Anything, to feel nothing.

I used to wake up, six in the morning. Just enough time to smoke one before class.
Made me feel nothing for about two years.
Till my chimeras found me, through my buzz.
Tried pills, didn't work the way I planned.
First time in my life I felt even more than I was used to.
Got scared.
Maybe there is no medicin.
So the shrink gave me some medicin.
Made me numb for about six months.
Untill I lost my believes in placebo.
Tried ******* my feelings out.
Dug up some more issues.

And now, I've been sitting here, for the last two hours.
Staring at my wall.
It tells me in a foreign language that I am strong.
I painted that ****. I believed in it.
I'm not a bit stronger than the substances inside me.

I am falling in love again.

This is me, self-destructing. I will lie in front of him, naked, look into his eyes the way he wants me too and whisper in his ear the things he dreamt about. I will touch him, wherever he wants to be touched, just so he will stay the night, maybe even come back next week, when his **** wants to fill something up. And I'll be that for him. I will be that ****, but I'll be the best **** he's ever had. Cause that's the only thing I'm good at when it comes to men. I cannot be myself with them. I cannot make them fall in love with me, or make them stay. I can **** them off and hear them say that was the best ******* they've ever had. But when my anxieties kick in, they aren't here.

I am falling in love again.
Please, do it different this time. Please just walk away.

I know you didn't mean to lock me out last night,
and you were just a little too drunk and forgot about your daughter.
But it seems that you're the only mother in this town, who ever did.
I also know, you don't mean it when you say those nasty things.
You don't think I'm a failure, and you do love me.
But still it hurts to hear them, mom.
I understand you've always worked hard for us.
And now you need some time for yourself.
But you see, after seventeen years you can't just stop being a parent.
I still need you sometimes.
I know she always needed your attention more than I did.
I know I was the quiet one, with not that many problems.
But mom, the only reason I was never loud, was for you.
And I did need your attention, your time.
I was scared too, and sad.
He left me too, mom, and you keep forgetting.

I am too loud.
Too energetic.
I expect too much. It's so selfish.
I'm lazy.
Don't do **** around the house.
I'm too much of a girl and too little of a lady.
I'm too touchy.
Too scared of rejection.
When I'm asleep, I make noise and move too much.
I loose or break something every ******* week.
When I'm drunk, I think I'm so much tougher than I actually am.
And I'm such a bad friend.
A terrible daughter.
A despicable girlfriend.

You think you're ******* perfect.

I don't know. Either you gave me a million kisses. Your lips barely touched my skin, but I felt them. Oh, I felt them everywhere. Or you grabbed my neck and stuck your tongue inside me. And I just excisted in that moment, guided by your mouth. I can´t remember if you held my hand and I felt comfort, or you pinned my hands against the wall, and I felt passion. Did we make love or sins? I seem to keep forgetting, what is lust and what is tenderness.

Get up girl, don't harm yourself
Dry your salty face
Fix your make-up, grab some clothes
Look for a little change

Go out the door, into the city
Wait on the corner for one's help
Use your big eyes, the sweetest voice
Or be tough and try it yourself

Now find a place with a little peace
Ignore those staring looks
Sit down and light a cigarette
You know what's left to do

Load it, twist it, light it up
Slowly breathe her in
Close your eyes and clear your mind
It's okay to let her win

Don't think about what's happening
For now there's no more pain
You're not really alone, girl
Cause you've still got Mary Jane

Her warmth will fill your body up
Your troubles turn to dust
You think of what your tears were for
But you magicly forgot

Now go home girl and rest your head
It's been a quite hard day
And if tomorrow's harder
There's your secret runaway

I'm afraid.
Because I know me, not you.
I've seen my choise of men, and I know after today,
the way you kissed me, made me laugh
kissed me, made me laugh,
that I will fall in love with you.

I'm afraid because you're pretty.
And because most men cheat, especially the pretty ones.

I'm afraid I will forget all of this.
The pain, the healing,
and that I will eventually trust you.
Give everything I have, just like I always do.
Loose myself in your approval, love you more than I love myself.

I'm afraid that there,
at my weakest point,
you will be just like them.