it was 5 A.M  
and I couldn't sleep  
Because in the spot you used to be,
Lied silence.
Reaching over the chasm
which your body used to keep
My trailing fingertips  
Danced along the pillows where heads meet

it was 5 A.M  
and I couldn't sleep  
Because in the spot you used to be,  
There, lied me

I've written a poem for you
or rather about you
pages upon pages filled with grief
my pen gliding across tear stained pages
of memories  recite on paper that will be
filled with other girls tears
you gave me the power of writing my
grief into thousands of unpublished paper
my poems will speak to girls who cannot
find the words their hearts seek when the
boy she loves finally decides to leave

I want to be a plant
I smiled sheepishly
why oh why would you ever want to be that
they rolled their eyes at me always
but never so slightly
plants
they're so beautiful
with long limbs that dance gracefully
with the leaves intact
they hold caressing colors that catch
even a bees eyes when gathering pollen
they stand tall, some droopy but ever so
just like me
they're unnoticed for some are weeds
that get cut under a lawn mower
but somehow grow back brilliant shades of yellow
I want to be a plant that you hold in your hands
smell my perfume that reaches your nose
let me be all these things
for even a plant can be beautiful to me

I put glow in the dark stars  
on my bare wall that  
was guarded by skin drowned  
in your eyes that contained  
Galaxies of a night sky  
They guided me to the  
astrology of my stars  
Pointed me into a compass  
of north to where you are  
They glowed me into a world  
that only opened up to me  
when I came to visit you
the stars helped me  
Find my way in a brilliant  
sky filled with jewels that  
waved a path for me to  
find someone that was  
Exactly like you my dear
the glow in the dark stars  
pressed against my thumb  
are a reflection of a love  
Only two can feel  
between the stars

suitcase
I packed a suitcase
to runaway into the
Netherlands  of tomorrow
it's blue, my suitcase
and the color reminds me
of sorrow that I've caused
so I'm sorry for leaving again
but me and my suitcase must go

different people
same bodies
they all collide like a kaleidoscope
of the same colors and shapes
They're all different though
but terrifyingly the same
they share the same personality
that oozes out of their horrid bodies
they mock and cry at pain that they've
cause to my dismay
They're always different people
but connected to the same entity
trapped in cages they cry at the
Steel bars that lock their bodies
to shams with no escape
Are they really that different from
the body they once shared many
Years ago that beat my heart
Relentlessly
im tired of seeing the same people
sewed into different bodies that
taunt me the same way as before
just people trying to escape a body
They've never fought for

don't judge a book by its cover
I should have judged you
by the way you smiled

I cannot say I don't miss you  
in hushed tones of violet  
I cannot say I don't miss your  
rapid hands that wrapped  
around my fragile neck  
I cannot say I don't miss  
Your yellow mark bruises  
That washed against my skin
I cannot say I don't miss the  
violence that escaped your mouth
and found your way to your fists  
that brushed against my skin
on my legs, on my arms
on my face it found its place
Everywhere on my fragile body
that consisted of the words  
“she belongs to me”
I do not miss the hits that  
found their way to my once  
Unscratched face  
but somehow, I let you into  
my fragile life and you made  
a bruise out of me

all she wants is your attention
as your eyes wonder in different directions
love pours out of her mouth and tries
to soak into you skin to build a garden
of roses that can't be plucked but admired
by those who walk by and dare touch her roses
she's laid upon your body in shades of red
she whispers she loves you
to which your ear is pressed against the memory
of another ones lips
you can't love a person who's planted roses where
another body has already planted their flowers underneath

I never saw coffee swirls
until I looked into the
browns of your eyes

I watched the stars form
cross your freckled face
and make constellations

he said I was crazy
but did he tell you
about how the vase
smashed across my face
how his hands that were
supposed to caress me
slapped my cheekbones
how his lips were meant
for tender kisses
only spat words of demeaning hate
did he tell you how his love for me
was only when I had done something
right but when I was wrong
I was told I was worthless
did he tell you that his friends
hated me because I was crazy
but only because he told his
half of the story
did he tell you he cheats on me
but its only cheating if I don't find out
and god forbid I found a man
that wasn't like him
but I'm still crazy because
he was with me until
I stepped out and found
someone who found
me beautiful in the eyes of him

my depression envelops me
suffocating me out of
my very own feelings
I'm trapped in a constant
state of self hate
I've lost control of what I want
or even what I feel
it centers me to the sheets of my bed
to where I can't even sleep
but always overthink
it pushes my loved ones away
only making room for it to stay
my depression gravitates me
to feeling like everyones against me
I cant breathe sleep or eat
I feel so alone but in my mind
theres only company for
my depression and I
if my hearts broken its never just left at that
my whole existence will replay that
moment like a video tape
always stuck on repeat
my depression sinks me into the
pills I swallow in order to properly think
it captivates me into a different reality
far too gone from the one I'm in
it's staying in my room while
the sun comes up and peaks
through my blinds but in my
mind I'm still stuck in a world
thats filled with night time
my depression causes lack of sleep
to where no medicine can revive me
my depression is a friend to my
mind but an enemy to my giving in body
without it what could I possibly be

don't be a *****
clicks a picture of my **** self

don't be a *****
my ******* dance to the floor

don't be a *****
another strangers bed my legs drag to

don't be a *****

I stare at his **** with a mouth wide open

don't be a *****
the camera starts to open

don't be a *****
I lay exhausted  in his bed

or was it someone else bed this time

don't be a *****
I shut my eyes close

don't be a *****
until tomorrow repeat

if you ever have thoughts
of I'm not good enough
please don't listen to them
for you are the world in my hand
the reason I dream instead of wake
you are the person that I call
when other don't answer
you are the dream that consists of
flowers rooted to my feet
I don't want you to leave
I don't want to give you up
for a world that does not measure up
to a beautiful soul that resides inside of you
I know it hurts you deeply
but to feel is beautiful
to not breathe is taking the breath out of me
please do not go into another world
that does not know you like I do
the world here, with me, is the one for you
dont leave me without you
don't end your life that
I hold dearly to my heart
that only resides inside of you

I wish you could see me
the way I dripped in the
sweet memories of you

the only time
I ever see you
is when my eyes
are shut and
I start to dream

my friends tell me
not to have ***
on the first date
ill look easy they say
when two bodies meet
and try to touch every
part of their being
it's being too easy
when fingertips touch
a passing moment of grasping sheets
it's too easy
my heart doesn't long for yours
my body doesn't ache for your connection
I wish I wasn't easy
I wish I didn't please you
having *** with you took a piece of me
I wish I wasn't easy

you're not good enough
but I look into a mirror
and I feel like I'm enough

I want to erase myself
sometimes when people
dont notice that I'm not
right in the head
and not just right for you

why doesn't he respond back to me?
why doesn't he love me?
simply, to be put,
you failed his expectations

have you ever seen the burnt leaves
crumble away when fall falls to its knees
when winter starts to sing
the trees start to wither and their flowers
Start to lose their delicate petals that
cushioned them in a safe place of denial
the sky starts to get gray with
no sun in sight
Only the moon kissing the stars softly to sleep
have you ever noticed that i don't get much
time to watch the leaves change to Burgundy
Im still stuck in my petal just to wither away

you use ******* to violate me
throw my body against pavement
that is too cold for my body  
I feel the numbness spreading entirely  
freezing me in place as I watch helplessly  
It's not like I haven't masturbated  
felt the tingle in different places  
that make me lean my head back in bliss  
this is different I'm not in bliss  
I'm in a company of a stranger who  
meets no end until his plate is
Satisfied by my naked body  
I wonder if I feel good  
I must if this is happening to me  
my body reaches for a hand to reach  
pull my soul out of this abused boy  
its raw
it hurts
make it stop
I'm seeing black spots  
my body is being taken away from me  
a delicacy that I cannot obtain  
you reach your hand further down  
into the very crown of my existence  
You're violating me in ways I can't explain
They're not tender either  
And I swear I've seen that young face of  
yours somewhere out here before

he buys flowers for her on Wednesdays
not because he's supposed to or
even if her last petal falls and she's
in need of a few more
but because Wednesdays are for her
she deserves ever last flower
on every single day
but ill stick to our Wednesdays
and buy her flowers meant for more

i potted a plant
In a tiny brownish ***
to where it could grow and grow and grow
i watered it everyday but to my dismay
it never even grew not even an inch
my tiny plant you see was actually me
an no matter how many compliments
you watered into me I would never grow
because i didn't believe in the sweet lies
That people tried to feed me
i was potted into a body that never succeeded
in life or in herself
my body was forsaken to never grow not even
when sunlight kissed down to reach me
My leaves never sprout
my soil never glistened with water specks
my bud never bloomed and sure enough
i knew i was doomed to never grow into
those beautiful flowers that shed their petals
i was like a dandelion and once you blow on me
im suddenly gone in the wind being carried out
into a lost world with a lost soul
i never grew to be pretty no matter how much
you watered me and stubbornly id never grow
to be like the other flowers who were too **** pretty
Im just a bud seed waiting to sprout but never
getting my chance to bloom so beautifully

define cute for me  
I asked with a smile tugged at the sides  
well it's clearly you  
you easily replied  
I contemplated if I even was cute  
because all my life I had been called  
beautiful in the words of a boy's mouth  
but cute meant that I was underneath the  
spectrum of what beautiful meant  
I was someone that was just cute  
fuzzy and warm that held a boy's stare
but never his interests  
I wanted to be beautiful to you  
like I was to them  
the boys who I had mistaken for men  
but to you I was the definition of cute  
and beautiful was meant for  
women who completed men

There's a galaxy growing inside me
filled with cosmos that shoot across  
my star fill gazed that pulls you away
I'm the Milky Way covered by your  
solar system that erupts my universe  
into one with yours
we're the constellation couples trace out  
with their fingertips as they say  
"did you see that star that shines the brightest,
that's you my love"
I'm the universe that makes you whole
and without me I'm afraid you'd be a black hole  
because when are cosmos connect and are stars
shine their best with beauty so bright we become
the solar system that joins our planets together  
and combines our bodies into one galaxy

my flushed pink skin is laced with
delicate lingerie that blooms
my sealed virginity  in a secret garden
That no one can tame the weeds from
spreading in by caressing my body
In your tainted soil hands that pluck
my roses away one by one until
theres nothing left but a barren waste
land of dirt that no longer lets my
flowers bloom in outskirts of my ******
Youve plucked away at me
saying that roses are far too red for
a body that holds only the purest of colors
you stole my virginity by detaching my
body from the place it called its garden
You let the weeds grow inside of me
let the flowers wither down into nothing
now all i grow is the soil filled with weeds
my virginity cries at the stolen sight
that is no longer finger painted with beauty
my gardens virginity is a wasteland for a
***** that only grows weeds inside of me

my sister said my glass were far too
big for such a tiny head
she's only thirteen so I can't really
blame her rude behavior
even though that comment didn't sting
it did leave a footprint in my memory
you see when you live to twenty
all the care of the worlds seem
so small and stupid
which is why it didn't really bother me
because when she grows to be twenty
she too will see that glasses being too
big for such a tiny head will not
be another worry to her list
of bigger things to worry on about
I laughed at her attempt to make a
joke at my expense because I'm
twenty and I'm living a life
thats only made for me

the sun kissed me today
and I started to glow yellow
from the beams that touched
my brown eyes and turned
them to gold

I always wondered why
I wasn't good enough for the likes of you
maybe it was because your mom said
my depression was too much mixed in with you
maybe its because all your friends hated me
and I had no clue
but I always wondered why I wasn't good enough for you
not even a little not even a bit
I searched for the answer everywhere I went
and when I finally enrolled back into college
I thought you'd see me in a new light
love me for who I was but that still
wasn't enough for the likes of you
but I've finally come to realize
you're just a silly boy with dreams far bigger than me
and I'm just a girl waiting to touch the stars
even though I'm not good enough for such a silly boy
I found out I'm always good enough for the likes of me

causes unknown
hatred for those who
lied to my face
about what they had carried into
my body that was once so clean
yesterday was so different from today when I found out the news
dont say you didn't know
I can see through those lies you've spoken to other girls
a disease you've carried into me, one of those girls you added to a list

your hands reached out
to touch my hands
but they found nothing inside

yellow paint splattered
against my naked body
draw on it with your fingertips
spread me open to see my insides
squirm at the touch of you
I've been touched so many times
by other hands that were not yours
when your hands were finally ready
to grasp my body you felt the men
who had already smeared  their many
colors  inside of me
red paint splattered against you
for the many hues of colors you
spread inside of me
not only did you mix red with yellow
but blue, purple and green were mixed
inside the likes of me by men who grazed
my body with their eyes that peered inside
my holes that soon engulfed their many
colors and eventually yellow paint wasn't enough
and a rainbow grew inside of me from the men
who chased their colors deeper into my body
while you stood by and eventually faded to gray

we were supposed
to move in together
but god forbid
your mother didn't let us

ill play the strings on
your beautiful heart
like the notes on a guitar

You gave her a rose
and with blushed cheeks
she smiled
you gave her your love
and with a warm smile
she said thank you
you gave her your hand
and with her heart on her mind
she took it wherever you went
one thing you didn't give her though
was your heart that beat less frequently than hers
you didn't give her your memories
stained like rainbow glass
because she didn't get closure when you left
you didn't give her all your love
because how could you when you yourself
are incomplete to
what you gave her was a collage of false hope
to lay her head upon
and dream dreams of things that used to be
when you said you loved her

I slept in a strangers bed again
it was comforting having someones
arms finally around me
when I left I felt hollow again
*** is so temporary that I had
forgotten my name when he
whispered his in my ear
I had forgotten I was in a strangers bed
wrapped around in arms id soon forget
when I got home I was alone in my room
the strangers bed had gone and left me
feeling even lonelier than ever
in a room that should have felt like home

I am nothing but bone
on rib cages that peak out
at the smell of food that I
deprive my body of
my skin has withered down to
the tightness that grasps at my body
food is non appealing to me
even though my nose inhales the smell
my mouth waters at food that it will never touch
my eyes have grown tired my skin gone pale
theres deep bags under my eyes and I try
not to concentrate on the being in the mirror
because that is not me but someone else who
deprives her body of food that will fill her
curves and edges but instead bones poke out
cutting like sharp ridges
I got skinny, for myself couldn't take
the small fat that covered my body

yes I'm a mess
im the cluttered drawer
in your tiny kitchen
that you only pull out
once when you've misplaced
an item of great need
but I'm blessed to be
a mess only meant for you

kiss me under you breath
only when she's gone
will I feel your lips against mine

sometimes I check
your Instagram
only to see
pictures of you and her

I love you
I wrote a thousand times
in a small brown journal
it'd never reach your ears
just a thought in a journal
never to see by the one I love

get over him
the words roll out
of their mouths
I am over him
my mind tells
my broken heart
or at least I think I am

you kissed at my
tear stained cheeks
but yet you still
left me

Angry eyes
twisted in greedy lies
did you intend to lay your body on hers
twist the bedsheets so rapidly
Between her porcelain thighs
did you intend to stick your honey felt tongue
in the sweetness of her quivering against those
sheets that entangle two forbidden bodies
did you intend to drip your ***** into her
As she lay there desperately reaching for her
Colorful, blissful end
did you intend to betray the love that was once spoken
Into your body
That lifted you up and wrapped you around me so tenderly
did you intend to lie there breathless
an arm curled around her as your thoughts submerged
into an ocean of relentless lies you'd speak on your mind
i hope it was worth it in the end
Because our beginning was halted to a standstill when you decided to crawl in a bed that was not mine

you fell involve with the wrong person
Helplessly and hopelessly
you can fall in love with anybody
but that doesn't mean they're the someone
for your body that aches for another soul to
share your dreams with and compare your
Achievements with
when your heart falls apart don't worry
Because theres countless loves out
there waiting for somebody like you
theres a heartbeat ready to sing with yours
ready to hear the i love you tainted in their
ears forever being binned by you
just because you feel involve with
someone who doesn't appreciate you
Doesn't mean the one out there isn't
waiting for you to join their heart
to love them with you whole body
you fell in love with the wrong person
and i get that it upsets you
but my dear one day you'll meet
the person who fulfills you
with all their love and care
that they could ever bring you

20 coats of mascara
wing eyeliner
rosy red cheeks
not a crack in my porcelain skin
that make up covers my beauty in
foundation reeks on my skin
you can smell the chemicals seeping in
don't forget to do your eyebrows
they're your focal point
red lipstick that don't stain the teeth
concealer to hide the bags underneath
am I missing anything else for this
beautiful mask
I almost forget to hide whats really
underneath it all
some setting powder to seal it all
there you have it a face that perfectly
hides the real me away

Men
they scare women
when we walk on streets that are bare
when we pass them in bars
when we see them in parking lots
when we pass by them in a group
we get scared for the unknown
of what can happen to our body that
is only protected by our clothes
men
they are scary to us
because we have to hide our bras and *******
from their eyes that wave between our clothes
we hear them call out to us in a busy street
dont turn around and they won't bother us
but they do anyways
men
they will make our knees tangle up
make our legs cross in defense
make our eyes alert with their presence
they scare us for what we see and hear
on the news about a girl being behind
a dumpster at 2 in the morning
we don't want to be that girl that
men might use to get their pleasure
of a body that is not theirs to use
men
you scare us but we will not be a victim to you

car honks
short black dress
roses laid across
men stare
they catcall
"you're beautiful ma!"
I don't feel beautiful under
your vindictive stares
should I have worn this
was it too short for
the likings of my moms approval
I'm scared because I wore a dress
a little too short that now men
gaze at my shaven legs
look me from bottom to top
stop at my ******* that are shielded by a bra
would my mom have approved of this dress
was this dress a mistake to wear
for those men who like to stare
men are scary especially in cars
that could carry more
but I walk hastily to the store
to where maybe my dress and I
are a little bit safer from a mans stare