20 coats of mascara
wing eyeliner
rosy red cheeks
not a crack in my porcelain skin
that make up covers my beauty in
foundation reeks on my skin
you can smell the chemicals seeping in
don't forget to do your eyebrows
they're your focal point
red lipstick that don't stain the teeth
concealer to hide the bags underneath
am I missing anything else for this
beautiful mask
I almost forget to hide whats really
underneath it all
some setting powder to seal it all
there you have it a face that perfectly
hides the real me away

why did you cheat on me
it ran through my mind
that I never got the closure
I needed to unwind this
haunting question on my mind
was it me or was it you
did I do something to deserve this
could I have prevented this
was this punishment for something I did
I couldn't wrap my brain around it
and like a snake it suffocated me
until I eventually blacked out all feelings
do you realize sleep was now not a luxury to me
because to sleep meant I had to dream
of the memory of you with her
I mean not me
to be awake meant to think
meant to play it on repeat until
it started to devour me
why would you cheat
when it meant breaking me
do you realize I'm broken
with or without you
I wish I never meet you

you are my art
but not a sculpture made of marble
you are those paintings that people
pass by not so much in a hurry
but rather to stop and stare
to take insight
of the masterpiece that holds their stare
you are the art that takes breaths away
that demands a paintbrush to draw across
you are the art that even a landscape cannot
peak its flowers through to see the sights of you
you are the art that sings through its paintings
that makes critics cry at such a heart warming sight
when I see you theres only one way to describe you
through art itself cannot contain you
you are the masterpiece that draws me in
the masterpiece that compels an audience to
watch and touch the edges of you
my art is created by your nature of beauty
my art will forever be in your forgiving
hands of an artist who draws you

I hate small talk
maybe thats why I'm so bad at it
because when you cupped my hand
in the warmth of yours I could
feel the small talk coming
I could feel an ending nearing
and because of you I hate small talk
now when people try to make conversation
with someone like me I tend to shy away
from a form of talk that takes me into
the times were I lost you
so I hate small talk and how I compare
it to all those times I loved you
when I have to force myself a simple
hello at someone far away I remember
those times a hello was aimed at me
from the tip of your tongue that
travelled out of your mouth and into mine
small talk is not for a girl like me
who lost so much when she
realized she couldn't speak up
and lost someone like you

define cute for me  
I asked with a smile tugged at the sides  
well it's clearly you  
you easily replied  
I contemplated if I even was cute  
because all my life I had been called  
beautiful in the words of a boy's mouth  
but cute meant that I was underneath the  
spectrum of what beautiful meant  
I was someone that was just cute  
fuzzy and warm that held a boy's stare
but never his interests  
I wanted to be beautiful to you  
like I was to them  
the boys who I had mistaken for men  
but to you I was the definition of cute  
and beautiful was meant for  
women who completed men

have you ever felt like your
going to cry for hours on end
realizing that you were not enough
the tears feel like an ocean that a
sailboat could sail across on with
no worries to wonder through
because your tears are not ugly
but streams to glide through
they're stained with black
is that maybe mascara
that covers your face thats
already tear stained
and once you cannot cry anymore
it feels like a drought within you
that not even the sailboat can sail through
if theres no more water for us to push through
how ever would we get across to our
tears that lead to acceptance of the past
please don't cry anymore
dont reminisce of a past
that your tears can not last
through anymore pain of the one
you called your lover who
suddenly broke you

you fell involve with the wrong person
Helplessly and hopelessly
you can fall in love with anybody
but that doesn't mean they're the someone
for your body that aches for another soul to
share your dreams with and compare your
Achievements with
when your heart falls apart don't worry
Because theres countless loves out
there waiting for somebody like you
theres a heartbeat ready to sing with yours
ready to hear the i love you tainted in their
ears forever being binned by you
just because you feel involve with
someone who doesn't appreciate you
Doesn't mean the one out there isn't
waiting for you to join their heart
to love them with you whole body
you fell in love with the wrong person
and i get that it upsets you
but my dear one day you'll meet
the person who fulfills you
with all their love and care
that they could ever bring you

im braless in my white t-shirt
you can see all of me
even down to my rigid ****** sticking
out so apparently
i see their shocked faces as they take in
the sight of me
am i shocking enough that my ******* aren't covered up
do i shake the very floor you stand on with my indecency
I dont cover my exposed ******* or the ****** that
pokes its head out to see its surroundings
do i make these grown men uncomfortable
with my body that has curves over her dimes
these men that catcall on a daily are scared
of a women with no bra to cover a simple ******
oh how men rattle my brain with their selected
intake on a woman’s body
how they take us apart with their knives
Cut us apart like we are there for their dissection
im just a woman letting my body be free from
a mens gaze that they think can haunt me
me being braless isn't a step to regain
Freedom from their sleepy gazes
but it’s a step in being a woman
with a bra constraining mens faces

I always wondered why
I wasn't good enough for the likes of you
maybe it was because your mom said
my depression was too much mixed in with you
maybe its because all your friends hated me
and I had no clue
but I always wondered why I wasn't good enough for you
not even a little not even a bit
I searched for the answer everywhere I went
and when I finally enrolled back into college
I thought you'd see me in a new light
love me for who I was but that still
wasn't enough for the likes of you
but I've finally come to realize
you're just a silly boy with dreams far bigger than me
and I'm just a girl waiting to touch the stars
even though I'm not good enough for such a silly boy
I found out I'm always good enough for the likes of me

my sister said my glass were far too
big for such a tiny head
she's only thirteen so I can't really
blame her rude behavior
even though that comment didn't sting
it did leave a footprint in my memory
you see when you live to twenty
all the care of the worlds seem
so small and stupid
which is why it didn't really bother me
because when she grows to be twenty
she too will see that glasses being too
big for such a tiny head will not
be another worry to her list
of bigger things to worry on about
I laughed at her attempt to make a
joke at my expense because I'm
twenty and I'm living a life
thats only made for me

your room is so weird
he whispered in the dead silence
I stared at him through the night filled darkness
that surrounded us two not quite lovers
But rather strangers who shared the same bed
i whispered back what in a silence that was paused
he didn't answer but rather slept
Slept on the idea of us just being there together
But not really together just existing in another
presence
was my room really weird with no theme
that matched the gray walls dipped with
Radom wall decor
was my room the definition of me
a cluttered mess with no compass to guide me
was he right that maybe my room was the very
subject of my absolute being
he slept so peacefully after insulting me
disgusted i tugged the blanket over my face
hiding the ugly room that i had painted
that i had decorated to describe me in every way
but my room was weird so what exactly did that make me

be the orpheus to my eurydice
Love me with your songs that reach a wood nymph
dance ballets around my head with poems strung along
my heartstring that play your ballads
marry me in the woods that gather hush tone songs of
a happily ever after with you my dear orpheus
but when our happy ending doesn't quite reach
a tender heart beat do not fret
just search  the underworld for another chance
to find a joyous love with me
do not turn your head my beloved
for even if you cannot hear my soft footprints
ill always be behind you like a musical note
strung on your harp full of radiant strings
if you do not find love where you seek
you always have me Orpheus to where
our hearts meet in the tender green forest
where two lovers kiss quietly
beloved orpheus i will always be the song
to your beat and the poem to your heart
never stop looking for me in those places
where our connected hearts meet

For younger me
I’d tell you to not stop counting the stars
because your dreams are not just silly daydreams
i’d tell you not to trace constellations with your
Fingertips delicately as you resemble your life anew
i’d tell you that not reaching for the sky is something
you should never do
i’d tell you that mistakes happen
that life has a way to play games that you may not want
to partake in but remember your life has value
I'd tell you to be strong and loving to yourself
and always remember that your body is a forsaken place
for only you to pray too
i’d tell you that boys don't matter and *** is not taboo
but maybe so young it just isn't the right time for you
i’d tell you that you're going to fall a lot
but taking the leaps to that fall is the greatest achievement of all
You'll constantly fail but failure leads to determination to follow
the dreams you've put behind you
oh my young self live freely
because one day you'll be trapped in a cage filled with self hate
if you do not love yourself so young like you should do
my young self love and prosper on
live your dreams beyond you
Remember that life is short and once you turn twenty
life starts over and soon ill find myself to a young you

different people
same bodies
they all collide like a kaleidoscope
of the same colors and shapes
They're all different though
but terrifyingly the same
they share the same personality
that oozes out of their horrid bodies
they mock and cry at pain that they've
cause to my dismay
They're always different people
but connected to the same entity
trapped in cages they cry at the
Steel bars that lock their bodies
to shams with no escape
Are they really that different from
the body they once shared many
Years ago that beat my heart
Relentlessly
im tired of seeing the same people
sewed into different bodies that
taunt me the same way as before
just people trying to escape a body
They've never fought for

have you ever seen the burnt leaves
crumble away when fall falls to its knees
when winter starts to sing
the trees start to wither and their flowers
Start to lose their delicate petals that
cushioned them in a safe place of denial
the sky starts to get gray with
no sun in sight
Only the moon kissing the stars softly to sleep
have you ever noticed that i don't get much
time to watch the leaves change to Burgundy
Im still stuck in my petal just to wither away

I love your poetry
but did you see the pen that glistened
that ink felt blood dripped openly
on paper that seemed so endless
You write everything so clearly
but in my mind it shattered everywhere
you should be a poet
but poetry isn't me
I write until dusk kisses dawn sweetly
I stay up nights endless
I stutter for words that seem together perfectly
I love you poetry
but my poetry is never me

don’t drift apart from me
rip me in shreds as you leave
grasping my neck as you yell
at a sky thats already turned to dusk
don’t leave me in the back of your mind
where memories tend to sink
to never regain to the surface as you
swallow them back like a pill with water
don’t let these moments go away from us
they keep us attached like a rope on my neck
thats when to snap when i jump off the ledge
Don’t let me go when you feel like you've had enough
i’m not ready to separate from a being like you
who’s caused me pain and love and happiness
don’t let these tender thoughts that define
both me and you drown in the sea you've composed
with a memory ready to fleet into the dark sea
and as always away from these tender thoughts
that guide you away from me

you use ******* to violate me
throw my body against pavement
that is too cold for my body  
I feel the numbness spreading entirely  
freezing me in place as I watch helplessly  
It's not like I haven't masturbated  
felt the tingle in different places  
that make me lean my head back in bliss  
this is different I'm not in bliss  
I'm in a company of a stranger who  
meets no end until his plate is
Satisfied by my naked body  
I wonder if I feel good  
I must if this is happening to me  
my body reaches for a hand to reach  
pull my soul out of this abused boy  
its raw
it hurts
make it stop
I'm seeing black spots  
my body is being taken away from me  
a delicacy that I cannot obtain  
you reach your hand further down  
into the very crown of my existence  
You're violating me in ways I can't explain
They're not tender either  
And I swear I've seen that young face of  
yours somewhere out here before

i potted a plant
In a tiny brownish ***
to where it could grow and grow and grow
i watered it everyday but to my dismay
it never even grew not even an inch
my tiny plant you see was actually me
an no matter how many compliments
you watered into me I would never grow
because i didn't believe in the sweet lies
That people tried to feed me
i was potted into a body that never succeeded
in life or in herself
my body was forsaken to never grow not even
when sunlight kissed down to reach me
My leaves never sprout
my soil never glistened with water specks
my bud never bloomed and sure enough
i knew i was doomed to never grow into
those beautiful flowers that shed their petals
i was like a dandelion and once you blow on me
im suddenly gone in the wind being carried out
into a lost world with a lost soul
i never grew to be pretty no matter how much
you watered me and stubbornly id never grow
to be like the other flowers who were too **** pretty
Im just a bud seed waiting to sprout but never
getting my chance to bloom so beautifully

my depression envelops me
suffocating me out of
my very own feelings
I'm trapped in a constant
state of self hate
I've lost control of what I want
or even what I feel
it centers me to the sheets of my bed
to where I can't even sleep
but always overthink
it pushes my loved ones away
only making room for it to stay
my depression gravitates me
to feeling like everyones against me
I cant breathe sleep or eat
I feel so alone but in my mind
theres only company for
my depression and I
if my hearts broken its never just left at that
my whole existence will replay that
moment like a video tape
always stuck on repeat
my depression sinks me into the
pills I swallow in order to properly think
it captivates me into a different reality
far too gone from the one I'm in
it's staying in my room while
the sun comes up and peaks
through my blinds but in my
mind I'm still stuck in a world
thats filled with night time
my depression causes lack of sleep
to where no medicine can revive me
my depression is a friend to my
mind but an enemy to my giving in body
without it what could I possibly be

Mondays
I'd warm a cup of tea
sit down quietly and start to read
I noticed you watching me
from afar your eyes caught mine
and I noticed the sunlight reflect
those light brown eyes
the freckles placed on your
cheeks so perfectly
your messy hair that didn't bother me
I noticed you too actually
sitting there quietly
with a book in hand and a cup of tea

I wish how we could have rewritten the stars to
makes two entities last forever until the sun came
up from resting and kissed the moon with white light
beaming in with yellow as the sky opened up
with colors that were hues of blue and pink
oh how we could've been the sky in all of her
untrained beauty
lets rewrite the stars in the sky
tracing them numbly as we position an outcome anew
I just want to be with you
but the sky has another way to say
it's just too soon for you two
I cant place the stars in a new constellation
but maybe if I wait awhile they'll line in
place and ill find you

Angry eyes
twisted in greedy lies
did you intend to lay your body on hers
twist the bedsheets so rapidly
Between her porcelain thighs
did you intend to stick your honey felt tongue
in the sweetness of her quivering against those
sheets that entangle two forbidden bodies
did you intend to drip your ***** into her
As she lay there desperately reaching for her
Colorful, blissful end
did you intend to betray the love that was once spoken
Into your body
That lifted you up and wrapped you around me so tenderly
did you intend to lie there breathless
an arm curled around her as your thoughts submerged
into an ocean of relentless lies you'd speak on your mind
i hope it was worth it in the end
Because our beginning was halted to a standstill when you decided to crawl in a bed that was not mine

it was 5 A.M  
and I couldn't sleep  
Because in the spot you used to be,
Lied silence.
Reaching over the chasm
which your body used to keep
My trailing fingertips  
Danced along the pillows where heads meet

it was 5 A.M  
and I couldn't sleep  
Because in the spot you used to be,  
There, lied me

your mother with her curly red hair
hated the brunette you brought in
she couldn't stand the presence of me
in the house she called home and
you as her precious son was a place she
always called home from within her soul
she noted me worthless and i couldn't object
because all of everything i was didn't matter to her
i was the **** of the earth for her blonde boy son
who didn't dare lick his tongue with a grain of salt
to talk back and defend my name against all the
Inhumane ways she described me to countless friends
your mother with her beautiful house that she called home
i was a stranger too looking in for a way to get in
because you too where her home and you did not have a
key for me to press against you to let me in
i was locked out of my own relationship doomed from the
Beginning when i was told i was not welcomed in
your mom told me I was never allowed back
that i had to stay and mind my own and you
you could not see me for even a little
and you didn't even fight back
but how could you when you were her son
who didn't compare to being rebellious with your
Perfect personality that could not be tarnished by
the very likes of me
no i was not allowed in your mothers beautiful home
i was not allowed to argue or protest and you
stood idly by as i watched you from the outside
Leaning on your very own mothers chest
waiting for you to say id be allowed into your heart
but on your mothers protest i stayed outside
Lurking in a body that was deemed unworthy
by a red headed women that said home is not
where her sons heart is

i slipped out of your white silken sheets quietly
you heard me in my tip toe dancing
suddenly you stirred up in a frantic state staring at me desperately
with a pain waving in your eyes you softly spoke with words tangling side by side
we need a break you muttered under your breath
barley able to understand i started to dress my naked body shaded with vulnerability
i thought you loved me i screamed
your eyes glanced down in a heavy hurry to shield your guilt from me
you told me to leave
and my body stood out of place in a room full of love filled memories
my body trembled in anger
in sadness
In denial
i gathered my things in a quick pace
leaving the bedroom that was filled with things that were made by two
i left your memory in a forgetful place
i left your heart that was half of mine into the back of my mind
for only love from you was replaced with a wretched hate
Those white silken sheets that wrapped our bodies
now wrapped a memory of things i did not want to think
of the things that could of been between us two

my flushed pink skin is laced with
delicate lingerie that blooms
my sealed virginity  in a secret garden
That no one can tame the weeds from
spreading in by caressing my body
In your tainted soil hands that pluck
my roses away one by one until
theres nothing left but a barren waste
land of dirt that no longer lets my
flowers bloom in outskirts of my ******
Youve plucked away at me
saying that roses are far too red for
a body that holds only the purest of colors
you stole my virginity by detaching my
body from the place it called its garden
You let the weeds grow inside of me
let the flowers wither down into nothing
now all i grow is the soil filled with weeds
my virginity cries at the stolen sight
that is no longer finger painted with beauty
my gardens virginity is a wasteland for a
***** that only grows weeds inside of me

I wonder what you look like naked
when all your colors are shaded off you
when your curiosity peaks on who the real you leaks
out into the floor for everyone’s looks to behold
the curve of your body outlined in shyness
as we all stare intrigued
your silhouette dancing on edge barley making
an escape out of the body she's entrapped in
your skittered face that blushes apple red
bowing down your head to a world that overlooks you
I wonder what you look like naked when all your trust
is brushed on a canvas that each stroke brings you
another misfortune
you're so beautiful yet so terribly broken
just a silhouette in the wrong person
you're beautiful naked