i stood
                   right on the railing
               of our bridge
                         that crosses the river
             this is
where i stood
                                for twenty minutes
                                considering the idea
                                of jumping
i thought
everything through
how (if) people would miss me
what their reactions would be
how they'd blame themselves
                and i knew
things weren't bad enough
(not yet) for me to die
                    people might not depend on me, as such
                            but people would blame themselves
and the exact same thing
would happen to them
as what happened to me
when he ended his life
                                                          how could i do this
                                                          when i know
                                                          first hand
                                                          how it felt
                                                          knowing he died
                                                          and i wasn't able
                                                          to do anything
        no, i can't
i'm not desperate enough
not yet
                    i'm trying
                    to get better
                    before i'm too sad
                    to live

your hand slides through mine
a pale figure unseen by eyes
         a cold warmth
         hold me tight
                                           you may be here
                                                  but not alive
handling lies
        after lies
                             don't leave me
                   your ghost is all i have
      though i know
                          its just me imagining it
                  but i cant let you go
                                                            i need you here
                                                        ghost or not
                                                            i need you
                                     even the thought of you
a ghost
lonely
holding my hand
supporting me
                                                   hold me love
                                                 give me a sign
                                                     help me live
                                                     because i'm struggling

What can be done to consume this feeling of emptiness
What can we done when we're broken into a million pieces
And how do we fix the broken pieces together
How do we learn to love again

What do we believe in .. when there's nothing left to believe in
What do we hope for when all dreams are blurred
How can we heal and forget the wounds when they plague our minds
How do we become blind to the scars that are left behind
What becomes inspiration when the faith fades

Are happy endings hopeful in nothing but chaos
How can we keep hoping when reality promises noone a happy ending
How can an immaculate being hurt you so profoundly
And how can you still be able to love him

When will the light outshine all the darkness
And when will the swift wind destroy all this confusion
When will stars align
And When will the moon shine at it's greatest intensity

How do we escape misery's stifling grip
And how can a fear so consuming be diminished
Can this sinking feeling be controlled
Why do we become so numb
How do we leave when we're being pulled by the forces of profound emotions
And the longing of a fragile heart

**But why .. do we all strive to be loved when love becomes so detrimental..

in three weeks
i've lost 10kg
= 22 pounds
and i didn't even notice
                i wasn't eating
                      no one did

no one holds me at night
no one hugs me in the street
no one hangs onto my hand
no one wants me
no one

a life was lost to love
                     why love when hearts are so fragile?
       i covered my arm with the ink of my pen
       rather than the usual blood with a blade
                              love is lost in the world, i'm just a grain of sand
where'd all the
beauty of the
world go?
i think it
died when
you did
                                  dreams and reality are all nightmares in the end

bogeymen are                                                         its hard to
no longer hiding                     where'd                        remember
in your cupboards                 all the                     that i'm alive
or under your beds                   beauty                           some days
they're hidden in                       go?                         because i feel
the depths of                                                         so dead
your dark mind                                                        on the                                i want to replace
ready to jump out                                                        inside                        the blood in my veins
and cause the                            a lonely poetess                                                with ink
self hate that ends                   sits in a pool of blood
in blood covered
blades