why don't you weigh less
why aren't you pretty enough
why do you look so manly
why aren't you looking like a girl
thoughts like these run through our heads
we tear the foundations are bodies have built
peel back the cement that holds our walls
so that were naked to a vulnerable state
of wanting more than what our bodies can offer
to the home I stand on that I've learned not to love
to the home I've broken windows to
to prevent home invasion from words that I say
to myself
I hate you
to have this body that seeks the comfort of me
only to get betrayal from the person she seeks
the very comfort of
I'm sorry I don't call you home enough
I'm sorry I'm not the person to obtain a body of such
I love you even though sometimes
I dont show that you are home

I had long hair
I cut it so you
wouldn't stare
at the sight you
had me cut

I regret being with you
and I can't wait to look
you in those ugly blue eyes
and tell you how worthless
you are to me

where is the sunset
and when did it come

purple dress
yellow shoes
heaven shines on you
red hair twirling
in sunlight caught
by wind blowing
tip toe dancing
on my sides with you
watching our lips
meet to reproduce
a kiss with you
throw me up into the
sky with your hands
and watch me twirl
with the stars that dance

are the stars shining just for me
or are they shining from what used to be

I am a Pisces
the water sign
the sign of Neptune
that holds wonders of blue
I am two fish
equaled to one

my ****** is expected
to have your lips curved
around its bald lips
to be clean and proper
in order for you to properly
love my ******
if it's ugly and stubbly
I have to shave that ugliness
away until flowers bloom
from the stubble and flourish
into petals that you can kiss
my ****** is not your place
of solitude that you can pray too
it is only for me to love even
through all of the ugliness

sometimes I check
your Instagram
only to see
pictures of you and her

we were supposed
to move in together
but god forbid
your mother didn't let us

I couldn't see the sun
until I met your
beautiful eyes

I love you
I wrote a thousand times
in a small brown journal
it'd never reach your ears
just a thought in a journal
never to see by the one I love

through the eyes of you
maybe ill see myself anew
maybe Ill see the beauty
you hold in your hand for me
the love you feel through
picked roses on a field
id like to believe in your
eyes that id be a dream come true

a broken friendship  
cannot blossom from pain  
it is the very existence of what was toxic  
to my body that lasted with theirs  
friendship is so sacred that when it  
falls apart like a string undone I can't  
wrap my mind on what went wrong  
she was everything I had aspired to be  
she was perfect in every essence
she was half of me  
but she was toxic to my health  
and made me mistreat myself  
in losing who I was in order to  
replace the half she was missing  
of herself she needed me to fill
a void in her heart that wasn't  
able to be plastered shut by only her  
she needed me more than she wanted me  
and I couldn't stand being her one time need
so, I ended a friendship that was important to me  
and found myself fixing the things she had done  
to my body, mind and soul

ill play the strings on
your beautiful heart
like the notes on a guitar

it makes sense that I'm ugly
all the beauty in the world
had been put into the making of her

let me carry you through
water tides that crash
against your thighs
let me love you
through air that has
sunken words out of your mouth
let me be you through
winds that graze through your
many fields that hold
different versions of you
let me call you mine
through letting my voice
be carried out into yours
to sink into your skin
and find a place to settle
into a body filled with
life that I can never obtain

im not as nice to myself
as I am to other people
who love their bodies
for being so simple
I hate my body that
isn't consisted of home
I hate that I am not beautiful
like the girl crossing the road
im ugly towards myself
pulling at my fat saying
why can't you away and
let me be skinny
I scream at my acne
saying why can't you be
clear like girls on magazines
im cruel to a body that has always
supported me and let me
call it home
I love myself
let me be home

you're like a rainbow to me
you hold everyone's favorite color
even though you don't hold mine
ill still watch you come by

I'll bask in the sunlight
like a flower ill spread
my petals into an open
lights that feels like you

your hands reached out
to touch my hands
but they found nothing inside

my beauty, sadly
comes from my hair
it's long and black
and feels of silk
theres so much beauty in my hair
that it scares me to cut it
to put scissors where ends meet
to say goodbye to long locks
of hair that made guys
tugged by their fingertips
onto their sides
my hair is whats beautiful about me
to cut it would be losing that part
that makes people look and say
wow she's beautiful
but to put scissors where my hair
would be cut from me
I'd feel beautiful in my own skin

disclaimer
I am not thin
I am not the girl you can see through
my curves build edges upon mountains
that you climb to reach the top
only to find I weigh just a bit much
I put on my tinder profile
the I'm over 160 just in case
the time we meet disappointment will
strike you because I'm not so thin
you'll see the extra of me
that can't be tucked in blue jeans
you'll see the skin rolling into
hills of a much larger me
disclaimer
I am not skinny

paint me like Van Gogh  
draw me in your milky sky  
that only holds  stars in place  
through your artistic eyes  
show me how the midnight sky can  
hold a beauty for a person like me  
show me that I too can swirl in  
place with colors of yellow and white  
I want to be the paint within your soul  
to create me to life with the brush of a stroke
paint all my colors bold even the dark  
ones where a story is told  
I want to see it through your eyes  
that holds my beauty in your  
milky starry sky

I am the moon child
that drips herself
in the beams of gold
while the stars hover
over me in a
forest made of earth
spread my nature on
your barren chest
let the moon cloud
you in eternal dust
as bliss holds you
to the arms of the moon

you kissed my cheeks
one by one
until the stars poured out
and became a galaxy

I dated a boy whose name started with D  
he was everything I could possibly want him to be  
he was what I called home on cold winter nights
he was the cradled arms when I could not fall asleep  
he was the most handsome person on earth  
his smile could melt worries away  
his laugh could be heard in the echo of a mountain  
his eyes could make a night sky hide in shame  
oh god he was everything to someone like me  
but you see when you date someone who  
doesn't end well in the lasting days  
you start to hate the letter D and even the name  
because love has a funny way to suddenly turn to hate  
and my hatred for him turned into acceptance that  
memories could now only stay stained if I wanted them too
dating someone who's name starts with a D  
will surely not end well for me  
I don't miss you  
but deep down I do

you felt like home
the foundation that completed  
my cement walls  
that covered me in plaster  
and gave me furniture to  
dress my body with  
you gave me light  
that glowed beyond my heart  
you gave me water  
that flowed into my body when you were not there  
you gave me memories  
to bathe laughter in  
you gave me a home that I could now call my own  
I felt like when I stood on the floors that we
built our relationship on I could finally  
feel safe with a guy like you  
because when I stepped in a home  
or rather our home with you  
it felt like everything pulled together  
finally, for us two

There's a galaxy growing inside me
filled with cosmos that shoot across  
my star fill gazed that pulls you away
I'm the Milky Way covered by your  
solar system that erupts my universe  
into one with yours
we're the constellation couples trace out  
with their fingertips as they say  
"did you see that star that shines the brightest,
that's you my love"
I'm the universe that makes you whole
and without me I'm afraid you'd be a black hole  
because when are cosmos connect and are stars
shine their best with beauty so bright we become
the solar system that joins our planets together  
and combines our bodies into one galaxy

Time is precious
yet so complex
when it standstills for
the likes of me
I took advantage of my time
with you
and time started to pass us by
until it ran out and the clock
stopped ticking by
I'm sorry for wasting your time
you didn't waste mine

suitcase
I packed a suitcase
to runaway into the
Netherlands  of tomorrow
it's blue, my suitcase
and the color reminds me
of sorrow that I've caused
so I'm sorry for leaving again
but me and my suitcase must go

old pictures of
me and you
surface to my memory
of times where our hands
locked together
our eyes intertwined with each other
our scrunched up noses tickling
like a feather
but those pictures are of a past
that cannot be reached no matter
how hard I try to believe that
you would ever come back to me
these pictures are all I have left of
you with me and it's hard to
throw them out when all
I can do is reminisce about
a past that I cannot touch

you're not good enough
but I look into a mirror
and I feel like I'm enough

you kissed at my
tear stained cheeks
but yet you still
left me

if you look at a petal
closely you'll see the creases
just like the ones you've left in me

July 1st
the day you dumped me
the day I found out
soulmates were meant
for the ones who find not seek
I cried that day in a store
I wanted to fled out the door
your text said it was just time
but it felt like a lie
that you wanted me to believe
because you really didn't love me
you loved what the idea of me was
and when you saw the real me
you froze and left because
your mother did like me
I hated you for so long
I hated what you did to me
but I got over it in 7 months
and realized I couldn't never
love someone as ugly as you

the sun kissed me today
and I started to glow yellow
from the beams that touched
my brown eyes and turned
them to gold

he said I was crazy
but did he tell you
about how the vase
smashed across my face
how his hands that were
supposed to caress me
slapped my cheekbones
how his lips were meant
for tender kisses
only spat words of demeaning hate
did he tell you how his love for me
was only when I had done something
right but when I was wrong
I was told I was worthless
did he tell you that his friends
hated me because I was crazy
but only because he told his
half of the story
did he tell you he cheats on me
but its only cheating if I don't find out
and god forbid I found a man
that wasn't like him
but I'm still crazy because
he was with me until
I stepped out and found
someone who found
me beautiful in the eyes of him

rosy red cheeks
flushed between my knees
cracks in my shoulders
that leave flowers to go through
my back needs to be watered
for my flowers are withered
my legs are no longer roses
that hold red between them
my inner thighs are lacking
your touch that sprouted
lilies in the place you were
my cheeks need landscapes
that fill them with acres
of daisy's that don't seem to
hold back the weeds beyond me
my eyes are the mud with how brown
they reflect against the sun
to fertilize my flowers that grow
within a dead body that wishes
for her youth back
I miss my flowers that are
now just specks of withered
roses intertwined with weeds

if you ever have thoughts
of I'm not good enough
please don't listen to them
for you are the world in my hand
the reason I dream instead of wake
you are the person that I call
when other don't answer
you are the dream that consists of
flowers rooted to my feet
I don't want you to leave
I don't want to give you up
for a world that does not measure up
to a beautiful soul that resides inside of you
I know it hurts you deeply
but to feel is beautiful
to not breathe is taking the breath out of me
please do not go into another world
that does not know you like I do
the world here, with me, is the one for you
dont leave me without you
don't end your life that
I hold dearly to my heart
that only resides inside of you

I miss the paper cuts
you left on my heart
they cut deep
and left wounds
but my god
I'd always want them from you

Men
they scare women
when we walk on streets that are bare
when we pass them in bars
when we see them in parking lots
when we pass by them in a group
we get scared for the unknown
of what can happen to our body that
is only protected by our clothes
men
they are scary to us
because we have to hide our bras and *******
from their eyes that wave between our clothes
we hear them call out to us in a busy street
dont turn around and they won't bother us
but they do anyways
men
they will make our knees tangle up
make our legs cross in defense
make our eyes alert with their presence
they scare us for what we see and hear
on the news about a girl being behind
a dumpster at 2 in the morning
we don't want to be that girl that
men might use to get their pleasure
of a body that is not theirs to use
men
you scare us but we will not be a victim to you

skin laced with blooming
petals intertwined with ivory
look at her she's the beauty
I breathe in when she's not looking
I've never seen a statue look so
life like with marble eyes
that travel to mine
she's intertwined with the
ever-growing rose that blooms
from her pale beauty of a body
I wish she was real so I could
touch her but right now
she's so far away from my reach
grasping at air that isn't there
I love her for she is the
most beautiful statue I've ever
seen in this place we call a museum

I really hope you know
that I hate you
and it's not the type of hate
that boils my blood with your name
it's the hate of all the what if's that
continue in my brain
because what if I never said what I did
what if I never asked you all those things
what if I never threw my hands up in surrender
what if I actually fought back and gave a ****
those what if's cloud my mind
pull the strings of my heart to take me back to a
time where I could have loved you more than
I showed you that I did
to a time where my heart found yours and collided
with the other half that was me
I wish I couldn't hate you
the past mistake that fills you
but for now I'll hate what could have been
and stick with my what if's

You gave her a rose
and with blushed cheeks
she smiled
you gave her your love
and with a warm smile
she said thank you
you gave her your hand
and with her heart on her mind
she took it wherever you went
one thing you didn't give her though
was your heart that beat less frequently than hers
you didn't give her your memories
stained like rainbow glass
because she didn't get closure when you left
you didn't give her all your love
because how could you when you yourself
are incomplete to
what you gave her was a collage of false hope
to lay her head upon
and dream dreams of things that used to be
when you said you loved her

I put glow in the dark stars  
on my bare wall that  
was guarded by skin drowned  
in your eyes that contained  
Galaxies of a night sky  
They guided me to the  
astrology of my stars  
Pointed me into a compass  
of north to where you are  
They glowed me into a world  
that only opened up to me  
when I came to visit you
the stars helped me  
Find my way in a brilliant  
sky filled with jewels that  
waved a path for me to  
find someone that was  
Exactly like you my dear
the glow in the dark stars  
pressed against my thumb  
are a reflection of a love  
Only two can feel  
between the stars

I watched the stars form
cross your freckled face
and make constellations

I'd been used before
by guys who would
tell me nothing but sweet lies
just to see my *******
hit the floor as they guided me
to a bed that I'd only see once
these guys would slither my body
in the being of their ***
wring me up to dry as soon as they were done
toss me up and part their way to a new
girl that would hold their ***
I was use to it
because guys only like to tell stories
with their bodies intertwined with mine
and once the story ends there's no sequel
we've ended our story right then and there
as soon as the clothes are back on I'm
looked upon like wasted air
these guys only want me for the use
of one time ***
and it bothers me deep down
but what good is a girl thats been used up

I changed my phone number
in case you'd call and I'd pick up
I didn't want the constant worry
of maybe you calling it put
my heart to a state of panic
a state of what if's
that if you'd call it'd all be fixed
I changed my number in case
you were regretting your decision
and decided you were finally wrong
I didn't want to hear the sorry felt
I love you dangling on the cord
I didn't want to hear the tears that would
fall on the phone and make your voice
quiver with a sadness I could not take
I changed my number for the fear
that if you didn't ever call it'd somehow
break what was left of me
that if you didn't call
I would never know
because my phone number was changed

car honks
short black dress
roses laid across
men stare
they catcall
"you're beautiful ma!"
I don't feel beautiful under
your vindictive stares
should I have worn this
was it too short for
the likings of my moms approval
I'm scared because I wore a dress
a little too short that now men
gaze at my shaven legs
look me from bottom to top
stop at my ******* that are shielded by a bra
would my mom have approved of this dress
was this dress a mistake to wear
for those men who like to stare
men are scary especially in cars
that could carry more
but I walk hastily to the store
to where maybe my dress and I
are a little bit safer from a mans stare