I am a Pisces
the water sign
the sign of Neptune
that holds wonders of blue
I am two fish
equaled to one

causes unknown
hatred for those who
lied to my face
about what they had carried into
my body that was once so clean
yesterday was so different from today when I found out the news
dont say you didn't know
I can see through those lies you've spoken to other girls
a disease you've carried into me, one of those girls you added to a list

I couldn't see the sun
until I met your
beautiful eyes

sometimes the sun will rest
from her spot in the blue sky
and that is when sunshine will break

I had long hair
I cut it so you
wouldn't stare
at the sight you
had me cut

your room is so weird
he whispered in the dead silence
I stared at him through the night filled darkness
that surrounded us two not quite lovers
But rather strangers who shared the same bed
i whispered back what in a silence that was paused
he didn't answer but rather slept
Slept on the idea of us just being there together
But not really together just existing in another
presence
was my room really weird with no theme
that matched the gray walls dipped with
Radom wall decor
was my room the definition of me
a cluttered mess with no compass to guide me
was he right that maybe my room was the very
subject of my absolute being
he slept so peacefully after insulting me
disgusted i tugged the blanket over my face
hiding the ugly room that i had painted
that i had decorated to describe me in every way
but my room was weird so what exactly did that make me

I wish the moon
would always kiss
the sun when he
showed up in dusk
until it met with dawn
I wish he'd pass her by
slowly to admire her beauty
that radiated off her and shone
on all the stars to see
I wish the moon would
realize  the sun
was the only star in the night sky
that stayed with him on the other side

sunset eyes that take
away the beauty thats
placed in the skyline
meet with my puddled blue
eyes and kiss me with sunset skies

you're like a rainbow to me
you hold everyone's favorite color
even though you don't hold mine
ill still watch you come by

put your tongue
inside the abyss of my mouth
let me swallow your entire being
as you try to wiggle out
you've done this to me
dried me out of my own self
left me hanging in the wind
and finally oh finally do I see
the empty shallow being you've left of me
don't be afraid when you see only my eyes
in the darkness that now engulfs you
for I am everything you need now
and I'm here forever even if you don't need me

I am the crinkle in your shirt
that laps over when the iron
can't catch on just right
I smother you in my needs
that you intend to ignore
you can't ignore a wrinkle
in your clothes however
so for you to notice me
ill be just that when you
least need me

I want to be a plant
I smiled sheepishly
why oh why would you ever want to be that
they rolled their eyes at me always
but never so slightly
plants
they're so beautiful
with long limbs that dance gracefully
with the leaves intact
they hold caressing colors that catch
even a bees eyes when gathering pollen
they stand tall, some droopy but ever so
just like me
they're unnoticed for some are weeds
that get cut under a lawn mower
but somehow grow back brilliant shades of yellow
I want to be a plant that you hold in your hands
smell my perfume that reaches your nose
let me be all these things
for even a plant can be beautiful to me

i potted a plant
In a tiny brownish ***
to where it could grow and grow and grow
i watered it everyday but to my dismay
it never even grew not even an inch
my tiny plant you see was actually me
an no matter how many compliments
you watered into me I would never grow
because i didn't believe in the sweet lies
That people tried to feed me
i was potted into a body that never succeeded
in life or in herself
my body was forsaken to never grow not even
when sunlight kissed down to reach me
My leaves never sprout
my soil never glistened with water specks
my bud never bloomed and sure enough
i knew i was doomed to never grow into
those beautiful flowers that shed their petals
i was like a dandelion and once you blow on me
im suddenly gone in the wind being carried out
into a lost world with a lost soul
i never grew to be pretty no matter how much
you watered me and stubbornly id never grow
to be like the other flowers who were too **** pretty
Im just a bud seed waiting to sprout but never
getting my chance to bloom so beautifully

I want to erase myself
sometimes when people
dont notice that I'm not
right in the head
and not just right for you

Mondays
I'd warm a cup of tea
sit down quietly and start to read
I noticed you watching me
from afar your eyes caught mine
and I noticed the sunlight reflect
those light brown eyes
the freckles placed on your
cheeks so perfectly
your messy hair that didn't bother me
I noticed you too actually
sitting there quietly
with a book in hand and a cup of tea

you're not good enough
but I look into a mirror
and I feel like I'm enough

have you ever wore a mood ring
I heard it describes your emotions
when you, yourself can not pull through
it has beautiful colors of blue, pink, purple
it all reminds me of the colors you made me
feel when I was with you, because you were
the ring I wore on my finger that calmed me
down when I wasn't feeling too sober
you are the mood ring that brings out
all the colors inside me to make them
look as beautiful as they do, to where
they'll never wear off and will always be
beside me on the ring finger where you
were supposed to be but instead I have
my mood ring placed there

he loved her
but not like much
others clearly do
he only loved her
when she was noticed
out of the blue
he only loved her
when others cared too
he only loved her when
she made an effort not to
he only loved her when
she didn't cry over his
remarkable lies told
from time to time
he only loved her
when she loved herself
and held no room for his
love that was only meant
for show in front of others
she finally loved herself
from within without
the help of him

I slept in a strangers bed again
it was comforting having someones
arms finally around me
when I left I felt hollow again
*** is so temporary that I had
forgotten my name when he
whispered his in my ear
I had forgotten I was in a strangers bed
wrapped around in arms id soon forget
when I got home I was alone in my room
the strangers bed had gone and left me
feeling even lonelier than ever
in a room that should have felt like home

why can men have ***
and not be called a *****
but when my virginity dies
and dies and dies
I'm considered one of those girls
who's tainted by other men who
they suddenly scored
im not a *****
not to myself at least
you can call my virginity dead
but she still belongs to me

my friends tell me
not to have ***
on the first date
ill look easy they say
when two bodies meet
and try to touch every
part of their being
it's being too easy
when fingertips touch
a passing moment of grasping sheets
it's too easy
my heart doesn't long for yours
my body doesn't ache for your connection
I wish I wasn't easy
I wish I didn't please you
having *** with you took a piece of me
I wish I wasn't easy

all she wants is your attention
as your eyes wonder in different directions
love pours out of her mouth and tries
to soak into you skin to build a garden
of roses that can't be plucked but admired
by those who walk by and dare touch her roses
she's laid upon your body in shades of red
she whispers she loves you
to which your ear is pressed against the memory
of another ones lips
you can't love a person who's planted roses where
another body has already planted their flowers underneath

my sister said my glass were far too
big for such a tiny head
she's only thirteen so I can't really
blame her rude behavior
even though that comment didn't sting
it did leave a footprint in my memory
you see when you live to twenty
all the care of the worlds seem
so small and stupid
which is why it didn't really bother me
because when she grows to be twenty
she too will see that glasses being too
big for such a tiny head will not
be another worry to her list
of bigger things to worry on about
I laughed at her attempt to make a
joke at my expense because I'm
twenty and I'm living a life
thats only made for me

I always wondered why
I wasn't good enough for the likes of you
maybe it was because your mom said
my depression was too much mixed in with you
maybe its because all your friends hated me
and I had no clue
but I always wondered why I wasn't good enough for you
not even a little not even a bit
I searched for the answer everywhere I went
and when I finally enrolled back into college
I thought you'd see me in a new light
love me for who I was but that still
wasn't enough for the likes of you
but I've finally come to realize
you're just a silly boy with dreams far bigger than me
and I'm just a girl waiting to touch the stars
even though I'm not good enough for such a silly boy
I found out I'm always good enough for the likes of me

ill always smile for you
but never for me

we were supposed
to move in together
but god forbid
your mother didn't let us

*** is a beautiful thing
I've never seen two bodies
connect with their souls on
top of their heads that make
noises far too able to comprehend
I see two lovers kiss
mouths gliding over another
and deeper into her body
but when I see you
look past the body and into
your lifeless eyes as she gazes
beyond those eyes and into
another world for too much
for me to understand
I wonder where you go
when she's thinking of your touch
your body melting into hers
I wonder if *** is something you
crave with her
or something you've denied to long for

ill play the strings on
your beautiful heart
like the notes on a guitar

Men
they scare women
when we walk on streets that are bare
when we pass them in bars
when we see them in parking lots
when we pass by them in a group
we get scared for the unknown
of what can happen to our body that
is only protected by our clothes
men
they are scary to us
because we have to hide our bras and *******
from their eyes that wave between our clothes
we hear them call out to us in a busy street
dont turn around and they won't bother us
but they do anyways
men
they will make our knees tangle up
make our legs cross in defense
make our eyes alert with their presence
they scare us for what we see and hear
on the news about a girl being behind
a dumpster at 2 in the morning
we don't want to be that girl that
men might use to get their pleasure
of a body that is not theirs to use
men
you scare us but we will not be a victim to you

you kissed at my
tear stained cheeks
but yet you still
left me

where is the sunset
and when did it come

I've never recalled you dancing
when your heart sang with mine

have you ever felt like your
going to cry for hours on end
realizing that you were not enough
the tears feel like an ocean that a
sailboat could sail across on with
no worries to wonder through
because your tears are not ugly
but streams to glide through
they're stained with black
is that maybe mascara
that covers your face thats
already tear stained
and once you cannot cry anymore
it feels like a drought within you
that not even the sailboat can sail through
if theres no more water for us to push through
how ever would we get across to our
tears that lead to acceptance of the past
please don't cry anymore
dont reminisce of a past
that your tears can not last
through anymore pain of the one
you called your lover who
suddenly broke you

the sun kissed me today
and I started to glow yellow
from the beams that touched
my brown eyes and turned
them to gold

have you ever seen the burnt leaves
crumble away when fall falls to its knees
when winter starts to sing
the trees start to wither and their flowers
Start to lose their delicate petals that
cushioned them in a safe place of denial
the sky starts to get gray with
no sun in sight
Only the moon kissing the stars softly to sleep
have you ever noticed that i don't get much
time to watch the leaves change to Burgundy
Im still stuck in my petal just to wither away

when you opened your camera
my vulnerability sank through
eyes wide open mouth glued shut
I couldn't resist the flash that
reflected my openness face
the camera sees into things
that I don't want it to
pushed up against a pillow
my body tangled in air
being a victim to your camera
that continues to record
don't see through me
don't let it flash against my
naked body thats only supposed
to be touched by human hands
and not the flash of a camera

There's a galaxy growing inside me
filled with cosmos that shoot across  
my star fill gazed that pulls you away
I'm the Milky Way covered by your  
solar system that erupts my universe  
into one with yours
we're the constellation couples trace out  
with their fingertips as they say  
"did you see that star that shines the brightest,
that's you my love"
I'm the universe that makes you whole
and without me I'm afraid you'd be a black hole  
because when are cosmos connect and are stars
shine their best with beauty so bright we become
the solar system that joins our planets together  
and combines our bodies into one galaxy

you kissed my cheeks
one by one
until the stars poured out
and became a galaxy

your hands reached out
to touch my hands
but they found nothing inside

I hate small talk
maybe thats why I'm so bad at it
because when you cupped my hand
in the warmth of yours I could
feel the small talk coming
I could feel an ending nearing
and because of you I hate small talk
now when people try to make conversation
with someone like me I tend to shy away
from a form of talk that takes me into
the times were I lost you
so I hate small talk and how I compare
it to all those times I loved you
when I have to force myself a simple
hello at someone far away I remember
those times a hello was aimed at me
from the tip of your tongue that
travelled out of your mouth and into mine
small talk is not for a girl like me
who lost so much when she
realized she couldn't speak up
and lost someone like you

I love you
I wrote a thousand times
in a small brown journal
it'd never reach your ears
just a thought in a journal
never to see by the one I love

you use ******* to violate me
throw my body against pavement
that is too cold for my body  
I feel the numbness spreading entirely  
freezing me in place as I watch helplessly  
It's not like I haven't masturbated  
felt the tingle in different places  
that make me lean my head back in bliss  
this is different I'm not in bliss  
I'm in a company of a stranger who  
meets no end until his plate is
Satisfied by my naked body  
I wonder if I feel good  
I must if this is happening to me  
my body reaches for a hand to reach  
pull my soul out of this abused boy  
its raw
it hurts
make it stop
I'm seeing black spots  
my body is being taken away from me  
a delicacy that I cannot obtain  
you reach your hand further down  
into the very crown of my existence  
You're violating me in ways I can't explain
They're not tender either  
And I swear I've seen that young face of  
yours somewhere out here before

car honks
short black dress
roses laid across
men stare
they catcall
"you're beautiful ma!"
I don't feel beautiful under
your vindictive stares
should I have worn this
was it too short for
the likings of my moms approval
I'm scared because I wore a dress
a little too short that now men
gaze at my shaven legs
look me from bottom to top
stop at my ******* that are shielded by a bra
would my mom have approved of this dress
was this dress a mistake to wear
for those men who like to stare
men are scary especially in cars
that could carry more
but I walk hastily to the store
to where maybe my dress and I
are a little bit safer from a mans stare

You gave her a rose
and with blushed cheeks
she smiled
you gave her your love
and with a warm smile
she said thank you
you gave her your hand
and with her heart on her mind
she took it wherever you went
one thing you didn't give her though
was your heart that beat less frequently than hers
you didn't give her your memories
stained like rainbow glass
because she didn't get closure when you left
you didn't give her all your love
because how could you when you yourself
are incomplete to
what you gave her was a collage of false hope
to lay her head upon
and dream dreams of things that used to be
when you said you loved her

it makes sense that I'm ugly
all the beauty in the world
had been put into the making of her

my beauty, sadly
comes from my hair
it's long and black
and feels of silk
theres so much beauty in my hair
that it scares me to cut it
to put scissors where ends meet
to say goodbye to long locks
of hair that made guys
tugged by their fingertips
onto their sides
my hair is whats beautiful about me
to cut it would be losing that part
that makes people look and say
wow she's beautiful
but to put scissors where my hair
would be cut from me
I'd feel beautiful in my own skin

define cute for me  
I asked with a smile tugged at the sides  
well it's clearly you  
you easily replied  
I contemplated if I even was cute  
because all my life I had been called  
beautiful in the words of a boy's mouth  
but cute meant that I was underneath the  
spectrum of what beautiful meant  
I was someone that was just cute  
fuzzy and warm that held a boy's stare
but never his interests  
I wanted to be beautiful to you  
like I was to them  
the boys who I had mistaken for men  
but to you I was the definition of cute  
and beautiful was meant for  
women who completed men

I am the moon child
that drips herself
in the beams of gold
while the stars hover
over me in a
forest made of earth
spread my nature on
your barren chest
let the moon cloud
you in eternal dust
as bliss holds you
to the arms of the moon

you felt like home
the foundation that completed  
my cement walls  
that covered me in plaster  
and gave me furniture to  
dress my body with  
you gave me light  
that glowed beyond my heart  
you gave me water  
that flowed into my body when you were not there  
you gave me memories  
to bathe laughter in  
you gave me a home that I could now call my own  
I felt like when I stood on the floors that we
built our relationship on I could finally  
feel safe with a guy like you  
because when I stepped in a home  
or rather our home with you  
it felt like everything pulled together  
finally, for us two

disclaimer
I am not thin
I am not the girl you can see through
my curves build edges upon mountains
that you climb to reach the top
only to find I weigh just a bit much
I put on my tinder profile
the I'm over 160 just in case
the time we meet disappointment will
strike you because I'm not so thin
you'll see the extra of me
that can't be tucked in blue jeans
you'll see the skin rolling into
hills of a much larger me
disclaimer
I am not skinny