon it’s time
Seems we find a man stained with blood, spinning insane ****
Disaster’s in my lane but like Tech I pin and frame it
Don’t blame it on me when you embrace the inner furry
Spitting hurried words in a flurry, speaking absurdly
Has it occurred to thee, none of you could ever hurt me?
Absurdity, I feast on emcees, no obstacles for me
Illogical, living life like a beast, it’s mythological
Must be biological, the way I ****** methodical
Psychological warfare from one who never fought fair
Pathological nightmare, drops bodies without a care
Dare any soul to try and comprehend, this is the end
Once I begin, they all cry and slowly die from within

[PART 2]

**** everybody who ever passed anywhere near me
Everybody from my past who cared and yet still feared me
Nobody shed tears for me, or ever lent an ear to me
So now it’s clear to me, none of you are sincere to me
I disappear into madness filling my words with a blackness
No amount of cannabis can ever undo this sadness
Don’t ask me about my past; don’t think you’ll get past the mask
This just might be the last time you’ll EVER hear from my ***
Demons in mass and alas, I’m tangled within their grasp
Surpassed my peers and alas, I got no angels to ask
I’m mangled in my mind and it’s worse now that I’m all grown
Evilness in my bones plus I gets no rest in my dome
But I’m home at last with this pent up anger being shown
I’m alone; not a gang banger but I still hold the chrome
Come off my throne and try and comprehend, this is the end
Once I begin, they all cry and slowly die from within

When your heart turns cold you slowly fall apart and your life unfolds
You can't understand how I behave? Just wait till your soul turns old
Sometimes I feel my hearts about to freeze, spreading through my body
Eating away at every part like a ruthless feeling disease
A baby's cry means nothing and loneliness is a routine friend
You spend your days wondering would anybody care if they end
When your heart grows cold you turn to smoke because your hope's destroyed
Can't do things you once enjoyed, hurt and love become things to avoid
Walls that were down now stand firm and tall fueled by the burn of alcohol
Safe from hate, love, pain and joy until you feel nothing at all
When your heart turns cold death seems tranquil, a dead corpse is trivial
Over the course you lose the will to stop, even if you get killed
Sleeping is never pleasant, and that's if you even sleep at all
Who can you call when your heart turns cold? And who would care if you fall?
You forget ideals, turning of reason so the product gets sold
You don't understand how I behave? Just wait till your heart turns cold!

In the space of a second it started out in silence
Occasionally laced with evidence of a deeper sense
**** was tense for a while as a couple of juveniles
Got you flashing them shy smiles but couldn't change my style
Who was I? What were my reasons for doing what I did?
Even as a kid it was borrowed time until a bid
Can't understand how you decided I should be your man
To caught up in my scams and too cautious to take your hand
A ******* who never had a plan to succeed
Could never plant his seeds or be there for the things you need
As the years slid by I knew out ties would soon sever, so
I don't believe her when she tells me it's getting better
Receiving these letters dotted with tears, I have no choice
Reading, "After all these years, I still need to hear your voice"
I pick up the phone for a moment and listen to the tone
Dialing all but one number, I'm better off alone.

[PART 2]

It was such a surprise the first time we said our goodbyes
Caught on the spot by the teardrops that fell from your eyes
Just a sucker for a woman who cries, who would have thought?
Got me making these promises to give it another shot
Soon as I give it a go, the regrets begin to show
Got me taking my steps, walking with my head low
Depression will soon follow later replaced by questions
Face to face with myself asking "why can't I learn my lesson?"
Looking in from the outside makes it clear I can’t decide
Sitting on four flat tires while trying to steer the ride
Now it's time to pass the blame for the **** we share the same
The pointless game with the aim of spitting on eachother’s name
Knowing in the end it's going full circle once again
We got it down to an art and it's useless to pretend
Now that we both played our parts and left with two broken hearts
What else are we to do but go right back to the start.

[PART 3]

I’ll probably never understand your ways until the day
Me and you can finally call it quits and break away
Yesterday you ruined my life, *****, today you make it rich
This **** contradicts itself, it's like we don't have a niche
I swear somewhere there's gotta be a place to clear the air
Cause we wouldn't still be together if we didn't care
Instead of arguments and claims of years we both resent
How can we vent the pent up pains and be content?
These are the memoirs of a man tired of hitting the bars
Downing shots of Tanqueray drowning my memories scars
In the beginning the perfect couple we envisioned
Lost momentum when all we tried to do is be like them
Making a living, white picket fence and a couple children
The American dream split and left another ending
Perhaps the time spent together was a lapse in judgment
No second guessing, now were reflecting on lessons lent.

[PART 1]

Can you picture planting seeds in the hopes they breathe?
Deceived by a world they never got a chance to see
Conceived by mistake, so unforeseen what we create
In a dreamlike state without a gleam of hope for fate
Waiting to grow, another rose that's choose not to bloom
So it's doomed to never know what lies beyond the womb
Consumed by circumstances and never had a chance
Couldn't finance this new life so they halt its advance
I understand it's for the best, and no fault to confess
So rest your head and release the pressure in your chest
Couldn't blame her but couldn't answer if I'd do the same
No train of thought, still so unsure of what would have came
Never got a name and never got a resting spot
Only got a drop of a life that had to stop
The talk of a silent voice who didn't have a choice
A sacrifice by design with no time to rejoice

[PART 2]

Though upon conception we had our own perceptions
Stressing if we could give this child both of our blessings
So many questions, would you get to grow? Am I wrong?
But I’ll never get to know and so I carry on
So much pressure on my brain about what would of came
How could something the size of a grain cause so much pain?
Aimed to give you more but there was no future in store
A life of living poor, held back by to many doors
My attempt at apology, I wished you better
Never thought I’d talk to you like this, through a letter
So here we sever with teardrops as you disappear
And it's clear, I never thought this is where it would steer
Endeared with love to the life that the whole world forgot
Hoped to rise above to give you things I never got
It's written for the silent voice, didn't have a choice
A sacrifice by design with no time to rejoice

Let's not talk of wishes, but instead, let me speak of action
about this delicious woman who makes my heart weak with passion
Alas, 2 perfect hearts nearly three thousand miles apart
Smart enough to ignore it and not give up before I start
every part of me aching to know you as intimately
and intricately as I can such a complex woman
Knowing somehow that we were meant for something greater down the road
Knowing that if I were to lose you, my own heart would implode.
Normally, I am not one to be this sappy, but you should know
All I really want is to make you happy, and see if we can grow.

Demons of depression, yet suppressing the aggression
Beacons of expression, repressing the only question.
Stressing twenty four seven, wonder “why the **** bother?”
Been a failure as a husband, son and even father
I'm the author writing hurried words, looking for perfect verbs
Words to describe how fake my life feels anymore, it's absurd
Eyes that can never be blurred, emotions I can't relate to
Even when my speech is slurred I can't escape the real truth
Who could reach me? Am I really just a hopeless basket case?
Who could teach me? Is it a waste to read to look upon my face?
Chased by ***** angels leaving my ******* mind mangled
A perfect life dangled, but trapped in a web that's too tangled
Strangled in my bedsheets, I wake up gasping for air asking
how I can defeat these demons and escape without crashing

Now let me tell you about this woman i adore
Be sure, too much of her you're coming back 4 more
She's *******, causing me to be a maniac
The fact is, she's influencing the way i act
I react in kind knowing that she's always mine
A certain knack for being there at the right time
Ask how deep i care, with you i can always sleep
So unique as a pair cause you got that mystique
Not a peep baby, cause you know your my lady
Much love, even if you are a little shady
Pop off your top and now I'm begging not to stop
I know you want me and you know you’re all i got
I bring you to my lips and drink deep from your kiss
I feel the heat and a growing sense of wellness
The bliss i feel from leaving you completely drained
Helped to keep me sane when i split from Mary Jane

[PART 2]

I get a taste, from then on it’s about the chase
My friends say it's a waste because your just a case
And so i pace myself, she was twenty two and tall
Say my name and i answer every time you call
After all, I've known her since i was a juvenile
So many styles that i long to walk the isle
While sometimes you make me sick, i try not to trip
Blurry eyed, i say that I’ll leave but i don't mean it
It's like she's got this grip that keeps pulling me back
Flaunting her perfect rack, cutting me zero slack
Now my heads spinning thinking about this weekend
Come meet my friends, pass out then do it all again
It ain't healthy but you love me poor or wealthy
Regardless, i ignore everything they tell me
Though forty, you were never really above me
Can somebody tell me, does she really love me?

[PART 3]

Dear Miss Tanqueray, maybe we should make the break
I shake at the thought but I've had all I can take
She raised the stakes and left me nothing in her wake
Is it too late to break the habit she creates?
How can I illustrate the good times without the bad?
This fate I designed got me resigned and living sad
I had no clue you could do the things you do
And who would of thought I’d come running back to you?
It was so plain that I never seen your mind games
And still I find myself struggling to refrain
Where do I place the blame? A fatal attraction
Remember he catching my eye and my reaction
No traction, head on in her grip and now I'm gone
Through the intersection, till then it never dawned
Spawned a head on scene complete with broken bodies
A whole family gone before I knew she got me.

Don't try and help me, these ***** angels got a hold of me
A bottle of Old E to stay cold is all I need G
If you can reach me I need help, somebody please teach me
This *******'s like a leach and I can't hear them preach
Each day you stay away, I surface stronger to make you pay
Ain't no way to stray from this curse and it ain't no use to pray
These highs and lows got me ecstatic and feeling hollow
At times I wanna die, **** back and let the bullet follow
Why wallow in self-pity? embrace it and take the city
A man with **** to loose is a man who does as he chooses
I'm confused, It's like I'm walking in two different peoples shoes
One minute I'm about to blow, the next it seems I'm defused
***** and liquor with marijuana to make me sicker
Chased by a swisher, I run up on you and squeeze the trigger
*SOMEBODY STOP ME!! By now somebody should have shot me
Don't try and help me because now these ***** angels got me

Don't try and help me, these ***** angels got a hold of me
A bottle of OLD E to stay cold is all I need, G
If you can teach me I need help, somebody please reach me
This *******'s like a leech, he won't let me hear you preach
Each day I stay away, the farther I feel myself stray
This psychos after pay and would **** anyone in his way
Ain't no use for you to pray, you're God is like a recluse
All the Hail Mary’s you say won't help you when I'm on the loose
Ain't it scary that the very excuse you use gave me breath?
You pair me with yourself and made me, were together till death
No! If you're close to me say you're goodbyes, I'm in his shadows
I can't help but follow, when I die where will I go?
Slow down and look around, were walking in the same pair of shoes
He moves without a sound, he's the man you didn't think you knew
In time it's true, I got your mind before you ever caught me
Somebody please try to stop me, these ***** angels got me

[PART 2]

I close my eyes tight, recite a prayer, tonight one of us goes
One bullet to bite, I don't wanna fight it but the fright grows
Froze in the grip of this calamity my sanity slips
Feel the humanity and the tragedy of this ****
I try to split away, blacking out like I'm losing days
Backtracking my steps, a *******'s acting out of phase
Got me standing on the edge of becoming a full-fledged beast
Feel the release of tucking a piece strutting through any streets
Give a **** in the least, let them coward ******* be deceased
It don't cease to amaze me the freedom of being crazy
Liquor to fade me while *******'s are screaming save me
Since I was a baby, don't you come near me cause I'm shady
The killers endear me while all my other peers fear me
You best to steer clear, if you wanna help me, don't even try
You wonder why I stay intoxicated till I die
Refuse to cry, abuse alcohol and love to get high.

Nobody cared to save me, looked past like nobody's there
Since a baby, thoughts came to fast for me to bare
Come read to me some poetry, make it vanish away
Sooth this restless feeling, banish thoughts of the day
Is there a way to stop the stress you would care to address?
Thoughts of bullet proof vests and shots aimed at my chest
We live to express, take aim poetically with my pen
Spin this web of sin, no need for this religion
As children were walking in the steps we hoped to follow
Unforgiving, **** tomorrow was the motto
Swallowed in the grip of this ****, now how can I explain
Became a hollow pit, overcame growing insane
Feelings of sadness and longing that's not akin to pain
Resembling sorrow only as mist resembles rain
In the midst of the last chapter, running out of laughter
After it's said and done, would it even matter?

[PART 2]

Look how they used to say pray and one day we'd find our way
what’s the use these days? I'm hopeless, my mind would stray
Nobody even noticed the loaded pistol in my fist
Breathless, got the kiss of death walking in my midst
The sickness wrapped itself around my brain, now what remains?
Whatever distracts the pain helping me sustain
Liquor in my veins hoping to god they catch me faded
Gone of gin again, fully eradicated
Catch me sleeping in the dark, if you got the heart, then blast
I'm having visions of closed caskets and ski masks
They ask me to tell them, if it's hell then why don't I leave?
Like Lenore, the bell tolls, weep now or never more
What I'm living for? Maybe a peaceful night of sleep
Reap what I sew, hoping death slows to just a creep
Peak into the last chapter, were running out of laughter
After it's said and done, would it even matter?

[PART 3]

Her every tone is music's own in a way you never heard
And something more than melody dwells in her words
Who could tell one day she'd leave? passed away,  not many grieve
Conceived to fade away, replaced by a new breed
Of her bright face, one glance will trace a picture on the brain
And in our hearts is a sound that must long remain
My memory contains thoughts of her that always endear
Taught me these lessons, her expressions always clear
I save my tears in the hopes she reappears once again
A few chosen men with pens to begin once again
I burn no candles and hang no wreath upon this tomb
Can't cheer the place of grief but only mock it's gloom
Doomed to never shed a tear or bring flowers in their stead
They lose their perfume and power when offered to the dead
Like I said, it's the last chapter, running out of laughter
After it's said and done, would it even matter?

Funny how a glance could turn into more than just a chance
Enhance the vibe as I slide up and return the advance
Dear Medina; It’s crazy how we dance to our own tune
Like ballerinas, It’s a romance just waiting to bloom
Consumed by the bottle, this alcohol’s got me full throttle
I take another swallow thinking where we’ll be tomorrow
Would you follow me there and throw caution to the air?
Without a care how it ends, and no sense to be prepared
As we sit and stare I knew, someday we would say “I do”
With our names tattooed on our chest for the world in plain view
It’s true, nothing could compare to it when I’m here with you
But I wonder when solitaire, is trouble overdue?
When I’m alone I fear that you’d be better off without me
One minute you’re here, then the next you seem to disappear
Hard to be sincere when I know I should be shedding tears
But instead, I holler cheers, tip my glass and down my beer

*****, funny how it seems we’re the wrong plan in the wrong hands
It feels like a dream, if I wake would I be another man? *

[PART 2]

I don’t wanna call it quits, but ****, I feel like this is it
Cause if we gotta split its better if we could do it quick
Who would predict and who knew this is where the bricks would fall?
After all the late night calls and all our pics up on the wall
I can’t recall a time I didn’t have you on my mind
It’s like we were entwined and without you I was blind
Please don’t remind me, please erase it from my very thoughts
If we both forgot, we could find the love we never got
Somewhere it’ll stop yet somewhere I know we both still care
Somehow unaware of what a precious bond we share
I run my fingers through your hair, now here we go again
I kiss her on the chin and pull her closer to my skin
Let’s not pretend, it’s clear cause we both wear it on our sleeves
Oh what a twisted web we weave when we practice to deceive
Can’t believe I almost walked away in the mania
How could I forget a girl named Jay from Romania?

[PART 3]

Funny it seems but reckless has always been our thing
From scene to scene I reminisce and this has been our theme
Extreme at times, sometimes I couldn't even read the signs
Reminds me how I knew right then and there, you’d be mine
Complete surrender, caught up in the heat and all its splendor
If I had it better, id chose defeat and not remember
How sweet can be deceit if it helps me sweep you of your feet?
And would you choose to repeat or run off in retreat?
For better or worse I got ya and I know it’s vice versa
Even if we’re cursed to make the same mistakes until the hearse
The days of our lives watching the other husbands and wives
As we strive with all our drive to arrive at that point so we can thrive
Somehow we survive with happy times around the corner
Looking back on the former ills knowing their never more
****, funny how it seems we’re the wrong plan in the wrong hands
It feels like a dream, if I wake would I be another man?

Such a tragic event that would lead to all her torment
Once living content, then daddy died and the monies spent
Never cried a tear when I was near, she held it in for years
But no matter how she persevered sometimes it seemed clear
She was damaged beyond repair, of that she seemed aware
And so begins an affair of destruction and despair
She didn't care or give a **** and was the first to admit
She'd commit suicide and leave with her ******* wrists slit
Inside she was worried that the pain would never subside
She set aside the words of wisdom that her friends provide
Look where u reside, so close to the outcome reaching 4 crumbs
Feeling forever numb, deep down begging not to succumb
On a dead run to the grave cause for the pain she's a slave
Her world caved in and paved the way, now ain't no time to save
Nothing I gave could bring her back, nothing was left intact
Weary of the act, she played the game as her world turned black

And now (once again) tonight the same arguments ignite…..
Who the **** has the right to tell us we’re wrong when we fight?!
(once again) Today is filled with rage, violence in the air
Got me beating on your *** telling you nobody cares
On your life I swear, you **** up again,  best be aware
No other violence we shared before will ever compare
(once again) here we go making amends, but it’s pretend
Knowing it depends on when I get to drinking again
Still she defends me to her friends when they ask what she’s thinking
When it transcends words and she’s getting beatings without blinking
(once again)) got cha blaming yourself,  feeling so ashamed
It’s a sick game, because of you *****, look what I became
Still, I love you too much to let you leave, so you duck and weave
Such a naive woman, I care and so therefore you receive
What the **** could you hope to achieve if you walked away?
And what kind of life could you conceive if you didn’t stay?

I can't imagine not knowing you, and through this does not rhyme
or contain any real structure, i want you to know that i would do anything
for you, and think about you everyday.

To me, your name alone is poetry, and i long for the day that i can put my arms around you like I've wanted for so long. Sometimes it feels like you're the female version of myself, and though i don't believe in soul mates, if i did, i think you would be mine.

I wont deny or pretend that i want anything other than to be with you. I really think that you could be the woman I've been looking for. The type of woman i want to give everything to. The type of woman i can be hopelessly in love with. The type of woman who makes me want to be a better man. A woman i can love fully and unconditionally.